Call Me
June 28th, 2007
I don’t like the term “wiggle room.” It implies some sort of…wiggling, which in such an abstract context can sound sort of pervy, right? Or like there’s some sort of giant room full of wiggling things, like dogs and worms and piles of Jello, although come to think of it, that sounds kind of appealing. A Jello room! Yummy! They’ve used the term more times than I can even count during the NBA Draft this evening, which is why it’s on my mind. Wiggle room! (Also: Ray Allen!)
Moving on. Since you’re all likely getting your asses in gear for some delightful July 4 holiday plans, I must ask: am I the only person who just has WEDNESDAY off? How incredibly useless is that, I ask you? Oh, I just have a random Wednesday off. Great! GREAT. How festive. I don’t know what I’ll do with my free Wednesday when nothing is open and it’s hot as blazing hell, thank you, rigid nature of Independence Day, THANK YOU.
I’m procrastinating with ridiculous observations of nothing, because I have to tell you: I asked a girl out today, and it was extremely dramatic and ridiculous, and somehow, I managed to make it as dorky as possible, and I’m shocked, frankly, just FLOORED that this woman still talks to me. I met her at work–we work in completely different departments–and the office move put us in close proximity, and the thing is I like her very much and would like to see her outside of work. So I asked her to lunch or “go out sometime” or something like that (smooth!), which was SO HARD, and so…fraught with drama and involved an e-mail (AN E-MAIL) where I think actually told her that I really like her (I think I said that honestly. I think I said “I really like you!” like some kind of dumbass) and then basically asked her out, like this is a dating situation or something, Jesus.
It sounded like a come-on, really it did, but the thing is, she said yes, and we chatted again, and it turned out fine, but in retrospect, what else could she say after I propositioned her like that? WHAT COULD SHE SAY? “I realize you really like me, however I do not like you. I caught you picking your nose earlier, and your hair is the wrong shade for your skintone. Thanks, though!”
Making friends in adulthood is almost worse than junior high. Seriously. And I am so incredibly unnatural at it.
But, um, I think we’re having lunch or going out or something next week. I will probably fart or take my shirt off or something equally fetching. What makes this worse is that I actually got myself so worked up about the whole ridiculousness of asking out another person, much less a girl, that I sent a copy of the e-mail to my friend Erica, asking, “Is this dorky? Would you go out with me if you were her?” (She said she would, but then again, I feel certain there was a time several years ago when I made the same announcement to Erica, that gee, I liked her a whole lot. But she did go out with me nonetheless.)
I have this strange compulsion that when I like people, I have to tell them. I do this to bloggers, friends, family, co-workers. It’s awful. I say it so simply and stupidly, “I like you a lot!” as though their personality is a sweater or something that they can say, wow, thanks, I got it at Marshall’s, can you believe it? $5.99! I do the same thing if I think someone is pretty. One day, out of the blue, I will dorkily announce, “You’re pretty!” And then they will run off and tell their friends that the mentally challenged girl in the corner has a crush on them, and oh my God, get her away from me. GET HER AWAY FROM ME.
Speaking of Erica, she e-mailed me yesterday to see if I was around so that she could call me, and honestly, I was figuring it was something critical, like her pregnancy, or baby names or something, you know, important. No no. We made small talk for a few minutes, when she finally confessed that look, really, she wants to talk about Poop on a Plane–no no, I’m sorry, I think she said the Pile High Club. She actually said that: “My big news is this Pile High stuff, and I’ve been dying to talk to you about it.”
It was one of the greatest phone calls I’ve ever received, not only because she called me solely to talk about poop on a plane (love), but because um, have you seen this? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? I mean, my God. The honest truth is that for me, as Erica so eloquently put it, poop never ceases to be funny. I mean, look, I realize that I wouldn’t want to be on a plane with feces floating down the aisles (FECES IN THE AISLES! BROKEN TOILETS!), but the fact that they were told to control “what comes out the other end”? Horribly hilarious. I feel for them, I really do, and man, I hope they sue the pants off of the airline, but poop! on! a! plane! I can’t stop thinking about it! I am five-years-old. I know. I’ve always been this way, and chances are, I always will be. Poop! On a plane!
Anyway. In further dorkitude, I am a hypocrite. Surprise! Remember that whole impassioned boob talk I gave one of my co-workers, and then followed it up by exposing my boob? And then the whole lack of fashion sense yesterday? I made a last-minute shirt change today, and completely forgot to change bras, and at around 11 a.m., I realized my bra was fully sticking out of my shirt in its entirety.
