Paper Bag
July 11th, 2007
My feet are way bigger than they used to be. Am I alone here? I mean WAAY bigger. It’s so…well, it’s awful and freakish, is what it is, and I’m really and truly terrified that one day I’m going to wake up with my flipper-like feet dangling off the edge of the bed like a rubber chicken. To wit: three years ago, I was a size six-and-a-half. Yesterday, I bought a pair of running shoes in size eight. SIZE EIGHT. Granted, you generally need a half size up in running shoes, but still. STILL. And worse, I’m hearing that they grow again when you get pregnant, and God, I’m telling you, the clown feet are coming and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Also, I have officially become a Person Who Exercises–a person who is rather rabid about it, in fact–and nothing frightens me more, because really, am I going to turn into that chick on Work Out? (I love her, by the way. She’s totally obnoxious and self-aggrandizing, and all those awful, despicable things, but I’m strangely drawn to her, but not in that way, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.) I have become a little obsessed with the state of my arms, and am all but flexing them to anyone who walks by, because hi, have you met my tricep? I’ve never had one before, and boy howdy, I’d like to introduce you to it. Adam is decidedly not interested, as he’s concerned that I’m going to turn into a bodybuilder type who thinks it’s cool to open Brazil nuts with her armpits at parties, and it’s a valid concern, because if I could open nuts with my armpits, I totally would. Wouldn’t you? Much cooler than tying a cherry in a knot in your mouth, non?
Incidentally, and apropos of nothing, I was tooling around our local department store, and I was positively entranced by the seemingly never-ending collection of peignoir sets. Kate Chopin aside, I’ve always wanted to be the kind of person who wears peignoirs. Doesn’t it seem so strangely romantic, if horribly impractical? If I wore a peignoir, I have to believe my life would in some way be more glamorous, and also include late-night cheesecake festivals with my two best girlfriends, and maybe my mother, who would suddenly be Italian, and also named Sophia. Instead, I’m usually wearing the tank top I worked out in, and maybe a pair of pajama pants fished out from some unsavory bowel of the closet.
Also, incidentally, while wandering around the department store, I found myself in the handbag section. Have I ever mentioned that I love handbags? I love them, and it’s completely incongruous, given that I’ve announced on several occasions that I can’t dress myself and I hate shoes, but oh, I love an expensive handbag, and sadly, I always carry one, and it’s usually Kate Spade. I realize she had her day, when everyone had her classic nylon bags, but I’ve never moved on from her (though I no longer carry the nylon bags), and I still find them to be absolutely perfect under all circumstances. I buy a new one every season. Don’t hate me, because, if it’s not obvious, I am not the kind of person who judges others by their handbags, and again, I’m usually carrying these cute handbags with vagabond-like clothing. It’s my one vice.
This is important information before I launch off here, lest you think I come from a place that does not appreciate pricey handbags, because oh, I truly do. But Dooney & Bourke? Are they serious? I find them to be positively tacky and hideous and everything a handbag shouldn’t be, and further, I am strangely ENRAGED by Emma Roberts sponsoring her own line of bags, because, not to beat the teenage horse, but she’s SIXTEEN. And while I love expensive handbags, I can’t help but feel like I’ve sort of earned the right to have an expensive handbag, because Jesus, people, I’m THIRTY-ONE, and wow, look at all the money I’m saving on clothes and shoes! Emma Roberts’ peers? They’re SIXTEEN. Sixteen-year-olds should not be coveting $250 handbags, and I’m not even going to start on the nepotism, I’m just not.
(Speaking of clothes, Ann Taylor Loft is having a fabulous sale right now. Pants! I bought two pairs of adorable capris for $14! Hooray!) (I have to go to the mall a lot for my job. It’s not healthy. But I digress.)
I’m sorry. I really need to stop hating teenagers. I think it’s because school is out, and again, Jesus, they seem to be everywhere, like that godawful LOL cats trend (“I’m in ur pool…wearin’ a bikeeni”) (Have I mentioned how badly I want to find that site funny, but I can’t? I mean, it was funny once, but at this point, I am LOLcats’d out.)
