Animal
June 21st, 2007
Hi! So basically, I am humbled and embarrassed, because you all, once again, showed me up with your kindness and hilarity, and I’m even embarrassed to write this part, because again, I don’t know, I’m humbled. And embarrassed. And that’s kind of all I know how to say at the moment, because it’s true. Except that dude, where have you all been? I’m so happy to see you!
Also, in our unexpected series on Underthings and Their Terrifying Perils, there was some sort of cosmic comeuppance today when I hit a snarky streak, and started bitching to a co-worker about workplace dress codes (in general, not ours). My particular gripe was that dress codes are ridiculous, because they don’t address the fact that female employees–particularly in sales roles, at least at my previous companies–are never held to proper standards, because their boobs! Their boobs are on display! And everyone just smiles and nods at the boobs, because boobs sell, and why not rest them on the table as part of the negotiation discussion, especially if they get people to buy more? I hate inappropriate use of boobs, especially when I’m not allowed to wear flip flops. Nipples are okay, but Reefs aren’t? This seems wrong somehow.
(Also again, seriously, my company doesn’t have a dress code, so this isn’t a current issue, God forbid)
I made this point, forcefully and repeatedly, asking with a disdainful tone: which are less appropriate, boobs or flip flops? I was getting all up in his grill with waving fingers of misguided feminism, and how women who bare their breasts in any workplace that doesn’t expressly call for their appearance are really screwing things up for the rest of us. And then I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.
Oh hi, bra! And boob! It’s nice to see you, all partially exposed and all, especially during a conversation about the evils of boob-baring women in the workplace. Also, the black bean shell covering my right canine was particularly fetching, giving the illusion of a missing tooth. A toothless raving feminist with bad hair, an ancient tank top and an exposed boob. Awesome.
By the way, last night was the AFI Top 100 Movies … and it’s time for me to admit that I didn’t like Citizen Kane. I’ve never liked it, despite seeing it HUNDREDS OF FLIPPING TIMES, and Jesus, thank you, I get it, it’s the best movie ever made. Except, it isn’t, because it just doesn’t resonate with me. Like Lolita, it’s one of those things I can appreciate, but don’t really dig, and it didn’t help that The Godfather didn’t usurp it, because seriously, y’all, it’s The Godfather!
Speaking of pop culture, um, remember the dream come true? The Nielsen dream? Like my friend Erica warned, we have yet to receive a package. I might never become a Nielsen family, and the dream is close to being shattered, just ripped to shreds. This is particularly unfair, given my strong feelings about Top Chef: Miami, which includes Tre (love!), Hung (love!), and Joey (hate!), and Padma Lakshmi, who seems to be growing some sort of personality as she breaks away from Rushdie, not to mention my ever-growing excitement at the new Paula Abdul reality show, because seriously, the woman looks in the mirror and tells her hairdresser that she’s a warrior, which conjures all sorts of hilarious images, mostly involving Paula in gladiator wear at Caesar’s Palace, like Jeremy Piven in a very old Ellen episode that no one likely remembers but me.
And finally, a glimpse into our weekend:
Yet further evidence that Adam and I can be dumbasses–partaking in dumbassery, if you will. She’s my in-laws’ eight-month-old Portuguese water dog, and we’re dogsitting her for the weekend–oh, we insisted, despite their obvious reluctance and repeated pleas of “Are you SURE?”–and her hobbies include barking, wailing, digging, chewing on furniture, torturing Sunny, and most of all, peeing. Yes, peeing is her favorite hobby, and she pees every chance she gets–ten times, at last count, all over our carpet, even five seconds after she comes back from a walk where–you guessed it–SHE PEED OUTSIDE. In fact, she’s probably peeing right now! Oh look! SHE’S PEEING. HOW CHARMING. Further, she’s FORTY POUNDS, compared to Sunny’s fifteen, and she has an um, I don’t know, ANUS TO MATCH? Adam called me at work today, and without saying hello, simply announced, “Her poop. It’s like ELEPHANT POOP, OH MY GOD IT’S HUGE.” And it is! IT IS.