I hope you have a great holiday weekend. I’m going to try to pretend to be marginally cool, in every sense of the word. Wish me luck.
*Blondie
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
35 Comments Add your own
1. Amanda | June 28th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
You’re funny: in your previous post you were explaining how you’re not comfortable posting photos of yourself. And now, one post later, are your BOOS (!) for all to see. What a complicated woman.
2. Amanda | June 28th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
I meant to say BOOBS. One more time, just for good measure: BOOBS!
3. Janssen | June 28th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Only Wednesday off here too. Which, hooray, no work, but completely useless because we can’t really go anywhere for one lousy day, now, can we? Ridiculous!
4. Sagebrushy | June 28th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Too funny; I laugh because the majority of, er, events, in your posts are things I would do or reactions I would have. Over and over.
In fact, I always act like a complete, nervous, twitchy, dumbass around a new girlfriend of mine. I am convinced her husband thinks I am on crack at all hours of the day. My two best friends, who are more like siblings, live across the country now and I am totally incapable of creating new, non-weird, friendships.
I just happened across your blog a few days ago, and I really enjoy your writing. I wish I could spin my mishaps into such witty commentary!
5. Heath | June 28th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
I totally tell new people that I like them. (Only if I do, of course.) I *think* most people think it’s awkward and a little weird, but endearing? I mean, everybody likes to know for sure where they stand…right? Or am I just creeping people out right and left with my blurting, and I’m too awkward and weird to even notice?
Hmmm. Perhaps I should reexamine my “honest communication” policy.
6. jen | June 28th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
I really do think that building adult women friendships IS like a courtship. I believe my best friend Laurie and I made mix CDs for one another, for heaven’s sake.
I bet if you have the feeling that you two get along, and you think she’s cool, it’s reciprocated — in fact, she is probably worried about something silly she said, too. I am comforted by the fact that all humans are essentially dorks.
I have never pulled the bra poking out of the tank top move before, but I have definitely switch shirts without changing only to go all day with a black bra silouette, oops.
Given your boob talk history, I recommend refraining from any posts about VPL or the like for a while. Who knows what kind of trouble you could get yourself into!
7. jonniker | June 29th, 2007 at 4:09 am
Jen: MIX CDs. That’s hysterical!
Also, Amanda, boobs are fine–or at least these boobs are–because there is no way, and I mean NO WAY this could be construed as serious and/or that I’m posting because I’m fishing and think I’m hot. I hope. Because wow, um, that is so not hot.
8. marina | June 29th, 2007 at 4:20 am
i tell people I like them too. when I like them a lot, i tell them more than once. with bloggers, I am not certain but I feel like a stalker most of the time. it’s like peeking into a person’s life on a daily basis, and even though they know people are doing it, you know that they don’t nkow who you are. But, well, I tell bloggers I like them anyway, even though it feels a bit strange.
.
By the way, I really enjoy reading your blog
9. kara marie | June 29th, 2007 at 5:02 am
I also tell people when I like them. Unfortunately this usually happens within the first, say, 20 seconds of meeting them, and more often than not involves beer. Even worse, I have said things like “OH MY GOD I HAVE SUCH A FRIEND CRUSH ON YOU.” And I say the pretty thing, too. I am awkward at making new girl friends, awkward beyond belief, and I sometimes feel that it is impossible for another woman to actually like me when I act like such a crazy stumbling jerk all the time. Sometimes I also get girl blog crushes, too, which is similar to girl friend crushes. I think the blog crush is even worse, because then I feel compelled to email a total stranger and say “Hi! You’re super rad! Your blog is pretty!” Usually within three seconds of hitting “send” I feel like a complete ass and wish I could sink into some sort of internet hole.
But!
I totally got happy thinking about a room full of dogs, worms, and Jello.
10. Claire | June 29th, 2007 at 5:06 am
I must be the only person ON EARTH who is excited about a day off in the middle of the week. I’m absolutely thrilled but everyone around my workplace (a university) would love for it to be Monday or Friday. I like a break in the middle to just do nothing, I guess.
11. TwoBusy | June 29th, 2007 at 5:33 am
Good job dressing yourself. (rolling eyes)
Anyhow. Ray Allen. Yes. I guess he’s a step up from Wally S., but is there a LESS exciting star in the NBA? And are you ready for the Big Baby Davis experience? Celtics basketball: feel the excitement!
12. Alexa | June 29th, 2007 at 6:22 am
No, you are NOT the only person with only a useless, useless Wednesday off. But I am the only person in my department who is not taking the rest of the week off as well. (Confidential to erstwhile kidney stone: I WANT MY VACATION TIME BACK!)
