The Scoop
July 22nd, 2007
It’s time for another exciting installment of weekend events! What will it be this weekend? Laundry? Vacuuming? Closet-cleaning? Answer: All of the above! We’re preparing to put our house on the market, for a variety of reasons I won’t go into here, and as anyone will tell you, it’s not a pleasant process, as weekend after weekend is spent walking through your house the way you would if you were buying it, and really, wouldn’t YOU insist that the scuff mark in the laundry room be painted over? And God, what IS that stain on the carpet, anyway? Do these people live like pigs?
Anyway, who cares, because God, the last thing the world needs is another blog post about the woes of selling one’s house in a down market, because everyone else has done it better than I ever could, but suffice it to say: it blows. Bigtime.
Oddly, real estate is one of the areas that brings forth the most amount of unsolicited advice of anything I’ve ever dealt with. It’s boggling, really, the amount of advice I’m given on a daily basis, and if I followed all of it, I would not be living anywhere, but in fact, would have snapped in about twelve bofrillion pieces from the strain of being pulled in too many different directions. And not – NOT – that I’m asking for any advice, oh my God, but the truth is that I don’t actually mind unsolicited advice. I mean, yes, it can be frustrating when the advice-givers are overly insistent, like you will follow their way OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE, OH MY GOD THAT IS SO NOT THE WAY YOU DO IT, but mostly, it’s benign. And no, I don’t follow most of it, but I’m usually not offended by it.
The way I see it is that people care enough to tell you what they think, based on their own experience, and they want you to save you the trouble of their mistakes. That really is it, most of the time, never mind that there are many solutions to one problem, and what works for one doesn’t work for all, and um, YES, sometimes we need to make our own mistakes, but they mean well, really they do. And really, as the second-youngest of seven kids with two sets of parents, parents’ friends, friends’ parents, etc. etc., you could say that my life has been defined by unsolicited advice, Jesus.
All this being said, if my hairdresser gives me one more piece of advice, it’s possible that I may drown him in a vat of Goldwell haircolor, because he has a response for EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I SAY. He noticed I lost weight, yay! Except, he follows it up with a comment that gee, while I may be exercising more and therefore probably eating more, I shouldn’t stop exercising AND keep eating more (Oh my God really? So what you’re saying is…I need to eat less, move more? How revolutionary!). And was that a pack of Combos in my hand? Because I’d be better off with some protein to build muscle. Oh oh oh, and while all of my pants might be too big, wasn’t I thinking of getting pregnant soon? [Ed note: um, not that it's any of your business, but thanks for the family planning advice, Squiggo!] Because why waste the money if I’m just to “let myself go?” Give IN to the maternity clothes, ASAP! (He’s also my mother-in-law’s hairdresser. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s being influenced. Just a guess.)
All of that was in the first five minutes of my foils, Jesus, and by the end, I’d been handed enough advice to write an entire self-help book of The World According to Squiggy, and poking my eyes out with alligator clips was something I was very seriously considering. And it turns out, even I have limits on unsolicited advice.
Also, lately, I’ve had the burning desire to attend a potluck. It’s not that I want to hover over scorching-hot plastic picnic tables full of someone else’s food that probably has the saliva of a thousand people who may or may not be related, it’s that I need to make food for more than two people. Cooking for two sucks the big one, really it does, because a three-pound pot roast, though delicious on night one, really loses all of its appeal by the fourth consecutive meal, and by the eighth, we’re both ready to hang ourselves over the dead, moldy pot roast that threatens to take over our entire lives.
But the thing is … have y’all seen The Pioneer Woman Cooks? Have you SEEN her peach crisp? HAVE YOU SEEN IT? Chocolate & Zucchini? The Smitten Kitchen? I don’t even know what clafoutis is, but I know I must have some. Hell, even Top Chef is sending me into another dimension of food lust, although personal note to Padma: I still don’t like you. Please pack your knives and go, for the frillionth time.
It’s all so unreasonable for us, it breaks my heart. Oh yes, please, let’s make a Fourth of July cake fit to serve forty people. We’d be bloody hospitalized, because no no, actually, we can’t let these things go to waste. The last time I made a batch of cupcakes, I gained ten pounds (Oh, how I wish that were hyperbole. No exaggeration? I think it was my downfall. I think I single-handedly ate fourteen cupcakes over the course of three days. FOURTEEN. CUPCAKES. THREE. DAYS.)
I’m considering joining a church, just so someone will invite me to a damn potluck, and I can finally make something that serves more than two damn people — four, if we’re really burning for leftovers.
And with that, I’m off to read more Harry Potter. Say what you will, but I really had a great time reading all of them, and of many things I’ve ever read/done, they really make me wish I had a kid to share them with. Ah, someday (NOT TOMORROW SQUIGGY). And look, I understand that they are completely simplistic to some, and many people think they’re cool because they eschew all things Potter (I find that irritating, because really? Disliking something does not make you cool). Whatever, I say! Whatever! It was an absolutely bizarre phenomenon, and while I’m not pretending they’re great literature, nor is it the only thing I read (I know what good, real-live books are, I swear, as do most adults who read Harry Potter, I imagine), but they are an intense guilty pleasure, and I’m sad to see it all end. Just please, I’m only on page 120, so don’t tell me anything yet. We can discuss … well, I don’t know when, as I’d hate to spoil it for anyone.
