Girls & Boys
July 4th, 2007
We had a very trying Fourth of July, as evidenced by the fact that at 8 p.m., I was still halfway in my pajamas with a glass of wine by my bedside. Yes, yes, we should have painted the garage, but we couldn’t, we just couldn’t bring ourselves to go out there in wild thunderstorms and sweat ourselves silly. I mean, I got half-dressed to go out and have nachos after some serious Point(TM) saving this week, and that was quite challenging enough, thank you. It shall wait until the weekend. (Pajamas are totally back on.)
That being said, it was a long night anyway, what with the flaming fireworks, and a certain small dog who is TERRIFIED of flaming fireworks. I swear her barks were asking me, in a small voice akin to Alby Grant, “Is this the end of days, Mama?” I said it before, but I hate fireworks. Hate.
Separately, in things I also hate, I had a cortisone shot in my foot on Tuesday, which made me feel very athlete-like and brawny (I am important enough to need steroids! Steroids!). Or, you know, like a whining Ashlee Simpson after screeching her way through the Orange Bowl (Anyone remember that? Anyone?) Now, I’ve had steroid shots before, but I’ve never had one hurt quite this badly before. The burning! The flames! THE BURNING FLAMES! After carping and promising that I was going to “either faint or throw up, I AM GOING TO FAINT OR THROW UP,” they tilted back my chair, where I proceeded to jam my fingers so tightly into my eyeballs that I actually temporarily blinded myself, and when the shot was over, I couldn’t see, which was embarrassing on so many levels.
Foot doctor: “Are you okay?”
Jonniker: “I can’t see! I can’t see you!”
And dude, I couldn’t. I could not see him for the life of me. But it was because I jammed my thumb directly into my eye socket and made my vision go blurry and askew. Smooth. Also, I honestly couldn’t walk for an entire day–I mean, sometimes shots make you sore, but this was…well, this was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Cortisone shots in the feet = painful. Very, very painful. But hopefully worth it.
Oh! OH! What I’ve really been dying to tell you is that I was at American Eagle the other day, and they have lots and lots of cute, comfortable underwear on sale, including the tanga, thongboy and plenty of boyshorts–you may want to drop by there, because they’re adorable, and oh lordy, they are cheap. They also have those really frightening boy-brief undies that resemble tightie-whities, with the flaphole and everything, and I just find them really upsetting, as they’re designed for a generation that is not mine. Honestly, I find it upsetting in general that teenage girls are buying lingerie, and nothing is more distressing than heading past a Victoria’s Secret and seeing a bunch of pre-pubescent girls wandering around the aisles pondering lacy demi-cup bras. I just…well, I feel very queasy about it, and I felt similarly in American Eagle, as nymphet after nymphet loaded sexy underwear into her arms and headed to the checkout. They are too young for sexy underwear. I wanted to take them all aside and explain that sexy underwear is for grown-ups, and some day, when they’re all grown up and really truly in love, they can find out what happens between two people who really dig each other, but for now, they should be in Jockey For Her, at best. I’m sure that would go over well. I’m also fairly certain that I was all over Victoria’s Secret in high school, and that my mother wanted to lock me up and put me in full-body plaid bras.
But I digress. While perusing the undies and picking up a few boyshorts, a boob popped out in my face. A boob! A pierced boob! People are undressing before me all OVER the place, and what am I supposed to do about it? Is this some kind of test? The worst part is that I could see that it was about to happen. I saw the tank top give way, saw the boob about to break free, and for one fleeting moment, considered screaming, “YOUR BOOB! YOUR BOOB!” but remembering the Starbucks incident, I stayed quiet. And then…there it was. An entire boob, with a pale blue barbell through it, just staring me in the face as its owner and I hovered over the size M thongboys. It almost brushed my NOSTRIL at one point, but I stayed calm, despite the fact that she remained oblivious to the exposed barbell, until finally, she giggled and said to no one in particular, “MY TIT!” and put it away.
Oh, to be so comfortable with exposing your boobs in public. But I guess, you know, you have it pierced, you WANT people to see it. Personally, I’ve never really wanted to share my nipples with the world, but who am I to judge? Mostly, I wanted to punch her for using the word “tit,” as it’s always reminded me of something very hard and immovable, like an underripe peach, whereas “boob” sounds soft, squishy and slightly friendly. A boob is a soft, smiling pillow of sorts, whereas a tit is very angry and unhappy. Women should not have tits. No one needs angry breasts.
