Wondertwins
June 18th, 2007
Yes, yes, I KNOW it’s inappropriate to apologize for not blogging, and really, I don’t think I’m important enough that anyone cared too deeply, but JESUS CHRIST, what a week, and I’m sorry if I freaked anyone out. (And by “anyone” I really only mean the two people who e-mailed me with the subject, “Are you alive?”)
I am alive, but barely hanging on, I tell you, after one of the most insane weeks of my life, and although I’d like nothing more in this entire world than to go to sleep, if I don’t put this up, I’m afraid I’ll fall out of habit and never blog again. Or something. As if. Anyway, now that most of the torture is over, I am left with nothing but absolute misery and anxiety, wondering if I did something wrong, screwed something up, ruined my life. And the worst thing is that I did screw something up because I was nervous, but never mind! We have moved on!
What I mostly want to know is this: why do you sweat when you’re overtired? What’s with the sweating? Am I feverish? Sickly? No, I’m just pooped. And 90 degree weather aside, I’m sitting in cucumber-like air conditioning and sweating buckets through my clothes for no other reason than pure exhaustion.
Yesterday, upon leaving a Father’s Day brunch with my in-laws, I overheard Adam’s mother telling him that I looked “sexy,” which both amused and horrified us, because while yes, yes, that’s very sweet, I could tell by the look on his face that her pointing it out was about as appealing as if my dad leaned in conspiratorially and whispered in my ear that Adam was hot, followed by a lick of his finger and that gross sizzling sound. I’m pretty sure it had the opposite effect she was hoping for. Also, I can pull most of my pants off without undoing the zipper now, and that’s something, let me tell you. It’s an especially nice trick if you aren’t trying to pull your pants off, and when you get up after working on a long project, you bare your Hanes Her Ways to the crowd.
Speaking of underwear, remember when I mentioned Steve underpants? Yeah. Melanie ** subtly pointed out that they could be St. Eve, which they totally are. Which makes me a dope, albeit a dope who is INTENSELY disappointed that some dude named Steve isn’t making eponymous underwear for women. I mean, why WOULDN’T he, and further, why haven’t men across America created their own branded underwear? They could be on the asses of women all over the world! The bragging rights!
Further, the St(.)eve underwear in question are a new type that I am entirely unfamiliar with, and need to discuss. What’s with this new, um, hybrid type of underwear I’ve purchased? This not-quite-a-thong-not-quite-a-bikini-type underwear that fits in the front and…hugs the back in a thong-like way without actually being um, thong-like (sans floss, but with some inner … inner … inner-buttal something going on)? Where have I been? And do people LIKE this kind of underwear? Because if I’m doing it right, and God, I will die if I am doing it wrong and just bought the wrong size, I think I do, because as far as the aesthetic qualities of thongs go, I am NOT A FAN, because Jesus, nothing makes your backside look larger, oh my God. It’s like wearing high-waisted pants with no pockets. Not that I wear thongs sans pants to work or anything, but wow, wouldn’t that be a picture, and I might add it to my List of Things I Would Do if I Won the Lottery and Want to Freak People Out Because I Am Rich. Then again, I’m not really all that into panty lines either. I’m just saying, but more importantly, why am I saying this? Why? I have some sort of wild compulsion to share completely inappropriate things ALL THE TIME.
And while we’re on the topic of underthings, I finally bought new bras, thanks in part to your recommendations, and though I’m loathe to admit this, I found myself in Victoria’s Secret, because the Macy’s girl was all but feeling me up and breathing down my neck without actually coming up with a realistic bra size, and I was desperate to wear a black shirt again, because somewhere, in a giant black hole of suck, my black bras are having a party that involves tequila and someone else’s boobs. Also, they were having a sale, and their bras were cheap AND, just to tack more on to this caveat, one of my best real-life friends (go kiss her belly, because she’s awesome) recommended the Secret Embrace which is precisely what I ended up with, and I have to say, Erica was right. I still hate Adriana Lima and Victoria’s Secret, I just made an exception out of loyalty and desperation, or at least that’s what I’m telling myself. But I’m quite happy with the two I bought. Next up: Gap’s wireless push-up bra, thanks to Whoorl.
