Lately
July 25th, 2007
I got up early this morning, all bright and perky and ready to run, hooray! And then I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and idly picked up Harry Potter, thinking oh yes, I’ll just read a few sentences before I go! Yes! And then I perched myself on the edge of the bathtub for something like an hour and a half, and actually considered calling in sick to work, because Jesus, I can’t just leave it hanging like this, I SIMPLY CANNOT.
I did, ultimately, and I think it was a healthy decision, because calling in Harry Potter is generally considered bad form. However, I’m totally rushing through this blog post, because Jesus, there are Deathly Hallows to be read about! And then also, I am basically leaving you until Monday, because half of you will be at BlogHer, and I will have a houseguest, and there are sheets to wash and there is wine to buy and there is … well, there is hand-wringing, as I always panic that there will be something unforgivable, like cat puke on the guest pillows or something. And um, that’s totally possible, by the way, given that God, I keep finding these giant cigar-like hairballs all OVER the damn place, Jesus, does he hork ALL THE TIME? (Yes, yes he does, I suppose.)
(Update: shortly after I hit ‘publish’, I shit you not, he horked in my bed. I am now, um, changing the sheets. I LOVE YOU CAT. THANKS A BUNDLE FOR MAKING ME SOME KIND OF PROPHET, I APPRECIATE IT.)
Also, in random useless advice that you all totally knew and I didn’t, did you realize that running at night and then getting up the next morning to run will actually make your legs fall off, because oh, it is FAR TOO SOON? Yes, yes it will. The remainder of my legs are currently about three blocks away, and the meat has been plucked off by hungry pit bulls.
“I have no legs! I have no legs!”
(Quick: name that movie!)
Adam is traveling, and though I have no reason to be afraid, because oh my God, my neighbors are about three inches from me, and I bet if I banged on the wall, they’d totally come running, that doesn’t stop me from coming up with elaborate and detailed schemes of exactly how I’d get out of the house if someone came into the house with a gun or a knife — for some reason, the knife is always more likely in my um, fantasies? That can’t be right. But anyway, someone’s always breaking in with a knife, and I’m always seeing the shine of the knife out of the corner of my eye after hearing the creak of the stairs and I am TOTALLY PREPARED in the event of a knife sighting. Basically, I plan to hurl myself out of the window onto the roof and scream like a fool until someone gets me down. If I must, I will shimmy down the drainpipe, but that is only under the most extreme of circumstances, like if he’s a knife thrower or something. Or, you know, has a gun.
And while you think I’m kidding, I actually practiced how to do it. I can get the window open in 2.8 seconds, and be shimmying in four. So um, there. Knife throwers beware. Enter at your own peril, because I will RUN from your ass, assuming someone can get me some prosthetic legs, as mine have been devoured, if you recall.
Finally, because I’m sorry, look, it’s been a slow week, and absolutely nothing has been going on other than cleaning, running and oh holy shit, Harry Potter, I have to point out that Ilan from Top Chef Season Two is a douchebag. A giant, steaming douchebag (I don’t think douchebags steam. Do they? Oh my God, what a wretched image! IT STEAMS. And it’s giant! What could possibly go with a GIANT, STEAMING DOUCHEBAG? Please, someone stop the mental imagery.) (I’m sorry. Ew.) I knew it then, and tonight’s special confirmed it. And Micah! Oh, Micah. You, too, are a douchebag, though perhaps a chilled one that is less … hulking in size … but you are, oh you are, and an ignorant one at that, and oh my, did you look stupid.
Happy rest of the week! See you Monday!
*David Gray
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
26 Comments Add your own
1. Orange Peacock | July 25th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
I burned through the Deathly Hallows on release day, even though I didn’t get my copy until something like 2PM. Because I’m crazy like that and don’t understand how to savor things.
I don’t know if this is *why* your cat has hairballs, since they can come from a jillion things, but we have a superfluffy cat that was horking and shedding and all sorts of nasty things, and we got this great brush called the Furminator, and if you’re the one who gave me the idea to get it, I apologize. Anyway, we brush her once a week and I swear there’s two pounds less of cat when we’re done. It’s frighteningly expensive for a cat brush, but so worth it to stop the constant vacuuming and carpet-cleaning.
Then there’s always feeding them fish oil, but sometimes that…er…backfires from the other end.
