Breakfast at Tiffany’s
September 4th, 2007
Sunny has double ear infections, and while it’s horrible, and I feel terrible for her, I must admit, cleaning her ears is dangerously satisfying, I’m sorry, it just is. I know it’s gross. I know earwax — canine or human — is pretty foul, and it’s not like I have some sort of earwax fetish or anything, it’s that I cannot tolerate any sort of bodily crusts or byproducts of any sort, and I must eradicate them. I MUST.
Also, she may have had a zit in her ear from all the ointment and I may have mentioned it to Adam and he may have said, rather sternly, “DO NOT POP A ZIT ON THE DOG.” And maybe it was hard for me to admit that yes, the thought crossed my mind, because while I realize it’s gross, I can’t let a zit lie there. I can’t, even if it’s IN MY DOG’S EAR. I may have a problem, and yeah, that may have happened.
Am I alone here? I know I’ve mentioned this before, but if there’s a blackhead in a 10-mile radius, I need to get rid of it. It’s not an option. I need to clear the pores! Freshen the skin! GET RID OF THE SEBUM.
Are you disgusted yet? I am, and I’m sorry, but it’s only going to get worse. Because while I’m at it, I’m going to update you on bikini waxes, but there is a payoff unrelated to my own hoo-ha, I promise. Remember when I said that whoever said that bikini waxes don’t hurt if you get them regularly lied, because they do! They hurt! HORRIBLY!
They don’t. Retracted. I’m on my third monthly wax of the .. more thorough, variety (please note I did not say entirely thorough, and I don’t know why this matters to me, what you think of my bikini line, but it does), and I’ve got to tell you, I hardly felt a thing. Seriously. I mean, there was some vague stinging, but it was nothing like the absolute bald (hee!) terror of the first few waxes, and I’m a regular waxing sort, just not always of the … more thorough variety. And also, as if this wasn’t awkward enough, lying naked on a table while a woman smears hot (HOT) wax in your most intimate areas, and near some very sensitive and intimate-type skin that doesn’t normally see the light of day, my aesthetician (the one with the tattooed face) told me about a class she’s taking next month. A class where she will learn how to dye the nether-hair hot colors, like shocking pink, purple and blue.
I’ll let that sink in for a moment. You know, the DYED GIRLY BITS. Also the fact that we had a thoughtful discussion of how to protect the super-sensitive girly skin from searing dye and peroxide. PEROXIDE, OH MY GOD.
And then I will tell you that she recently learned how to sculpt women’s remaining decorative hair into the shape of a Tiffany box, and how awesome would it be to turn a woman’s crotch into a baby blue Tiffany box? Can you think of anything more fun? Because I can’t. Unless — wait — unless that baby blue Tiffany box was adorned with crystals, which her class next weekend is teaching her how to (oh my God) weave into the landing strip — I mean, Tiffany box.
“I can make a Tiffany box with a diamond! A man could propose to a woman that way!”
Oh, my lovely, not-too-bright waxer. No, he can’t. Because I am pretty sure — just a guess — that the future fiancee might realize her girly bits were being ripped out, dyed and adorned with a diamond ring. I’m just … well, I don’t know.
And beyond that, there’s no point in typing anything else, because I don’t even know what else to say, except I didn’t get the baby blue Tiffany box with crystals, I hope that much is clear. My special lady area, as Emily so hilariously put it one day, remains unadorned.
*Hee! Deep Blue Something. Oh, I’m cracking myself up here. Also, my friend Heather and I once drove from Pennsylvania to Syracuse and back three times during college and listened to nothing but that song, oh my God. But I still have it.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
31 Comments Add your own
1. Swistle | September 4th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
You know, I don’t….I just–. And what if HE had it done to HIS–…but then…. And when people asked for the sweet story of the proposal, then you’d…. And also….but…..
