When You Wake Up Feeling Old
October 1st, 2007
First of all, it’s October, and do you know what that means? The penis ghost is coming! The penis ghost is coming! Also, whatever, I’m totally finding a costume for Sunny, I don’t care who mocks us. She will wear something festive. SHE WILL.
We’re digging through the garage now in search of our rogue Halloween decorations — the one holiday we decorate for, every year, as it’s the only one we’re ever here for in its entirety — and oh my God, there are dead! roaches! everywhere! There was lots of screaming, squealing and running away from the dead bodies, because EW ROACHES, and also, does this mean they’re in my house? I’ve never seen one, but the BODIES. THE ROACHY CARNAGE. Heaven help us.
As part of the hunt, I also threw away a purse in the garage that once held a snake that was trapped in our garage, and clearly, it was a doomed purse, because would YOU ever use a purse that once contained a black snake? I think not. Also, do you say purse, pocketbook, handbag or bag? Pocketbook is extremely old-ladyish, and hey, do you know there is an entire LEGION of people who get extremely offended if you use the term “old ladyish,” because it implies that old women are BAD BAD creatures who are no longer viable members of society? Personally, I find the whole notion of semantics to be a little bit ridiculous, because honestly, my mother IS an old lady by some standards, and yet she would not flinch to ask me if something was “old ladyish,” and not in a good way.
I’m not saying that makes it right, I’m just saying … well, I don’t know. I think I’m saying I have better things to do than debate the semantics of the term and what harm it brings to feminism. I might as well use the term “patriarchy” in a sentence with a straight face. I’m sorry. I know this makes me a bad feminist, but seriously, sometimes? I wish we’d focus on more substantive issues, rather than becoming distracted by linguistic signs (oh my God, do we want to talk about Saussure? Ooh ooh — how about Derrida?). (Actually, you know what? TwoBusy LOVES to talk about literary theory. You can discuss further with him!)
Anyway! Hey look, my dad is having hip replacement surgery tomorrow, and I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much. Yes, I’m worried about him, you know, because it’s surgery, and he’s going under and the last time he went under it was because he had cancer, which he thankfully survived. It’s also that it’s hip surgery, and it seems like that stands for some sort of foray into having old parents, and my dad, though no longer invincible (having a dad with colon cancer will do wonders to shatter that image), is barely old enough for hip replacement surgery. That’s for ladies who fall and can’t get up and need buttons to alert the authorities of their mere existence. It’s not for my dad, you know?
And on a lighter — or shall I say doughy– note, I went running one too many times with my wedding rings on, and I developed a (oh my God) yeast infection under my wedding ring and my left finger is branded with a red, flaky crust that won’t go away. The sweat trapped in a moist (OMG) wedding ring with little exposure to the air apparently created the ideal environment for yeast, which means that yeast infections are no longer just for cooches. And guess who’s been smearing Monistat cream all over her fingers? GO ON, GUESS.
And with that, I’m off to ponder Saussure and Derrida (ha HA! Not really, but could you imagine? I shall unlock the mysteries of the sign and the signifier! With illustrations! And I Heart Huckabees! Wait — that’s exisentialism. I mean Adaptation!) and uselessly fret about my dad’s ailing hip and also maybe think about the hotness that is Peter Petrelli and also ask, that chick who plays the Spanish-speaking woman with the creepy eye-bleeding power — is that the same chick who played AJ’s slightly slutty girlfriend Blanca on the Sopranos?
P.S. I just brought a bowl of stinky radishes into bed. Guess who’s not getting any tonight, what with the yeasty finger and toe jam radishes? YUMMAY.
Happy Hip Tuesday! It’s going to be fine. *breathes into paper bag*
*Wilco. Two days in a row.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
28 Comments Add your own
1. Heath | October 1st, 2007 at 6:55 pm
I say pocketbook, precisely because of its old-ladyish connotations. And I would indeed use a pocketbook that had held a blacksnake, if it were a nice pocketbook, like say a Coach bag or something, and provided that the snake was no longer there and had left no material signs (or signifiers! Get it?) of his presence.
Best of luck to your dad in his re-hipping.
2. jonniker | October 1st, 2007 at 7:03 pm
Heath: I should adopt pocketbook, for I find “purse” just as bad. I don’t like a single word that stands for “thing you carry to hold your shit.” “Handbag” is pretentious, “pocketbook” reminds me of my grandma (which isn’t a bad thing) and purse sounds like some sort of container that Robin Hood used to hold pilfered galleons.
3. Mere | October 1st, 2007 at 7:09 pm
First let me tell you I am whacked out on Nyquil, so let us hope I can type.
