Spending the Day in the Shirt You Wore
June 25th, 2007
I wore a shirt with what I am guessing was flutter sleeves (is that a term?) today, and wow, it did not go well. I kept getting a glimpse of my … sleeves … out of the corner of my eye, and thinking that a) I must have looked like Melanie Griffith in “Working Girl” because holy hell, they gave me some SHOULDER; or b) Star Wars. All I could think of was Star Wars and that weird outfit that Obi-Wan Kenobi wore, or even better, did anyone besides me see National Lampoon’s European Vacation? And further, does anyone remember the outfit Rusty bought in Italy? I’m guessing not, but there were shoulder pads, and yea, it was hideous.
Anyway, really, it wasn’t a very good choice, and when I got home, Adam confirmed by looking at me for 2.2 seconds and wildly exclaiming, “Wow, um, are you a court jester?”
This was followed up with such gems as, “Seriously, dude, did I see you this morning? WHY DIDN’T I STOP THIS? I COULD HAVE SAVED YOU!”
And my favorite: “Have you, um, SEEN your armpits, oh my God?”
Because yeah. My underarms were completely and totally covered in little black balls that rubbed off, and suffice it to say they were ape-like. I’m still picking them out and flicking them across the room, which is by far one of the more attractive hobbies I’ve ever had, if you ask me–no, no, ask Adam.
In other news, my office moved two miles up the road and in the unpacking, a box full of my (now unused, thank you Moon Cup!) tampons ended up in someone else’s office, and further, a colleague and I were discussing female bathroom etiquette in the bathroom–including the merits and demerits of toilet seat covers–while we were both actually using the bathroom, which doesn’t much bother me, except when we came out, two of our male colleagues were looking rather pasty and, when pressed, politely informed us that um, actually, every single word (And…and…NOISE?) that comes out of the ladies room is actually amplified throughout the whole front of the office.
This means that moving forward I’ll be driving to the Applebee’s up the road to pee and do whatever else it is that I need to do, despite their insistence that okay, maybe not all the NOISES, just the voices. (This last bit of information was only offered after I looked panicked beyond all holy belief, so I am suspicious at best–not that I think they want to listen to me pee, but because I was positively PANICKED, but logically, I think they’re right. Just voices. JUST VOICES. *rocks back and forth*) Seriously, though, who designed such acoustics? Why are all bathrooms designed with such echo-ey walls and tiles? Bathrooms should be sound-proof, and it amazes me how few of them are. There should be fans! Carpeted walls! White noise machines! Random flushing noises that happen for the hell of it so that no one actually knows what you’re doing in there! JESUS.
Well, upon further reflection, maybe not carpeted walls. Because in every office I’ve ever worked, for reasons entirely unknown, the office is victimized at least once by someone who refuses to conduct their unsavory business while seated, resulting in some sort of wild explosion that defies any sort of logic, and thank God for tile in cases like that. Also, in college, our bathroom was carpeted, and it was just so upsetting, because those fibers acted like little TRAPS for whatever pee molecules hurtled through the air every day. And–AND–you know what mystifies me? Those toilet carpets that fit around the outside of the toilet on the bottom that you can buy in Target. Well, and carpeted toilet seats in general. Oh oh–and those padded toilet seats, because they always seem to trap things they shouldn’t, too.
I never intended to end up here. Sorry. But all of this is entirely irrelevant, because the beast, the beast is COMPLETELY GONE, as in, she’s at home where she belongs. And when they said they’d pick her up in an hour, they just had to get some dinner, we said, “OH NO, we will COME TO YOU. WE INSIST.” And then we deposited her in her little crate at home and rubbed our hands together with glee, because the house is OURS again! OURS! OOOOOUUUUUURRRRS.
Happy Tuesday!
*Poi Dog Pondering. My friend Andy gave this to me on a mix CD about 10 years ago. Andy still takes a hit off of a bong every night before he goes to bed, and for some reason this cracks me up, because I just can’t IMAGINE, and yet I know countless people who do it! For real! And I know that the fact that this surprises me makes me incredibly naive, but can you imagine having a bong in your house? And going through the miserable process of buying weed? Because I can’t, seriously, I just can’t. (Also, Andy is not his real name. Just in case, I don’t know…something.)