Also, to end on a light note, while I was on a professional call (in my car, of all places, parked) yesterday, something–I do not know what–made a horrible noise that sounded exactly, and I mean EXACTLY, like a giant fart. I promise you, if I weren’t the owner of these buttcheeks, I would swear that I farted, but that kind of noise is something you can feel, of that I’m certain. So, what do you do? I was horrified and embarrassed, because seriously, I DID NOT FART, and yet I’m completely certain my phone mate not only heard it, but he now thinks I farted on the phone with him, and also have a gas problem. I mean, I could hear the iced coffee he was slurping, there is no way he didn’t hear the fart-like honk. And yet, to say something seems wrong (“It was my shoe!”) and calls attention to it, and also sounds needlessly defensive. Only a guilty farter would say such a thing, so I didn’t say anything at all, and just let the fart lay there, but oh, there was an awkward moment where I didn’t do or say anything–the kind of awkwardness that follows a real life phone fart, so it’s not good, not good at all. He thinks I farted, and I didn’t! I DID NOT FART.
*Fiona Apple or Anna Nalick. Of the two, I prefer the latter. Oh Fiona. How I’d like to break you in half.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
42 Comments Add your own
1. Leane | July 11th, 2007 at 7:53 pm
LOVE Anna Nalick. My feet were a size 7 forever. Till after motherhood..now more 7.5 but certain shoes I’ve bought in an 8. And it made me nauseous to have to buy a pair of shoes in an 8. Sigh. I am a purse lover and have a hidden stash because my husband thinks I have too many..and its easier to just hide them and then be all “Oh i’ve HADD that one forever..don’t you remember?”…Just be aware. I think you also start to fart more as you get older. (As if the feet thing weren’t bad enough..but I know you didn’t fart).
2. Angella | July 11th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
You crack me up. Good on you for “not” farting. (I believe you!) I probably WOULD have farted and then been even more awkward
3. Susan | July 11th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Sorry to be another to confirm the rumor, but my feet grew a full size when I was pregnant with my first. Thankfully they stayed the same with my second baby. I went from a size 10 to 11, imagine my horror if my feet had grown further and I’d had to start shopping from specialty shoe catalogs!
4. -R- | July 11th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
Personally, I would rather be able to crack open a walnut in my elbow than in my armpit. I will work on that and let you know how it goes.
5. metalia | July 11th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
This was my laugh of the day, or perhaps the week:
“If I wore a peignoir, I have to believe my life would in some way be more glamorous, and also include late-night cheesecake festivals with my two best girlfriends, and maybe my mother, who would suddenly be Italian, and also named Sophia.”
SO TRUE!
6. Sagebrushy | July 11th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
At least if you had farted you could have confidently thought to yourself, “Who the hell cares if I farted?! Everyone farts.” Oddly, NOT farting can make you feel more guilty about a non-existent gaseous emission.
Weird.
On the second night that A. and I slept together, I farted so loudly – and with such physical force that the vibrations of the damn fart WOKE ME UP OUT OF A DEAD SLEEP, that I started laughing hysterically at the never-ending graces of my dainty little self.
The laughing woke A. up, not the fart. Then I had to explain myself in my super-squeaky-laughing-too-damn-hard-to-breathe voice.
Then, after we both drifted back off to sleep, I FARTED AGAIN.
Charming.
7. TwoBusy | July 12th, 2007 at 3:38 am
Sorry, but the cherry stem wins. Hands down.
8. AndreAnna | July 12th, 2007 at 4:47 am
I love Anna Nalick – how about Regina Spektor? Love her too.
Anyway, if this makes your feet feel any better, I’m a size 11. Have been since I was 12. Take that, you size 8 ho! LOL. Luckily, as I’ve gotten older and I guess America is getting bigger, a lot of nice designers now carry this size – my favorite and most comfortable are Steve Madden. However, when I was in my teens, I was almost always relegated to Payless or some such horror (though I can find a pair of decent shoes there on occasion).
Now if this doesn’t make things worse, I married a ma with a size 15 shoe. When I got pregnant, I would have nightmares of my baby skiing out of my vagina. Luckily, so far, she seems to have normal sized baby feet. For now.
9. jonniker | July 12th, 2007 at 5:04 am
Heh. To be clear, it’s not that the size eight is freaking me out, it’s the two and a half size growth. At that rate, I will be HUGE within a matter of weeks.
10. Carol | July 12th, 2007 at 5:17 am
It’s only one and a half (you said you were a six and a half and bought an
So you’re probably only a 7, running shoes are ALWAYS a size bigger…which isn’t much at all. And – for the record – my feet never changed during either pregnancy. Hope that helps!!