I just grossed myself out. I need to go watch the cute androgynous boys on “So You Think You Can Dance.”
2. Jen | July 25th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Is it “Kids”? Am I right?
3. velocibadgergirl | July 25th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Now I’m sort of glad that I taped the Top Chef special, even though I considered skipping it. I will have all kinds of new asshattery to shout at the TV about tomorrow!
4. AndreAnna | July 26th, 2007 at 4:39 am
Dangit, Jen got it first! Yes, it’s Kids. A wholesome, classic take of teenagers.
And I’m not going to BlogHer. So, you will be missed until Monday!
I literally laid in bed all day Sunday and read the whole book. I’d be a total waste of space if I wasn’t forced to lay in bed with a mnor back surgery, but somehow the timing worked out well. You would have thought I planned my back thing with the release of Harry Potter… or did I? lol
You’ll love it!
5. claire | July 26th, 2007 at 5:43 am
They ARE douchebags, yes. But OHMIGOD, Sam is super, super cute. And good to see again, no? Not sure how i felt about the no hair, but it doesn’t really matter either way, does it.
No. No it doesn’t.
Mmm. Sam.
6. Lawyerish | July 26th, 2007 at 5:47 am
Do not fret about the possibility of cat-horking. I actually have it coming to me, because our cat has horked on my parents while they were sleeping in our guest room. Stupid cats.
OMG I’ll be there tomorrow! Eee!
7. Alexa | July 26th, 2007 at 6:34 am
Yes, HATE Ilan. Hate, hate HATE.
8. elise | July 26th, 2007 at 6:56 am
Again, yes on Ilan. He is an idiot! And what was that, with the clips shown of “Oooh Sam, SO cute, and you totally should have won!”
Is it producer’s remorse? Judge’s remorse? Surely by now they all can see what a (giant, steaming, etc) douchebag Ilan is, and are all wishing they had just not been “dramatic” and picked the sturdy and studly Sam.
And ha, about Micah. Harold must not like her either, as he totally called her out for NEVER HAVING WATCHED THE SHOW, EVER, I mean geez. And her answer was so…not an answer. At all.
Also! I have two cats and one is constantly…what did you call it? “Horking” up hairballs and the other one never does. I don’t know what gives. Apparently there is some kind of medicine or drops or something you can put on their food to help with the whole hairball thing? Or maybe I made that concept up out of desire for such a product to exist. Either way, if you ever find out anything that works, let me know. And I’ll do the same.
9. p|b | July 26th, 2007 at 7:21 am
I LOVE that when I read the line “I have no legs, I have no legs!” I could hear the voice in my head. Does anyone have a skateboard I could borrow?
Have an awesome weekend! And that mental image you provided us with for our Thursday morning coffee was terrible. JUST TERRIBLE.
10. Andrea | July 26th, 2007 at 7:49 am
Okay, if no one else will say it, I will, even if it’s not from Kids but a different movie: But Lieutenant Dan, you ain’t got no legs.
Ha! I amuse myself immensely.
Anyway, I cannot believe how much I laughed at your cat making you into a prophet, although I can commiserate the puke. Oh I hate the cat puke, furballs or not.
I heart Harry Potter. I wish I could call in Harry Potter, but alas, my job’s busiest time of the year is upon me next week, and I must prepare. And when I’m not working, I’m preparing my house for the real estate market. Boy, my timing couldn’t be worse.
11. Kristin | July 26th, 2007 at 9:46 am
I won’t be at BlogHer because, ummm, I don’t have a blog. I may be the only one left without one. But I do so love reading yours, so you’ll be missed! And have a FAB-O weekend!
12. Jeanne | July 26th, 2007 at 10:23 am
I was busy cleaning up cat puke just last night. She never just does it in one spot per episode. She horks once, then picks a new location and does it again, ALWAYS. Once I see it, I have scout around to find the second spot. A couple weeks ago it was on my flip flops.
I too contemplate escape routes and when the husband is out of town. I assemble and arsenal of potential weapons with which to defend myself in case I’m cornered. An unloaded shot gun (which I don’t have any idea how to use), and a buck knife accompany me to bed, along with the cell phone and flashlight.
I took the afternoon off yesterday. When asked what I had planned, I told everyone that I had a date with a 17 year old boy named Harry Potter. Alas, I’m sad to say that our relationship is over. I finished the book last night, sigh… Now he’s moved on to my 65 year old mother.