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
36 Comments Add your own
1. theotherbear | June 25th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
Oh dear. As if it’s not bad enough you spent the whole day with black bally hair peeking out from your armpits, everyone in your office listened to you wee and then talk about it. I hope it’s ok that I snickered. Ok, gotta go check my underarms in the mirror…
2. H | June 25th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
I can’t imagine. Really, I can’t. If I happen to have anything to do with a police officer, for any reason at all, I act and feel as though I have just committed a crime — even though I know perfectly well I haven’t. Imagine how I would behave if I actually bought weed! I wouldn’t even consider trying because I know I’d get caught — some how, some way.
And the bathroom noise thing cracked me up because on Saturday, I was in Target and HAD to take a dump — immediately. I went (very quickly) into the restroom and there was a woman in a stall sitting in complete silence. So, I sat in complete silence for as long as I could. It was painful but I managed to hold out for a few minutes. Finally, I gave up. She won. I stood up, pulled up my shorts and drove home as quickly as I could!
3. jonniker | June 25th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
H: First of all I AM THE SAME WAY ABOUT COPS. I wrote about it once, because it’s that ridiculous. Like, I think that a bag of crystal meth is just going to APPEAR in my purse, when I don’t even know what it looks like! Or how to get it! BUT I WILL HAVE IT.
Secondly, that situation in Target? I’m dying, because that is precisely the situation the colleague and I were addressing, post-toilet seat cover discussion. The standoff. NOTHING is worse than the silent standoff.
4. Melissa | June 25th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Padded toilet seats are the devil’s invention.
Honestly, they give me the creeps – they just seem so absorbant.
5. Schnozz | June 26th, 2007 at 2:41 am
I consider public-restroom design a bizarre remnant of a much less civilized life. It seems to me that if suddenly, today, all the bathrooms disappeared and we had to rebuild them in a way that reflects our current culture, there is no way in hell anything resembling STALLS would exist (are we horses? NO. NO WE ARE NOT), much less more horrifying concepts such as the urinal. I mean, are you serious? Are you serious that businessmen wearing really expensive suits still pee in front of one another as if they are five-year-olds playing in the backyard?
I feel like we’re trending away from all of this, just like we’re trending away from public showering at the gym, and I CANNOT WAIT. The pooing, it should be 100 percent private. End of story. When will humanity establish a little dignity? WHEN?
I think I would vote for whatever presidential candidate offered to take care of this for me so that I don’t have to encounter that eerily motionless and silent pair of shoes in the stall next to me, which is just creepy as all get out. Why do these candidates all focus on education or health care when really, everyone just wants to poo in peace?
6. AndreAnna | June 26th, 2007 at 4:41 am
Schnozz made a good point – if we were to design public bathrooms now, each would have it’s own little soundproof corrider with a white noise machine and Enya music.Then again, maybe the world would be less productive if we didn’t have to squeeze it out in a hurry because – By God – no one is in here !! Hurrry, hurry before the door opens!
7. bubandpie | June 26th, 2007 at 4:55 am
Is it a sleep aid, the weed? Kind of like Nyquil? Because I can somewhat imagine if, I don’t know, you were going to a campfire and planning to sing Kumbaya for a couple of hours, but just before bed? Isn’t that kind of a waste?
8. Sadie | June 26th, 2007 at 5:35 am
ugh, padded toilet seat s and carpeted toilet lids make me die a little inside. First, the carpet lids get all, um, humid from being in the bathroom, and they’re kind of sticky in that way that moist (AHHHH!) carpet can get. And second, there is no worse feeling in the world than when you are at a party or whatever and you go into the bathroom, and the padded toilet seat is still a little mashed down and warm from someone else’s ass. I’m not lying when I tell you I have peed in a sink to avoid that. (Don’t worry, I rinsed it out.)
