An Honest Mistake
August 28th, 2007
So, I called my sister-in-law tonight to wish her a happy birthday, and my brother informed me that while he was glad I called, she was actually already asleep.
It was 7:15 p.m.
As you can imagine, I was freakin’ incredulous, because SEVEN FIFTEEN. Who goes to bed at SEVEN FIFTEEN? Oh my sister-in-law does, because she wakes up at 2 a.m. FOR THE DAY, and apparently she has half of her life organized and complete by the time she goes to work at NINE. As in, she has SEVEN WHOLE HOURS to putter around before she goes to work. Remember how I said I was a morning person and was afraid of that slippery slope of early to bed, early to rise? This — THIS — is precisely what I was afraid of. No no, this is what I am TERRIFIED of.
I just … well, I don’t know what to do with that, nor did I have any idea that this kind of madness was going on, but if it works for her, then, ah … well. I just hope I don’t let that happen to me, and sadly, with my penchant for sunrises these days, it’s lurking in the shadows like a stale fart. It could happen.
Anyway, I have to ask, am I the only person who perpetually works in office buildings where they must automate EVERYTHING IN THE RESTROOM? For example, at my last job, the toilets were automatic flushers, and the sinks and soaps were automatic, too. And it was weirdly convenient and strangely empowering, like suddenly I had the power to turn on the world with the flick of a finger! I am the Sylar of bathrooms! FEAR ME, TOILETS!
It did cause problems, however, in that the auto-toilets and sinks caused quite a few embarrassing moments in other bathrooms like, say, at home, when I would do my business and walk away without flushing, then plant my hands impatiently under the sink wondering why in the Sam Hill the sink wasn’t going ON when my mere presence demanded it? ON, SINK. I COMMAND YOU.
You can imagine that was a fun time for Adam, with unflushed toilets lurking around every corner and it was especially pleasurable during that very special girls-only time, because who doesn’t like a little gift with their morning pee?
Anyway, at least that company had the decency to allow us to decide how many paper towels were appropriate for us to use, unlike my current job, who has installed those godforsaken auto dispensers that dole out one pathetic square at a time. You know, enough to suck all the moisture out of your dripping palm when you grab it, thus leaving you with a soaked and wholly ineffectual pile of mush to dry the rest of your hands with. And while it’s irritating, I can mostly live with it, especially after I overheard our adorable operations manager crowing exictedly about how EFFICIENT the machines are, and how much money he’s saved us in paper products each month! I mean, dude, the man did his job. He should be proud.
However. Three times in the last few weeks, I have spilled the entire contents of my Nalgene water bottle all OVER my desk, and when you’ve got a colleague holding your computer aloft while you frantically try to get something to wipe up the frigin’ 64 ounces of water making its way to your camera and cell phone, do you have ANY idea how frustrating it is to STAND OVER A GODFORSAKEN MACHINE and be doled out a square the size of a DVD case ONE GODDAMN SHEET AT A TIME? And then — THEN! — when you get one square, the machine has to reset itself, which means you have to take your hand away, tap your feet and do some sort of PAPER TOWEL DANCE, while you wait for the dispenser to decide whether you are indeed a new person with wet hands, or just a paper towel pilferer stockpiling them out of some sort of wild vendetta against resource conservation with a special eye towards destroying our nation’s forests.
And whatever, I know, look, I’ll be more careful with the Nalgene bottle, I promise. I’ll put the lid on it, even. But please, give me a stash of paper towels that I can access without prostrating myself in front of a machine, at least for emergencies.
Also in random, oh-my-God GROSS news, weevils got into my Snapple strawberry tea bags. Go ahead, ask me when I realized this, it’s okay. I’m at peace with it. Kind of. Or kind of not, because it was after I’d consumed no fewer than FOUR CUPS OF TEA and just thought, gee, that looks like a bug, but also, gee, these bags have holes in them! Must be some sort of manufacturing defect, how about that? And then I realized what happened and promptly died, and I may never drink tea again as long as I live oh my God, I DRANK BUGS.
Happy Wednesday!
*The Bravery.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
36 Comments Add your own
1. bubandpie | August 28th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Okay, Sylar in the bathroom just made me laugh really really loudly.
