Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart
June 11th, 2007
The day began with what can only be described as an assplosion, and not from my own ass, or Adam’s ass, but from–you guessed it–Sunny’s ass after a debaucherous night with a Muttz-RRR-ella bone which I can’t in good conscience recommend to anyone. There was early-morning whimpering, a bit of wailing and then…the assplosion, which lasted almost an hour, and was almost human-like in its horrid foulness, and made for an awesome morning fumbling around in the dark.
Oh, the heartbreak of puppy assplosion is one that I imagine is only matched by infant assplosion, because they’re so helpless in their intestinal agony and then there is the cleaning up, and the inevitable whimper and re-mess and oh GOD, it was awful and all dark and stinky-like at 4:30 in the morning. What was more distressing, however, was that I ran into one of my neighbors who was on his way to the gym. God. Is it just me, or is 4:30 a.m. THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, and no one should be up and about unless they are feeding and/or wiping something, much less throwing a towel over their shoulder and walking to the gym and scaring the shit out of poopy braless neighbors in their pajamas.
Incidentally, I find it both interesting and dismaying that Adam never wakes up for these early-morning assplosions. While he kindly and strategically attempts to pin it on some sort of mother’s intuition, canine edition, if I had to guess, it’s more to do with the fact that he wears multiple-decibel-blocking earplugs and sleeps like the dead.
The assplosion was appropriately followed by a peesplosion later, when I went to clean the cat’s litter box and didn’t even get past the emptying phase when the little darling decided to pee a) all over the floor, followed by; b) in the empty litter box. Both meant that I was forced to deal with unfettered cat piss without the protective wicking abilities of Feline Pine.
Pee and poop, my friends. PEE AND POOP. It’s no way to start the day. That being said, what’s perhaps more distressing is that in order to console myself, I found myself in Ross searching for bras, after your recommendations ages ago, which I’ve still done nothing about, and walked out with a ton of new underwear, some of which is from some mysterious brand called “Steve.” I feel fairly confident that there is a Steve who’s exceedingly proud of the fact that he is the Steve who will be on my ass tomorrow, after the hot-water wash and sterilization, oh my God.
It goes without saying that I didn’t get any bras, but I did mysteriously find myself in Bath & Body Works AGAIN, and walked out with Sparkling Peach and Fresh Pineapple, and I don’t even think I like them, it’s like a COMPULSION that cannot be stopped, the semi-annual sale. Last time I did this, I left with Tropical Passionfruit, which smells like covered-up farts.
Clearly nothing exciting is happening here, otherwise I would have more other than pineapple body lotion and Steve-branded underpants. And poop. But I am grateful for such quiet lulls, because they oh-so-rarely last too long.
And most important of all: Big Love has returned.
*Johnny Cash.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
30 Comments Add your own
1. Jamie | June 11th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
My name is Jamie, and I’m addicted to Bath & Body Works White Tea & Ginger.
Hi, Jamie.
2. Melanie | June 11th, 2007 at 6:57 pm
Steve! That’s so awesome as an underwear name. Especially for husbands/boyfriends/perverts named Steve. Cheap thrills, people, it’s all about cheap thrills.
And, if you plan for babies, at least the dog is preparing you for the poop. Because there are months when life is just ALL ABOUT POOP. It becomes all you talk about, and there is always poop, and it is exploding onto cute baby clothes and your hands and everything else, and then comes potty training and more poop obsession. Kids are all poop.
3. Beth | June 11th, 2007 at 7:05 pm
Oh, I would so rather handle kid poop (my own kid, thanks) than dog poop. That said, I have wiped my dog’s butt before and…ew. Oh, that reminds me of the day when, having recently moved to the area, I invited some new mom friends and their kids over for a playdate, and we spent much of the morning on the floor, watching the dog lick the kids. After they left, I discovered the Golden Retriever had a large piece of poop stuck to its butt fur, and I realized the sight had most likely been visible to my new friends from their floor-level vantage point. Ack. I had to cut off the poopy fur with a scissors, which the doggie wasn’t too happy about. (“Huh? Why are you going behind my back end with scissors?”) Yeah, it was a proud day for us.
Um, what was the question?
4. ali | June 11th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
love big love. i’m so glad it’s back!
5. p}b | June 11th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Whenever I wake up to dog assplosion, I momentarily freak out and then I wait for a lull in the action – and attempt to move the dog onto a surface more suitable for mopping and wiping things up. Like tile. However when I move TOWARDS the dog, he runs. And continues to assplode. This turns into one horrible trail of poo running from corner to corner of a room. So at 4am (which yes its the middle of the night) I get to bust out the hand/steam cleaner and de-poo the floor.
