Glad Tidings
September 20th, 2007
Lately, I find myself increasingly repulsed by the very existence of lettuce. Not sweet butter lettuce all delicately torn into pretty wooden salad bowls, but iceberg lettuce that’s shredded and haphazardly tossed atop sandwich buns. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing more disgusting than hot wilted lettuce, and I can’t stop gagging at the memory of my lunchtime sandwich, the vision of the hot, sticky lettuce triggering my gag reflex over and over again. It gets darker green! And hot and wilty!
Hot lettuce. Oh my God, I can’t stop thinking about it. HOT LETTUCE.
(Note how I sadly, and completely ungracefully, managed to work lunch into this — a screaming faux pas, I’m aware — but seriously: HOT LETTUCE OMG I MIGHT DIE.)
While we’re on the subject of food, Adam and I were wondering: how many people, do you think, get dessert out at a restaurant? Do you get dessert when you go out to eat? Granted, we eat out far more than your average couple (>4 days each week — remember, he works from home and must get out or die), but we never do, and my God, the way that our waitresses glare at us with white-hot glares of glarey, dessertless death, you’d think we decided to forgo entrees and subsist on coffee and free water with extra lemons, and please, do you have any more rolls?
Which led me to wonder when people opt for dessert, because it is a rare occasion that I’ll agree to a dessert out, and it almost *always* involves creme brulee, as I don’t own my own torchey thing, and with good reason, as I would almost certainly bring the home to a state of rubble. I’m not against dessert, you see, it’s just that I like it much later than dinner, and scarfed down at home in my pajamas.
By the way, I realize that there are all of three of you who care, but Casey. Casey is my favorite to win Top Chef, and I hope she wipes the floor with Hung’s classically trained ass and sends him packing for his glorious, glorious mushroom world.
And with this sad, sad and utterly pathetic effort at trying to write something remotely coherent, I’ve got to go to bed. I’m trying not to drool from exhaustion, as I just (as in, five minutes ago) wrapped up a humongous freelance project, and I’m coming off of one of the busiest, most stressful few months in my professional history. I’m ready for next week, but first, I am so beyond in need of a weekend that involves fruity drinks and maybe a foot massage.
Happy weekend!
Van Morrison
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
31 Comments Add your own
1. Jennie | September 20th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
I hope you get the fruity drinks! And the massage! (Simultaneously.)
(I had to spellcheck simultaneously.)
When I was little, we’d order dessert out a LOT. And then as I started going out to eat with non-family members, I discovered not many other families eat dessert. So I slowly stopped. Honestly, I would order it after every meal if I thought 1) my bank account or 2) my jeans would forgive me. And they won’t, I know.
So I eat 100-calorie packs when I get home. While missing my childhood LIKE CRRR-AZY.
2. Style Bard | September 20th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
Yay Casey! I’m with you there. Is it even a contest anymore? I think it stopped being a contest when Trey left.
Being a waitress for 3 years in the past, I can say that…. generally, for the most part, I’d rather you take your check and get your asses out of my booth. Because I wanna turn the table over and get another family in before I clock out. The two of you splitting one dessert for $4.99 and enjoying it for 30 minutes isn’t worth my time. And in several restaurants, this will also involve me personally stopping everything to plate the dessert because no, the cooks don’t do that for the wait staff. We cut the pie and scoop the ice cream and make the pretty raspberry sauce swirls. (Sometimes there is a meeting about this, for training purposes.)
On the flip side, if you’re a large party, I want all twelve of you to STAY. Order 7 desserts to share! Someone is going to want coffee, and then everyone will want coffee, yay! That can actually add to my tip. And also? Sometimes I just need a friggin’ break, so going into the walk-in to get the whipped cream, and making the little swirlies and adding the layer of cookie is like meditation in the midst of a heavy shift.
3. Jennifer | September 20th, 2007 at 10:18 pm
Wow, the Style-Bard has a unique perspective on the dessert-ordering!
I usually don’t order desserts at a restaurant after dinner. I’m usually too stuffed full of dinner.
*BUT* one of my favorite things to do is: after we have made early dinner home, walk into town and sit in the bar at a nice restaurant and order foofy coffee drinks plus big lavish desserts, then waste an hour’s time lingering over them.