9. Leane | June 26th, 2007 at 6:24 am
Ohhh I hate when people can hear me pee. I don’t know why but I just don’t LIKE the whole community women’s bathroom thing even. I hate that when I go in there, if someone else is in there I think “Maybe I’ll come back later”..because somehow then you have to have that passing conversation as one washes her hands, and you go in to pee..and YOU are there peeing..which I just think is private. Do I need to PEE in the company of co-workers?? No. I think not. Some things in life should be private..including peeing. I DO pee if I have to and someone else is there..but if I have a choice..I may walk down to the office bathroom with no stalls..just one locked door. The bad part about that one is that yes. You can hear the peeing outside of the room..into the office. EEEK. This is a whole topic. I will stop now.
10. p|b | June 26th, 2007 at 6:57 am
So I have a question about bathroom etiquette. Let’s say there are 5 stalls all in a row. And you, go in the last one. Thinking, I don’t know that the last one will provide you with the most space from anyone else and that maybe you could get a shred of privacy. There’s no one else in there, and you breathe a sigh of relief knowing that you can pee in silence and in solitude. CREEEEEK!! Oh good someone is coming in. Fine. I stop peeing. Why? WHY?! Why can I not just go? BECAUSE THEY WALKED IN AND SAT IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME. 4 other ones, open. Yes. Yes you should come into the stall directly next to me, because that doesn’t seem invasive at all. Would you like to hold hands under the stall wall as well? Jeezus. MOVE the frick over. And then, then comes the standoff as previously mentioned. But myself, I have a hard time peeing when there is no other noise. So they come in, clearly are planning on doing something I don’t want to witness and I still have to pee.
Luckily, where I am working at the moment, the boss has his own “executive” bathroom. With a sink, a urinal for him, and then a nice little closet toilet. And the door. IT HAS A LOCK. I now exclusively use that potty. There is no way in hell I’m going back to the community one in the office. OH! OH!!! Did I mention that the womens restroom has signs that say “as a courtesy to your coworkers please remember to wash your hands after using the restroom” I’m sorry, how old are we? I’m going to start wearing a plastic bubble to work. Ick.
11. Andrea | June 26th, 2007 at 7:02 am
Padded seats on toilets = a fart not intended by nature. I swear, every time I sit down on one of those things, they have just enough air built up in them that the act of my sitting down is just like my sitting on a whoopee cushion. I hate that. Then, if there’s someone outside the door waiting to go, they think I’m doing a #2 in there when I may not be.
I’m with Schnozz on the redesign of all bathrooms. I don’t know about the Enya and all that someone mentioned, but I’m all for the soundproofing. Not only do I not want to subject anyone to my own sounds, but I don’t want to be subjected either. Because I’m 12 at heart, and I can’t help it: farts are funny. So while they’re trying to stifle their farts and the whole fact that they have to go #2, I’m stifling my 12 year old laughter at their bathroom sounds. It’s humiliating on both ends and no matter how much I tell myself to grow up and I would be mortified if someone were to be snickering at me, I can’t help it.
Seriously, is it really too much to ask that the stalls just become walled little rooms with a door that meets both floor and ceiling and there’s no way to hear anything outside its confines? I don’t think so.
12. Andrea | June 26th, 2007 at 7:04 am
Oh and the standoff? I’m rolling over that one. Hilarious! Because it’s so true!
13. mar | June 26th, 2007 at 7:36 am
awww, fond memories of my job in the mci call center with poo-casso. there was someone who so despised our workplace that he went in the men’s room daily & made quite the mess of the back wall of the toilet. luckily i only heard about it 2nd hand, despite the many folks, male & female, who went in to admire the artwork.
14. elise | June 26th, 2007 at 7:45 am
I can’t believe no one has yet mentioned my least favorite, most horrifying aspect of public bathrooms:
THE PHANTOM SMELL.
There need to be something in this new bathroom design Schnozz brought up that takes care of the smell someone else has left behind. Because now? Now, when you walk into a bathroom that someone has effectively stunk up to holy hell, you just have to pray you can pee and get out of there fast enough to not have someone ELSE come in and think you are truly disgusting.
I have to fight the urge to not burst out of the stall, screaming “It’s NOT ME! I swear! All I had to do was pee. It smelled like this when I came in!”