Also, don’t try to cover the poo smell from the dog with the bath and body works lotion. It doesnt work.
6. jonniker | June 11th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Oh Beth. There was totally some butt-wiping, and now I am thankful, just oh so thankful, that Sunny doesn’t have any bloomers for poop to get stuck in. Just a little bum that gets irritated. I felt so bad for her.
7. Mauigirl52 | June 11th, 2007 at 7:23 pm
I sympathize. Once our previous dog got into the goose grease left in the pan from the Christmas goose, and boy what an explosion she had. But not an assplosion (that was the next day). It was a barfsplosion, if there is such a word. She kept barfing on the bed and then we’d change the bedclothes or switch to the spare bed and she’d do it again. Poor girl. She kept us up all night!
8. Daily Tragedies | June 11th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
Every time I read something like this, I shudder and go right back to my mother’s “no pets. EVER.” stance. Part of me thinks every kid should get to grow up with a dog, but a much, much bigger part of me does not ever want to deal with a pet-related assplosion at 4am.
9. Crystal | June 11th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
This is why I do not have a dog. I have to wipe my 1 year old’s ass, that’s quite enough. Unfortunately, my cat is not very fond of me and likes to play hide-a-poop sometimes just so I have to clean it up.
10. elise | June 11th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
In our house, we call it blasting ass.
And yes, 4am is most certainly the middle of the night. Holy crap.
11. Aim | June 11th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
When my darling babycat Shine came to live with me as a 5-week old rescue kitten, she had godhelpus coccidea. (Which is a microscopic intestinal parasite.) You. Would. Not. Believe. The amount of poop a 6-ounce creature can produce. And bless her heart, because she is a cat she wanted to go into the litter box, but because she was so teeny-wee and not fully in control of her legs at that point she would stumble about in said litter box… Oh, the poo. Poo everywhere. And I would wrap my hand around her tiny kitty torso (my fingers fit around her tummy, she was so itty), fill the sink with warm water, and just swish her tiny pink & black & white paws back & forth in it, then dunk her fluffy bum in the water & go after it gently with a wet washcloth. Several times a day. For about three weeks.
We are very, very bonded, my & my Shine, and trust me — when Sunny gets together with the neighborhood dogs, she brags about what a good mom you are. “Woof! She cleaned up my ass, yo!!!”
12. H | June 11th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Our beagle will, if given the opportunity, eat tampons. (He checks the contents of my purse if I happen to leave it on the floor but he’s been known to take them directly out of the box if he can reach it.) Although it beats cleaning poop out of the carpet, pulling a tampon out of your dog’s ass is no fun either. My husband gets pretty cranky when he has to do it. I guess it’s the opposite of an assplosion — assplug maybe?
13. Kara | June 12th, 2007 at 12:26 am
Okay I’ve been shamelessly reading since the Divacup/moon cup discussion and this has brought me out of lurking mode to post. We have two kids and two dogs. One dog LOVES used diapers. She prefers dirty ones. YUCK! So tonight we walked into a house of opened trash bag and scattered/chewed/spilled diaper contents. GROSS. Its bad enough when you have to clean it off their butts, its worse cleaning it a 2nd time off the floor!
14. Gentry | June 12th, 2007 at 12:58 am
J-
For the love of god, when my site relaunches remind me to give you the super duper secret discount code so you can have my name, not Steve’s, on your ass.
Please.
15. erica | June 12th, 2007 at 5:37 am
Not sure what sorts of recommendations you’ve received for bras, but if you are still in the market for new boob slings, I vote for the Victoria’s Secret “Secret Embrace.” Until I got knocked up those are pretty much the only bras I would wear. Why, you ask? Because they eliminate back fat, an issue that I have struggled with at every weight I’ve ever been at – fat to skinny.
With the pregnancy I am now rocking the Hanes cotton wireless bras which are sent from heaven I swear. You can get them at Target for I think 10 bucks. Solid.
Good luck w/the boobs.
-e
16. Lawyerish | June 12th, 2007 at 8:27 am
Mandarin & Ginger, from the Aromatherapy collection. That stuff rules.
17. Christine | June 12th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Ditto to Lawyerish on the Mandarin and Ginger.
And oh so sorry about you and Sunny’s awful morning. Cat just didn’t want to be left out on the action.
But, BUT Big Love is back. And I love it.