Happy Monday! Four days and counting until she arrives! AIEEEE!
*Beastie Boys
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. whoorl | July 22nd, 2007 at 7:08 pm
I’m reading Book 5 right now. Obviously, I’m very behind. Do you think it’s possible to keep Book 7′s outcome from finding its way into my ears/eyes? (With all of the internet surfing I do? Yeah, right.) Oh well, I am going to try.
2. Sueb0b | July 22nd, 2007 at 9:00 pm
Damn, you discovered my secret:I joined a church just so I could be in charge of hospitality once a month and get to hear people rave over my lemon-yogurt muffins. I figure that they can see God in the muffin.
3. AndreAnna | July 23rd, 2007 at 4:16 am
Yes, why is it people who don’t like the Potter series have to do it with such vehemence? I mean, I get it, you don’t like it, but why be angry over it dude? Here, have some firewhiskey.
4. Jamie | July 23rd, 2007 at 4:37 am
No unsolicited advice here – but best of luck with the house! Keep us updated.
5. Jeanne | July 23rd, 2007 at 5:26 am
My own husband dislikes anything Harry Potter related. The books didn’t start coming out until after we were married, otherwise I would have had to retink his suitability as a life partner… I’m a little over half way into the Deathly Hallows and I’m soooo sad that it will be ending soon. When I finish the book I’m required to pass it on to my 65 year old parents who love Harry Potter as well.
Good luck with the house! I often look around ours and think that we’ll need to rent a storage space to move 3/4 of our stuff out in order to allow any sane person to even consider buying it.
6. p|b | July 23rd, 2007 at 6:07 am
Just a question – which is more? “bofrillion ” or “frillionth”
7. TwoBusy | July 23rd, 2007 at 6:16 am
Book 7 was waiting on my desk when I came in this morning. So… work, or reading? Work, or reading?
Is this a fire-able offense?
8. Sadie | July 23rd, 2007 at 6:16 am
Since you like unsolicited advice so much, and I can relate to your desire to cook for a crowd, here is my tip: have more parties. That, and bring your leftovers to others. I normally only cook for two as well, but when I see a recipe I really want to try, I either invite some people over and tell them they are my guinea pigs, or I bring half the finished product over to my mom’s or a friend’s. I tell invited guests that if the dish is no good we can just drink our faces off and order pizza. Luckily it’s never come to that.
It’s a good thing Squiggy does wonders with your hair, because it seems he has no other redeeming qualities AT ALL.
9. -r- | July 23rd, 2007 at 6:20 am
You live close enough to your mother-in-law that you share a hairdresser? I did not realize this! Do you think he tells her the same penis-related stories he tells you?
10. Lawyerish | July 23rd, 2007 at 6:58 am
I’m with AndreAnna. If you don’t like it, don’t buy it! I don’t see what the purpose is of declaring your hatred to all.
I don’t even feel guilty for liking the series; it’s all pleasure over here. I was reluctant to read it initially because I thought, how good can it be? But DUDE. It’s THAT GOOD. It’s good enough prose — a bofrillion times better than anything Dan effing Brown ever wrote, by the way — and the plots are simply gripping. GRIPPING. Good character development, twists that aren’t gratuitous, stories that don’t insult the reader’s intelligence. Yay.
11. Christine | July 23rd, 2007 at 7:52 am
Best luck with the selling and buying of houses. God, I’m sure it sucks, but I’m hoping it will all be worth it.
Especially since you’ve decided to move to Philadelphia? Right? Please? C’mon, everything is great here!
Also, whoa on the new food blog, I’ve never seen The Pioneer Woman and I can already tell we’re going to be fast friends. I have a soft spot in my heart for the food blogs, especially Smitten Kitchen. LOVE Deb and I have a food blog crush, it’s true.
12. Mauigirl52 | July 23rd, 2007 at 8:03 am
Love Harry Potter. To me the books remind me a lot of Dickens, with the great names she comes up with that are so evocative of the personalities and demeanor of their owners. Maybe it’s not “great” literature but it’s a heck of a lot better than most books nowadays – at least she has a good vocabulary and uses it. I just got my Book #7 on Saturday and am just barely starting it so am looking forward to a good long read.
Instead of joining a church, why not instigate a block party for the whole neighborhood? We have one every year (started by another neighbor who has since moved away so I kind of initiate it now). We all bring a dish to share, just as you are yearning to do, and it’s a lot of fun. And you don’t have to become religious to attend.
13. Andrea | July 23rd, 2007 at 8:22 am
I hated Harry Potter at first. I worked in a book wholesale warehouse and the hubub over the first two books was enough to set the retail and education departments fighting over the books to fulfill orders. The publishers were only sending us half what we ordered so they could keep up with demand and we had a lot of angry customers. I blamed Harry. I was wrong. Wrong. Wrong! One afternoon, I decided to see what the fuss was about, so I went out to the stacks and found the first book, which by then had been out long enough that we could actually keep stock on hand. I meant to read the first page just to see why people were clamoring over it. Before I knew it, I was nearly through the first chapter. The story sucked me in and I’ve been a Potter fan ever since. I don’t even feel guilt over it.
