When It’s Raining
July 31st, 2007
It won’t stop raining. It’s been raining and storming and raining and raining for what seems like weeks now, and while at first it feels like ooh, fun! Rain! because it’s all novel and stuff, as it’s been hot as blazes and sunny! Sunny! SUNNY! all the time, when I can’t get outside to take the dog for a quick pee and poop and she ends up holding it until she explodes in grand dramatic fashion, well then, I’d like it if it would stop, please, because I’m sick of being wet, and I’m oh-so-sick of dog assplosions.
There were thousands of things that were annoying about Big Love this week, not the least of which is that it harkened back to season one, which was The Season of Bill Paxton’s Ass, because honestly, dude, I saw his ass more during that one season than I’d seen of my own in YEARS. I thought we were done with Bill’s ass, now that I can map out the moles on it, but I guess they want me to memorize the pattern of hair growth as well. And God, we won’t even talk about that strange woman who talked in such a random, indiscernible accent that Adam and I were puzzled as all hell, when suddenly she announced that she was from Boston, hence the accent, and Jesus, I almost turned off the TV right then and there, because no no, that was not a Boston accent, and I need to tell anyone and everyone who saw the damn show that no NO, Bostonians don’t sound like Top Chef’s Micah after thirty beers, no they don’t.
Anyway, I made a great meal tonight — chicken with roasted sweet potatoes and onions, asparagus and garlic green beans — and while the whole thing tasted delightful, the dry rub I made had a fair amount of cayenne pepper in it, and what I hadn’t counted on was while the chicken cooked, the pepper was diffused throughout the house, which had the effect of — ha! HA! — being pepper sprayed or, I don’t know, like a giant cloud of mace whipped through the kitchen, and worse, it’s not the first time I’ve done this.
This was followed, of course, by the dog eating a giant pile of poop, and since it was raining and dark, I gleefully plucked it out of her mouth, which is further illustration of my complete and total lack of common sense, because I could totally and quite clearly smell it, yet I plunged my fingers directly into her gaping maw. Mmmm … POOPY FINGERS. Wet Willy, anyone?
Also, I must issue an apology to anyone who’s watched Big Brother at my urging this season. Not a single player is marginally likable, and if I could smack Amber with a Nerf bat until she stopped bloody CRYING already, I would. I really would. But I’m sorry. I’m having a hard time even enduring it, but once I commit, there is no turning back.
As a precursor to any menstrual talk (I’m trying y’all, I’m really trying, it’s that it takes so much effort, because it’s so ICKY, and I feel so guilty about doing it), one of the things everyone told me when I first started getting bikini waxes was that eventually, it stops hurting, and it becomes a piece of cake, or at least a hell of a lot easier. Better waxing through frequency! Hello, um: no. Consider this a public service. Bikini waxes hurt just as bad the fortieth time as they do the first, which is to say that it feels like a heartless beast is ripping your hair out of your crotch with a hot, sticky substance and a piece of lame-ass cloth, which, conveniently, turns out to be a literal phrase, because it makes its way directly into your ass, actually, and quite lamely at that. Lame-ass indeed.
AND NOW IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE REGALED WITH ANYTHING MENSTRUAL-RELATED, I URGE YOU TO NAVIGATE AWAY NOW. For suggestions on what to read, might I offer these lovely little bits on the future of Boston sports? Yes, we’re ecstatic, why do you ask? And further, who cares if Garnett, Allen and Pierce are oldish? The Celtics! They are RELEVANT again! And the Yankees! They don’t have Eric Gagne, because we do! Suck on that, bitches!
Also, if you want to start from the beginning and are new, at least on menstrual center, start here.
So, look. I have a few menstrual cup-related notes gleaned from discussions with folks, and the most important thing that I had to learn first-hand, thankfully with corroboration, is this: Do not use The Keeper under any circumstances. I lost my Moon Cup and since I ended up with The Keeper by accident and never returned it, I figured hey! Why not? Ha. HA!