18. Sues | June 12th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
One day my husband and I were out in the yard. The dog was around the garage. Before we even saw the dog we smelled this horrible stench. He came around covered in who know’s what crap! I mean it’s bad enough knowing you’re cleaning up your dog’s crap – but unknown crap? My husband conveniently had an appointment at the precise moment.
He forgets – I don’t forget anything. I just wait for the opportunity to present itself for paybacks
19. Cassidy | June 12th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
I am STILL dying about H’s dog that has tampons coming out of it’s bum. ewwww… this is exactly why I can’t have a dog at this stage in my life, I am just too selfish. I like my dog poop free mornings.
20. Melissa | June 12th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
I had a few pairs that freaked me out whenever I went to pull things back together – my first thought was always “Who is this Steve and why is his name on my tag?” It was St. Eve, but a quick glance surprised me every time.
So sorry to hear about Sunny’s (and your) rude awakening.
21. Amy K | June 13th, 2007 at 12:44 am
Wow. Seriously, wow. I’ve owned dogs all my life, and there’s never been a single assplosion from any of them. That must be such a terrible way to wake up, for you and poor Sunny both, The worst thing here so far (excuse me while I go knock on wood for a few minutes) has been one of my canine crew accidentally stepping in a fresh turd and running through the entire house with a poop boot on. We didn’t own a carpet shampooer at the time, and it was the morning of our wedding rehersal dinner when all of my relatives were coming to see our house for the first time. All paws are now carefully checked/washed before re-entry.
22. Jenn | June 13th, 2007 at 8:57 am
One of my cats is bulimic. Every now and again we’ll wake up to what we refer to as “The Vomitorium” as he has managed to puke up half-digested cat food on every. surface. available. It’s quite disgusting.
23. claire | June 13th, 2007 at 11:47 am
oh. oh, i’ve encountered the assplosion, too. the LittleDog (short-haired, thank goodness) did it in her crate one fine day after eating godknowswhat. I came home and first noticed the smell. When i looked in the crate? One pathetic looking (shitty) dog in wall to wall (shitty) mess.
In the tub, she went. She was covered. COVERED.
I am thankful it wasn’t on the rug – for that you get my deepest sympathy.
24. winterwheat | June 13th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I come into contact with baby poop every single day and your post *still* grossed me out. Dog poop is far grosser than baby poop.
A friend’s ginormous great dane ate a pair of pantyhose, and got really sick. He stood all shaky-kneed outside in the classic catcher’s pose, trying to expel a giant log of poop ENCASED IN THE FOOT of one of the legs of the pantyhose. My friend’s dad, against the vet’s recommendation, grabbed hold of the leg and pulled. Fortunately, the whole rotten mess came out and the dog rebounded to exuberant good health within mere minutes. So–I guess my conclusion is that you’re not alone. I don’t think it was 4:30 a.m. though.
25. meepers | June 13th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Oh man am I happy that Big Love is back. Um SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE FIRST EPISODE YET)….did you notice that when Roman showed the “Bridal Registy” book, the lady in the picture had a little dossier that said, “Venereal Warts” on it? And those gross pictures of her hands and feet? WTH? I thought they were strictly virgins till marriage…what was that all about?
OK on to main topics: Coconut Lime Verbena. Can’t get enough of it. Assplossions: I’ve been pretty lucky with the cats and dogs in my life thus far, but have been waked out of a dead sleep by my cat walking right over my head with a fresh dingleberry on his (short) booty fur. Rank!
Poop happens.
26. metalia | June 15th, 2007 at 5:44 am
I second (third?) the Mandarin & Ginger recommendation Mmm. Oh, and hooray for Big Love coming back! (And Top Chef!)
Also? The Steve underwear is KILLING me. It reminds me of the “Life”-brand mankinis that we spied at a WalMart in rural Pennsylvania.
27. Susan | June 18th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Where have you been? I miss reading you.
28. Jonniker. » Wondert&hellip | June 18th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
[...] Speaking of underwear, remember when I mentioned Steve underpants? Yeah. Melanie subtly pointed out that they could be St. Eve, which they totally are. Which makes me a dope, albeit a dope who is INTENSELY disappointed that some dude named Steve isn’t making eponymous underwear for women. I mean, why WOULDN’T he, and further, why haven’t men across America created their own branded underwear? They could be on the asses of women all over the world! The bragging rights! [...]
29. Jen | June 21st, 2007 at 6:45 am
Can I just tell you how happy I am that I found your blog today? I am happy in my cubicle now, just sitting here trying to hide the fact that I am laughing my ass off. So thank you!
30. Cum On Her Tits&hellip | September 14th, 2007 at 5:28 am
Cum On Her Tits
Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me
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