And that’s all I’ve got! Happy Thursday! I know we’re all excited to go back to work after that one, pathetic Wednesday off, aren’t we? AREN’T WE?
*Blur
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
35 Comments Add your own
1. mar | July 4th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
that’s how i behaved most of the weekend after getting the 3rd gardasil/hpv shot on friday. we spent the weekend out of town and my arm was so stiff & sore.
also, i’m not particularly fond of sharing my nipples to anyone in particular.
yay for going back to work! or not so much.
2. Style Bard | July 4th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
Needs to be quoted everywhere:
A boob is a soft, smiling pillow of sorts, whereas a tit is very angry and unhappy.
3. Sueb0b | July 4th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
The temporary blindness thing sounds SO like something I would do. Sorry about the painful footies.
I am sitting here HATING fireworks right now. I am actually tempted to record this shit. It is an amazing amount of noise.
4. whoorl | July 4th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Over here at the Whoorl household, we find it very unfortunate that you publish posts in the evening due to the very loud laughter that erupts. The LAUGHING while the baby is SLEEPING.
You are hysterical, Miss Jonniker.
5. jen | July 4th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Yeah, young uns in the lingerie store is weird — and yet, I, too, remember purchasing some electric blue lace monstrosity in high school for, um, special occasions.
What makes me so mad is how much bras cost now! It’s ridiculous! I can’t believe teenagers can even afford Victoria’s Secret bras.
6. Maya | July 5th, 2007 at 1:16 am
I would like to say that I didn’t get into the Victorias Secret bits until post high school and b) it IS disturbing to see them bop through the aisles c) boob vs tit = boob wins every time.
7. AndreAnna | July 5th, 2007 at 5:15 am
Oh yes, I indeed prefer boob to tit as well. Boob is goofy, fun, and light-hearted, and tit is something a biker chick has with a heart tattoo on it.
Sorry bout your foot. I get cortisone injections in my spine often, so I know the flaming burn you speak of. Also, if you get really flushed/red/hot today, don’t freak out, it’s from the cortisone. Happens to me every. damn. time.
8. Leane | July 5th, 2007 at 5:35 am
I’m not sure they had Victoria’s Secret when I was in highschool..Did they? OMG that makes me feel so old. But am I the only one that had underwear with the days of the week on them (in highschool)? eek. I did not let boys see my underwear in highschool. Just college.
9. celebrate woo-woo | July 5th, 2007 at 5:43 am
The whole paragraph on boobs – not tits is priceless, and I heart you for it;>
10. p|b | July 5th, 2007 at 6:05 am
I had to stop reading the boob paragraph. I was crying from laughter…actually I was blinded by my laughter. Not the same as self induced thumb in eye syndrome. But, still, temporarily blinded.
And now I would like to propose, that all middle of the week holidays be moved to Fridays. This is bullshit. I could not be LESS motivated to do anything today. Ironically I did nothing yesterday either. But nothing at home is much better than nothing at work. This just blows. And there is no other way to express it.
11. Sadie | July 5th, 2007 at 6:29 am
I have totally inflicted blindness on myself before with the too-tight-covering/gouging-of-the-eyes, usually during really scary parts of movies. Which ups the scary factor about 1000% percent, as I am all, “ohmigod I can’t see!!!”
Again, I am forced to ponder, HOW DOES SOMEONE NOT KNOW WHEN THEIR BOOB IS FULLY EXPOSED?! Note I used “boob,” not “tit,” because I agree with your assessment that boob is the preferred word in terms of pleasant associations. While I don’t think of “tit” as angry, per se, it does seem awfully animalistic, like it’s too close to “teat,” which is only a quarter mile from “udder.”
12. Sadie | July 5th, 2007 at 6:31 am
oh, and P.S. Wednesday holidays suck it. This week is completely fucked thanks to a Wednesday holiday. Because Tuesday was like Friday, and today is like Monday, but tomorrow it will be Friday again. Gah!
13. jonniker | July 5th, 2007 at 6:57 am
Leane: I’m 31, and they definitely had Victoria’s Secret when I was in high school, and I don’t think you’re older than me. This is also back when they had the original Victoria perfume, which is among my very favorite scents in the world, and DAMN THEM for discontinuing it, although Cartier’s Le Baiser du Dragon is similar, not that anyone is thinking of it other than me.
Of course, back then, Victoria’s Secret was decidedly…lacy and Victorian, modeled after the actual Victorian era, so it was less overtly provocative. Now, it’s modeled after Adriana Lima’s thighs.
