Sunday Girl
July 23rd, 2007
I had french toast and bacon for lunch today, and honestly, it was one of the best things in the world I could have done. Yes, yes, I know that no one cares what I had for lunch, but that french toast took me to a different plane of existence, it was so good, oh my God, and I’m only telling you this, because sometimes, it turns out, when you crave something — when you really, really crave something, oh my God — you should just have it. Please do as I say and not as I did, and do not try to fill the void with fat-free Jello pudding, because it totally won’t work, and will just piss you off.
I’ve mentioned this a thousand times, but I am such a sucker for a good description. Oh, the cinnamon is imported, you say? That must be special! The vanilla is from Madagascar? AWESOME. Wait wait – you’re telling me that this is DAIRY-FRESH cream? Sold. Totally sold. Give me the toast.
(Random aside: I actually do know the difference between vanillas, but most vanilla comes from Madagascar, so no, it’s not that special. Tahitian is used in perfumery, and Mexican vanilla is also a slightly different ballgame, but not as common due to a dangerous additive, and are you asleep yet? Because I can go on about vanilla for no good reason.)
Anyway, you can see how I ended up hunched over my desk, shoveling in french toast and bacon, and oh my God, I buttered every slice before I put syrup on it, and I could have WEPT, it was so good. Except for some reason, I’m really self-conscious eating things like that at the office, like I should be subsisting on lettuce and maybe some watercress, if I’m feeling really saucy, because buttering and syruping shouldn’t be done at lunchtime. That is MORNING food, appropriate only for Sundays if you’ve saved your Points (TM). (I totally did, in fact.) I realize this is a horribly anti-feminist notion, because a man would never feel this way, no, my God, he would just EAT the whole thing and not worry about it, but instead, I was all surreptitious about it, buttering and shoveling and and buttering and shoveling, then looking around like I was about to be busted with crystal meth instead of creamy, egg-dipped sourdough.
And Jesus, I totally went on far too long about what I had for lunch, and I’m really, really sorry, it’s just that the memory of it lingers, and I wish I was back there, lurking around my cubicle and buttering my toast, which sounds like a dirty euphemism for something, but in fact, it is not. I’m disappointed, because “butters my toast” sounds like something positive and maybe kind of hot.
In other news, I’m going to go ahead and admit this, in the event that it will cleanse me of my sin: I left a note on a car on Friday, informing the car owner that his choice of parking for his fancy car (smack-dab between two spots, totally on purpose) was, in fact, a “dick move,” only to discover that the owner of said car is actually a someone I know quite well, which, um, oops. Had I known, I wouldn’t have left the note, obviously, and upon discovery of this information, I ran out to my car because I “forgot something” and removed the note, thank Jesus, before it was spotted, but not before I ranted and raved to everyone I saw about the offense, which is how I made the discovery of the car’s owner.
Bad parking jobs do not, in fact, butter my toast, but they do grate my cheese, and though I am loathe to write passive aggressive notes under most circumstances, you must trust me that this was particularly egregious and all too common, and was pretty much the BAJILLIONTH car parked in such a manner, and I just wasn’t having it, I guess.
(I’ll stop, I promise, it’s just that it’s new to me, the buttering and the grating. And maybe the sauteeing.)
Finally, I have never won millions of dollars in the lottery. I have also never been handed wads of cash just for standing somewhere and looking pretty. Also! Also! I have never, not once, been offered a high-paying writing job (maybe a novel!) for no other reason than I have short hair. Why am I telling you this? Because it seems like every time I make some sweeping declaration about the Moon Cup, about a problem I’ve “never” had, I am mysteriously plagued with that problem, and I’d really like it to be something good instead, like maybe money, fortune and well-protected fame. For example, I’ve had leakage. Miserable, awful leakage these last few days, and I promise, I’ve done nothing different. I did, however, learn some valuable lessons, in addition to many e-mails thanks to last week’s post, that may help, and I’m debating: do you really want me to go into it here, or would you rather e-mail me? Hint: it involves, um, clotting, and no one really needs to see that unless they ask for it, oh my God.
(Although secretly, I am so not squeamish about this stuff, but some people are, and really, I can’t say that I blame them. Also, I tried The Keeper, and no no no no no no no NO. Don’t do it. DO NOT DO IT. Stick with the silicone, please. I don’t even want to tell you why.)