I’m only on page 47 right now, because we weren’t home this weekend and I only started it last night. Plus, I’m trying to savor. This will be the last Harry Potter story I read where I don’t know the end. I’m sad it’s almost over. But DAMN I love these books! The best part? I get to share them with Gabe when his attention span is long enough to sit for a book without pictures. I get to rediscover Harry through his eyes. And then again with Baby 2.
Also, in a weird set of circumstances, we’re putting our house on the market as well. I wish you luck and less assvice from Squiggy. Really, there has to be someone more normal in your area that is just as magical with the hair. There HAS TO BE!
14. Swistle | July 23rd, 2007 at 8:55 am
Here is the thing about changing houses. Either it’s a seller’s market, in which case you have a great experience selling your house and a crappy experience buying a new one, or else it’s a buyer’s market, in which case you have a rotten experience selling your house and a great experience buying a new one. Changing houses is always at least half crappy.
15. hello insomnia | July 23rd, 2007 at 9:00 am
Good luck with the real estate venture. It was exhausting for us but luckily, it didn’t take us long to buy our new place.
I wish I could join a church in which everyone drank. Instead of potlucks full of casseroles, there’d be cocktails for everyone!
16. Kristin | July 23rd, 2007 at 10:24 am
I can see how people would tire of the harrypotterHarryPotter HARRYPOTTER mania, but this is not the fault of Harry or JK Rowling. Harry himself? Love him! Not so much that I need to go to my local grocery store dressed up as a student of Hogwarts to get my book at midnight, but I was awfully pleased when Amazon delivered on Saturday (despite the fact that I did not, as they urged me to, go ahead and pay for shipping to ensure it arrived on Saturday).
LOVE Harry Potter. The mania, not so much.
17. Leah | July 23rd, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Here’s what I have to say about the Harry Potter books: they’re formula, but formula done WELL. That is a feat unto itself, and people who deny that are haters. Now, go enjoy yourself.
18. Style Bard | July 23rd, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Please, please don’t hate me. I like all of you very much. But I read the first HP book, I studied the phenomena in college, I’ve seen all the movies (younger sibling, cousins, etc) and I? don’t like them. I don’t like them. I would have LOVED them when I was younger, but I read so many great books, so frequently, (and I did as a child, and they just get no attention whatsoever), and I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I don’t get it. I don’t know. I’m sorry. All the hype and the HP fans freak me OUT because I don’t see what’s so good. Maybe one day I’ll read them. Maybe I’ll even like them. But I don’t like them in particular, and the hype and the OMGYOUDON’TREAD?? AND YOU WERE AN ENGLISH MAJOR??? turns my apathy to hatred. I’m not trying to be cool, though it’s interesting to taunt hardcore fans with my disinterest. But you really push your adoration on me waaaaay harder than I flaunt my dislike at you, so: dislike. Sorry!
19. jonniker | July 23rd, 2007 at 6:06 pm
SB: No no, that’s exactly my point. Most normal HP fans don’t foist ourselves upon others and look down on you because you don’t read it. Most of us don’t care! Honest! It’s when people are deliberately bucking the system just to be contrarian, like they are so far ABOVE Harry Potter, because it’s a CHILDREN’S book, and my God, they just don’t GET IT, because aren’t we all SMARTER THAN THAT? Because they are. Smarter than that, I mean, and how lovely of them to tell us?
So no, the “you” you’re referring to isn’t me – or most of us – honest.
That gets me. Also, the assumption that all of us who read it are out to convert everyone, and also, waited in line at midnight at Barnes & Noble. We totally didn’t. I bought my book with very little fanfare (no hat, no streamers!).
20. Style Bard | July 24th, 2007 at 9:27 am
Hahaha… well. Regarding AndreAnna, ‘why must they hate with such vehemence’ it’s generally because we’re met with such vehement like. I’ve been told 5 times this week HOW AMAZING AND WONDERFUL the last book was and these people? already know I don’t read them, although am open to in the future if I’m in the mood for the genre. But they just have to tell me. Mostly they NEED to, because I don’t read them and that, you know, concerns them. And I am so frequently met by people who talk about how they’re “readers” and oh, what have they read that’s good lately, because I am looking for something good? They are catching up on or re-reading HP, of course. And then: WHAT? *I* don’t read them? I don’t want to participate in 45 minutes of discussing why the books are so amazing and groundbreaking and touching? AND I CALL *MYSELF* A “READER”? I mean.. I just… it’s really hard out here on the other side, guys. Have some compassion for the haters!
But no, y’all aren’t foisters, that’s why I actually feel comfortable posting here. Mostly I am a hardcore lurker.
Additionally: I am trying just to move out of my apartment and into a new one and that is hellish enough, I can’t imagine how real estate gets when you’re buying and selling. Best of luck, really! Are you staying in FL?
21. New and Used Book Reviews&hellip | November 25th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
New and Used Book Reviews
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting
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