Truthfully, I feel sorry for her, as the peeing is because she’s scared and thinks she’s been abandoned, for crying out loud. But that does not make me enjoy the peeing, or the Nature’s Miracle, which I bought an entire gallon of this afternoon, and have already whipped through about half, oh holy piss.
Sunny’s all set with the whole situation, and in fact, would like the peeing beast to get the hell out, thank you very much.
I hope you all have a great weekend, free of a strange animal’s urine.
*R.E.M.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
42 Comments Add your own
1. Heath | June 21st, 2007 at 7:27 pm
I don’t have much to say about boobs today, but I DO want to say that that is the most pathetic picture of Sunny ever. Sooooo saaaaaad.
And I’m sorry about the peeing problem.
2. Cassidy | June 21st, 2007 at 7:33 pm
There is nothing worse to me that dog pee all over the carpet! I am *always* offering to do things for people (babysit 2 year old twin for an entire weekend!) and then quickly regret it and whine the entire time. Why do we do things like this?
Boobs? I am going to be honest; I have used them in my youth. I just felt like I needed some sort of hand up, and that is all I could ever come up with. Because no matter how smart, witty, hardworking I was, nothing did it like the boobs. And I had no idea what else to do. But, I hope that you will still like me anyway. I have not done it since I was 21. I have reformed and feel that self respect is more important. I just wish everyone else could learn that lesson.
3. -R- | June 21st, 2007 at 7:52 pm
Sunny is adorable! The in-laws’ dog looks cute too, or I would think so if I hadn’t just read about its hobby of peeing everywhere.
4. Melanie | June 21st, 2007 at 7:56 pm
Yuck. Dog pee and elephant poop. At least you have new underwear, though. Apparently so that you can show off your breasts better.
5. jen | June 21st, 2007 at 10:16 pm
Did Padma and Salman go their separate ways? I just assumed she was developing a personality b/c she’d been told she was like a talking ironing board. There was one shot in episode #1, in fact, where I really thought they caught her looking at the camera questioning, like, was that perky enough? Are you sure?
Also, Trey and Hung, also love.
Good luck w/ the (super cute) pee monster!
6. Maya | June 21st, 2007 at 11:14 pm
I will admit that in my bout of insomnia (bed at 3:30, woke up VOLUNTARILY at 6…wtf?) last night, I wondered several times how your Nielson family experiment was going. And was going to ask you in my next commment.
In law pee-pee-peeee dog is cute, but SUNNY…the pathos and woe in those eyes really cannot be matched. I think the forehead wrinkles do it.
7. Blythe | June 22nd, 2007 at 1:51 am
1. I like to tell myself that Citizen Kane is The Greatest because of its place in film history. It makes me feel better about finding it boring.
2. I’m stuck with the British version of Top Chef, where they only show the cooking parts, none of the at-home drama. Those damn English and their classy TV shows.
3. Also, I’m late on this point, but Bath & Body Works makes me happy. For the same reason I secretly (well, it’s not really a secret) love The Cheesecake Factory. I can’t quite explain the attraction, but I am drawn there like an alien abductee back to the Mother Ship.
4. And I’m late to the love-fest but you know I’m a fan. I love it when I see that “Jonniker” in bold on my Google Reader.
8. Elizabeth | June 22nd, 2007 at 2:40 am
Dog pee is pretty bad, but my vote for the worst ever would have to be for cat pee. Dogs can produce volume, but the godawful and everlasting stench award goes to cat pee. Dog poop, however? Far worse than cat poop.
Respectfully submitted.