2. Emily | September 4th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
I just can’t do the waxing for anything other than special occasions. I’ve done it three times, but the first was the most horrific – I clunked the waxer in the head with my boot. YES, I WAS STILL WEARING MY KNEE-HIGH BOOTS WHILE GETTING MY SPECIAL LADY AREA TAKEN CARE OF.
Shameful.
Also? Don’t have a baby. They get baby acne! Do you know how hard it is to not pop baby zits? Oh, it is HARD. It is SO HARD. It is like the hardest thing in the whole wide world but I managed, somehow. Although I have popped one or two of Dave’s while he was asleep. I know. I am so gross.
3. jonniker | September 4th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
Only two comments, and I can’t stop snorting, because SWISTLE OH MY GOD, I thought about that. Except … well, except WHERE would the box be on a dude? Oh my God never mind. I’m cringing. Cringing and snorting and giggling. But mostly cringing.
As for you, Emily, I … I’m speechless and in full-on hysterics, because YOU WERE WEARING BOOTS. And further, do you know that I debate EVERY TIME, whether to leave my shoes on or not? I mean, there’s no point in wearing them of course, because it’s not like I’m wearing pants, so if there’s some kind of emergency where I need to run out, it’s not like the shoes will come in handy.
BOOTS. YOU WERE WEARING BOOTS. I can’t stop laughing. I CANNOT STOP.
4. aly | September 4th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
…………………. diamonds?!
my husband would be absolutely perplexed AND I WOULD HAVE TO SHOW EVERYONE. neither of which is a good thing.
and kudos to emily and her boots b/c hot damn if i could find a pair of knee high boots that went over my fat calves I WOULD NEVER TAKE THEM OFF EITHER.
also? i dont believe you about the bikini waxing. the one time i got it done? there were bleeding AND SWELLING. no, no, no, never again, ever ever.
5. Atremisia | September 4th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Oh, dear Lord. I am snorting and crying my eyes out! Good grief – my weird-ass squeally, get-a-running-start and wind-up laugh is TAKING OVER MY BODY.
Thank you, thank you for such happy delirium in an otherwise crappy day.
Deep Blue Something – that was genius. Genius.
Oh, and I am so sorry little Sunny isn’t feeling well. Sending get-well wishes her way!
6. Maya | September 4th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
As sorry as I am for Sunny, I am more sorry for you (who regularly submits to the special waxing of the special bits) and I (who may or may not have purposely waxed a particularly sensitive strip of my own special bits and plans to do, ahem, a more thorough job, soon).
And most of all for aestheticians everywhere, who have to wax every hoo-ha that comes through the door. With or without tall boots on, with a little laugh at/for Emily. Who is a funny, funny gal.
Also, I cannot stand an unpopped zit either. Gross, I know.
7. Allison | September 5th, 2007 at 4:52 am
I am with you on the ear cleaning. Our first cat had some horrible ear problems that required cleaning with peroxide. I wrapped him all up like a burrito (gleefully, I might add) and cleaned away!
Also, Maggie’s ears? Her ear…gunk is not like mine. I usually have to use tweezers. Very satisfying.
8. Sadie | September 5th, 2007 at 5:44 am
Oh dear God, where to begin with this?
Okay, first, your dog, albeit cute, sounds really ‘fluid-y.” With the assplosions and the anal gland leakage and the earwax and the zits…what I’m trying to say is, if my dog required as much maintenance and cleanup as yours, he might be sitting in the pound right now. Or “on a farm” somewhere. I don’t think I can be a mother, btw.
Second, I got my first Brazilian wax a couple months ago and I felt a whole lot like Steve Carell in The 40-Year-Old Virgin…although I think I managed to scream “Kelly Clarkson!!” only in my head. I know they tell you it gets easier each time, but that one time was just…enough. I’m good. I’ll take your word for it.
9. Lawyerish | September 5th, 2007 at 5:59 am
Zits exist to be popped. There’s just no way around that. Eye crust has to be picked out, ear wax must be Q-tipped away. Oh, yes. It is all very satisfying.
I have no words for the Tiffany waxing.
