Baker Baker
August 5th, 2007
Help! I’ve been taken over by food blogs. I’ve been moved to write some of them fan mail, for crying out loud. I made my third clafoutis this weekend (plum! Again, a flognarde!), and tomorrow night, we’re having Pioneer Woman’s lasagne, for no good reason other than I’ve been craving lasagne and am in desperate need for a new recipe. Cottage cheese, however, has been deemed “gucky” during a trip to the grocery store tonight, because my husband is afraid that the cheese is actually manufactured in bungalows or something.
Which reminds me: during our trip to the store this evening, I spied a woman tooling through the aisles with no shoes on. As in, she was actually buying groceries barefoot, and doesn’t that seem like some sort of wild health code violation or something? And further, health code or not, what normal person decides to head out of the house without shoes unless they’re heading to the beach, and EVEN then, bring flip-flops, people! And for the love of God, refrain from hitting up the grocery store, no matter how desperately you need those smoked almonds!
Ultimately, it was taco night at Chez Jonniker, and the thing is, when I opened the meat package, there was this poof! of stinkiness that had us both asking what the good godly hell that smell was, but after several up close and personal sniffs, we hopefully surmised that it was just trapped gas, for the meat appeared to be fine, and we … we … ate it anyway. Gastrointestinal watch begins now! (Hello, Padma!)
I glossed over it somewhat last week, but I have a new bikini waxer, and though it was, as I noted, just as painful and miserable as ever, despite her promises to the contrary (“I use hard wax, which is virtually painless!” HAHAHA. Um, no), I promise y’all, look, I’m not going to detail the waxy torture, but I simply cannot stop myself from discussing the fact that my new waxer’s face was permanently tattooed with make-up. Which is fine! Really, it’s fine! And I understand it’s very popular, but I’m not just talking about a smidge of eyeliner here and there, I’m saying that her whole. entire. face. was made up, and every last bit of it was tattooed on. She pointed each of them out to me, and announced that I, too, could have the convenience of waking up every day with a fully made-up face!
Y’all. Her eyebrows were tattooed on. Her eyeliner. Her lips. HER LIPS! They were a bright coral when she started the discussion, and then explained that actually, her lips were done in a soft pink *modeled after a Revlon lip shade*, but she was planning on going bright coral for her next lip tattoo. Her NEXT lip tattoo! And then – AND THEN! – she whipped out a tissue, wiped off the coral, and WHAMMO! Soft pink lips complete with some sort of lip-liner looking action going on. Dear God. And don’t even get me started on the astonishing detail of her self-tattooed eyebrows.
Am I alone in being freaked by this? Has anyone done this? My sister-in-law has tattooed eyeliner, and while the idea of an ink-filled needle whirling towards my eyeball makes me want to … well, poking my eyes out would be an inappropriate statement here, I see the appeal for her. She wears eyeliner every day, and it’s subtle on her, although again, not for me. No needle near my eye, NO. And again, if the waxer had done any ONE of those items, I’d nary batted an eyelash (HEH), but the whole …. the whole face? … the eyebrows? She had fully functioning eyebrows before this whole thing and had them removed by electrolysis to reshape them! IN TATTOO! She looked very alert, is what I’m saying, and it seems a little dangerous to have that expression etched so permanently on one’s face. And I thought that a bikini wax was painful. It appears that I should shut up, and God knows, she has no sympathy for me.
And finally, I can’t tell you what a pleasure it was to read about all of your friendship styles, and I’ll say that it appears that I was wrong! Very wrong! I loved hearing the reasons why many of you gravitate toward male friends, and there wasn’t an alpha female in the bunch. I’ll also say that female friends are one of the great pleasures of adulthood — being secure enough in yourself to ignore the people who suck, and gravitate towards the good ones is a real pleasure. And – AND! – it’s nice to see that so many of you believe that men and women can be friends. I hate hearing that we can’t, because “sex always gets in the way.” It doesn’t. Or if it does, at least most of my male friends have the courtesy not to tell me about it.
But wait! Wait! I was going to go, but I forgot to mention, as I’ve just caught up with Top Chef: could Joey have been any cuter? The blubbering! The sniveling! The beet-red crying face! I wanted to hug him, I really did. And I wanted to beat Hung over the head with Calphalon.
Happy Monday!
*Tori Amos
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
28 Comments Add your own
1. Melissa | August 5th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
I recently met a woman who had her eyeliner and lip color tattooed. I wanted to ask if she had really found it that difficult to spend the thirty seconds it takes to apply eyeliner and lipstick every morning, but bit my tongue.