9. Leane | June 22nd, 2007 at 4:10 am
Ohh dog pee
not fun. I have two doggies but they thankfully pee outside..and if one has an accident I don’t mind so much..but someone else’s dog peeing in your house is not a good thing. Just like throwing up- I can’t handle throw up. Yet somehow my own child’s sickness doesn’t affect me and I can clean it up without gagging. Sending hopes that the weekend with the visiting dog, goes by fast!! 
Sorry for the ramble. I need more coffee. Yes. I do.
10. Claire | June 22nd, 2007 at 5:10 am
Boobs are definitely more inappropriate but luckily, my workplace doesn’t give a crap. I’ve been wearing Reefs and maternity shorts all summer and no one cares. But seriously, flip flops are in right now – let everyone wear them already.
11. claire | June 22nd, 2007 at 5:15 am
Imagine, if you will, a 90 lb puppy who hasn’t quite figured out house breaking yet. Then imagine the absolute *gallon* of pee that a dog that size can produce at one time.
Nature’s Miracle was my friend for a couple of months. Stupid giant dogs.
I was just thinking this morning while getting dressed about the injustice of not being allowed to wear flip flops to work. Interesting.
I say less boob, more flop. But when i lose more weight, i might change my opinion.
12. Sadie | June 22nd, 2007 at 6:00 am
Heh. I work in sales, and I can vouch for your boob gripe. The poor men, they have to wear ties even on Fridays, but the ladies can wear spaghetti-strapped tank tops and espadrilles, looking like some kind of summery sex buffet, and that IS A-OKAY. I am a fairly modest sort when it comes to office-wear, and yet on the rare occasion I wear something that reveals a glimpse of my lady-form, my boss is all, “make a lot of sales calls today, ho ho,” *wink wink*. Gross.
Also, your posts about dogs make me ever so grateful for the flawless bathroom (bathroom?! er, yard?) habits of my own canine. I have never known the scourge that is cleaning dog pee out of carpet, nor have I had to deal with LEAKING ASS GLANDS or elephantine poops. My dog, he just goes outside in the yard where I can’t see him, and he takes care of things. And he tells me he has to in advance, so I can open the door for him. I appreciate that.
13. TwoBusy | June 22nd, 2007 at 6:11 am
A toothless raving feminist with bad hair, an ancient tank top and an exposed boob.
Best. Self. Description. Evar.
14. erica | June 22nd, 2007 at 6:13 am
I echo TwoBusy’s comment wholeheartedly.
And, my GOD I am sorry about Nielsen dammit. I am still holding out hope that they follow through for you, those bastards.
Hey, good luck with the pee this weekend dude. I guess at least it’s not diarrhea, right? Eh?
15. mar | June 22nd, 2007 at 6:35 am
currently experiencing some trepidation about the amount of boobage i’m exposing at work. but the bf is taking me out for a nice, surprise (don’t know where!) dinner after work & i wanted to look cute. he obviously appreciates the expanse of bare flesh, being only 23. after reading dooce, i fear that the groping will continue well into my advanced years.
good luck with the doggy & hopefully receiving your tv packet in the mail soon.
and i am so thankful for your welcoming comments. i love reading you! er, about you?
16. Andrea | June 22nd, 2007 at 6:38 am
Growing up, I had an abundance of boobage. I got a reduction when I was 23, but before that, no matter how much concealment I tried, they were so big that they got attention I didn’t intend to garner from people. Even post-reduction, the concept of boobs as currency is so foreign to me that I just can’t bring myself to attempt any purchasing. I’m too awkward on the whole subject.
Hope the rest of the weekend is dog pee free and Sunny gets her space back soon! You’re very kind doing the dog-sitting thing.
17. Crystal | June 22nd, 2007 at 7:10 am
I agree with the commentor above who mentioned cat pee and it’s god-awful stench. If you even miss cleaning up a tiny drop of it, your entire house will reek of it. And then, you can’t invite over company because your house smells like cat piss/where the hell is that coming from?
Dogs, however, definitely produce more.
And, aw! Isn’t Sunny cute! Sad, but cute.
