I Ran
September 23rd, 2007
I made good on my fruity drink promise of Friday, as we went away for the weekend to Clearwater/St. Petersburg to see a playoff-clinching Red Sox/Devil Rays game and stay at a comfy fancypants resort on the beach. It was lovely, our seats were ridiculously awesome (the players could hear me if I yelled loud enough, I swear. It was wicked, wicked cool) and the game was actually exciting, except for the fact that Tito hasn’t figured out that Dice-K is a six-inning pitcher, period, so please pull him after the sixth inning. It will come back to haunt us in the playoffs, mark my words. We will have another Grady Little/Pedro situation, oh my God, WE WILL.
But I digress!
Do you know what’s in Clearwater, other than beaches and fancypants resorts? Scientology headquarters. As in, L. Ron Hubbard’s Scientology — the religion that arguably transformed Tom Cruise into a man who uses the word “glib” on national television and made John Travolta agree to star in Battlefield: Earth. And um, oh my God, y’all.
The headquarters themselves are entirely unassuming, and part of me thinks we might have missed them if not for the sudden sight of this:
Oh hi, Scientologists! That’s the first of three bus loads of Scientologists in uniform — I’m told they were students. And oh my God, the whole uniform thing was extraordinarily disconcerting and y’all, they were all wearing the same navy pants/short sleeve shirt combo and this crazy regulation belt! They were all wearing THE SAME BELT. And special pagers! They need pagers?
I don’t even know how to explain the bizarre details of the rest of our encounter, but it involved an unhappy Scientology guard who left us with a veiled threat to confiscate our camera if we took any more photos by simply saying “the others” wouldn’t like it. “The others” also wouldn’t like us being there, so maybe we should move along, unless we’d like a sanctioned tour for a hefty fee? I might also add that he indicated that he’d been watching us take pictures from as far as two blocks away, which is even … well, it’s even creepier.
Um, seriously.
I might add, too, that when we left the vicinity, we kept seeing belted Scientology students lurking around every corner, and we got the distinct, if paranoid, sense that we were being watched and/or followed by aspiring operating thetans. Or maybe it’s just that they were everywhere, because they really were, though I’m told that’s just downtown Clearwater. They were all belted and pagered and navy panted, except for a few people in khakis, who had clearly been promoted to a different enlightenment level and granted permission to wear khakis with their regulation belts.
I’m not one to make any sort of judgments on anyone’s religious beliefs — in fact, I don’t think I ever have. It’s just that honestly, the whole experience was just … well, it was a little creepy. And admittedly, I am very skeptical of L. Ron Hubbard and his purported comments about religion-as-business, not to mention the enormous costs involved in being a Scientologist — it’s my understanding that even the most rudimentary levels of enlightenment can cost tens of thousands of dollars. And the belt! THE REGULATION BELT!
And it sort of grates my cheese that the guard was so weird about the whole thing, because honestly, I can’t imagine any religious headquarters that *isn’t* seen as some sort of tourist attraction, so why the secrecy? And further, why the regulation belt?
And even further, I’m fairly certain that the guard wasn’t so stoked about us after he got wind that we took this photo, which is, um, me doing a rather bad version of the Vulcan salute (the thumb! I messed up the thumb!) in front of the church, but come on, man, it’s kind of hard to resist, because again: BATTLEFIELD EARTH.
I just … I don’t know. I just know that I can’t get over the belt. I don’t think I would wear the belt.
Other than that, we had a fantastic weekend. I hope you had a great one as well. Happy Monday!
*Flock of Seagulls … or Scientologists, if you prefer.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
25 Comments Add your own
1. leenie | September 23rd, 2007 at 7:36 pm
oh, i went to clearwater in july and just loved loved the beach and water and (mostly) the ‘i don’t live here, and have nothing to do!’ vibe.
no scientology sightings though, boo.
2. Jennie | September 23rd, 2007 at 8:17 pm
This changes all of my current LOST theories.
3. My Buddy Mimi | September 23rd, 2007 at 8:27 pm
You went all the way to Clearwater and skipped the original Hooters restaurant?
4. Christine | September 23rd, 2007 at 9:05 pm
BWAHAHA, oh Scientology…how you make me laugh. And man, while I am pretty PC on the religion front, I just cannot take that one too seriously. I mean, dude, Thetans.
Do they have hell? Because certainly there is a spot reserved for me there.
5. Suebob | September 23rd, 2007 at 9:32 pm
What kind of religion PROMOTES you to wearing khaki pants? Khakis should always be a demotion. Now, that red cloak you get when you become a cardinal, THAT is doing promotion right, from a fashion viewpoint, anyway.
6. Marmite Breath | September 23rd, 2007 at 10:00 pm
Can you imagine if the Vatican guards got all up in your grill for taking pictures?