So – love “dessert out” but not right after “dinner out.” Does that make any sense?
And – hot/wilted lettuce, yeah kinda gross. But some restaurants advertise that, you know? “seared salmon with walnut sauce on bed of wilted lettuce.” Have you seen that?
4. Daily Tragedies | September 20th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Dessert at a restaurant — special occasions only. Like Jennie, that’s largely inspired by wanting to wear the clothes currently in my closet. Also, not having to roll myself home. Honestly, after a meal out, I’d rather just box up the dessert to have some other night that I’ve microwaved a Boca Burger and put it on a plate next to salad-from-a-bag and called it dinner.
5. MsPrufrock | September 20th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
Thank you for bringing up hot, wilted lettuce. I’m torn between being happy that you have shined a light on this most unnatural and disgusting occurance, and ill because I don’t even like thinking about it. Ew.
6. Sadie | September 21st, 2007 at 5:50 am
When you mentioned hot lettuce, I immediately thought of the completely colorless, warm, limpid leaf I fished out of my Wendy’s chicken sandwich the other day. The lettuce that fast food joints put on sandwiches/burgers is laughable, like “something vaguely green is on this bun! look, healthy!”
Though, it’s not hot lettuce I take issue with. Yesterday I got a Subway sandwich and I kept pulling long, too-thick crunchy shards of translucent iceberg off my sub. Is it too much to ask for some nice, cool, green leafiness?! WTF.
Also, as a former waitress myself, Style Bard has nailed it. on the head. And the only time I order dessert out at a restaurant, is a special occasion where we’re at an expensive restaurant and planning to stay for hours to metabolize the massive amounts of cocktails/wine we’ve ordered. The dessert kind of helps so you don’t stumble drunkenly when you leave.
7. Lawyerish | September 21st, 2007 at 6:10 am
I only get dessert when it’s a Big Night Out kind of dinner, which usually means we’re at Gramercy Tavern, where it’s a prix fixe menu so dessert is part of the whole Experience.
Mind you, even on a little quiet Sunday night dinner out, I wouldn’t mind getting dessert, but the Hubs has a pathological aversion to lingering at restaurants unless it’s an aforementioned Big Night Out. So usually dessert takes place at home, although if I’m lucky maybe we’ll pass an ice cream or gelato place on the walk home so I can grab something.
8. Swistle | September 21st, 2007 at 6:55 am
1) Grosser is lettuce that accidentally got frozen, and has now thawed. GAG GAG GAG
2) I notice that, really, it’s only ONE SINGLE PERSON who declared that no one cares what we had for lunch. The rest of us, we seem to care.
3) I never have room for dessert. I may have room an hour later for, say, an entire pint of Dove Give In To Mint, but I don’t have room in the restaurant.
9. Amity | September 21st, 2007 at 7:24 am
Initially I was pulling for CJ and Dale. I was SO sad to see CJ go. I still like Dale, but I don’t really think he has a chance at winning. Casey has really grown on me, so now she’s my pick, too. And I 2nd your emotions about Hung.
I probably get dessert about 40-50% of the time that I eat out for dinner. I understand your feelings about wanting to eat dessert from home in your pajamas. Sometimes, if a restaurant dessert sounds awesome and easily portable (no ice cream involved), I’ll get it to-go and then I have it for later. (Esp. Cheesecake Factory!!)
10. Amity | September 21st, 2007 at 7:28 am
Oh yeah, and I have no shame in ordering one dessert to share with my dining companion(s). I’m sure that makes for a happy server, too!
11. Suebob | September 21st, 2007 at 7:49 am
1. The only thing I miss about not having TV is Top Chef. Oh, and The Office. Maybe the Daily Show and Colbert. And a few other reality shows. Can you see why I no longer have TV? I don’ t have tiiiiime.
2. Hot lettuce. Oh. In my mind it is all tangled up with that time I got salmonella from a vegetarian burrito at El Mirador in Pismo Beach and it had….shredded lettuce on it. Hot lettuce all mixed with refried beans and cheese….it was gross eating it and then I spent an agonizing 24 hours getting rid of it and another 3 days unable to look at anything stronger than Pedialyte. So, no.