18. jonniker | June 22nd, 2007 at 7:12 am
Elizabeth & Crystal: You are SO RIGHT on all fronts. Dog pee doesn’t really have a smell, but cat pee, oh my God. No. It never vanishes.
Also, re: the boobs, please! No one feel self-conscious! I swear I’m not talking about a regular level of cleavage and/or large boobs in general. I’m talking about a very calculated level and use of boobage, involving low, near-nipple-length scoops of skin designed to get unfair advantages in the workplace.
19. lizgwiz | June 22nd, 2007 at 7:24 am
I wonder, if my life were free of dog and cat poo and pee and puke, would I even have a life left? I guess I’d definitely have more spare time. Heh.
I’ve never given much thought to the power of boobs in the workplace. Probably because I have so little ammunition in that department. Sigh.
God, I’m pathetic!
20. Jen | June 22nd, 2007 at 7:37 am
Man, I was so hoping you’d attribute this post’s title to Def Leppard.
21. jonniker | June 22nd, 2007 at 7:39 am
Jen: I thought about it, but I don’t own it, and I have this stupid self-imposed rule (that I seem to follow arbitrarily) that I can’t use it if I don’t listen to it. But Def Leppard would have been SO MUCH BETTER, I agree.
22. Jamie | June 22nd, 2007 at 7:40 am
I don’t know who your breeder was, but DAMN if Sunny doesn’t have the perfectly constructed Pug face. She’s like a poster child for the entire breed – really impressive. Also, pathetic looking, which if of course completely adorable.
23. April | June 22nd, 2007 at 7:45 am
So, I meant to pop in the other day to say hi but forgot. So, Hi! And, also, I was wondering what your thoughts on the new drug Alli were, seeing as you have worked your ass off (literally) with WW. I can’t seem to make WW work for me (although it has in the past- maybe it has something to do with all of those donuts?) and have resorted to this new drug with all of it’s possible scary repurcussions. Wish me luck!
24. Gentry | June 22nd, 2007 at 7:50 am
yay for our small dogs and their small poo. I don’t eat black beans in public because the strategically placed shell has happened to me too many times.
25. p|b | June 22nd, 2007 at 7:56 am
Ok boobs are awful. Actually I know someone JUST LIKE WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING. And she is incredibly unattractive so honestly it just makes it that much worse. And ugly face over big boobs. I’m going to hell aren’t I.
But there is ONE other point I’d like to mention here. It’s the idea of tattoo’s in the workplace. Personally I have no ink. Ink does not bother me though. I just don’t like needles. I prefer to draw fake tattoos that last until I shower. Seems more my style. Short lived and all.
Anyway, TRAMP STAMPS on these girls, over the *sigh* low rise “trousers” (using the term loosely) as if the tattoo that is scrawled across their stretched back fat ass is something ANYONE would want to see. And the filing OH THE FILING. They are bending over, filing things all damn day. And there it sits. Tinkerbell on a twig sprinkling pixie dust, floating over the ass. Right. Where. She. Belongs.
26. jonniker | June 22nd, 2007 at 7:59 am
First: SundayUndiesJen, I meant to tell you that I kept hearing that Salman and Padma were on the rocks–rumors have been flying for MONTHS, I guess, and Diane VonFurstenburg has been quoted as being overheard (how’s that for air-tight?) saying, “I can’t believe she’s leaving him!” Their marriage has always been perceived as a bit of a sham, with the theory that he married her for her looks, and she married him for his money and prestige (see her previous performances, including “Glitter” with Mariah Carey).
April: I’ve thought about Alli a lot, and I read the whole thing on it, and I’m not sure what to think. For starters, I tend to believe that the side effects are overblown. Yes, yes, anal leakage, FINE. But Olestra had the same warnings, and I ate SO MUCH OLESTRA back in the day and not once did my anus leak. In case you were wondering. So I’m not sure how realistic those concerns are, given that most side effects occur in a small percentage of people, or it wouldn’t have been approved by the FDA. And besides, ever eaten Malitol? Talk about um, anal leakage. Yet people suck that down in candy all day long.