So jealous on all the exercise…I could use a buddy to keep me motivated. I drag myself out 4-5 days a week, but I’m alone and it’s still hard.
11. jonniker | July 12th, 2007 at 5:20 am
HEH. Oh dear God, one and a half, two and a half…I can’t tell the difference. To say I am not a math genius is an understatement.
12. claire | July 12th, 2007 at 5:28 am
Yeah, my mother says that she went up a 1/2 size while pregnant with each of us. Sometimes i think that’s a good enough reason for me not to have a baby. I mean, i’m already a 9.5 – i think that’s big enough, dammit.
How can you not like lolcats? Is totally a guilty pleasure. Maybe i shouldn’t tell anyone that….
13. Jeanne | July 12th, 2007 at 5:49 am
One of the women I work with bought her 9-year-old daughter a D&B handbag! But oh, as a good parent, she set some boundaries and is making the girl (who’s 9!) save her own money to buy the $110 wallet herself, What the? Why on earth would a little girl (9 I tell you!) need a bag like that? Is she bringing it to school to impress her friends? At that age I barely had any money to put into a wallet! I’m guessing that the majority of the kids in her tiny midwestern school wouldn’t know what it was, and also wouldn’t care. It’s not like she’s going to school with Emma Roberts for God’s sake. Definitely something wrong here.
My feet strangely grew about a size when I was in my late 20′s. Then grew another 1/2 when I was pregnant. They did shrink back down a bit afterward, but I’m now an 8 1/2.
14. Gina | July 12th, 2007 at 6:31 am
Hi, delurking here! Love reading your blog. You crack me up!
I’ve been curious what you do for a living that let’s you dress so casual (the tank top/bra story) and now you “have to” go to the mall a lot? I must know!
15. Jamie | July 12th, 2007 at 6:34 am
TwoBusy is flat out wrong. If you could open a container of nuts with your armpits, I would FLY TO FLORIDA just to see the show.
And then I would put it on YouTube.
16. erica | July 12th, 2007 at 6:41 am
Just admit it, you totally farted.
ha!
17. Andrea | July 12th, 2007 at 7:21 am
I’m still laughing about Sagebrushy’s comment, because let’s face it, farts are funny, whether your car is emitting phantom ones in an effort to undermine you or they’re real during a dead sleep. And I am 12.
My shoe size went up from an 8 to 9 when I was pregnant with my first and then back down to an 8 1/2 after he was born. We’ll see this time. I’m happy at 8 1/2. Because if they get any bigger, they really will be clown feet on my 5’4″ body.
And I don’t know crap about handbags, but I saw a D&B cell phone case for $400 at the Sprint store a couple months ago. FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS! The sample phone it was protecting wasn’t worth that much!
18. Janssen | July 12th, 2007 at 7:22 am
I’m so pleased to hear you don’t enjoy the LOLcatz trend either. I think it’s completely lame.
And I would kill for a Kate Spade bag. I’d be happy to provide a loving home for any you no longer need/want.
19. p|b | July 12th, 2007 at 7:36 am
My dog chewed up my Kate Spade bag. This insanely cool bag that I could fit all sorts of things in. It was more of a tote than a hand bag. Is it wrong that I still carry it? That I walk around with a half chewed bright turquoise tote over my arm, proudly displaying the Kate Spade name? I think she would shutter at the thought. She’s so prim and proper. Have you ever been in her store? It makes me feel like a 10 year old at a tea party.
Way to go on the working out. I recently went to a party and wore a halter black dress and had a few too many martini’s then walked around flexing my muscles for the camera and all to see. I worked so hard I wanted to make sure everyone saw my bicep. And my god does it feel good to wear a tank top now.
20. Tessie | July 12th, 2007 at 7:38 am
Am I the only one whose feet did not grow during pregnancy? I demand an explanation for why feet would EVER grow during adulthood…I mean WTF?
21. Suebob | July 12th, 2007 at 8:21 am
The most annoying co-worker I have ever had was a a big Dooney and Bourke fan. She HAD to have that logo! At the time, my roommate was someone who had worked selling handbags at Nordstrom. She had all kinds of theories about who bought what. Her opinion of D&B buyers are usually tacky people who like to think they have class and are desperate to show off. She certainly had my co-worker pegged.