Here’s why not: it smells, and by “smells,” I mean it smells SO AWFUL that I actually thought it was me, oh my God, and I was thisclose to calling the doctor, because I was pretty sure I had some sort of deeply disturbing infection, and these horrible memories of the miserable time my college roommate had when she had what we referred to as The Beav, which was short for BV — bacterial vaginosis — I was EXTREMELY DISPLEASED and terrified, because I didn’t want The Beav. Mercifully, however, I didn’t have The Beav. I had The Keeper, which formed a horrid cocktail of odors when mixed with … you know. And I’m not alone, because oh, there are many reports and oh, when I switched back to (thank God) the Moon Cup? Gone. Fresh as a daisy, or at least a springtime daisy that resembles Carrie. So no Keeper. Under any circumstances.
Also, as to what a final cup should feel like while its in: it snaps open like an umbrella, and you should be able to stick your finger in there and feel the entire opened cup, and it should actually fill the whole … girly bit area (Am technical!). To test if it’s a solid seal, push on the side of the cup; it should make a suctiony sound (yummy!). This means it’s in there as best you can, and is all sucked in. If it’s not in right, pull it down a little — it doesn’t sit very high in the girly bit at all, and a good bit of stem should be on the outside, but for God’s sake, the stem should not be sticking out of your undies like an overactive girl penis. And if you find that you’re having trouble peeing, it’s not in high enough — I actually can’t go to the bathroom if it’s too low, which is just about the freakiest feeling in the world, and is very likely how I landed myself a cup-related UTI. Others have reported this too, which: ew! Ew! (Am mature, too!)
Lastly, a word about clotting. If you are the clotting type, this is where your cup will fail you. Large clots (the size of about a quarter or larger, which I’ve discussed with my doctor, and no, apparently, it’s not anything for me to worry about, but then again, I have a thyroid disease, so don’t ask me) totally trip up the cup’s collection, and cause leakage almost immediately. The cup catches the clot, but any liquid that comes with the clot? Hello, undies! It’s all over you, and it’s everywhere, and oh my God, please empty it ASAP, unless you want to and end up buying cheap black pants at Target, because your khakis are ruined and you’re at work! How awesome! Nothing says “professional” like bloody pants! Personally, I can feel clots make their hasty exit, so I hightail it to a restroom, but if you can’t I … I don’t know how to help you. I’m sorry.
I’m sure there’s more, but frankly, I’ve just grossed myself out enough for one day.
Happy Wednesday, in what is likely the longest week ever, oh my God.
*The Samples. Um, I love Sean Kelly? And I never, ever said a bad word about him, like EVER, and no, one of his relatives and/or friends didn’t e-mail me and yell at me for spreading false rumors, why? IT NEVER HAPPENED. DON’T LIE TO ME.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
26 Comments Add your own
1. Jamie | July 31st, 2007 at 8:27 pm
This is the longest week in the history of the world. Oh, and “…or at least a springtime daisy that resembles Carrie” mostly made me piss my pants laughing. You’ve officially done Sissy Spacek proud.
2. Daily Tragedies | July 31st, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Icky or not, I applaud you for adding to our collective knowledge of menstrual collection systems. Really, I’ve learned a lot in the last few months…maybe even enough to take the plunge. (Oh god. Hold me.)
3. Artemisia, formerly known as Sagebrushy | July 31st, 2007 at 9:11 pm
I LOVE THE SAMPLES. Perfect summer road trip music.
This IS the longest week; a killer deadline at work has me in the office for 13 — yes 13! — hours a day. Then I get to come home to an unwanted house “guest’ (or lazy-ass, cheap-as-shit, emotionally stunted, immature friend of the boyfriend’s who just can’t bear the reality of getting his own place and — God forbid — paying rent or something).
AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!
Maybe if I talked to him in detail about my rising interest in using the Moon Cup he’d hightail it out of here for good?
Regardless if Moon Cup talk will rid my house of pests, thank you for sharing this info. Really!
I hope everyone else’s week smooths out a bit!