3. Dessert. I am with you on the creme brulee – I get it maybe once every 3 years, really, but I think about it all the time. I am not really that big of a dessert fan. I love me some shortbread cookies (real butter ones) but ice cream, cake etc usually don’t do it for me. I’d rather get my massive amounts of calories from pizza or cheese or olives or cheese (did I mention cheese?)
Hope your weekend is relaxing.
12. Andrea | September 21st, 2007 at 7:51 am
My waitressing stint may not count since it was as a waitress at a country club (as in membership only, and you had to “qualify” so that they could keep it exclusively snooty). However, I never minded if people ordered dessert or not. I secretly dreaded it, because dessert was done tableside, and I? Am clumsy. There was a brass-railed cart with 6 or 7 different desserts and I was responsible for wheeling the cart to the table without running over feet or purses and getting the dessert from cart to table flawlessly. Without spilling. Or shaking. Or dropping. So yeah, I liked having the extra tip money dessert could generate, but I would secretly be relieved if they ordered anything more than the Strawberries with Rebecca Sauce (and OMG what I wouldn’t give for some Strawberries with Rebecca Sauce ~ named after the girl who invented the sauce and it. was. divine), which could be plated up easily, though I still managed to roll a few strawberries across the floor.
However, tip generating there was different, since everything was billed to a member’s account, and if they didn’t want to tip, they had to write a zero in the tip line. Otherwise it was assumed that 15% would be added to the check. I got stiffed much less there than I would have anywhere else, so some people have debated me that I wasn’t really a waitress because I got more than minimum wage before tips and tips were nearly automatic. Whatev. I still had to bring food to the table, and the prim and properness of it all along with the fact that I had to wear what amounted to a skirted tuxedo all while pampering the rich and richer in my hometown countered the guaranteed money. And I had to remember names and drink preferences, as a rule, not the exception. Because they were ALL regulars.
Now, eating out, I’m mostly an appetizer girl, and only get dessert when dining with my parents, who usually don’t get appetizers. One or the other, so I don’t really notice any glares.
13. karamarie | September 21st, 2007 at 8:39 am
I get dessert out very rarely. Normally because I’m too full. I often say I am going to, at the onset of the meal, but rarely follow through on my dessert intentions, unless PMS is involved. Or if I’m at that point of tipsy where dessert sounds AWESOME, OH MY GOSH we should get DESSERT.
14. My Buddy Mimi | September 21st, 2007 at 8:53 am
Yay, I like Casey too.
We usually note the places with good desserts and go out for just dessert sometimes. With the size of the portions and the size of the desserts at some places, I can’t usually eat both.
15. Jamie | September 21st, 2007 at 9:02 am
Sean and I only get dessert if we’re at a nicer restaurant, usually because most nice restaurants offer something that is both flourless and chocolate on the dessert menu. It’s the only thing he’ll eat, and he actually allows me to pick at it (it’s usually too rich and I could never finish one by myself).
As for dessert at fast food establishments, no way. Ick.
16. Audrey | September 21st, 2007 at 9:16 am
I almost never get dessert out. I am always way too full from my entree to even consider dessert. And that’s okay with me, because I’m not much of a dessert person anyway. I’d rather fully enjoy every last bite of my entree than try to save room for some sticky sweet thing.
If I do get dessert out, it’s usually because I’ve gone out specifically for dessert and bypassed the entree entirely.
I recently went out with my in-laws and the whole dessert tray explanation was this huge production with our waitress just walking right up, interrupting our meal and our conversation, and taking 15 minutes to explain every last dessert. Which we had never even asked her to do. I was really, really put off by that. I’m all for seeing the dessert menu/tray if I ask to see it, but please don’t barge in uninvited and disrupt the meal I’m trying to share with my family.
17. Kathryn | September 21st, 2007 at 10:11 am
Ugh, I am so with you on the lettuce thing. Friends and family think I’m a little bit weird when I get going on one of my rants about it, but come on! It ruins a perfectly good sandwich! It’s disgusting and gross and for some reason, hot lettuce tastes like peanut butter to me. I’m making myself gag over here just thinking about it.
I refuse to even have it on the plate–those nasty little shreds always end up making their way into a perfectly good food, and I never know when I’m going to get a big ole’ bite of hot iceberg. Foul.