10. Blythe | September 5th, 2007 at 6:15 am
Many many years ago when Rosie O’Donnell had her own talk show, I saw her actually squeeze a blackhead in some male celebrity’s ear. Then she announced that “You’re either a picker or you’re not, and if you are, there’s no controlling yourself.” I think it speaks volumes that I recall the picking and the comment (To which I said, oh yes, and I’m one too), but can’t for the life of me remember whose zit she squeezed on television.
Also, is it wrong that my first reaction to the Tiffany box proposal story was, “Wow, it would be weird to show up to propose with some random, waxed, be-ribboned spokesmodel to help present one’s beloved with an engagement ring from the model’s nether regions.” In other words, kind of like those women on Deal or No Deal, but with something ELSE instead of suitcases.
What is it about you that inspires me to share way too much of my innermost musings?
11. p|b | September 5th, 2007 at 6:54 am
Best. Post. Ever.
Special Bonus?
Best. Comments. EVER.
12. blacksheeped | September 5th, 2007 at 6:56 am
This had me giggling until I cried, and also, boots? Emily! Boots?
I’ve only had my eyebrows waxed, and my skin had a bad reaction and I got all swollen and rashy and oozy. I can not imagine doing that to my girly bits, let alone putting on dye.
This was glorious.
13. jonniker | September 5th, 2007 at 6:58 am
Y’all. Guess what was on the radio the second I got in the car this morning? BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S.
I died.
Except that I was already dead from Blythe’s comment. BAHAHAHAHA. YES.
14. Suebob | September 5th, 2007 at 7:13 am
All of you, Jonniker AND commenters, make my life worth living. I want you to know that.
And I am a picker. Stuff must be eradicated, that’s all there is to it.
15. Laurel | September 5th, 2007 at 9:31 am
I get delighted when I pop zits and I have this weird split-second desire to actually HOLD ONTO the gross nasty stuff that oozes out. The needs to save it flashes in my mind because it feels like such an accomplishment.
I’ve never done it though…rationality always swoops in at the crucial moment.
16. Beth | September 5th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Blackhead eradication, yes. I get it. And I have tortured my son since birth, surreptiously pinching and skritching at him periodically for six years until he finally punched me in the face. To be honest, I would’ve punched me in the face, too. But he has a lovely little face that I can’t stand to see marred by blackheads (which he seems to get when he wears sunblock nonstop). Maybe I should take up knitting instead. ;^)
17. Kari | September 5th, 2007 at 11:48 am
I am not a picker and am trying so very hard to understand you types.
I was one of those parroting that it gets less painful the more times you do it and although I know better, I now haven’t gone for two months. I am in for world of pain.
Also, my waxer won me over to the Brazilian side by intellectualizing the whole experience. Waxing as a feminist issue, indicating that women are more comfortable asking for and receiving oral sex. She is the absolute best in this city and has become a good friend, which is just a wee bit awkward (and probably explains the two month delay).
18. Ang | September 5th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Jonniker, you are so so so hilarious – haven’t laughed this hard in forever.
I have never had the bits waxed – but I have had a bit of laser hair removal – also on the painful side – I always have to warn the girl that I’m going to be yelling. And I doubt they have sound-proof rooms at the dermatologist!
And I am totally a picker – I miss the non-sunblock era, when everyone would get 2nd degree burns, and you could peel the skin off in sheets….ahhhhh…..
19. Andrea | September 5th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
I am also a picker, but I maintain that there are certain degrees of picking. For instance, I’m not as much of a zealous picker as my sister is. I can let something go unpicked if I know that, oh God, letting it fester will mean a better chance at getting it all. You know what I mean? Like a particularly difficult zit, if you can’t get it all, will just reform and grow again, requiring picking again. If you let it go for a bit, then when it is finally ripe (oh mah gawd!) the force of the explosion of grossness that comes out virtually guarantees that you’ve gotten to the core (I’m dying. I have died!) of it and it won’t come back.