2. bubandpie | August 28th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
And I know that comment would have worked so much better if I could just have left it at “loud” but that would. not. have. been. right.
3. Daily Tragedies | August 28th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
Wow, just wow. I cannot bring myself to go to bed when it’s still light out, barring an all-nighter the night before. 7:15?!?!?! And what, exactly, does one DO at 2 AM? Clearly watching TV is right out, unless you’re in the market for some sexy girls in your area or a rotisserie chicken cooking device where you can just SET IT and FORGET IT!
4. Jennie | August 28th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
I may never drink tea again! You poor thing!
Also, I know the paper towel dance well, my friend. Sometimes I shake it a little extra, just to humor myself.
5. Mauigirl52 | August 28th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Our bathrooms at the Big Corporation have the same automated deal with the same annoying paper towel dispenser that makes you do the Paper Towel Dance (love that phrase!) to get more than one sheet. I am not enamored of the automatic flushing toilets. Sometimes they flush when I’m NOT done! Like if I didn’t actually SIT on it. For sanitary reasons. It suddenly decides I must be done and flushes and it splashes when it does that. I hate that.
6. MsPrufrock | August 29th, 2007 at 12:13 am
Between the Sylar paragraph and the weevil one I’m laughing like an idiot. Stop being so damn funny please, you make everyone else look bad.
7. Jennifer | August 29th, 2007 at 3:50 am
I can imagine what she does between 2am and leaving for work at nine, because I do all that stuff but I do it before I go to bed rather than after I get up. That’s what NIGHT PEOPLE do… they stay up really late to finish up all that crap!
And as I write this, it is 4:15 am my time, and I’m going to bed. And I have to be up for work at 9:30. See, I am your Sis-In-Law in reverse.
And I would never, never ever be in danger of adopting your Sis-In-Law’s schedule.
That is nice you called to wish a happy birthday though… yer a sweety.
8. TwoBusy | August 29th, 2007 at 5:19 am
Is your sister-in-law under psychiatric care? Because that’s, uh… not normal.
As for drinking bugs, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I have to learn to stop reading you while I’m eating my morning bagel.
9. erica | August 29th, 2007 at 5:34 am
Oh you said WEEVILS! I thought you were talking about Weebles.
This guy has a pretty impressive collection. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/af222/WEEBLES/list.htm
10. mar | August 29th, 2007 at 6:24 am
you didn’t drink bugs, just steeped bug juice! ’cause that’s, um, better somehow?
i feel you on the paper towel dance. i understand efficiency, but i only take as many as i need…
11. jonniker | August 29th, 2007 at 6:40 am
Mar: No no, I drank WHOLE BUGS. The tea bag was leaking strawberry and tea bits, and I assumed that’s what it was, but instead NO NO, it was WHOLE BUGS. GAH WHOLE BUGS OH MY GOD.
12. Artemisia | August 29th, 2007 at 7:33 am
1. Getting up at 2:00 a.m. on purpose is ludicrous.
2. I am the most impatient person many of you will ever meet. I would rip the damn paper towel dispenser OUT OF THE WALL.
3. I, too, had weevils in a box of tea bags, once. I didn’t realize this until I go to the end of the box and saw the creepy-as-shit weevil shells sitting in the bottom of the box. OHMYGOODGRIEF. Now I keep my teabags in plastic bags in the refrigerator. And I still inspect each one meticulously. My flour and pasta are in Click-Clack containers in the fridge, too. Paranoia is a powerful thing.
13. p|b | August 29th, 2007 at 7:34 am
WEEVILS. I didn’t know those existed in real life. Honestly I thought they were something Down in Fraggle Rock. Apparently I am wrong.
I love The Bravery btw. And in honor of your post I am now forcing my co-workers to listen.
14. Suebob | August 29th, 2007 at 8:12 am
I don’t know if I should say this lest it put everyone off food forever, but there are bugs or bug parts in everything you eat. Most of them are just too small to see. Every batch of flour is full of weevil parts. I think that is where the protein comes from, honestly.