No needles near my eyes, thank you very much. I have a small scar at the edge of my mouth that I’ve thought of having tattooed (standard lip color, nothing fancy), but that’s more of a fix-it. I may look into it one of these days.
I’m not opposed to the makeup tattooing, I just don’t understand why it’s necessary.
2. velocibadgergirl | August 5th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Wow…the whole face? That’s so weird.
Even the eyeliner seems a bit extreme to me. It seems like it would be hard to do “subtle” or “natural” with tattoo ink, but hey, what do I know?
And I luuuuuurve Top Chef! Poor Joey. I really thought Sara Mair was toast. I’m honestly surprised they kept her, especially since she’s been mediocre at best from day one. The skeptic in me wondered if they cut Joey loose because he had the least drama-rama potential of the bottom four, now that he and Howie have made friends.
3. karamarie | August 5th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
I just checked out the food blog links, and unfortunately am probably going to become way too addicted to them. The pretty, pretty pictures! The sexy food descriptions! Sigh.
4. Kristi | August 5th, 2007 at 10:33 pm
Oh shit – there goes my current weight loss plan! Thanks a lot!!!! Can’t. Get. Spicy. Shrimp. Out. Of. Head!!!!!!
5. rosarita | August 6th, 2007 at 4:06 am
I have a friend who shaved off her eyebrows in the 80′s for some reason. She had them tattooed on a couple years ago, twice, but the outer halves still didn’t take, so she still has to draw them on every day like she’s been doing for twenty years. And, of course, it hurt. I’d think you could have more fun setting fire to $300 and watching it burn.
6. Lawyerish | August 6th, 2007 at 7:04 am
Allison and I made Pioneer Woman’s corn recipe this weekend and the Earth moved. Oh, yes. I highly recommend it.
The tattooed makeup look is not one I find aesthetically pleasing. Nay. I cannot imagine the pain of having one’s LIPS tattooed. I can’t even bear the sensation of dry lips, let alone having someone jab them repeatedly with a needle.
7. Gentry | August 6th, 2007 at 7:15 am
I think I can speak for everyone when I advise you not to let a tattoo-faced woman near your genitals again.
8. -R- | August 6th, 2007 at 7:29 am
I agree with everyone else about tattoos on the face. I mean, I know she didn’t go all Mike Tyson or anything, but still. No.
And as for no shoes in the grocery store lady, wtf? Why would you go ANYWHERE in public without shoes on? I just do not understand.
9. Suebob | August 6th, 2007 at 7:38 am
I always wonder what happens to the tattooed makeup when your face starts to sag and your skin moves around…and I don’t want to see it.
I kind of hate to do this to you, but there is a whole food blog aggregator, so you know when they have updated:
foodpornwatch.arrr.net
Try http://www.chocolateandzucchini.com, too
10. whoorl | August 6th, 2007 at 8:05 am
The lasagna is SO good, but you should definitely halve the recipe. Trust me.
11. hello insomnia | August 6th, 2007 at 8:42 am
My aunt has her eyebrows tattooed on and everytime I see her I think, “Oh yeah, like *that’s* natural.”
12. Meg | August 6th, 2007 at 9:11 am
My rule with makeup is, if you can’t budge it with a wild session of making out, it’s far too secure on your face.
13. Laurel | August 6th, 2007 at 9:18 am
oh for the love of…WHY? Why do people insist on making lasagna with cottage cheese? I don’t understand…have they just not heard of ricotta cheese? Sorry…that is one of my “anger buttons.” Like people who can’t put their carts in the cart corral at the grocery store.
But really, I’ve made Rees sinful chocolate cake and it was amazing. So any recipe from her is alright with me–how was the lasagna?
14. jonniker | August 6th, 2007 at 9:26 am
Laurel: I’ve never actually seen cottage cheese in a lasagna recipe until this one. Is it really that common? Bear in mind, however, that the fear of the cottage cheese has rendered us fully using ricotta, which is what I’m more accustomed to as well.
15. Angella | August 6th, 2007 at 10:29 am
My stepmom had her eyebrows tattooed and…SO WEIRD. Definitely not for me.
16. tiff | August 6th, 2007 at 10:33 am
that Lasagne is insanely good… we subsituted Ricotta instead, because, yuck. But otherwise? Divine!
She’s like Paula Deen of the Internets, so much with the butter! I love her and all her Ranch-livin’ ways.
17. Carolyn J. | August 6th, 2007 at 10:35 am
I wonder what that lady looks like when she wakes up in the morning? That lip “ring” must look NASTY. I wonder what the man (or woman) who wakes up next to her thinks about all that.