22. Laurel | July 12th, 2007 at 8:53 am
Ok…
1.) I know what you mean about triceps…I’ve never had any myself, but I do remember the day I discovered that I actually had collarbones. I stared at them in the mirror every morning for months. And I pushed them forward in pictures. And sometimes I grasp onto to them because I can’t believe they are mine.
2.) I once sat down in my chair at work and it made a distinctable whooshing fart noise JUST as our intern was walking by. We made eye contact and I wanted to blame the chair SO BADLY but I knew it would sound like a lame excuse so I buried myself in shame as if I actually had let one rip. I feel your pain.
23. sjb | July 12th, 2007 at 9:27 am
The shoe thing, it is bizarre. I wear an 8 1/2 in dress shoes pretty consistently (a 9 once in a great while) but in athletic/running shoes I typically need a 9 1/2 and have owned athletic shoes in sizes 9 1/2, 10, and even 11!! I figure dress shoe sizing is most accurate and that athletic shoes are just a strange, strange thing that vary a lot between manufacturers and styles.
24. mcgee | July 12th, 2007 at 10:23 am
i COMPLETELY agree with you on the dooney & bourke. ugh.
25. Beth | July 12th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Ah, phone farts. Not that you did that, of course.
I work from home, and my desk is right next to the bathroom. When my son was pottytraining, he decided to poop right as I was engrossed in a phone conversation with a corporate client. I have no doubt that the person on the other end of the line heard my son grunting, farting loudly and declaring, “Oh, YEAH! That feels GOOD!” Sooo professional. ;^)
26. kris | July 12th, 2007 at 10:56 am
I think the reason your feet grow when you have kids is so when you threaten to put your foot up their ass its more threatening
and if you spend more money than ever on shoes, its slightly more justified as in more shoe for the money!! ??
27. Gentry | July 12th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Have you learned nothing from me? A French silk satin nightgown and matching peignoir WILL instantly turn you into a glamorous, wanton seductrice who can say “I vant to be alone” and people will believe you.
My site opens in another week. You can buy them there. http://www.GentrydeParis.com
And you’ve hit on my secret shame: my feet are elongating, too. I used to be a wee 5.5. Then I accepted 6s on occasion. Dude, last week I bought size 7 flats. The horror.
When will vanity sizing start for shoes?
28. mar | July 12th, 2007 at 11:05 am
have to say that when i lost 40 lbs freshman year in college my feet shrank between a half size & a full size.
i’m slowly becoming a bit of a (lazy) exercise addict & i’m fascinated by jackie warner. i just wish i weren’t such a pansy about working my triceps. of course they’re gonna be weak if i hardly do anything to build them up (or keep them from turning into flapping bat wings.) vicious cycle.
love, love love that you used peignoir! who uses that word? fabulous!
my bf of 8 months farted last night while i was in the room with him. he looked at me, sheepish and apologized. i’m like, what for? it’s not like you dutch ovened me.
29. Maya | July 12th, 2007 at 11:45 am
Ahh a peignoir! How do I wish I had one…and a pair of maribou heels as well. I SO wish that my feet had ‘grown’ to size 8 instead of hovering between 7.5/8/8.5 all the time. I can only imagine how big they’d get if I got pregnant.
Farts are funny, D&B/overpriced/underquality handbags (not well-made ones) are ricockulous (as opposed to ridiculous) for teenagers, and last of all:
I wish I could be half as excited about excercise as you are. You and Whoorl are my current heros!
30. Cassidy | July 12th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Oh I am TOTALLY drawn to Jackie Warner in that EXACT same way! What is that all about? I am not a lesbian; I am not attracted to her in the least. But, the word “drawn” is totally accurate.
31. Style Bard | July 12th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Ugh, I am also SO done with LOLcats…
If I had triceps I would TOTALLY be a-flexin’ … work it and be proud! (But um, don’t turn into Jackie from Work Out… she’s great but no, thanks. Unless you will get a TV show.)
I . . . confess that I don’t really understand purses. I buy them infrequently and relatively cheaply, I loathe anything with a monogram or overtly branded, and I dream of one day finding and splurging on one magnificent purse and having it last me the rest of my life so I never have to purse-shop again.
And if you WERE pregnant and DID become a massive size 9 you’d just be… my size. Fear not, there are always tons and tons of size 9s in stock unless we’re talking a bi-annual at Nordstrom in which case EVERYTHING is a 6. So shush.