When I was taking entomology and needed weevils for my bug collection (bug collection! THAT was about the worst assignment I ever had in my 10 years of college), I went to the grain silo on campus (yes, it was an ag school. We also had cute sheep next to the parking lot and a rodeo team. When the wind blew from the swine unit, the smell was enough to gag you) and asked the guy if he knew where to get grain weevils. He opened the chute and the first bit of grain that came out was HOPPING with weevils. And the second bit. And all the bits.
So chow down and enjoy. Crunchy bug bits are good for you! Yum yum.
15. H | August 29th, 2007 at 8:38 am
Oh, your weevil story reminded me of my pancake experience.
I was younger, maybe 4th grade, and our family went on a 2 week camping trip. We came home and my mom made pancakes for our first meal home. At the time, we kept our maple syrup in the cupboard in a special syrup container (like you see in restaurants with the thingy you slide open with your thumb.) I poured the syrup on my pancakes (thinking, my, that syrup is dark) and took a few bites and then took a good look at the syrup and found it was full — FULL — of ants. Apparently, they discovered the syrup while we were gone and entire colonies had crawled in the container and drowned in syrupy sweetness.
And, yes, I had eaten many of them. I still think of that every time I see syrup.
16. jonniker | August 29th, 2007 at 8:58 am
So Suebob, while intellectually, I know there are bugs and spiders and hairs in everything I eat, I can deal with it in the abstract, really, I can. But oh my God, seeing their little carcasses in my tea? CARCASSES IN MY TEA? NOOOOOOOO.
17. karamarie | August 29th, 2007 at 9:34 am
This reminds me of the time I took a sip from my pop can and relized, hey, something is in my mouth, and I spit it out and hi! A fly!
I HAD A FLY IN MY MOUTH.
Living fly, might I add.
18. Laurel | August 29th, 2007 at 9:59 am
I got a live mosquito stuck in my eyeball once. The worst thing was I could still feel it struggling to escape and none of my friends would help me because it was so gross.
How did this happen? I live in south Louisiana…I walked outside and BOOM. Mosquito in the eyeball.
19. Andrea | August 29th, 2007 at 10:08 am
What’s the worst thing about those automatic toilets is trying to potty train a child who isn’t expecting that random flush. I know, Jonniker, that you don’t have to deal with this yet, but be forewarned. Some of those toilets flush REALLY LOUDLY too. I have to warn Gabe when I see an auto flush toilet that it could go off at any moment and that it could be sonic boom loud. Otherwise, he’d never go in public and the enitre back of my car would be filled with stashes of clothes in case of accidents.
I will check all my teabags from now on. Holes in them? In the trash.
And thank you Sueb0b for making me never want to eat again. That may really help the diet plan (for when I start it again after the baby’s born).
20. Kristin | August 29th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Thank you, karamarie and laurel, because I am laughing out loud at work! And now I must tell the story of my Uncle John, who was riding his motorcycle when a June bug flew straight in his mouth and partially down his throat. What does one do in this situation? Why, try to swallow it the rest of the way down, of course! And when one feels it trying repeatedly to crawl back UP?!?! Well, he kept trying to swallow it but personally, I would have abandoned the motorcycle mid-street and run away screaming and barfing, hopefully to a place where June bugs and weevils do not exist, and bug parts are not routinely eaten by me or anyone else.
21. Leah | August 29th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Weevils! I’ve eaten them too! Halfway through munching up a box of dry pasta (what?) I was all, “Oh. Look. BUGS.”
22. Christine | August 29th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
So, is the automated toilet to blame for the occasional times my boyfriend does not flush? Because it annoys me so much. So much so, that I’m almost sure there are days when he does it on purpose just because he knows I will flip out.
Oh and the weevils, I don’t know if I’ll be able to drink tea again either.
23. Jamie | August 29th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
My niece calls automatic toilets “magic potties.” Apparently my sister wasn’t willing to explain the basics of sensor automation to a 4-year old. I can’t say I blame her.
24. Beth | August 29th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
You drank BUGS??? Pardon me while I laugh my ass off. Oops, sorry. That’s inconsiderate. But so damn funny. ;^)
And “FEAR ME, TOILETS!” I almost want that on a T-shirt, except it might give people the wrong idea.