I had a personal trainer that was on his 4th hip replacement. And at 60 – he was in better shape than anyone was meant to be. The new thing is to outlive your joint replacement. The parts were not designed to work until we were 90. How cool is that?
I bet your dad will feel like a million bucks when he is rocking the new hip!
And it is a purse. Totally.
4. H | October 1st, 2007 at 7:25 pm
Your dad will be fine — really, he will — but I sympathize with your worrying because I am the worrier of all worriers. I know several people who’ve had hip replacements and they feel GREAT after rehab and all that. He’ll be much happier with the new one. Focus on that, while you’re breathing into the paper bag.
5. Mauigirl52 | October 1st, 2007 at 7:55 pm
I’m a “purse” person myself. I don’t think I ever call it a pocketbook, or at least only occasionally, and definitely not handbag.
I have another one for you – swimsuit or bathing suit? I go with bathing suit, which is probably the old lady term.
I sympathize with worrying about your dad – and feeling “old” as a result of him having hip replacement. It is scary to realize your parents are getting to that age when things like that become common. I’m sure he’ll feel great after the operation and feel younger than he does now though!
6. Suebob | October 1st, 2007 at 9:19 pm
About the hip replacement – for the first week it will suck so bad that he may be extremely cranky about even having it done. He may suffer regret and anger. By week 4 or 5, he should be coming out of it. When he is all healed, he will be wondering why he waited so long to have it done.
Good luck.
7. Flibberty | October 2nd, 2007 at 5:21 am
I hope your dad’s surgery goes well!
Also, you trapped a balck snake in your purse from your garage? What? I think I’ve actually had that nightmare!
8. -R- | October 2nd, 2007 at 5:32 am
Best wishes for your dad today.
I say purse and use old-womanish as an adjective. I also say old-manish, so I guess I’m not sexist, just age-ist. And I don’t care!
9. TwoBusy | October 2nd, 2007 at 5:49 am
The only thing I enjoy more than literary theory is getting poked in the eye – repeatedly – with a sharp stick. But it’s pretty close.
Good luck to your dad. My MIL has had both knees and a hip replaced, and is more or less bionic at this point. While the first several weeks of recovery generally suck the big one… he’ll be just fine.
10. Gina | October 2nd, 2007 at 5:59 am
Best of luck to your Dad on his surgery. I am 38 with rheumatoid arthritis and both of my hips have been replaced. It is SO WORTH IT. Be sure your Dad continues to do his exercises after he is released from re-hab. It helps a ton and a lot of people tend to slack off, thinking they are “done”. You’re Dad is gonna feel SO MUCH BETTER!
11. Lawyerish | October 2nd, 2007 at 6:12 am
I will be thinking of your dad today! I hope the surgery goes well and he enjoys his new, bionic hip.
In the South, everyone says “pocketbook”; but I have always been a “purse” girl myself. I think “handbag” is kind of silly. When did every type of women’s bag become a handbag? To me, that’s a specific term for a specific type of purse, usually a small one, that has no shoulder strap and therefore must be carried IN THE HAND.
Oh, and Mauigirl? I say bathing suit, too! I am so old ladyish!
12. Jess | October 2nd, 2007 at 6:14 am
I say “purse” and Torsten says “handbag,” but I forgive him because he’s German and probably learned that word in England.
13. JR | October 2nd, 2007 at 8:20 am
Best wishes for your dad.
I say bag or purse, pocketbook sounds just too weird. My native language is not English and to me pocketbook is a BOOK. The bathing/swimming suit issue is not even in my repertoire. I am too old ladyish to wear one and look good.
And I can top your cruddy finger–once I had a strep vaginal infection!
14. Swistle | October 2nd, 2007 at 9:07 am
I say “purse.” I also say “old ladyish.” I say it when something reminds me of an old lady. It’s not usually “good” OR “bad” but more like “Is it appropriate in this situation for something to be of the sort associated with old ladies?” And old-ladyish perfume can be LOVELY. An old-ladyish picture on the wall can also be lovely. An old-ladyish suit would look weird on young-ladyish me, but it will look great on me when I’m an old lady.
15. Allison | October 2nd, 2007 at 9:51 am
Oh, I totally say pocketbook. And let me tell you, 7th graders do NOT know what you are talking about when you say, “Someone’s pocketbook is in the hall!” I say bathing suit too. I am an old lady.
16. Jennie | October 2nd, 2007 at 9:52 am
Seriously, can we talk about Milo/Peter’s hotness? PLEASE! Although I thought last night’s episode was just eh. I’m still eagerly awaiting Veronica Mars’s arrival and it doesn’t look like next week is it either.