Happy Tuesday! Hooray!
*Erasure.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
26 Comments Add your own
1. Swistle | July 23rd, 2007 at 8:33 pm
Will you think less of me if I say I could have sustained interest in the vanilla topic?
I love “buttering and shoveling and buttering and shoveling.” The right writer makes lunch interesting; the wrong writer can’t even make lunch with Angelina Jolie interesting. (Do I have to come out and say I consider you a “right writer,” or is the implication already there because of the professed love of the “buttering and shoveling” phrase?)
If you DON’T tell the Moon Cup stories on your blog, which is what I vote for, put me on the list of people to email them to!
2. Amanda | July 23rd, 2007 at 9:21 pm
I followed you, drooling all the way, through your brilliant lunch description. It was beautiful and I look forward to when I am at my goal weight and can butter my toast (you’re right, it sounds naughty) again.
3. Artemisia, formerly known as Sagebrushy | July 23rd, 2007 at 10:16 pm
I agree wholeheartedly with Swistle. My favorite lines:
“Bad parking jobs do not, in fact, butter my toast, but they do grate my cheese,…”
Brilliant!
and
“(I’ll stop, I promise, it’s just that it’s new to me, the buttering and the grating. And maybe the sauteeing.)”
Oh, I so admire great writing! And tasty breakfast dishes.
For the record, I never mind girlie topics, like the Moon Cup. I am trying to get up the nerve to try it, but I am terrified I’ll forget to break the seal and yank out my IUD. Dear God.
4. Kara | July 24th, 2007 at 12:10 am
I’m all for moon cup discussion on here. It was what brought me and several others to you in the first place. Not that I actually need one, my IUD has stopped the flow pretty well all by itself. It just seems to be a fascinating topic that everyone joins in with lively discussions. so please discuss away.
As for yummy breakfast foods for lunch, that is my favorite or even for dinner. I despise breakfast foods for actual morning meals. Butter and syrup in the middle of the day….YUM!
5. Blythe | July 24th, 2007 at 2:37 am
Why do salads and, on a Friday, sandwiches (with sprouts and avocado) seem like the only appropriate desk dining choices? I am never, ever embarrassed to eat a cheeseburger and fries in front of any-old-body, except at my desk at work. Lean Cuisine also seems like an exception. It’s OK to have duck breast en croute as long as it was frozen in cardboard first, I guess.
Also, I need to get a job where I can get French toast and bacon nearby. Because the more I read your mouthwatering description, the more I am DYING to eat some.
6. AndreAnna | July 24th, 2007 at 5:15 am
If you can’t talk about clotting on your blog, where can you talk about it, really?
And I was with you each buttery bite.
One winter day, some assclown parked so close to my car, I had to crawl in through the passenger door. I was so pissed, I opened a new pack of gum, put every piece in my mouth, chewed it just enough so that it was slobbery and wonderful, and then spread it out on his windshield, and drove away, thinking of the frozen mess he would come out to. That’ll teach him. I would never do anything violent or destructive, Just really, really annoying.
7. Mauigirl52 | July 24th, 2007 at 5:46 am
Mmmmm, French toast (drooling, a la Homer Simpson). Love the description and from now on I’m going to be saying things like “Wow, he really butters my toast!” and “Darn it, she’s so annoying! She really grates my cheese!”
LOL about leaving the note on the car – it’s like when I’m driving to work and someone in front of me is doing something really annoying so I honk my horn (OK, BLAST it) and it turns out they turn right into the driveway of the Big Corporation where I work. I immediately scoot over to the opposite parking lot and hope they don’t know it was me.
8. claire | July 24th, 2007 at 6:08 am
People park that way at my office EVERYDAY. I HATE that. It makes me absolutely crazy.. Save some spots for the rest of us that perhaps don’t have new shiny cars like you, but would still like to park within a 1/2 mile from the front door, thank you very much. YOU’RE NOT THAT SPECIAL. Especially YOU, Ralph – that thing is a piece of shit and it only needs ONE spot. NOT THREE.
Bastards, all of them. I should put notes on every windshield.
9. Sadie | July 24th, 2007 at 7:11 am
AndreAnna, the gum thing is brilliant. My favorite part is picturing you feverishly chewing twelve pieces of gum in a freezing car in order to have a sufficient wad (heh) for smearing on his windshield.