Also, Sadie: she wasn’t wearing a flipping BRA. A BRA. NO BRA. JESUS, how do you do that? It was a LOOSE tank top!
14. -R- | July 5th, 2007 at 7:58 am
Sorry you had such an awful day. My 4th was perfect, mostly because I had no expectations for the day, I got to play badminton, and I did not have to paint the garage floor.
15. jonniker | July 5th, 2007 at 8:00 am
R: It wasn’t awful at all! I was totally being sarcastic. We laid in bed and watched movies and read. It was heavenly. Sunny likely disagrees, what with the exploding bombs outside and all, but it was super relaxing, and we totally didn’t paint or do anything! Thumbs up!
More importantly, though: Happy birthday!
16. Andrea | July 5th, 2007 at 8:18 am
Yes, “tit” belongs to some pervy dude sitting in front of his computer googling something to get his blood moving. Boob is for toddlers to rest their weary heads against, for softening a woman’s figure, and for feminizing nice clothes. And they should be harnessed as such, no wearing loose tank tops without over the shoulder boulder holders.
Is it weird that the word “tit” makes me think of augmented boobs that, because of their supplementation, have become rock hard and perky to the point of being like small bowling balls with no cushion whatsoever? Tit is for porn stars and hookers who have to be harsh to be able to sleep at night (or day, considering their “job” is a night shift). Boob is for normal women.
I hope your foot is better.
17. Cassidy | July 5th, 2007 at 8:21 am
I hate, hate, hate the T word. Why do people use it? It makes me feel dirty. I like to call them boobs. But, my mother calls them breasts and I think that I might hate that even more. I feel like the only time breast should be used is when discussing chicken or cancer.
18. Amy | July 5th, 2007 at 8:21 am
My boobs are an A cup so I could wear a tank top without a bra but I always fear my nipples will be standing out so I wear one ALWAYS. I agree that there is no way in the world my boob could ever hang out without my knowing it. Can I ask a question? What is the point of the nipple piercing? OUCH!!! Doesn’t it get caught on clothing? WHAT IS THE POINT?
19. Jen W. | July 5th, 2007 at 8:29 am
AE has the best underwear- I totally agree!!
Why is it that things in around the foot hurt so much worse than other places? I had to get a shot in my big toe to numb it and that bastard HURT SO BAD. You know, until it was numb. I feel your pain.
20. Alexa | July 5th, 2007 at 8:36 am
Kids today! The whole Victoria’s Secret “Pink” line–which is so obviously marketed for teens–makes me uncomfortable. If I ever have a teenage daughter she will wear thick, muslin petticoats. Obviously.
21. Leane | July 5th, 2007 at 8:43 am
I hate the word breasts too. (Unless it’s chicken)..Boobs works.
Jonniker..I wish I were not older than you. I look younger than I am (have always looked younger–its in my genes) but alas.. I am a full decade older. (Covering my head in shame)
I received a ton of Victoria’s Secret stuff at my bridal shower years ago. It was nice but it kind of creeped me out having some relative buy me those things
22. ali | July 5th, 2007 at 9:41 am
this is why i love you….you can throw Alby Grant out there, just like that…
23. Jen from Boston | July 5th, 2007 at 10:37 am
the whole 2 mondays thing pisses me off.
But hey, tomorrow is Friday; boy, that was fast!
I work near a VS in a very touristy part of Boston (Fan. hall) and to see the BUSLOADS of preteens to early h.s.’ers in there makes me queasy too. For reasons you mentioned and aslo? who are they to be spending 44 bucks on a bra? Goddamnit, you should be wearing the cheapo KMart/Caldor-like specials I had to suck it up with at that age. Twelve year olds wearing expensive lingerie – and THINGS no less? Fools.
24. guinness girl | July 5th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Hi, long lost blogfriend! Sweet jeebus, it’s been forever since I checked in on you and I have missed you, funny girl. Boobs almost brushing your nostril? Ack!
I just wanted to say hi and I heart you.
25. Leane | July 5th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
today a complete stranger laid my boobs one at a time on a flat surface so she could squish them as flat as possible. What joy.
26. Jennifer | July 5th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Ah Leane, cover not your head in shame, for verily I am older still than thee!
I also didn’t have Vicki’s Secret when I was younger, but it wouldn’t have mattered because I did not then and still do not now have any boobs! I always get embarrassed going into lingerie stores because people look me up and down and can see no reason for me to even have a bra (and I don’t have one! not even one! I wear camisoles only!)