I was reading Alli’s effectiveness, however, and saw that on average, users lost about a pound a month. ONE POUND. PER MONTH. Dude, that’s nothing, and you could lose that by walking a mile one day a week or, I don’t know, BREATHING HARDER during sex. So I’m not sure how effective it really is. My gut tells me that the number is likely skewed because people don’t change their dietary habits at all, figuring that Alli will just suck up the excess fat, so they overdo it, when they probably shouldn’t.
Overall, I’m not a fan of drugs. I try not to take too many, although I don’t talk about it much, and instead go for homeopathic remedies (am hippy! mock me!), even for things like headaches. I mean, I take antibiotics and such when I have to, but I’m super-duper conservative about them, as I am about almost all drugs, after a bad experience about a year ago with something totally unnecessary (it’s in the archives, but I can’t find it or I’d show you, but it was Topamax, which was AWFUL AND HORRID). So in that, I’m probably not the best person to ask, because medicines make me nervous in general.
27. Mauigirl52 | June 22nd, 2007 at 9:44 am
Workplace dress codes are always problematic. We have a “business casual” workplace, and most people seem to know what that is. We were more casual a few years back under a different CEO. I remember back then we got the occasional e-mail from HR saying something like: “People! I know we’re casual. But NO SPANDEX!”
So sorry about the peeing guest dog! May I recommend “See Spot Go”? It’s a spray product that, to me, works even better than the one you mention. Also, are you confining the dog to a less easily damaged location – maybe the kitchen? Put up some gates, or else barricade the doorways with furniture! Anything to keep the l’il visitor confined. Usually that helps a LOT.
28. Jody | June 22nd, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Yesterday the workplace forced us all into a mandatory 3 hour training class and sent half of us in the morning and the other half in the afternoon. I was in the afeternoon session and after comparing notes with the morning session attendess, the common theme was boobs. Each session had 1 person with implants and this is what we talked about after, not the class topic, but the boobs. And to make it worse the morning session boobs will be back for more training next week and us afternoon folks want to make sure we get to see them too. We are all really just 12 I think.
29. Taylor | June 22nd, 2007 at 12:57 pm
I can contribute actual useful advice about the Neilsen thing. We were called about 2 months ago randomly about participating and filling out stuff for them for which they would pay us. It was almost a month later that we actually got the package with cash in the envelope (we thought that was odd) and then we spent a week monitoring our TV habits. It happened to be season finale week so I am sure we look like huge couch potatoes who do nothing but sit and stare at the pretty screen all day.
So long story short do not worry that it has been so long, apparently there can be a very long delay from when they contact and when the actual package arrives. Oh and also Sunny? The cutest thing ever!
30. AndreAnna | June 22nd, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Awww, poor puppy.
And get ready to clasp your chest (2ample as it is.. lol) because I have never seem Citizen Cane or The Godfather,
Commence calling me un-American. lol
31. mcgee | June 22nd, 2007 at 2:35 pm
that is such a cute photo of your puppy cowering under the blanket..haha..
nature’s miracle is the bestest invention EVER. props to you for being so sweet as to dogsit..good luck this weekend!
32. Jamie | June 22nd, 2007 at 2:49 pm
I say this mostly to make AndreAnna feel better…
I have never seen Goonies.
There. Now you know.
33. Jen | June 22nd, 2007 at 2:54 pm
I just wanted to get your take on something. Is it just me, or is the scar on Padma’s arm getting gnarlier? That thing is frightening, and yet she does nothing to hide it. A little concealer would be nice, is all I’m saying.
