The Circus

Am I the only person who doesn’t find Sarah Silverman funny? I never have, honestly. It’s not just the Britney Spears thing, although really, kicking someone when they’re down, and I don’t know, IN THE ROOM, isn’t something that thrills me. It’s just that when Jesus is Magic came out, everyone was all, “Sarah Silverman is so funny! And she’s so hot!”

And I just … well, I didn’t, because I just think she’s mean, and really … base … and not particularly intelligent, no matter how ironically she tries to portray her humor. And really, I promise, I thought this before Sunday night. I mean, look, dude, I have a mean streak, and God knows I’m capable of not-so-shining moments of moral superiority, but honestly, the genre of comedians who do nothing but push the envelope and cross the line do nothing for me, and I don’t think it’s smart comedy (there were times I disliked Dave Chapelle for the same reason, though I mostly liked him). Maybe that makes me … not smart, and I’m sure it means on some level, I don’t get it, but I’m kind of happy not to get it. Stuff it, Sarah Silverman.

Anyway! On with my own base humor! I find it ironic (OH THE IRONIC IRONY) that I purchased blush at Sephora today from a woman who was sporting a thick, luxurious mustache — I mean, you could pet this sucker, and maybe braid it — given that part of what Sephora is selling is the expertise and the … experience and the illusion. A MUSTACHE, oh my God, seriously? Please? You are there to sell me beauty products. Beauty TOOLS, no less — the kind of tools that can remove facial hair. And while personal beauty isn’t a requirement of the SAs, really it isn’t, you might sell more blush if you wax the mustache, is what I’m saying. I just …. well, she was very nice, and I bought my blush (Nars Orgasm, for those who care), but the mustache lingers.

Random beauty aside: You know how Orgasm is universally flattering and easy to wear and all that rot? I implore you, do not expect the same level of universal goodness from the lipgloss of the same name, for it is … well, it is not flattering on me, unless I’m aiming for Corpse-Like and Lipless. Also, whatever you do, don’t try to use Philosophy Three-in-Ones as a shampoo, no matter how desperate you are, because your hair, it will die. It’s not even a good bubble bath either. So Philosophy One-in-One is really what it is. Oh, how they lie.

Also, oh my God, I also experienced the, um, helpful shoe SA at Nordies who was wearing hotpants and metallic high-heeled platforms and, when I professed that I was seeking dark patent red peep toes, spent at least 10 minutes trying to sell me a pair of clear red plastic superthick platforms. To go with this dress, mind you. Which, unless my name is Mysti, and I spend my nights moonlighting with a set of pasties, isn’t remotely appropriate. And now, because I used the name Mysti, at least twelve Mystis will send me angry e-mails because I called them strippers. Do you know why this will happen? Because when I wrote a post about my dislike for Ben Folds, the wife of one of his former band members (yeah, um, from Ben Folds Five. AM SMOOTH) announced herself (quite gracefully, I might add, BUT STILL), such is my luck.

Mystis of the world, reveal yourselves!

Also, while I’m at it, can we talk about the horror that is long nails on men? And why is it that it’s always the pinky nail? My waiter at my favorite local (read: only) sushi restaurant placed his long, yellowed nail in front of me this evening, like some kind of hardened urine droplet — no, no, PEE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER — along with my spicy tuna rolls, and for a moment, I thought I wouldn’t make it.

It’s always the pinky. Why the pinky? Is it for added elegance while drinking tea? Is it used as some kind of tool to remove rogue mustaches from Sephora employees?

Happy Wednesday! For my part, it’s the last day of the week for me. Happy!

*Erasure

39 comments September 11th, 2007