So when I go in to have a complete stranger put my boobs (if you can call them that) on an icy cold flat squashing surface, the stranger is usually pulling half my underarm in there too so there is *something* on the flat surface!
Hey Jonniker I sympathize with the cortisone shot. I had one in my wrist about 10 years ago and within 15 minutes my complete arm was in pain, and it stayed that was for a couple days. After that, though, the shot worked wonders so I hope yours helps you too.
I hate fireworks too, and after someone blew up my neighbor’s mailbox (what a KA-BOOM noise that made at midnight), this year I am definitely ready for the roadside stands to shut down and the fireworks to go away.
27. Danell | July 5th, 2007 at 6:38 pm
oh, man. i love reading your stuff…i love that on a regular basis i am just rolling around, snorting and guffawing, trying not to pee in my pants and trying not to wake up the sleeping toddler…
28. jen from boston | July 6th, 2007 at 4:15 am
btw, I meant to say “thongs” not “things” …preteens should not be wearing THONGS.
29. Aim | July 6th, 2007 at 6:34 am
I don’t mind “tit” so much. It seems smaller & perkier than “boob” to me. Possibly because I’m so flat-chested, I’ve always thought of mine as tits as opposed to boobs –having barely filled an A-cup for most of my life, “boob” seems a bit ponderous for my meager offerings.
Good googly-moogly, girlfriend, how big a shot are they loading you up with? I myself got the magic juice in my foot Thursday and while they certainly always make my eyes water, they only last about 10 seconds. This one especially was easy for me to take, though, because it was my LAST ONE — my plantar fascia release procedure is scheduled for the 20th and after that my foot will get better and I can send my podiatrist a note of thank you and fond farewell. I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait. You would not believe how excited I am about someone cutting a hole in the bottom of my foot — it’s sick.
30. Bobby | July 6th, 2007 at 9:26 am
Thy bossom hath ventured asunder.
31. Mauigirl52 | July 6th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
As usual you have my laughing…and thanks for linking to your Starbucks incident which somehow I had missed. Hysterical. I know what you mean though, when do you say something and when don’t you?
32. lydia | July 8th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Ohhh, thank you for this post… i was on the verge of tears over some things when I happened upon this and laughed very hard. Much needed, thank you. You DO seem to be attracting an unusual number of free-floating body parts lately… how weird!
I remember my first experience with VS. I was sixteen and shopping for a pushup bra that would match my emerald green satin prom gown. And I found just that. It was absolutely gorgeous that bra, and made my boobs look, well… transcendent. My poor boyfriend. But see, it wasn’t a casual, hey i need some panties shopping trip. It was an EVENT, for something SPECIAL, a MOMENT, dammit. It seems to me that teenage girls don’t have meaningful moments anymore, if that makes sense. Gah. I’m glad the 4th turned out ok for ya, in the end!
33. Jonniker. » On and &hellip | July 9th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
[...] I’m exhausted, and intended to go on about something more meaningful like, I don’t know, too-young teenagers in bikinis–oh, what the hell, I’ll go there for a second. Dude, tonight, I was at the gym, which is near the pool, and our little nymphet neighbor, who is no more than FOURTEEN, was toodling around in a zebra-striped itsy-bitsy bikini, and a) she looked super-hot; and b) every man/boy/whatever within 100 miles was ogling her, and I just wanted to cover her up like Johnny did to Paulette in that awful, terrible talent show scene at the end of Grease 2 (what?), and I guess I’m wondering, between this and the Victoria’s Secret rant, when did I get so old? And will I get over this? Am I being a prude by proxy? She’s FOURTEEN! Shouldn’t she be in a … muu muu, or at least a ONE PIECE? JESUS. [...]
34. breckgirl | July 10th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
I don’t know – I kind of like “tit” – especially when I can say it in front of my mother in law and get her to exhale loudly or roll her eyes. Even more awful than tit is “TEAT.” Makes me think of a huge fat sow pig. Sometimes, my boobs feel like teats, really. Anyway – know this is an old post but I wanted to see your VS rant. I can’t believe the whore clothing that young girls wear nowadays. I saw a girl at Taco John’s today (Montana’s Taco Bell equivalent – better, I might add) and I thought wow, she is really sexy. Then she turned around and I realized she was like TWELVE. My husband damn near choked on his Taco Bravo. If I have a daughter, she is wearing full body suits until she turns 25.
35. blue quinceanera dresses&hellip | April 22nd, 2010 at 11:12 am
blue quinceanera dresses…
wanting to look picture-perfect for her big day….
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