As for picking around on my dog, I usually don’t. But once a really long time ago, I ran my hand over her back and felt a bump that wasn’t there earlier that week. Upon investigation, I discovered Mt. Vesuvius on her back and could. not. resist. Then, when I popped it, what can only be described as a pea shaped and sized ball came out of it (the core!) and it turns out that it was a boil of some sort and that by popping it, I had saved my dog some serious pain as it would have infected monstrously should the “pea skin” have broken open inside her skin. I also saved myself some money on the vet and medicine it would have required. As it was, it healed much like a popped zit and I just washed it over the next couple days to make sure it didn’t get infected again. See? Popping zits can be beneficial. And now I check her back regularly for another boil, just in case.
And Laurel? I’m DYING at your comment! The accomplishment of it all. Hee!
And I think I’ve hijacked the comments enough to just not say anything about the Tiffany Box (is that pun intended?) proposal. Although it would be funny to have the “lawn” died green and have a tattoo of a man mowing the lawn. Of course, that would only be funny on someone else. How would you explain that to an OB/GYN? And seriously, I’m considering a wax because the bigger my belly gets with this pregnancy, the harder and more awkward it is to reach when I’m shaving and I don’t want to be an unkempt gorilla when I go into labor, but really, I’m too scared because of the pain of it all.
20. chirky | September 5th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
OMG, I would be so frightened to let anyone touch that area with wax. But with dye? And peroxide? And crystals? A WEAVE? God help me, but I’m intrigued and perplexed and my heart is beating fast because I’m imagining how it must hurt for someone to pull that hair into a weave.
OUCH.
Still, I’m wishing Dallas had waxers like yours. Can you ask her for recommendations next month, if you think of it, just in case she knows of someone in the profession out here? I’m sure they’re somewhere, I just don’t know where to find them.
21. Sue | September 5th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
You had me right up until the Tiffany box.
22. metalia | September 5th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Oh, I am firmly in the “blackheads must die” camp. And the “special lady area” waxing discussion is KILLING me, particularly in light of the fact that I just learned from Maliavale (http://maliavale.com/?p=810) that there exists a “facial” for this region. It costs $95. NINETY FIVE DOLLARS to pamper your Notorious V.A.G. What is this world coming to?
23. Suebob | September 5th, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Notiorious VAG. Snort.
24. Mauigirl52 | September 5th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
LOL about it all. And yes, I am a picker, am picking one on my chin right this moment while I’m reading this!
I have to confess never having submitted to waxing. Not being apt to appear in a bikini means no bikini wax. It does have its advantages!
25. Sarcomical | September 5th, 2007 at 11:28 pm
um, i’m sorry. i barely got past ‘bodily crusts’. after that everything went blurry.
26. Penny | September 6th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
A secretly delicious memory of mine is breastfeeding my daughter while CLEANING HER EARS. I love wax mining.
27. Leah | September 6th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
I hope Tiffany’s knows about the Tiffany box. I would be as gleeful as I was when Kevin Bacon did those Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon commercials for some credit card(?) and I was all OMG HE KNOWS! Things like that bring me joy.
28. blacksheeped | September 8th, 2007 at 9:39 am
We saw a pug at our new vet’s office this morning and it was snorfling and jolly, and our big dog and the pug got all whimpery and crazy and obviously wanted to make out. It was weird. Also, pugs are cute, if noisy and sinus issue plagued.
Oh!
Sorry.
I was trying to say, I thought of your blog when I saw the awesome pug. The end.
29. Gentry | September 9th, 2007 at 1:42 am
I’m getting a wax tomorrow, and I shall scream your name instead of my usual “putain de merde!” (which translates to “whore of shit”).
And shouldn’t someone scholarly or at least Cosmo investigate this picking phenomenon. I love cleaning my cat’s tonenails. Napoléon’s ears sparkle like the top of the Chrystler building. If only I could get to my own ear blackheads….it’s my eternal cross to bear.
And two other words that will be music to your ears and heart: Ingrown hairs. Love em.
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