An Honest Mistake
So, I called my sister-in-law tonight to wish her a happy birthday, and my brother informed me that while he was glad I called, she was actually already asleep.
It was 7:15 p.m.
As you can imagine, I was freakin’ incredulous, because SEVEN FIFTEEN. Who goes to bed at SEVEN FIFTEEN? Oh my sister-in-law does, because she wakes up at 2 a.m. FOR THE DAY, and apparently she has half of her life organized and complete by the time she goes to work at NINE. As in, she has SEVEN WHOLE HOURS to putter around before she goes to work. Remember how I said I was a morning person and was afraid of that slippery slope of early to bed, early to rise? This — THIS — is precisely what I was afraid of. No no, this is what I am TERRIFIED of.
I just … well, I don’t know what to do with that, nor did I have any idea that this kind of madness was going on, but if it works for her, then, ah … well. I just hope I don’t let that happen to me, and sadly, with my penchant for sunrises these days, it’s lurking in the shadows like a stale fart. It could happen.
Anyway, I have to ask, am I the only person who perpetually works in office buildings where they must automate EVERYTHING IN THE RESTROOM? For example, at my last job, the toilets were automatic flushers, and the sinks and soaps were automatic, too. And it was weirdly convenient and strangely empowering, like suddenly I had the power to turn on the world with the flick of a finger! I am the Sylar of bathrooms! FEAR ME, TOILETS!
It did cause problems, however, in that the auto-toilets and sinks caused quite a few embarrassing moments in other bathrooms like, say, at home, when I would do my business and walk away without flushing, then plant my hands impatiently under the sink wondering why in the Sam Hill the sink wasn’t going ON when my mere presence demanded it? ON, SINK. I COMMAND YOU.
You can imagine that was a fun time for Adam, with unflushed toilets lurking around every corner and it was especially pleasurable during that very special girls-only time, because who doesn’t like a little gift with their morning pee?
Anyway, at least that company had the decency to allow us to decide how many paper towels were appropriate for us to use, unlike my current job, who has installed those godforsaken auto dispensers that dole out one pathetic square at a time. You know, enough to suck all the moisture out of your dripping palm when you grab it, thus leaving you with a soaked and wholly ineffectual pile of mush to dry the rest of your hands with. And while it’s irritating, I can mostly live with it, especially after I overheard our adorable operations manager crowing exictedly about how EFFICIENT the machines are, and how much money he’s saved us in paper products each month! I mean, dude, the man did his job. He should be proud.
However. Three times in the last few weeks, I have spilled the entire contents of my Nalgene water bottle all OVER my desk, and when you’ve got a colleague holding your computer aloft while you frantically try to get something to wipe up the frigin’ 64 ounces of water making its way to your camera and cell phone, do you have ANY idea how frustrating it is to STAND OVER A GODFORSAKEN MACHINE and be doled out a square the size of a DVD case ONE GODDAMN SHEET AT A TIME? And then — THEN! — when you get one square, the machine has to reset itself, which means you have to take your hand away, tap your feet and do some sort of PAPER TOWEL DANCE, while you wait for the dispenser to decide whether you are indeed a new person with wet hands, or just a paper towel pilferer stockpiling them out of some sort of wild vendetta against resource conservation with a special eye towards destroying our nation’s forests.
And whatever, I know, look, I’ll be more careful with the Nalgene bottle, I promise. I’ll put the lid on it, even. But please, give me a stash of paper towels that I can access without prostrating myself in front of a machine, at least for emergencies.
Also in random, oh-my-God GROSS news, weevils got into my Snapple strawberry tea bags. Go ahead, ask me when I realized this, it’s okay. I’m at peace with it. Kind of. Or kind of not, because it was after I’d consumed no fewer than FOUR CUPS OF TEA and just thought, gee, that looks like a bug, but also, gee, these bags have holes in them! Must be some sort of manufacturing defect, how about that? And then I realized what happened and promptly died, and I may never drink tea again as long as I live oh my God, I DRANK BUGS.
Happy Wednesday!
*The Bravery.
36 comments August 28th, 2007