Also, y’all, go get fitted again. Despite a 25-lb. weight loss, I was horrified to discover that I am actually a size bigger than I thought, which means I must have been busting out of those suckers, and not in a good way. I’m thinking it was more in a way that involved backfat (BACON!).
I’m also thinking that given the lack of sleep around these parts, that this made about as much sense as…Christ, I can’t even think of an analogy. I’m going to go sweat through some new clothes instead, and throw back some vodka. Happy Tuesday! I missed you!
*Update: Oops! It was Melissa! I told you I was overtired! Melissa, Melanie, Steve, BillyBob. Apparently they’re all the same when you’re tuckered. Sorry, Melissa!)
**Shannon Worrell
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
29 Comments Add your own
1. elise | June 18th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
We missed you, too!
Two quick things:
One, the Gap Wireless Push-up Bra is brilliant.
Two. once you ever find out what size you (actually) are and find bras you like, try the website figleaves.com. Someone just told me about it a few days ago and holy hell, for someone with an impossible to find and undesirable bra size (32 B, for all who are interested), it is AWESOME. There’s literally hundreds of choices in about 20 different categories. Bra heaven, I think. And, without breathy saleswomen!
2. whoorl | June 18th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
Pear vodka! Drink the PEAR VODKA. It is tasty! And non-sweaty!
You were missed, dear.
3. Heather B. | June 18th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
A-freaking-men to the bra fitting. Best thing I’ve done for myself ever. And my boobs thank me as well, because they were uncomfortable and rather pissed I’d imagine.
Oh, HI! By the way.
4. Janssen | June 18th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Glad you’re back! The hybrid panties discussion cracked me up! Too funny.
5. Leane | June 18th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
I have st.eve panties too..and always call them my steve panties
But i’m not sure why they keep creating them with less and less fabric in back.
I was shopping this weekend and my hubby was with me. I refuse to wear thongs. i don’t care how sexy they may be. They do not APPEAR comfy.
6. jonniker | June 18th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
I cannot, just CANNOT, BELIEVE that two out of five people here used the word “panties.”
I love you guys, but I don’t know if I can look at you the same way anymore.
PAN. TIES.
7. Melanie | June 18th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
So sweet to link to me! But I didn’t realize the St. Eve thing, either – it was someone else (I think named Melissa?)…. I was totally thinking some dude named Steve had something to do with your underwear.
8. Crystal | June 18th, 2007 at 8:52 pm
I’ve never been able to bring myself to wear a thong. Just can’t do it. Underwear should never find itself in some places.
9. Sueb0b | June 18th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
panties panties panties lalalala moist moist panties
10. Gentry | June 19th, 2007 at 3:49 am
The hybrid panty of which you speak is called a “tanga.” And as a lingerie manufacturer, I am doing my part to eradicate the menace.
11. claire | June 19th, 2007 at 5:16 am
oh, i was going to do what Suebob did. gah, she beat me to it. : )
I really have no idea what bra size i am. Yeah, i’ve been wearing one since the 6th grade and all, but i’m sure i’m not the size i’ve been wearing. I so need to do that.
Now i want to find a pair of underwear with a RALPH label or something. No confusion with Ralph.
12. elise | June 19th, 2007 at 5:48 am
Gentry – A TANGA? Is that sort of a play off of tango, as in you’re supposed to feel so sexy and free in these mini-PANTIES that you want to dance?
13. jonniker | June 19th, 2007 at 6:32 am
Gentry: A perfunctory Google search reveals that I am likely either talking about a tanga or a boyshort. I always thought that boyshorts were…well, more in the coverage range of the whole booty, but apparently not. I’m gathering some images that look like a thong-hybrid sort of…underpant. (NOT PANTIES FOR CHRISSAKE PEOPLE)
14. Sadie | June 19th, 2007 at 6:59 am
Yeah, I have a couple pair of those “tanga” underwear (from VS, natch) and while the boyfriend digs them, I can’t actually wear them under clothes, on the grounds that I feel compelled to repeatedly dig at them to make sure they haven’t turned into a thong, or lumped up and rolled at the edges. I am one of those rare women who prefers a thong to full-assed undies, because I just can’t stand the feeling of needing to corral my escapist ass back into my underpants eighteen times a day.