15. clickmom | June 26th, 2007 at 7:49 am
I can pee and poo anywhere, but the one that gets to me are the vocalizers. I sat next to a grunter the other day in a fairly large public restroom but after a few of her gutteral caveman noises I felt like I was fleeing a thimble. Harsh.
16. Suebob | June 26th, 2007 at 7:50 am
Because I live in a seriously tiny house where the only interior door is on the bathroom, I do indeed have a white noise machine in the bathroom. Yes, I do. Guests should not have to wonder if I can hear them.
Padded toilet seats are the foulest thing on the planet. Do NOT want. There is one in a PUBLIC restroom at the comedy theater and it just sort of gives me the vapors to think of it.
I am sorry about the sleeves. Would it make you feel better to tell you about my tooth parsley on Friday?
17. Joni | June 26th, 2007 at 8:21 am
plb- I totally agree! I hate when people come in and there are a bevy of empty stalls and they choose the one next to me. Move over! I always thought it was just me that was a freak about that.
However, to me, the worst part about work bathrooms is the disturbingly high number of people who dont wash their hands. I have compiled a list in my head of people who dont wash and I cant help but get creeped out by them. I even confronted one particular perpatrator who always seemed to be in there when I was and never ever washed- just primped in the mirror and strolled out (so of course I think about how germy her hair is-eew). So one day I got up the nerve, after practicing the speech in my head in the stall, to say, Dont you think a quick wash is in order? And she replied- “I have a condition so I have to pee a lot. So I just sanitize at my desk.” WHAT! What about all the doors you touch in between, grubby!
If you cant tell, I think about these sort of things way more than I would like to admit.
18. Lori | June 26th, 2007 at 8:22 am
I guess I’m not too offended by the sounds in public restrooms, because you know, we all gotta go and even peeing makes noise. (Although sometimes you’ll encounter the “multiple flusher” who trys to mask the sounds/odors by flushing repeatedly.)
What offends me are the non-flushers and the “hoverers” who don’t wipe the seat when they miss the bowl! Please, I don’t need to see what you did in there! Flush! And if it didn’t all go away the first time, stay there and flush again! And if you tinkled on the seat, clean it up! Please.
19. Kristin | June 26th, 2007 at 8:38 am
Oh! The hoverers! soooooo gross. Also: I worked in an office where, every day, my boss would head into the bathroom (right next to my office! hello unwanted noises!) with the NEWSPAPER. AND he was a non-handwasher. He just came outta there too damn fast to have done any washing.
I saw a thing once where a study was done to determine how people choose bathroom stalls. Apparently it has a lot more to do with pheromones than we suspect. Stalls with strong pheromone scents were chosen more often. So I try to pick the stalls that are not my first inclination, reasoning that maybe those are used less by everyone and therefore less gross.
Yes, I too have thought about this far too much.
20. Cassidy | June 26th, 2007 at 9:30 am
My sister and I just discussed the little bath mat rug thing that goes around the toilet and she also thinks that it is revolting. I never thought twice about it until now and I completely understand the disgust. I had a coworker once who was always petitioning for loud music to be broadcast in the bathrooms, I think that sounds like a great idea and why has no one else thought of it?
21. Laurel | June 26th, 2007 at 9:36 am
ahh Working Girl! I used to watch that movie all the time and belt out “Let the River Run.”
Anyway, I just have to say that I detest padding toilet seats–there are not comfortable. They are hot and sticky and almost always crack and then pinch your butt as you sit on it. I know because my boyfriend mysteriously moved into three different apartments all with padded toilets seats until we started living together and I quickly replaced it with a normal one.
…sorry…padding toilets seats really get me going.
22. Laurel | June 26th, 2007 at 9:37 am
lol…replace all those “paddings” with “padded.”
23. jonniker | June 26th, 2007 at 9:55 am
The thing with padded toilet seats is that the plastic seam totally cuts your bum. It CUTS the bum in some sort of sausage-like shape. Those edges are SHARP.
Also, um, Sadie, I died seeing that you peed in the sink. How did you do it? HOW? Are you Amazonian? My bum can’t reach most sinks!
24. ali | June 26th, 2007 at 10:41 am
rusty’s outfit! of course! bwah!
can’t. stop. laughing.