4. claire | August 1st, 2007 at 5:38 am
heh… Sean Kelly’s friends still haunting you, eh? too funny.
i think i’ll have to try the cup out again. i just had a really bad experience, what with the leaking and all, and kind of threw it back in its little cotton baggy and tossed in the back of a drawer… $35 wasted.
I’ll give it another chance; you make me want to believe. BELIEVE!
(*cough*)
5. Tessie | August 1st, 2007 at 5:52 am
Hmmm. This is all excellent information to add to The Moon Cup Decision Dossier. And I thank you.
6. Lawyerish | August 1st, 2007 at 5:54 am
As a matter of fact, thanks to your prior recommendation, I watched “Big Brother” on my flight back to NY Sunday night. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more horrifying hour of television, and that includes “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance.” Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. But I am relieved to see this retraction, as I wondered what in the world I was missing…
7. H | August 1st, 2007 at 6:12 am
Thank you for the Moon Cup post. Very valuable information.
I agree wtih you about the Big Brother houseguests. So far, I have no one to root for. Evil Dick and Jen (I call her The Robot), though annoying, are why I watch. I like the “in your face” way ED is playing the game, but when he gets mean, it makes me uncomfortable. I’m a pretty empathetic person, but I’m so sick of Amber’s crying that I laugh out loud every single time they show her sobbing. Lord, she needs to GET A GRIP.
The show is like a car wreck — I can’t turn away.
8. Leanne | August 1st, 2007 at 6:45 am
I just wanted to say that tho I love my DivaCup, it’s totally unfair that I’m already using it just 3 months postpartum when I’m exclusively breastfeeding. (which means – since there were 6 weeks of bleeding post partum – that I’ve only been period free for 7 weeks) Totally unfair. On the bright side, I’m not pregnant!
9. lizgwiz | August 1st, 2007 at 7:36 am
I hate those clots! They always freak me out. “Am I dying? No, I guess not.” Ew.
That “Boston” accent was stunningly bad, wasn’t it? I knew that, and I’ve never even BEEN to Boston.
10. mar | August 1st, 2007 at 7:56 am
thanks for the further enlightenment on cup issues.
i’ve got a question: anyone know if there’s a difference between the moon & diva? per the website pics, it looks like the moon cup has maybe one more striation (perhaps giving more suction/grippage after insertion?). i’m wondering if i’d be better off with that beyond the ick factor of saying ‘diva’ cup. i was just afraid i’d get stuck with the keeper too.
i’m back to ‘pons for the moment, until i can get the leakage in order. prefer to do this on weekends, i’ll wait until my vacation tomorrow, since i seem to be going on week 2 of my period. (ie-light flow last week, 1 week early & now i’m on my normally scheduled flow. hello, bc pill! what’s up!)
bleah!
11. Jody | August 1st, 2007 at 8:23 am
My husband sent me a link to the moon cup recently and asked me what it was and if I’d heard of it. Thanks to your blog, I gave him some highlights and hopefully didn’t gross him out too much. I’m not ready to convert myself.
Why can’t it be Vince’s ass we get to see (Entourage)? I don’t want to see any more ass on Big Love. And you are right, that Boston accent was terrible. I also like how she lumped all Mormons in Utah into the same group. She’s not gonna be a popular character at all.
12. Christine | August 1st, 2007 at 8:34 am
Even with your endorsement of the show, I have never seen a single episode of Big Brother. Pleased to find out that at least this season I’m not missing much.
And I love BigLove, although I could surely do without all the booty I’ve been seeing on there lately. It’s just unnecessary. And I had no idea that they were going for a Boston accent until they announced it. Apparently no one working on the show has ever been there, because whoa was that a bad accent.
Regardless, LOVE me the Big Love.
Although, to Jody, I don’t want to see Vince’s ass either. Stupid Vinny Chase and his obnoxiousness. blech. I like my TV ass free, thanks.
13. Swistle | August 1st, 2007 at 9:06 am
Thank you! You are so nice and also very pretty to share these personal details in the interest of public scientific knowledge! I am gathering all this information for the near future.