7. clickmom | September 24th, 2007 at 3:46 am
Oh brave one, you stood on the door step?!?! Weren’t you afraid someone would open that door snatch you up and start the reprogramming process??? Shivers, such courage…..
8. AndreAnna | September 24th, 2007 at 4:09 am
Classic. Purely classic.
9. TwoBusy | September 24th, 2007 at 5:21 am
If you think the belts, pagers and navy pants are odd, you should google Sea Org uniforms — where you’ll see the inner circle of Scientology, all dolled up like a fake Navy.
10. claire | September 24th, 2007 at 5:37 am
oh my god. I was thinking the same thing as Clickmom. That’s incredibly brave of you. I mean, you have no idea what these regulation-belt-wearing-alien-worshipers are capable of.
If Tom and John aren’t enough of an indicator… i think what i’m saying is……. they’re BODY SNATCHERS, Jonna – BODY SNATCHERS.
I hope you cleansed yourself in the nearby ocean. They may still be on your trail… THEY CAN SMELL YOUR DISBELIEF.
great picture, btw. : )
11. Swistle | September 24th, 2007 at 5:48 am
You know, you could turn the belt inside out if you wanted to be SUBVERSIVE.
12. Lawyerish | September 24th, 2007 at 6:11 am
I love how you’re throwing the Vulcan sign all sideways, like a gangsta. Holla.
13. Jess | September 24th, 2007 at 7:27 am
You are SO RIGHT about the Grady/Pedro situation. It is awful to watch Terry Francona let pitcher after pitcher stay in the game so long, when the basis on which he was hired was GET STRUGGLING PITCHERS OUT OF THE GAME STAT. He keeps leaving Gagne in to “clean up his own messes”-slash-give up more home runs and oh God, why hasn’t he figured out that Dice-K MUST COME OUT after the sixth inning? It hurts me to even think it, but this just does not feel like a win-it-all year for us.
14. ali | September 24th, 2007 at 7:36 am
this might be the best story i’ve ever heard.
15. Schnozz | September 24th, 2007 at 7:58 am
CNN! Ha!
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/09/24/scientology.city.ap/index.html
Your fingers, they are on the pulse of the nation.
16. Sadie | September 24th, 2007 at 8:37 am
Lucky you with those killer seats! Sometimes I could swear Gagne is on the Yankees’ payroll, the way he manages to blow leads in the clutch. I refuse to pronounce his name correctly, instead giving him the more appropriate moniker “Gag-me.”
Also, I love the picture in your Flickr where you’re laughing while you feign interest in a touristy picture of yourself in front of the Scientology building.
17. hello insomnia | September 24th, 2007 at 8:48 am
Wait–who still wears pagers?
18. Flibberty | September 24th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Did you see the HUGE houses of Mr. Cruise and Mr. Travolta? They both have ‘em in Clearwater. It’s a pity, that beach is wonderful
19. mar | September 24th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
my bff of 20+ years lives in clearwater & often regales me with her sightings. *shudder* scares me a bit because she’s a social worker & she said she’s had clients who’ve had run-ins with scientologists. you know, since there’s no such thing as mental illness. blar!
20. jonniker | September 24th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
TB: I’ve SEEN the Sea Org uniform! I’VE SEEN IT OMG.
MB: I also thought the same thing about the Vatican. Like they’d THROW DOWN over a chick taking some photos or something. I mean, God. And dude, it’s UNMARKED. What is up with that? WHAT THE HELL?
21. Leah | September 24th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
I think they keep something in their belt buckles. But if not drugs, then what?
22. Suebob | September 24th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Sadie – that’s because Gagne lost his mojo when he left the Dodgers. If you weren’t there, you have no idea what a goose-bump inducing thrill it was to watch him come out all badass to “close” a game, and by “close” I mean, of course, “win decisively.” It was a huge deal and for me Dodgers games haven’t been the same since, garlic fries or no garlic fries.
23. jonniker | September 24th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Suebob: There was a time when Gagne was my favorite player in the MLB because of exactly that. He was this quirky, shy guy who could just light it UP when it came to finishing games.
24. Mauigirl52 | September 24th, 2007 at 8:00 pm
I feel your pain about the Red Sox pitching issue. I was brought up as a Red Sox fan and I can vouch for the fact that even back in the 60′s they never pulled their pitcher soon enough. AND they tried to use the “good” pitcher too many times in a row in the World Series. I’m talking about the 1967 World Series. And the 1975 one too as I recall. They always tried to use their best pitcher for Game 7 when he was still tired and of course always lost. I am still in shock that they finally won in 2004.
As for the Vulcan salute…that was very subtle of you, kinda holding it in front of you like that. Technically it should be up in the air but hey, you didn’t want to attract attention!
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