Hanging Upside Down

Hello! I’ve just consumed three pounds of meat, how are you? Because the thing with Pioneer Woman’s lasagna is that it is MEE-TAY. Meat! Lots and lots of meat! I’ve never seen so much meat in one place, actually, and for that reason alone, I’m not sure I’d make it exactly the same way again, although I will admit that my preference is for a saucy lasagna, and this ain’t saucy, it’s MEATY! MEATY! MEATY!, did I mention it’s MEEAAATTTY?

I understand why Ree needs such a meaty lasagna, given that she and the family are all up before dawn and work on a ranch all day doing things like chasing cows and riding horses and doing things that require sweating. I’ll bet that works up a meaty appetite, and that at least, dear God, you burn off some of those meaty, meaty calories working on a ranch. But a writer and a technology geek do not need an extra … meat, because our lives are quite sedentary, and typin’ doesn’t burn the same amount of calories as ranchin’. And there certainly isn’t any sweating, as evidenced by what I fear are … headlights in all the wrong places due to subzero working conditions.

In the meantime, a plea to the good folks at Merrick cat foods: please, and I do mean please, stop making your cans so difficult to open. Today, in fact, while I struggled for a solid three minutes to figure out how to open a container of Southern Delight, the entire container exploded and shot all over me and it was, essentially, like being doused in vomit. That was awesome, and may actually have been the highlight of my day. I would also like it if you could do something about the fact that the second, and I mean THE VERY SECOND, I dump the dirty cat litter into the garbage bag, my cat places his ass into the empty litterbox and lets loose with approximately 11,000 ounces of urine.

Honestly, I’m talking about fluff, because the very idea of imagining my house on the market and a whole bunch of other things going on are making me want to poke my eyes out with giant pointy things, because … well, I’m just feeling very overwhelmed right now, with everything, and most of it is going to be fine, but I’m just … I’m just a little overwhelmed, but this, too, shall pass. And mercifully, for better or worse, things always work out the way their supposed to, don’t they? Adam and I were saying today that one of the best things about getting old will be to take a look at the paths that everything took; to map out your life in retrospect, and understand that yes, sometimes things do work out for a reason you don’t know yet. That will be cool, I guess, but in the immortal words of Jordin Sparks, this is my now (I should have realized before, but is there a more inane lyric out there? Is there? Oh, American Idol. What were you thinking?), and sometimes – don’t tell anyone – I can be impatient.

In the meantime, please someone keep me off of Realtor.com and Zillow and whatever, just PRY MY FINGERS FROM THE KEYBOARD.

Anyway. Since I have an affinity for all things perfumed, I should say that I never shy away from complimenting someone on their fragrance, and really, nothing irritates me more than someone who refuses to share it, like it’s some sort of secret, and no one else will find that perfume! Ever! NEVER! Today, however, embarrassingly enough, I caught a delightful whiff of a woman’s perfume as she was exiting the restroom stall, and really, there couldn’t be a less inappropriate time to compliment someone, though I will admit, I am grateful that it was that I smelled, instead of other, more natural odors.

(Aside: I don’t wear much perfume anymore. It’s too strong on me. But I still collect it.)

And finally: Alby Grant! As prophet! Nicki gambling! Oh Big Love. You’re making up for everything Big Brother is lacking.

Happy Tuesday!

*David Byrne. I always thought he was Scottish or … something … but it turns out, no! No! He was raised in America! That explains a lot, but still, does he not seem … foreign to you? And also – also! – he does the music for Big Love? Because he does. And the whole scene with the guitars and Nicki with the money and everything was obvious, yes, but it was also pure genius.

19 comments August 6th, 2007