14. mcgee | August 1st, 2007 at 10:18 am
ohmygod i was thinking EXACTLY the same thing about bill paxton’s ass when i watched big love the other night.
15. Jen from Boston | August 1st, 2007 at 12:15 pm
I watched the Garnett/Allen/Pierce/Doc Rivers press conference yesterday. How sick am I?
Also, did I ever tell youabout the time I was shooting around w/ Ray Allen and didn’t even know it? Yeha, after about 5 mins or so, his coach asked if I minded going down to the other side of the gym. (I thought it was funny he was makinG EVERY. SINGLE. SHOT)
Just felt the need to chime in since this is the first blog I’ve read today (on my blogroll) that even mentions this.
CELTICS – ACTUAL CONTENDERS. OMG!
16. ali | August 1st, 2007 at 12:48 pm
i’d like to give fucking amber something to REALLY cry about…
17. amandampc | August 1st, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Major agreement with you on the un-fun-ness of this season’s Big Brother hamsters – I mean houseguests; Dr. Will & Co. they are definitely not, nor are they cute, sexy or even just blatantly bizarre enough. Happily, I find the So You Think You Can Dance-ers over on Fox are filling in the gap nicely with considerable helpings of eye candy and drama. Yeah-yuh! (And yes, it’s SO RIGHT to harsh on the Yanks right now, so very right!!!! You go!)
18. Amanda | August 1st, 2007 at 12:59 pm
One of your commenter said ” ‘pons”. That’s awesome. I’m a ‘pon girl myself and haven’t felt the need to enter the Land O’ the Cup, but thanks for the (clotty, ewwy) details.
19. Allison | August 1st, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Yeah, “Big Brother” isn’t really doing it for me this year. I kind of hate all of the contestants, probably Eric, most of all. The recaps on Television without Pity are worth reading though. They are freaking hilarious.
20. Gentr | August 2nd, 2007 at 11:24 am
Jonniker! Now I’m freaked out about my menstrual clots. Pretty much all I produce is clots! Very little viscous blood trickles out of me. It’s just nickle and quarter sized clots. Giant chunks of uterine lining a-shedding away…this is not normal?
I can’t believe I’m writing this in public.
21. Gentry | August 2nd, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Ok. Phew. Thank God for Dr. Google. They’re the result of my fibroids and/or chronic illness.
I’m normal!
(er, sort of).
22. Style Bard | August 2nd, 2007 at 4:34 pm
I don’t mind the Florida rain on and on and on. I prefer rain when its warm, though. Winter rain needs to be SNOW. I don’t want to be soaking wet and freezing cold, thanks. However, this week my stepfather hydroplaned- in a VW- safe my ass- and got into an accident which scared me badly, so I’m pretty pissed at the ongoing pouring in FL right now myself. Though I am temporarily located in NY.
Note two: I got so. MAD! at Big Love for that “Boston accent” BULL. Shenanigans, just shenanigans. I actually turned down a nice-seeming and somewhat attractive male because of his Dorcester accent once, and it is STILL not that bad. Omg. Not at all like that, actually. Bad in a right of its own. Yeesh, Big Love. And I had to leave the room when Bill was getting down because that’s just not something to watch with your family. I had thankfully seen it before them and knew it was coming and went ‘Oh! Somethingsomething the kitchen!’ and then left.
23. whitney | August 3rd, 2007 at 11:42 am
so i haven’t really been following the whole menstrual discussion (although i will probably go back and read it now when i get bored), but i’d like to chip in that i have a diva cup and i lurrrrve it. when i first heard about cups i was like OH GOD GROSS EW WHY GOD WHY but then a little later (aka after i got a little older/had to deal with tampons, etc for longer) i re-discovered them and i bought one and it has CHANGED MY LIFE. at least for one week a month. love love love.
24. Catgirl | August 6th, 2007 at 6:47 pm
Leanne, what’s unfair is how I got my period back at six weeks postpartum. After six weeks of lochia. Breastfeeding around the clock.
I’m a Diva girl, myself.
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