Thanks for fore-warning us that you’ll be MIA for a few days. I’ll be much more productive at work now that I won’t be checking your blog repeatedly throughout the day to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Enjoy the weekend!
13. Swistle | July 26th, 2007 at 10:53 am
So! Funny! “THANKS A BUNDLE FOR MAKING ME SOME KIND OF PROPHET, I APPRECIATE IT.” “assuming someone can get me some prosthetic legs, as mine have been devoured, if you recall.” Ha ha ha!
14. Laurel | July 26th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Harry Potter 7…ohmygod. I wasn’t a whole person until I finished it. I don’t mean that I wasn’t a whole person until Harry Potter 7 entered my life, come on now. I mean when I started it, it was like crack. And now that I’m done I feel like I just went through rehab and I’m back on track with my normal, every day life.
15. Angella | July 26th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
My cat is a horking MACHINE! I just cleaned up her spewage, so thanks for the laugh. Because it`s hard to find humour in hurling
16. Missy | July 26th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
I am SO in love with Sam from Season 2. He is studly in the most studlyest of ways.
17. bellydancer | July 26th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Oh, dear god, I thought I was the only one who had to hide the steak knives when my husband worked out of town– totally, of course, because I was afraid someone (who?) would use them against me…
18. Spring | July 27th, 2007 at 7:02 am
Friend, I totally took a day off Friday to get up at 6:30 a.m. and stand in line at Barnes & Noble TO GET MY TICKET TO BUY THE BOOK. Yes. I am that cool. I even wore my Gryffindor scarf. And it was 95 degrees outside. It’s JULY in TEXAS.
And although I finished the book by Saturday night (SATURDAY NIGHT!), I called in sick on Monday because I was still recovering from the whole experience.
But, Laurel, I’m totally feeling you. It is like crack, like the best crack you will ever know in your entire life. On Saturday night, I swear to god, I slept better than I have since I began the fricken HP series. And I was a late adapter. That was only three years ago. I can’t imagine being one of those who has been waiting a decade.
19. CJ | July 28th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Ah, lovely cats and guests. My cat, perfect behaviour always, decided to crap himself RIGHT BESIDE my sister and brother in law’s bed when they came to visit.
I know it was probably stress, but he did it before they arrived (probably about half an hour before) and it was on the far side of the bed away from the door, so I didn’t see it.
I’m sure they think we just live surrounded by cat poop all the time and it’s really normal, right? BTW they have never been back to visit since…
20. CJ | July 28th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Ah, lovely cats and guests. My cat, perfect behaviour always, decided to crap himself RIGHT BESIDE my sister and brother in law’s bed when they came to visit.
I know it was probably stress, but he did it before they arrived (probably about half an hour before) and it was on the far side of the bed away from the door, so I didn’t see it. (Until they pointed it out)…
I’m sure they think we just live surrounded by cat poop all the time and it’s really normal, right? BTW they have never been back to visit since…
21. CJ | July 28th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
sorry for the double post, I edited it and it reposted it not realising the first post had already gone.
22. Jennie | July 31st, 2007 at 8:22 am
Douchebag is such a great word. I use it often.
23. Audrey | July 31st, 2007 at 1:38 pm
I had to close Harry Potter 40 pages (FORTY! I was so close!) from the end and go to work because i just couldn’t bring myself to call in Harry Potter. If my boss were a Harry Potter fan, though, I totally would have tried it. Lucky for me my lunch hour was ample time to read those last 40 pages and all was right with the world again (even if I was fighting like hell not to cry at my desk!)
24. Leah | July 31st, 2007 at 9:55 pm
I used to make the neighbor kids come over and practice jumping out my bedroom window in case of fire/earthquake/knife attack. I was ten, yes, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t drawn any safety diagrams of the new house…
25. Jessica | August 1st, 2007 at 6:12 am
I kept having to put Harry down to go to bed at night. I fell asleep at work every day last week from staying up but it was so worth it.
The movie is Can’t Hardly Wait.
“So he’s sort of tall, with hair, and he wears t-shirts sometimes…”
26. Ree | August 3rd, 2007 at 5:31 am
Oh my freaking soul. Too funny. My husband, Mr. Hot, thinks that douchebag is the ultimate insult, but you’ve taken it to a whole new level.
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