34. jonniker | June 22nd, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Jen: Her scar is definitely getting worse, but I think it’s because they stopped covering it. It’s funny–all last season, I thought it was a tattoo because it was so faint. I saw a bunch of articles recently about her decision not to cover it (as she eschewed ideas of perfection, blah blah blah) and though I don’t particularly like her (I find her vacant and yes, I’ve always thought she was a gold digger), I did kind of like her stance on that, contrived as it was.
However, again, I don’t really like her. Yes, yes, Katie Joel was awful, but I don’t see Padma displaying THAT many more qualifications, given that she’s what, a supermodel who wrote random cookbooks? She also once described herself as “curvy” which I found HILARIOUS, because if she’s “curvy,” then I am “whale-like” and perhaps worthy of setting world fat records. Ergo, I’ve often believed that her scar story/stance was contrived.
35. AndreAnna | June 22nd, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Awww, thanks Jaime.. while we’re “coming out”, I have also not seen Star Wars. Not once. I almost thought my husband was going to leave me when we were dating and I told him that.. LOL.
36. jonniker | June 22nd, 2007 at 5:44 pm
AndreAnna, I haven’t seen a lot of things–it’s as if I lived in a cave, honestly. Fast Times at Ridgemont High … Revenge of the Nerds… God, the list goes on and on, honestly. It’s pathetic. I don’t judge people’s lack of movie-watching, glass houses and all.
37. Emily | June 23rd, 2007 at 4:08 am
I don’t have anything original to say because your previous commenters covered it all.
But the elephant poop reminded me! I read an awesome book the other day! And it is ABOUT an elephant! Sort of. Anyway, you should read it because I absolutely loved it and I believe we are kind of on the same level where literature is concerned.
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
38. Emily | June 23rd, 2007 at 4:10 am
Also I see that my previous comment posted at 4:08am which seems like I’m really cool because look how late I’m up partying! But really it’s 7:08 here and I’ve been up with a baby for an hour and a half. I felt I had to point that out.
39. Amy | June 23rd, 2007 at 8:31 am
I, on the other hand, have spent the week eagerly anticipating poop (of the feline variety) because my Shine appears to have one of those massive fluffy-cat hairballs that has migrated from her tum into her gut. I know this because my normally ravenous little beastie has been turning up her nose at her food, and I have been through this before (the previous time cost me over $300, including an x-ray and airline tickets to fly my ailing darling to Colorado with me so I could take care of her while I was coordinating my best friend’s wedding). So that’s been my week — grinding up flaxseed to sprinkle into her wet food and hunkering down in front of the litter box several times a day while cooing, “Did you poop out all that nasty hair, yet, baby?”
And. Do I really need to elucidate why flip flops are inappropriate for the workplace? Really?? How about I just throw out the word “slovenly” and leave it at that.
40. jonniker | June 23rd, 2007 at 1:52 pm
*throws flip-flop gauntlet DOWN on Amy*
BECAUSE OH NO SHE DID NOT. I’ll agree they’re not appropriate for all cases, but there are times–many, many times–that I conduct my business on the beach. For real! The beach! And even if I didn’t, THAT WOULD NOT STOP ME.
(Also, Emily, my timestamp is broken and set to West coast time. I, too, am on the East coast, though I have NO IDEA how to change it! None! I’m also picking up that book, as I am in need of a new one. Thank you!)
41. Jonniker. » Call Me&hellip | June 28th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
[...] Anyway. In further dorkitude, I am a hypocrite. Surprise! Remember that whole impassioned boob talk I gave one of my co-workers, and then followed it up by exposing my boob? And then the whole lack of fashion sense yesterday? Behold, the only time I will ever invite legions (okay, dozens) of strangers to examine my boobs. I made a last-minute shirt change today, and completely forgot to change bras, and at around 11 a.m., this is what greeted me in the bathroom mirror. (ELEVEN. IN THE MORNING. TWO WHOLE HOURS AFTER I GOT TO WORK.) [...]
42. reef tanks | January 14th, 2010 at 11:42 pm
Thanks for this great guide!
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