10. Alexa | July 24th, 2007 at 7:23 am
Why? Why do we get embarrassed eating non-salad-y food at work? I am the same way–last week I had a HORRIBLE day and decided the one thing that would make it better was french fries with ranch dressing (I was totally right, by the way), and I ate hunched over at my desk hoping nobody would see. Preposterous.
11. AndreAnna | July 24th, 2007 at 8:00 am
Sadie – Thanks! It was rather comical. And it was orbit gum, so there was like 15 pieces to chew. Took me 10 minutes to get them all. LOL
12. mar | July 24th, 2007 at 8:10 am
i never eat in the breakroom, even when i only have salad because i hate people watching me eat. i’m better as i get to know someone, but i have huge thing about eating in front of folks. one reason i didn’t want to eat spaghetti at the in-laws. also, because i dropped meatballs in my lap. awesome!
still having issues with my divacup and getting it to spin. i’m all for hearing more of your saga.
13. p|b | July 24th, 2007 at 8:30 am
I’m going to jump on the “praising Jonniker for good writing bandwagon” because that’s what I do. I follow. I like to read about food. I eat it. I enjoy it. I enjoy looking at it. Might as well read about it.
As for the parking, I try to stay as far away from other vehicles as possible. But I do this at my own choice. I choose to park away. You know in the back of the garage. You see I don’t want my car to get hit, but guess what…it’s MY problem, not yours. People who take up 2 spaces or park sideways are just completely asinine and completely self absorbed. Because they assume that because their car is nicer or whatEVER they deserve to take up 2 spaces making less room. It’s crap. I’m with you.
And yesterday I had an orgasmic cheeseburger. To be found only in Ft. Worth Texas at Kincaids hamburgers. It brings tears to my eyes. It’s a WW nightmare, but its a big hunk of heaven.
14. elise | July 24th, 2007 at 8:35 am
I totally vote for the Moon Cup discussion to be held via your blog
I am really interested in the product and am trying to decide whether or not to try it, and I think it’s only fair if I get to hear all sides of the (your) story! See? I’m pulling the “it’s only fair” argument 
Surely I can’t lose with that one!
In other news, I think I am the type who could definitely put a mean note on someone’s car, because I also get super-annoyed with parking, but before I even had the chance, someone did it to me! And it was someone I knew! Who didn’t know that it was my car!
I discovered the note on my car as I was getting in to go home, and the person who had written it was parked directly next to me and was walking out to their car and we both looked at each other (I was apparently parked in their spot, although it wasn’t “theirs” really, only “theirs” because they LIKED it better, which is a whole other annoying parking issue, when people assign rights to spaces arbitrarily and then expect everyone else to submit) and then we both looked away, embarrassed. Then I looked back at the note-writer, pointedly pulled the note off my car, yelled out the window “sorry!” in not-such-a-sorry tone, and drove off. The next day he bought me flowers. Sad! And embarrassing! At least I got the flowers though
And of course I forgave him for his note, and I suppose he forgave me for parking in “his” spot.
I’m glad you saved yourself, though, and didn’t have to buy any flowers.
15. Andrea | July 24th, 2007 at 8:36 am
AndreAnna: Brilliant! I’m stealing that along with keeping a pack of gum in my car for just such an occasion. Not only that, but hot weather would work just as well, since the more they try to pull it off, the stickier, stretchier, gooier it gets. Awesome.
Jonna, there are few people who could do their lunch as much justice as you have done. I remember once Dooce wrote about a pimple, and it was riveting. It was in the early days, when she’d still do an artistic vignette about something now and then. And yet, you strike me as the kind of writer who could say anything and the way you say it would resonate with me. Talk about whatever damn thing you want. I’m reading and loving every word. Especially your metaphors. “Butters my toast” is going to be the new catch phrase.
Also, seriously? Do NOT stop writing about the Moon Cup and its brethren (sisteren? Seems odd to assign a male descriptor to an item solely for use by females). The comments section alone is gold on those posts. Not only that, but I think you’re helping people understand because it only seems like here can we get the truly candid scoop on all the intricacies of operating such a device.
16. bubandpie | July 24th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Okay, this post makes a really strong case for breaking the third commandment. Because seriously every time you say “Oh my God” I want that French toast just a little bit more.