On the other hand, I’m sitting here enjoying a lovely butter lettuce salad right now. And I’m really not a picky person about other foods!
18. Artemisia | September 21st, 2007 at 10:54 am
Yay, for closure on a few work projects! I hope you do whatever the hell you want this weekend.
If I’ve managed not to completely and utterly overeat during the course of a meal, then I order dessert. But only if there are desserts on the menu that would either fail miserably if I were to try and make them at home or if I’ve never heard of them. Yay for gastronomic adventures!
If tiramisu is on the menu, I always order it as I can never get the proportion of lady fingers to brandy correct. And it is a dessert that incorporates cheese into it. CHEESE. How can I not order it?
19. el-e-e | September 21st, 2007 at 12:21 pm
more than 3 care about Casey! I am one! Go Casey. (Though I’m surprised that Hung really doesn’t seem to be despised by the other contestants, like I thought he would, at the beginning of the show. Him and his cocky self.)
I think where my sister waitressed, they did tip-sharing? So if she sold a full meal — drinks, apps, entrees, desserts — she got more? Or something like that. Or I could be making it up. But I’m usually a no dessert at restaurants girl. (Until this pregnancy.)
20. velocibadgergirl | September 21st, 2007 at 12:24 pm
I’m a Dale fan, but I wouldn’t mind Casey winning. She’s toned down her drama-queenyness really well over the last few weeks.
We almost never have room for dessert when we eat out, so I’d tell those glarey waitresses that if they want me to eat dessert they might try getting their cooks to serve normal single-human-sized portions, instead of giving me plates that could feed four of me. I did need (need, I say) chocolate the other night, so I had a side salad and half of an appetizer for “dinner” and saved room for a double slice of cake the size of my head. DROOL.
And finally? Hot wilty lettuce on sandwiches makes me want to ralph, too. SLIMY HOT LETTUCE OMG *dies*
21. Val | September 21st, 2007 at 1:02 pm
If I had the metabolism I had when I was 22, I would order desserts out all the time. I love, LOVE desserts of all shapes and sizes. But, alas, those days have gone, and now you may as well just smear those calories right on my ass. So, the times are few and far between when I order dessert in a restaurant.
And Casey is definitely my favorite too. Hung is so smug that I’d have a hard time not punch-a-sizing his face if I had to work with him. I really liked CJ and was sad to see him go, although I think I liked him more because of his freakish height.
22. TwoBusy | September 21st, 2007 at 4:21 pm
I still think Howie should have won the whole thing.
23. Trina | September 21st, 2007 at 4:58 pm
I almost never eat dessert out because I stuff myself on an appetizer, salad, and an entree. There’s just no room for dessert.
And I think Hot Lettuce (or HOT LETTUCE) would be a fabulous name for a band.
24. jonniker | September 21st, 2007 at 6:08 pm
TB: Howie? HOWIE AND THE NEVERENDING PORK?
No way. If anyone who has gone before should have won, it would be either Tre or Lia. I LOVED Lia.
25. K | September 21st, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Another creme brulee lover here…..last year on my birthday I ordered dinner only to get to the creme brulee. They ran out. The waitress told me the people next to us had “pre-ordered” their dessert when they came in. Who does that?
I rarely get dessert, but ALWAYS if creme brulee is on the menu.
And I hate soggy, hot lettuce also. Gagging.
Enjoy that relaxing weekend!
26. TwoBusy | September 22nd, 2007 at 5:58 pm
You say that only because you fear the pork.
27. clickmom | September 22nd, 2007 at 6:07 pm
OMG, my weird aunt who likes to host dinner parties went through this wilted letttuce phase (intentional!), and gag, I hear you on that one. I know that icy stare too, we rarely get dessert out and with a fmaily of 5 that makes a hefty tip difference.
28. Gentry | September 23rd, 2007 at 4:18 am
I usually only get dessert when I got out for lunch. That way I have the rest of the day to work it off. And I always get a starter. But portions are so much smaller here in France.
And am I wierd because I like wilted lettuce when it’s combined with mayonaise and something crispy. It’s my favorite part of say, a Mc Chicken sandwhich.
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I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting
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[...] Glad Tidings | Jonniker. [...]
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