In This Skin

Look at me, all typey typey on a flashy new laptop! With VISTA! Vista, the bane of my existence, that I have no idea how to use. Oh Vista. We are not friends yet. But hello! HELLO! HELLO VISTA! I really dislike you, but gee, you are very pretty, even if you do exactly what the PC in the Mac commercial does, and scream at me every time I want to do anything at all, including open the calculator, because a calculator is SCARY, and you need my permission before you’ll add and subtract, because all that math could be dangerous.

Incidentally, Sunny ate the power cord to my other computer — the back up Dell that hard-boiled my eggs — which was the last straw in the technological meltdown that hit up Casa Jonniker, and also happened to occur on a freelance deadline, Jesus, that was sucky, and is also the reason I’ve been everywhere but here. But lo, Alert Reader Susan was quite helpful in the procurement of a shiny new TiVo for a third the cost of a new one! Turns out a little complaining is a good thing. Well, in certain contexts. I’ve beaten the complaining to a bloody pulp, so off we go! Let’s talk about lightning!

I’ve mentioned my fear of lightning before, but did I ever mention my EXTREME, RIDICULOUS fear of lightning? The fear that actually makes me hold my bladder the entire time a thunderstorm is going on outside? Yes, because you see, I actually believe that if lightning strikes the ground anywhere near us (and it does all the time, oh my God, this is the land of lightning, for God’s sake), that the electrical current is going to whip up the water pipes into the toilet, then travel up the stream of my pee and fry my girly bits. It could totally happen, I really believe this, and honestly, there isn’t much anyone can do to convince me otherwise. I will not go to the bathroom during a thunderstorm, no matter how badly I have to go. I’ll pee in a jar first, though thankfully that’s never happened.

Speaking of fried girly bits, as part of my ongoing plantar fasciitis treatment (please kill me now), I’ve got to smear Biofreeze (a very strong menthol-type rub that … well, it freezes and cools. Or something.) on the bottom of my foot twice a day, and while I feel absolutely no effect on the bottom of my very calloused foot, that stuff is potent and, as I’ve discovered, has aftereffects that last through several handwashings. Thus far, I’ve Biofrozen my earlobe, eye and–my personal favorite–my nether regions, thank you Moon Cup! Three handwashings, and a small exploration mission left me aflame, err, afreeze, for longer than I’d like to remember. (The prereq for the Moon Cup may also explain The Crazy of earlier in the week, and I hate admitting that, especially to Adam. It’s like I’ve lost some sort of feminist battle. The PMS-deniers will never let me into their ranks.)

Speaking of Moon Cup, one of the strangest things about writing here, and the infamous Moon Cup incident, is that strangers often e-mail me their difficulties using the cup. I don’t get much unsolicited mail, honest, but about this one issue, I am often inundated. This is problematic for one reason only: I’ve never had a single problem using the Moon Cup, and it worked for me right away, so I don’t know how to help them! And I want to! But I had no spelunking, no leaking (well, that one time, but that was totally not its fault), no messes. The whole “learning curve” thing that everyone insisted I would have? I never had it. Umbrella-like snap and go, and off I went into the land of menstruation without fear of leakage. Yes, yes, there was that time I almost yanked out my cervix because I forgot to break the seal, but that was easy to fix. (Break the seal, yo. Not worth it otherwise.)

So I ask you, gentle readers, as many of you have either been longtime users, or bought one since the incident, what, if any problems have you had, and how did you overcome them? Because I want to help people troubleshoot, and I just can’t. If you don’t want to tell me here (again with the menstruation, first mittelschmerz, now this oh my God, I may never move on), you can e-mail me at jonna at jonniker dot com or jonniker at gmail dot com — they both go the same place, as does that little contact form at the top.

Have a great weekend! Happy Friday! Wooo!

*Jessica Simpson. I don’t know why I’m admitting this, but back when Newlyweds came out, I was horribly addicted, and even developed a bit of an affection for Jessica Simpson that has since passed, thank God (I tend to do this, you see. Anyone remember Ryan Star? Ahem). And, in a fit of sympathy during season one, I picked up her CD In This Skin at Target for something like five bucks, because I actually felt sorry for her, because man, she was so dumb AND her CD was on clearance! The horror! It’s … well, it’s truly terrible, as you would expect. Oh Britney. You are missed.

33 comments July 19th, 2007