Public Service Announcement
September 25th, 2007
I’m not sure what kind of spam filtration system allows the words “anal sex” in the name field on comments, but apparently that filtration system is mine, allll mine, and I just spent the last 40 minutes deleting throngs of salacious spammy comments. Thanks, Spam Karma, for all you do!
Anyway! It’s tip time! If I may, I would recommend that you not take liberties with your Hoover FloorMate, meaning maybe you shouldn’t vacuum up cat pee that made its way outside the litter box, even if it’s been doused in Nature’s Miracle. Why? Well, I’m guessing that most of you won’t have to ask this question, for by now, you’ve exclaimed incredulously, “Who would be so stupid? WHO?”
OH HI. And for anyone else who may have thought hey, it vacuums up liquids, why not? Here’s why not: Because every time you vacuum after that one incident, your will spread cat pee molecules, and your entire house will smell like cat pee, which isn’t exactly the kind of fragrance Glade is marketing these days, as Eau de Boycat (with top notes of fecal indoles and a heart of good old-fashioned ammonia!) lacks a certain mass-market appeal.
You’re welcome!
I might also add that our garbage can mysteriously smells like … well, man juice, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Since we just got it yesterday, I can only assume it came like that (A pun!), unless the men at Waste Management were having a bit of fun before they dropped it off, and um, ew. Perhaps more disturbingly, the fragrance seeped into our garage, which then leaches into the car, which results in a drive to work that resembles a romp in a dirty bed at the Bunny Ranch. This is not particularly conducive to drive-time breakfast scarfing, as I’d rather not eat a bagel next to Isabella Soprano, fresh from the office with no time to wash her face.
Aaand, the final cautionary tale of the evening: While taking out our porny garbage tonight, I stepped on a snail, the hard crunch of its shell like an extra-crunchy potato chip, followed by the snot-like consistency of the body it was made to protect, all oozy-like underneath my foot.
My bare foot.
I help where I can.
Hope your Wednesday is everything you hope it to be and then some.
*The Bravery
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
15 Comments Add your own
1. Jennie | September 25th, 2007 at 6:47 pm
The bare foot snail crunch got me. I was making my way through this post, giggling a bit and then: “OH GROSS!”
I think you deserve a pedicure now. A SPA PEDICURE.
2. Beth | September 25th, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Ew, ew, ew! Your poor foot! Did you do a funny dance after you stepped on it, wiping your foot on the grass?
I’m sorry for your bad luck there, but be comforted knowing you made me laugh out loud with the cat pee and “man juice” anecdotes!
3. Kristi | September 25th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Don’t feel too bad about the snail – last Tuesday I stepped on a half-eaten mouse my lovely cat left us for a gift. I can still feel the exact spot on the bottom of my foot that simultaneously touched soft (disease-ridden) mouse fur, and tasty entrails. EWWW!!!! Must. Go, Sanitize. Foot. Again.
4. Kristin H | September 26th, 2007 at 4:58 am
In our old (crapsack) house there were slugs on the sidewalk and at night sometimes…the squishing. O the squishing.
Also! So! much! Jonniker this week! I am afraid I’m getting spoiled and that you’ll suddenly have to start working a ton again and then I will be in Jonnikerwithdrawl. (because it’s all about me, see?) In other words: thank you for the frequent postings this week! i love your blog.
5. TwoBusy | September 26th, 2007 at 5:57 am
Mmm. Snails. Crunchy on the outside… chewy on the inside.
6. Jamie | September 26th, 2007 at 6:31 am
What is it about us and vacuuming up urine? At least yours was liquid, and not partially baking soda paste. Aack. I have a date to dissect my Dyson tomorrow night, and soak all the pieces.
7. Sadie | September 26th, 2007 at 6:50 am
Am I the only one who thinks ‘man juice’ smells kinda like chlorine bleach? *blushes*
8. Andrea | September 26th, 2007 at 6:54 am
Speaking of vacuuming, did you get a new one? What kind did you get?
I once stepped on a cockroach with my be-socked foot. I promptly threw away the pair of socks. I could handle a spider, a grasshopper or even a locust, though maybe not a snail. But a roach sent me over the edge. I think I was attacked by roaches in a previous life. Which is why I’m trying to be a pretty good person in this life, because if reincarnation is real, then I don’t want to be so horrible as to come back as a roach. Shudder.
9. Suebob | September 26th, 2007 at 8:42 am
Jamie and Jonna – there is no force in the universe stronger than cat pee. Those vacuums are goners. I am sorry.
Snail crunching…ooh. That is so bad.
10. Leah | September 26th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Oh my god. Too much fluid in this post! Sticky, gooey, stinky fluid! Too much!
11. H | September 26th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
My Wednesday sucks — actually the entire week has sucked and will continue to suck. So, thanks for the light hearted, chuckle-worthy post!
12. Style Bard | September 26th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
thank you…. having to read “it came like that (a pun!)” seven times before I got it means I can stop fearing for the salvation of my dirty, filthy mind. I’m still kind of pure! (or ridiculously slow)
13. ali | September 27th, 2007 at 8:48 am
i keep getting searches for gangbang. i’m not even sure how that happens…and what prompts those searchers to click over to my site….do you honestly think they are going to find what they are looking for?
14. Dana | September 27th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
One time while taking trash to our dumpster I stepped over a dead white pit bull someone (I’m assuming the Michael Vick on our block) carefully laid by our dumpster. I’d prefer that over your mystery garbage splooge any day. Nast.
15. Mauigirl52 | September 28th, 2007 at 8:48 am
OMG, that would have made me psychotic for the next month. Especially because we have a pit bull of our own who is such a sweetie!
Snails…ewww.
Garbage, ewww.
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