Note that I never once used the word “panties.” Oh, shit, there it is.
15. Lawyerish | June 19th, 2007 at 7:37 am
I’m sorry. Can we go back to the part about your mother-in-law calling you sexy?
The hell?
(TANGA. How great is that word??)
16. Andrea | June 19th, 2007 at 7:38 am
I feel compelled to point out that your website is the only one which I make a point to read the comments. Your commenters are the funniest people! But you are a genius in your topic choices, which brings out the funny, so it’s not just the comments that are funny.
And boy, that compliment came out weird at the end, didn’t it?
Don’t have anything to add except my extreme and utter distaste for thongs. I’ve tried and I can’t. Just can’t. I don’t care how much people say they’re comfortable, I don’t dig feeling like I need to dig my underwear (!!) out of my butt, you know what I mean?
Cannot even write the P word, because then it sounds in my head and I’m with you, J. It’s one of the words that I just can’t stand. But Sueb0b made me laugh.
17. jonniker | June 19th, 2007 at 7:43 am
NOT WEIRD AT ALL, Andrea! I love it. Dude, the comments I get here are WAAAY funnier than I could ever be, and I love each and every one of you all with my whole heart, I swear. I particularly like how it turns into a chat board in here sometimes.
Also, extensive Googling has revealed that yes, I am talking about the boyshort, not the tanga, which has me so completely and totally confused that really, I don’t get how the tanga would work without turning into a thong. Also, why are boyshorts designed to go up the bum? I thought the beauty of the boyshort was that they stayed…well, in the short area, AROUND the thigh, not up the bum! And yet, it appears that’s exactly what’s supposed to happen, thanks to Dr. Google.
18. Cassidy | June 19th, 2007 at 7:45 am
PANTIES! I also hate that word.
19. erica | June 19th, 2007 at 8:54 am
SECRET EMBRACE!!! Yes!
I’m so glad that this glorious bra worked out for you. I love them, though I too have Vickie and her fucking secret. The bra is great not just because of the back fat elimination, but also because it makes my boobs look higher or something. On their own the funbags probably look more like two flapjacks, but there is something quite uplifting about the SE without being a true “push-up” bra. Magical, truly.
20. Melanie | June 19th, 2007 at 11:17 am
I LOVE the boyshort – they are just freaking awesome. I always feel like they shouldn’t be sexy, and yet they are so much. Plus they’re comfortable. I used to wear only thongs years ago, and got a bunch of yeast infections (sorry if TMI), but since giving them up and embracing the bikini and boyshort cuts, I haven’t had a single one. Weird and gross, but true.
And I totally need a Secret Embrace. Either the bra or just somebody secretly holding me because I need a hug.
21. erica | June 19th, 2007 at 11:45 am
My earlier comment should say “hate” Vickie, not “have her. That’s kind of racy.
22. Leane | June 19th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
But underpants or underwear? I dont like that word either. frankly. I can’t think of a GOOD word for them.
23. Melissa | June 19th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
Well, this explains the hits I’ve been getting from your site!
I guess I say underwear or (sorry) panties. Neither word sounds quite right to me, but there aren’t that many words available. “Underpants” makes me think of boys’ Underoos, and that isn’t quite what I wear.
24. Kara | June 20th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
how about “undergarments”
I too fell prey to the “boy shorts” thinking that they would stay down when in fact they did NOT. However, I found Hanes tagless sport boy shorts/boxer briefs. these are wonderful! I can wear them with pants/capris that do a little extra hugging in the butt area and there are no lines and no thong action. Love IT!
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28. snarsh | January 2nd, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I’m so glad you blogged this, I have been searching for Steve Underwear and Steve panties for about an hour now. I can only find them here in Canada at Winners (TJ Maxx) and only at xmas. But there the most comfortable things in the world. Now at least I know the right name. I double checked the tag after finding this and it is indeed st.eve.
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