(OMG, you drank bugs…)
25. Melissa | August 29th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
No weevils in the tea bags, but how does a drowned spider in the teapot sound? The teapot I filled repeatedly without ever peering into until one day, for a lark, I wondered whether the outside gauge exactly matched the water level inside? Pots and pots of waterlogged spider I drank … actually, ’tweren’t half bad.
26. Heath | August 29th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Well, you didn’t exactly drink bugs. You drank tincture of bugs! Is that better? I can’t tell.
27. Leane | August 29th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
OMG and drinking tea..you often find particles and tell yourself it’s just tea..so yikes. OHHH UG I may never drink tea again myself now. (Do we have weevils here in NY?) I don’t get why your SIL doesn’t just to to bed later and get her stuff done in the evening? lol There is no way in the world I would wake up at 2am just to have all that time before work..Heck I’d be tired by the time work began!
28. Stacey | August 29th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Hearing your tea/bug story makes the chunks rise. I’ve had waaay too many experiences with those nasty bugs. In oatmeal, rice, cereal.. is San Diego a hot spot for nasty creepycrawlies? The worst was when some form of insect infiltrated rice (white rice) until .. (trying to stop the horrible flashbacks) .. little white wormie things took over. I didn’t notice until I went to make rice and ended up screaming as I threw the bag across the kitchen upon noticing the “rice” was moving. I made my friend clean up the mess I made.
I’m probably going to start having night terrors again.
29. Swistle | August 29th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Okay, wait, I need scratch paper to jot down my comments as I’m reading.
1) Is your sister-in-law trying not to spend any time with your brother or something? That is WEIRD.
2) Paper towel dance = comedy gold.
3) I would keep a roll of Bounty on my desk, then pitch it whole into the puddle.
4) I hadn’t realized weevils would inhabit tea bags. Actually, I don’t know what a weevil is. Have I been drinking weevils ALL ALONG?
30. Trina | August 29th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
Hey – you just got a little extra protein, that’s all!
And that sleep schedule your SIL is on gives me the heebie jeebies! I’m currently sleeping 7 am to 3 pm and it’s perfect.
As for automated toilets, I don’t trust them – I *always* push the little button myself. And if I had to deal with a towel dispenser like that, I’d take 5 minutes one day to stand there and rip off a bunch so I could have a proper stash. That, or find the janitor’s closet and swipe a roll.
31. cassidy | August 30th, 2007 at 6:58 am
About a month ago my brother came to visit me and he had never been to NYC, so we took the train in and walked around all day. I had the flu and was feeling so sick and at one point, we were at the South Street Seaport and I had to go into the little mall that they have there to puke. I was squatting there thinking that it couldn’t get any worse when the automatic flush went off and splashed my face with NEW YORK CITY PUBLIC-BATHROOM-TOILER-WATER! I died inside.
32. guinness girl | August 30th, 2007 at 11:13 am
Weevils! Shudder.
When I was just a wee GG, my mom found weevils in a bag of flour in our pantry. I totally freaked out over it and yet could not for the life of me remember the word weevil. I thought they were called wooleys (which I pronounced WOO-lees – with an emphasis on the woo). My parents still tease me about this.
Bless your heart for drinking them, though.
33. mar | August 30th, 2007 at 11:28 am
that’s precious, gg. reminds me of the delightful story my mum tells of when i was little and walking in the field behind the house when we came upon a dead rabbit, crawling with maggots. my 4 year old response? ” ‘ronies!” (ie, macaroni) it’s amazing i eat pasta anymore.
34. Leane | August 30th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
ok here is info on weevils: http://www.pestproducts.com/weevils.htm
At least we now know you are not going to die of weevil ingestion!
35. Ang | September 3rd, 2007 at 10:57 am
My daughter is totally nervous in public toilets because of the autoflush – luckily she’s made of sturdy stuff so as long as I warn her she hops off quickly and covers her ears.
And I’m afraid I ate bugs this week too – opened a bag of cashews, dumped it in the tupperware, was munching away and felt something sticky – was some type of moth thingy with web bits all over the cashews. I brushed twice and sat for 5 minutes with Scope in my mouth. Man, I wish I could have thrown up!
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