And who wants to wear the exact same shade of makeup on their whole face for the rest of their lives?
18. Sadie | August 6th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Here’s what I want you to do: make the whole dang lasagne (good job with the ricotta substitution, thanks) and then send half to me. You can put it in a FedEx box, I don’t care, I will pick the cheese off the cardboard.
Also, having gotten a tattoo on a far less delicate part of my body than my EYELID, my question is, HOW THE BLUE FUCK do you not squint and wince and blink when someone is using a buzzy needle on your EYE??!! The result could look like you applied your makeup on an airplane with turbulence. Or, you could also go blind. whichever,
19. ali | August 6th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
i still can’t believe you ate it….i would have rather gone without dinner than to chance stinkymeat!
20. Jennie | August 6th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
I had a professor with tattooed eyeliner and lips. We wanted to ask her how painful it was, but we were too embarrassed to ask.
I couldn’t get over Joey’s cuteness in his farewell speech…It made me cry, which made me feel ridiculous, but I just loved his sincerity.
21. Cassidy | August 6th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
So, there is nothing worse to me than people who think that it is acceptable to walk around barefoot in public places. I think that it is so gross. I was in Central Park last Friday and this woman was walking around barefoot and it was all I could think about for the next 45 minutes.
On the friend note, there is nothing I love more on this earth than my girlfriends. I could not live without them and it is always very hard/insulting for me to hear other women say that they can’t be friends with women. I totally agree with this: “I’ll also say that female friends are one of the great pleasures of adulthood — being secure enough in yourself to ignore the people who suck, and gravitate towards the good ones.” Love it.
22. AndreAnna | August 6th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I would maybe, kinda, maybe, sorta, maybe *think* about tattooing a uber-thin line on the top lash line. Only because I have to do it myself every morning and it would be oh-so-convenient not to have to do it, or smudge it, or have it wash down my face when I cry over a Kleenex commercial or the fact that I am out of chocolate. My last manicurist had it done, and I honestly didn’t notice until she told me. It looked perfect. I would never do eyebrows or lips; it’s just so unnatural. And always reminds me of Killer Clowns From Outer Space. I have not been the same since I saw that decades ago.
23. H | August 6th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
My mom has always made lasagne with cottage cheese and I couldn’t even stand the thought of it. It was one of those things that I wasn’t going to like no matter how it tasted because cottage cheese was in.the.lasagne. I like cottage cheese alone, but not in my lasagne — please. She’d always tell me I liked all the individual ingredients so I should like them together, to which I always replied that I like ketchup and ice cream but I would NEVER put ketchup ON my ice cream! I didn’t even know ricotta chesse existed until I was 25 years old. I guess you could call me sheltered. Or something.
24. jonniker | August 6th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
But AndreAnna: THE PAIN. HOW WOULD YOU ENDURE THE PAIN?
25. Jennie | August 6th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
I must say, when I have a baby, I want to see myself in his/her face, and that may be hard if I can’t remember what I looked like before my always coral-colored lips or scary-perfect eyebrows.
Also, I have two tattoos (neither on my face) and even I am thinking NOOOOO NEEDLES NEAR MY EYES/LIPS.
26. anne | August 7th, 2007 at 6:43 am
(I was referred here by Jen – by way of a compliment!)
What is about those food blogs that are so horribly addicting? It is a problem – it means way too much time at Publix and probably too many calories because they all inspire me to want to cook!
27. Swistle | August 7th, 2007 at 9:31 am
I am SO GLAD I did not get make-up tattooed on my face back in the ’80s. Frosty green eyeshadow and matching frosty green eyeliner FOR ALL TIME. That’s an even bigger problem than the pain, I think: make-up styles change over time, and then the old styles look ridiculous.
The thought of going barefoot on a public floor makes me feel like washing my feet RIGHT NOW.
I don’t know how anyone could say that one kind of bikini waxing was significantly less painful than another kind. ANY bikini wax PULLS OUT ALL THOSE LITTLE HAIRS, and that is going to HURT.
28. Jonniker. » Always &hellip | September 16th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
[...] It was surreal. And perfect. And for some reason, it made me immeasurably sad, that life marches on the way it does, and that we’re no longer sixteen, with endless stretches of time to hang around in someone’s bedroom, doing everything and nothing. I think, incidentally, it might be time for me to eat my words, because I realized that all of my high school friends were boys, with only one exception. I was the only girl from school at that wedding, and when I looked around, it hit me that I preferred playing Nintendo to playing cheerleader, and watching The Highlander over and over again was more important than putting on make up. So I’m sorry! I am that girl, in a way, and I didn’t even know it. [...]
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