32. Judith in NYC | July 12th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
If it’s any consolation about the feet size, they go back in size as you age, at least in my case. I used to be a size 6, then got pregnant and went up to 7, then aged some and went up to 8. Now I am almost 58 and back to size 7. My butt and belly–that’s another story!
33. Mauigirl52 | July 12th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
I was a size 6 shoe when I was 18 and am now a 7. Gaining about 35 lbs. probably had something to do with it. (Which is probably the same reason pregnancy has the same effect on shoe size).
LOL about the phone fart story. When I work at home my biggest problem is the dog immediately gets jealous when I’m on the phone and starts barking. Loudly and incessantly. I always have to apologize and try to shut her up or let her out or do anything to distract her so I can finish my no-longer-professional-seeming phone call.
34. karamarie | July 12th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
I think my feet are getting smaller. I was a six and a half, and then a six, and then a five, and lately I’ve been buying shoes in the kid sections.
I don’t know what this means.
35. karamarie | July 12th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
And, I was reading the other comments, and Sagebrush! I DID THE SAME THING THE FIRST NIGHT. Woke myself up from a dead sleep by ripping a huge one, and J had been lying awake watching me.
I’m so happy this happens to other people.
36. Jen | July 13th, 2007 at 8:09 am
I WISH my feet would grow!! I am a 5.5. They didn’t grow during my last pregnancy and haven’t yet this time around. Do you know how HARD it is to find a 5.5? Everything starts at a 6 and when you do find a 5.5 they are old lady shoes.
37. winterwheat | July 13th, 2007 at 9:49 am
Oh honey, funnyfunnyfunny as usual. You are so talented.
A few things:
1. I threw my back out on a mission to impress people by doing full-body push-ups (not the girly ones from the knees). Your ambition to crack brazil nuts could backfire. Consider yourself warned.
2. Can’t explain the feet, especially since you’ve lost weight. That’s just weird (unless you’re pregnant of course — relaxin is a wacky hormone).
3. Sixteen-year-olds with multi-hundred-dollar handbags: barf.
4. The fart noise: The day I met my college boyfriend’s mother, the family’s giant standard poodle had crept behind her chair during her conversation and let a SBD fart that slammed into me like a 10-ton theater curtain of dogfart stink. BF’s mom didn’t know the dog was in the room, but I know she smelled it, and since from her perspective we were the only two living things in there, she would be forced to conclude that the offending ass was mine. Had I known her better I’d have said, “Zoe!!” (the dog’s name), but I just sat there, silent (and, from BF’s mom’s perspective, deadly).
38. winterwheat | July 13th, 2007 at 9:52 am
p.s. “her conversation?” I need to edit before hitting SUBMIT.
Anyway, the point of the dog fart story was to say you’re not alone. And you never know what it sounded like over the phone. I’m hoping for your sake that it was really distorted.
39. Trina | July 13th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Peignoirs scare me – wearing one is like *asking* a murderer to come to your house and attack you, then chase you outside and down the street or into the woods.
And how can you not like LOLcats?!? I swear, every one of them cracks me up, and I force poor Chris to look at them all. I force him to look at cute overload too. Now that I think about it, a large portion of our evenings together consists of me pushing out the coffee table (so my laptop is in his field of view) and screeching, “Look! How cute/funny/gross is that?!?”
Poor man.
40. Heather B. | July 14th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Watch it there, missy! I wear a size 11. SIZE 11. Sometimes I contemplate foot surgery or something, alas there is nothing that can be done. If I get pregnant, it will be a very sad situation for my feet.
Also, LOATHE Dooney and Burke. The disdain I have towards that company is tremendous. Ugh.
But seriously, yo, imagine having feet so big that every time you see a pair of shoes actually in your size, you feel compelled to purchase them. Because you might never find shoes that fit again. It’s a sad, sad situation.
41. Aim | July 15th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Your feet get bigger because your arches fall as you get older. I had a very beautiful, high-arched size 8 foot as a teenager which has morphed into a size 9 in my 40s. Arch falls, foot elongates. Physics. (Or maybe geometry. No, I think physics.)
I like a good handbag, but Kate Spade?? How…cute.
Who is Emma Roberts?
42. Leah | July 18th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Holy hell, Jonna. I am dying with laughter here. I tried to suppress it, cover my hand with my mouth, but now I’m just sitting here at my desk cracking the hell up and everyone thinks I’ve finally lost it. Have I told you lately that I love you?
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