17. Susan | July 24th, 2007 at 11:35 am
So funny- I was just talking at lunch today about how I wanted to leave a note on a Hummer that was taking up two spaces, but the only paper I had was the back of my business card so I refrained.
After reading about your Moon Cup, I bought a DivaCup. I tried it for two months, and always had trouble with the insertion and the twisting and the pulling and the making of the seal. Also, the leakage, probably caused by the aforementioned problems. So- I gave up. I really thought it was going to be the answer to all of life’s problems, but now, not so much. I am curious to hear what others have to say, so feel free to keep that dialogue going.
18. Amity | July 24th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
The worst is when you’re totally craving something, and you build it all up in your mind, and then you finally have it and it’s crappy. Then that induces more guilt, ’cause it wasn’t even worth it…
19. Ang | July 24th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Yes, yes, please do talk about the moon cup! As one who has (anonymously) emailed you about this – I still really want it to work, and it’s not, and your mention of clotting is very interesting, possibly helpful.
I am a personal fan of homemade waffles (my own of course) with butter on every bite, and syrup too, and maybe some more butter and syrup, until it’s drowning. I am personally addicted to (believe it or not) string cheese. I sound like a 6 year old, but there it is.
20. Cassidy | July 24th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Mmmm, freanch toast. It all sounds so devine.
All this mooncup talk honestly scares me because my brain can NOT understand how it works. I have never read anything about it because I am way too scared.
Also, Harry Potter (from your previous post)!! I used to think that I was “too good” for the Potter but that was before I read them. Oh how I love them. I am SO afraid that I am going to stumble upon some spoiler and it will ruin my life. Today is the first day since it came out that I am actually online. I just need to read it and get over it already. But I just don’t know where to find the time.
21. Christine | July 24th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Oh do put me on the list of those who wouldn’t mind, and oddly enough, enjoy discussing personal issues re: the Moon Cup in entirely too much detail.
And I’ve left the note for bad parkers. I do not feel badly. I live in Philadelphia off of South Street where there is little to no parking during certain times. All it takes is a badly parked Hummer in the middle of my street to make me want to get out the keys. Instead of destroying someone’s often expensive property I leave notes indicating that if they can afford the giant ugly car they can afford the parking lot across the way ($9 all day!). I may also tell them that I now know that they have small penises based on their automotive choice. Maybe.
22. Amy | July 25th, 2007 at 11:18 am
I would also like to hear more about the Moon Cup.
Did you know that smearing toothpaste on someone’s windshield will make it set up like concrete? It will come off eventually…….
Oh how I HATE the guy who parks in TWO spaces.
23. winterwheat | July 25th, 2007 at 11:19 am
Damn, you make French toast sound good. And I don’t even like it. I agree with you about giving in and treating yourself. It’s like a mini Mardi Gras that lets you get the wildies out of your system before you go back to business as usual.
I just tongue-lashed a guy for trying to borrow a pen from my office (I didn’t know him and thought he might be a vagrant), so don’t feel bad about the car note. And seriously, do these people think that parking across two lanes puts some kind of force field around their car? All it does it tempt me to key it.
Speaking of tongue lashing, I love the sexual overtones of “butters my toast.” Lately I’ve been describing masturbation as “grooming his poodle” (you know, because I talk about masturbation so much).
Leaky Moon Cup again, eh? You might want to try the Diva Cup (also silicone) if Moonie keeps waning on you…
24. Tessie | July 25th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Dude, BRING THE MOON CUP! Bring it, I say! You’ve gone this far, might as well go the full monty. We can’t be censoring the Moon Cup talk at this juncture. It’s a Public Service.
Plus, we’re on the edge of our seats, here.
25. Diane | July 26th, 2007 at 9:32 am
As a newish reader, you just hooked me with the promise of the moon cup stories.
26. renee from GA | July 26th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
I called in Harry Potter on Monday. Well, strictly speaking, I had a morning migraine brought about by eyestrain from reading all.weekend.long. But the headache eventually lifted, and of course, I did not go late to work but read until I finished. Loved the book. Hi, I am 40!
I came here for the Mooncup, lady. I have no idea why, but I simply must know the latest in the “Jonniker and the Mournful Mooncup” saga. Spill! [not literally]
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