Also, Jonniker, I really like you.
13. Spring | June 29th, 2007 at 6:51 am
I do the “I like you!” thing, too! My husband makes fun of me for it all the time. Mainly because that’s how I snagged HIM. Except when I said it, I really did mean as friends. It just became more a few months later.
It’s SO DAMN DIFFICULT to make friends as an adult. So my solution for that is to go around acting like I’m on the playground again. “Hi, I’m Spring! What’s your name? Wanna be friends?” It works pretty well if you can get past the awkwardness of it all. It also helps if you pick people who have a keen sense of irony.
14. Elizabeth | June 29th, 2007 at 7:03 am
They should really warn you before you graduate from whatever schools (college, high school, grad school, whatever) that it will be impossible to make friends ever again. I’ve been living in a new community for two years and I’m so crippled by the insecurity of asking people to be my friend and actually spend time with me after work that I just haven’t done it. Compound this with the fact that I’m the one gay person in the office (happily married, thank you) and I don’t want them to think I’m coming on to them. Maybe I just have to embrace the dorkiness and go for it. You may have inspired me, and for that I thank you. I think it’s actually harder, being married, because at least I have my fall-back friend, my wife, to hang out with. Not that I don’t love hanging out with her! But I mean, I’m not going home to an empty house, so there isn’t that extra impetus. Did any of that make sense?
15. p|b | June 29th, 2007 at 7:09 am
OHMYGOD your posts are amazing. I am a bumbling idiot when trying to make new friends. Seriously, it happened recently. And I did the email thing, thinking that I could handle rejection better that way. No rejection came, but we are still in that awkward friend stage, you know? Where – you aren’t sure what you can and can’t talk about? So I usually end up asking all sorts of inappropriate questions. I think I’m a fairly likable person, in all honesty I would want to hang out with me. But for some reason I just imagine that other people think I’m completely insane. Oh, and this new friend I mention, if you could only have seen the conversation of me trying to GET her email address. Because we don’t work together anymore. She was leaving THAT DAY, she QUIT! And I had like 2hrs to drag my ass around trying to figure out how best to become friends in 2hrs. It was like being on The Amazing Race. Seriously, it was that difficult for me. Monkey? Doorknob? Me. I have a compulsion to tell people how I feel as well. So here – yes. Hi, I think you’re awesome.
Poop on a plane! That would have been a summer blockbuster. I don’t know why they went with Snakes on a Plane. Much less awesome.
And the bra – I love it. I hate tank tops for that very reason. But I love them as well. So its love hate. Kinda like making friends.
16. Danielle | June 29th, 2007 at 7:31 am
Another person here with just Wednesday off. Hi Wednesday! Thankfully, I am moving this weekend, so I can use that random day off to unpack and shit.
I hate moving.
And I like you.
17. Swistle | June 29th, 2007 at 7:32 am
I find the Jello magazine ads disturbing.
I LOVE people who are frank about how charming and beautiful they find me. I admire their excellent, excellent taste.
18. AndreAnna | June 29th, 2007 at 7:43 am
I also have Wednesday off, but my husband has to work a 12-hour shift (apparently a Federal holiday means squat to government employees – wtf?) So I will be alone with my teething 14 month old all day, and by the end of it, I surmise I will beating my head with a spatula in my kitchen walking in circles, mumbling to myself about molars.
I might – gasp – call the in-laws for some repose. Oh god, I take it back. I can’t believe I just said that.
I like you too!
19. Sarie | June 29th, 2007 at 8:31 am
I hear you. And it’s weird, not that I am the smoothest operator ever with guys, but I am way, way better and more comfortable hitting on a guy and trying to get a dating relationship started than trying to befriend women. I would so much rather be rejected by a guy than a girl – at least with a guy, you can tell yourself, no big deal – I might not be his type (you can’t be *everyone’s* type, right?). Or maybe he’s not single. Maybe he’s gay. Whatever. I think it’s worse with a girl because it’s more personal – if a girl doesn’t want to be your friend, it’s much more about who you are.
Also, when I was in college or high school, my friendships just happened naturally, and now that I’m grown up and moved away, I realized that even though I had friends before, I never really learned any skills to go make friends out of thin air because I didn’t need to. And now I’m 28 years old and a sad girlfriend-making virgin – very awkward.
20. Jeanne | June 29th, 2007 at 9:28 am
I like you! You’re pretty! Will you be my friend? I would have told you that your bra was showing (only if we were friends, I would never be able to tell a stranger, for instance, that their naked butt was mooning the patrons in Starbucks).