Also, that sorta happened to my ring finger, too. But I think I caught it early enough.
17. Kristin H | October 2nd, 2007 at 9:55 am
I say “purse” too, and also “bathing suit.” Best of luck to your dad! My grandpa had his knee replaced, and though he and my grandma nearly killed each other while he was recovering over the cold, bleak, Michigan winter, he’s super happy he had it done.
18. Artemisia | October 2nd, 2007 at 11:25 am
First – I’ll be sending good thoughts your way tomorrow that your papa’s surgery goes well. It is hard to see our folks get older, isn’t it?
Second – what a great day. I just read a post that mentioned signs, signifiers, Derrida, Saussure…holy shit!
Third – I say purse, but sometimes I just call it my “bag,” which, now that I read that back, sounds kind of gross. I remember feeling REALLY SILLY the first time I said “purse,” though.
19. Leah | October 2nd, 2007 at 11:33 am
I say “backpack” because I’m twelve and that’s what I carry. It goes well with my tennis shoes, which I have been told I should not wear with jeans EVER unless I am a child or working in the garden.
20. Alyce | October 2nd, 2007 at 12:00 pm
I say purse or bag sort of interchangeably. Never handbag.
And yes, it is Blanca from The Sopranos: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1268158/
21. Meg | October 2nd, 2007 at 12:47 pm
You said “moist.”
But big love out to your dad anyway.
22. Style Bard | October 2nd, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Purse/bathing suit….
Omg, followed the link thinking ‘hm, penis ghost, vaguely familiar’ and I… have been reading you for over a year? Well of course I have, but it didn’t really hit me until a memorable holiday post came up. Where did a year GO, Jonna?!
Best wishes for your dad.
23. Melissa | October 2nd, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Best to your dad! I hate the “no longer invincible” frame of mind. I don’t mind getting older myself right now, but I must insist my parents stop aging immediately and just hang out at 65 and 67.
Purse. I say “bag” sometimes, but it doesn’t feel right.
24. Leane | October 2nd, 2007 at 5:10 pm
I say purse..and I am probably more old lady than you. Well not an OLD lady..just that I’m an OLDER girl..’cause i can’t stand to use the word LADY to describe myself..(probably some psychological reason for that i don’t yet know of)…I love radishes! But if i had them right before bed I’d have heartburn…(maybe that sounds old ladyish).
And PS. BRITNEY LOST CUSTODY (temporarily) is anyone else gasping at that so that their whole household comes running to see what the matter is? lol
25. K | October 2nd, 2007 at 7:50 pm
I hope your dad’s surgery went well. My last post was exactly what you described – my mom – at 60 -was the old lady who fell down and couldn’t get up! She broke her hip but at 6.5 weeks out is doing much better. Rehab rocks….but it was tough.
I say pocketbook and my friends in VT just made fun of me for it this weekend. They say purse. You say tomato, I say tomahto!
26. Andrea | October 3rd, 2007 at 7:34 am
I hope your dad’s surgery went great. My father-in-law had his hip replaced a few years ago and he says he has no pain whatsoever anymore. Recovery was tough but once he was a few weeks into it, the improvement for him was incredible.
I had a friend (who is only in his early 30s) who had his hip replaced (work accident on a barge) and he also rocked it, so it’s not just for old people.
27. lightspeed | October 3rd, 2007 at 5:02 pm
My mother had total hip replacement almost exactly one year ago. The first couple of days are extremely painful – but, you know that by now. After that, it only gets easier. My mother’s insurance allowed her only 3 days in the hospital and a “Geri-Chair” delivered to the house so she would have a supportive place to sit and eat. And yes, we made many snarky jokes about that turquoise chair, but it was a lifesaver.
If the shower head in your father’s bathroom is fixed, I suggest replacing it with one of the detachable, snakey ones (sorry, don’t know the proper term for this). This will make bathing much easier. We also had to remove the shower doors, putting up a curtain instead, so we could put a bench inside the tub.
With a couple of months, my mother appeared to be completely back to normal, though she said she could feel the artificial stem in her femur. Now no one would ever know she’s had a hip replacement. And most importantly, the pain from the arthritis is GONE.
I hope your dad has a speedy recovery. Hang in there.
28. velocibadgergirl | October 3rd, 2007 at 5:05 pm
“The pumpkin costume cries, its promise of being stuffed with chubby pug legs unfulfilled, as the pug in question screamed with the screams of a thousand shucked oysters at the very presence of the pumpkin.” This line from the penis ghost entry slayed me.
Good luck to your dad!
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