25. Jen W. | June 26th, 2007 at 10:47 am
Weird. My friend Andy introduced me to Poi Dog Pondering (I know yours is an “aka”,but still…) It has taken me quite some time to be okay with the fact that other people can hear me in the bathroom. I just have to push the thought from my mind.
26. Sadie | June 26th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Jonna, no, I am only 5’4″. I just kind of…hoisted myself up there, with my back facing the mirror. The spigot did poke my tailbone a bit, but I’ll take the coxxyx bruise over the pinchy, slicy, ass-dented germ sleeve that is a padded toilet seat ANY DAY.
27. Dana | June 26th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Oh my gawd.
I cannot hover. My ass has to feel secure before I eliminate anything so I make a nest right on the toilet seat.
28. Jeanne | June 26th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
OK, back onto the hand-washing,.. I worked with a woman who would do her business in the stall, then crank the paper towel dispenser and take her toweling BEFORE washing her hands. This essentially negated any hand washing for the rest of us because we then had to touch the germy hand crank in order to get our own paper towels. I almost got up the nerve to say something to her (who am I kidding, I’m usually too shy to even post to this blog, which I read EVERY DAY!).
29. Leane | June 26th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
PS Were you really matriculated at Syracuse University? (reading some past posts!) That is not far from moi. AND I AM STILL MAD that there is no Rock Star this summer…none. Nada.
30. metalia | June 26th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
I was just about to add one more item to the bathroom grievances, and saw that plb had already covered it.
31. Mauigirl52 | June 26th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
I love all of the points everyone has made about the bathroom – I too hate the person who has to take the stall next to me when there are 4 other empty stalls. I also have experienced the Standoff. Schnozz, I have wondered for years why it is that men still pee in front of each other. I mean it’s just weird when you start thinking about it. You have to whip your you-know-what out right in front of your boss? I know they supposedly have this code of honor where they don’t “look” but come on. It’s just wrong.
I’ve also always wondered what the point was of the whole stall thing. In Europe a lot of public bathrooms are private – completely closed, top and bottom. Even if they’re trying to leave some opening for ventilation purposes, why not at least have the doors and walls go to the floor, so no one can be identified by their shoes? It is all very strange.
32. Andrea | June 27th, 2007 at 7:38 am
But Mauigirl52, think about this: if you can’t see their shoes then you can’t identify the non-handwashers later and know not to shake their hand or go through a buffet line behind them. Or even touch thre doorknob after them.
33. Audrey | June 27th, 2007 at 10:24 am
I don’t know why anyone would EVER put carpet in a bathroom. It just seems so wrong.
On a related note, a friend of mine is in Japan and she wrote a blog post all about public toilets over there.
http://laurensensei.blogspot.com/2007/06/reasons-i-may-be-turning-japanese-1.html
You may want to bring this information to the attention of whoever designed your new office building.
34. Beth | June 27th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
On bathroom noises/conversations being heard throughout the office — Several years ago, I worked for a startup magazine whose staff consisted of three men and me. Our little office had four separate rooms (they weren’t even really offices), and the bathroom was a little one-occupancy right off my room. The door was a regular hollow-core deal. There was a very noisy fan in the bathroom, so if I really had to pee I’d turn on the fan to mask the noise. Of course, I lived right down the street and would usually just go home for lunch and pee there, then just not pee for the rest of the workday at the office, because I dreaded being “heard” so much. The men in my office, however, drank coffee all the livelong day and would actually take the newspaper (and sometimes a cup of coffee — couldn’t they stop for even a few minutes??) into the bathroom and camp out for long stretches of time. And the bathroom was in my room, remember, so not only did I hear the rattle of the newspaper, the farting, the spraying of air freshener, and any other accompanying noises, I also got to enjoy the smells that lingered for a long time thereafter. Nothing like trying to work whilst inhaling the aroma of shit mixed with jasmine. Barf.
35. Maya | June 27th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Ugh. Padded seats = Germ cushions!
36. Kara | July 8th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
okay this is super late but totally fitting….seriously 1000 toilets all in one place..TVs, soft music, and shaped urinals? What?!?!? http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/07/06/largest.loo.ap/index.html#cnnSTCText
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