Only Wednesday is a company holiday for me. I’d prefer to have Thursday off instead. It’s hard to go see the fireworks when I know that I have to get up at 5:15 the next morning.
21. Suebob | June 29th, 2007 at 9:31 am
I like you so much that, if your bra was showing like that, I would assume that it was the new style.
22. Andrea | June 29th, 2007 at 9:35 am
I think your only recourse about the whole boob tirade to your coworker is to go back and tell them that in the last few days, you’ve decided to try the boob flaunting just to see how it feels. It’s the only explanation, and you can argue that it makes you a well rounded person trying out the other perspective.
I like you. And I too only have Wednesday off. Though I’ll be using it to do laundry and packing for a weekend trip to a relative’s. There’ll be mud volleyball (not played by me, but by my husband) and it’ll be interesting.
23. erica | June 29th, 2007 at 9:38 am
I’m sorry, but did ANYONE take note of the portion of this post about the plane with excrement flowing through the aisles? Eh?
Re: days off – someone decided to close our office for three whole days next week. Nice! I don’t know who made the call, but I love them.
24. jonniker | June 29th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Erica: It was Dawn. Dawn ALWAYS did that shit. It was one of her major redeeming qualities. We never got MLK Day, but goddammit, we got an assload at the Fourth of July!
Also, everyone, I like you too! And you’re pretty! And we can totally be friends, do you want to have lunch or something?
Sarie: I’m told that it’s not that unlike dating and that we shouldn’t take it as rejection. As um, my therapist has put it in the past, everyone likes different flavors! Maybe you’re chocolate and that person REALLY PREFERS PISTACHIO!
And Elizabeth: I totally get where you’re coming from. I love Adam, and we have a great time together, so it’s easy to say fuck it, let’s stay home and hang out alone with the dog again. I can also tell him I like him all I want, and he never thinks I’m weird. Well, for that anyway.
TB: I like Ray Allen. Sure, sure, he’s boring as hell, but so is Tim Duncan! Boring can be good.
25. Kristin | June 29th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Although I laughed out loud when I saw the picture, I really would have assumed you knew what you were doing and that you are just a bold fashionista. I probably would have been intimidated by your daring, in fact. But if you had, say, a tooth blackened by a bean hull, dude, I totally would let you know.
Hooray for Wednesday! Although I can see the logic of having Thursday off to sleep in after the fireworks, it’s much easier to plan if everyone knows what day they get off. My husband’s boss tried to make it a 3-day weekend, which some liked but I did not, because I would have been home alone with two kids, while hubby would have been home alone on Friday.
Also: I like you. You are my favorite blogger!
26. -R- | June 29th, 2007 at 11:30 am
I only have Wednesday off too, which makes me sad because Thursday is my birthday! I think everyone should get a free day from work on his or her birthday.
Like several others, I would have thought you were showing your bra on purpose. You are such a trendsetter! (Plus, how could you not notice that?!)
27. Laurel | June 29th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
I treat my best friend like my girlfriend. Much to the chagrin of my pseudo-fiance, Rods. Whenever my best friend calls, I get all giddy and run into the other room to talk to her. We even have an anniversary…I know, I know.
I also only get Wednesday off. What a BUMMER!
Oh and just to make you feel better, I once went to work without pants on.
28. jonniker | June 29th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Laurel: No pants? NO PANTS?
29. Suebob | June 29th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
I know someone who supervises public defenders for a Very Large County. One of his attorneys was advised by the judge that she ought to wear panties if she was going to appear in his courtroom in a miniskirt that rode up… Oh, yes, she did.
30. claire | June 29th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Jonna, that is just so cute, how could anyone not be flattered by something like that? Though, if she didn’t know you were married, it could totally be seen as a come on. I mean, a really strong come on. But, hey! She didn’t avoid you after that so it must have worked. Right? She didn’t avoid you, did she? Eech.
I’m really curious about Laurel and the ‘no pants at work’ thing. that must have been really awkward.
31. AndreAnna | June 29th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
P.S. You won an award on my site!
32. Cassidy | June 29th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
I love to tell people that I like them. I am doing it ALL the time. Who doesn’t like to hear that they are liked? I don’t care at all and I feel great about that.
POOP! AH! I would die! DIE!
33. Laurel | July 2nd, 2007 at 7:04 am
I blogged about it on Friday in case you guys want the full story..but yes. No pants. It was terribly traumatic when I realized.
34. Cum On Her Tits&hellip | September 14th, 2007 at 5:27 am
Cum On Her Tits
Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me
35. Naked Girls and Women&hellip | September 17th, 2007 at 9:50 am
Naked Girls and Women
Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed