Why Pick on Me
October 24th, 2007
I don’t know why I find it funny that my bikini waxer has moral objections to Halloween. I mean, I get that there are many who object to it, but is it me, or is it oddly ironic that a woman who once considered creating bikini lines in the shape of Tiffany boxes is a born-again Christian who thinks Halloween is Satan’s holiday? I mean, not that people with such beliefs necessarily have any sort of objections to a well-groomed bikini line, but there’s something so overtly sexual about the procedure that it seems wholly incongruous with her position that masks are somehow the work of the devil, especially while her fingers are jammed in places where the sun doesn’t shine. Between this and her entirely tattooed-on face, she’s like an onion, I tell you! The layers, they just peel right off, revealing a Technicolor kaleidoscope of wonder and delight.
I’m telling you, she’s a little nuts, but I’m liking her more every day, even though the wax was boiling hot and also may have slipped into areas where the sun really and truly does not shine, under any circumstances at all.
This morning, by the way, I woke up at 5:45 a.m. and watched a full two hours of TV before I even bothered to shower, and it was heaven. I didn’t realize that mornings could be so deliciously glorious. I watched Grey’s Anatomy before sunrise! Desperate Housewives before breakfast! Yes, yes, I intended to run, but a fresh pot of coffee and a fully loaded TiVo beckoned. And I’m pretty sure this pushed me right into pathetic old lady territory, because I had lunch at 10:30, and was clamoring for dinner by 3.
Also, since it didn’t happen, I am free to tell you that we were thisclose to becoming a full-time (FULL. TIME.) Nielsen ratings family, box and all. They were “salivating” over the prospect of someone in our neighborhood in the 18-34 bracket, sans children, and were slated to come tomorrow at 5 p.m. to install the wiring. There were confidentiality agreements and everything! I wasn’t even allowed to tell you about it, lest they take away our privileges. We were the future of television! See you later, Private Practice! Adios, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader!
And then I ruined it, and I’m heartbroken. Because of what I do for a living (media-related), I am unwelcome. Unwelcome! Uninvited! Private Practice could stay on the air for DECADES, and there’s nothing I can do about it, and it kills me. This means that Top Chef will be canceled, and it will be all my fault, and it certainly means that The Singing Bee is sticking around.
Also of the non-sequitur variety, I somehow stumbled upon a discussion about Jessica Seinfeld’s new book, Deceptively Delicious, and while seriously, I couldn’t care less who did it first (I think the plagiarism accusations are nothing more than a sly, effective marketing strategy from the Sneaky Chef peeps), and while yes, the idea of taking that much time to puree vegetables for the simplest of recipes is ridiculous, what I find *most* absurd about the arguments I’ve read is that people are all up in arms about the ’50s-style cover. Like a twinkly font and a wink is some kind of implication that we’re all supposed to be staying home like June Lockhart.
Which reminds me, have I ever told you about my twisted fantasy of being a stereotypical 1950s housewife, if only for a day? Don’t get me wrong — there are few people who are more driven than me when it comes to career, but there’s something exotically appealing about spending the day in a crinoline skirt and worrying about ring around the collar. And with that kind of outfit, who’s to say I wouldn’t wake up one day dreaming of the perfect recipe for tomato aspic that would wow my husband’s boss, who would, of course, be coming to our house for a dinner party where I would be sure to set out clean ashtrays and offer everyone a cigarette from a silver case.
I’m off to bed. Or at least I’m off to lay there like a bump on a pickle and watch the Red Sox.
Happy Thursday!
*The Standells. I originally had Dirty Water, but I panicked, because, what if I jinx it? WHAT IF THEN? I’m writing this in the middle of the game, so it’s not like an omen or anything, but it’s on my mind because freaking Fox won’t stop playing DW between innings, which is SO STUPID. STOP, FOX. STOP. It’s a song we ONLY PLAY WHEN WE WIN. And also, Joe Buck is a douchebag of the highest order. Does he want to have intimate relations with the entire Yankees organization? Why yes. Yes, he does, thank you for asking! THE YANKEES ARE OVER AND OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS. GET OVER IT, JOE. AND PLAY A DIFFERENT SONG WHILE YOU’RE AT IT.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Val | October 24th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Joe Buck is a douchebag, although he does hail from the Lou, which also happens to be my hometown, so I have a little extra patience for him. But the truth is he never would be where he is if it weren’t for his father.
And anything that translates into a bad omen for the Red Sox is okay with me! Although they do appear to be doing just fine tonight.
Go Rockies!
2. jonniker | October 24th, 2007 at 7:13 pm
Go … Rockies? Who the hell supports the Rockies? Seriously? SERIOUSLY. Is it the National League alliance? IS THAT IT?
I feel betrayed, Val. I thought we were more to each other than that.
3. jen | October 24th, 2007 at 7:23 pm
I think you dodged a bullet on the Nielsen family thing. I mean, how much pressure is that, knowing that your viewing habits are representing millions? You’d feel guilty every time you kept watching a series even after it jumped the shark, or indulged in a show you’d be ashamed to have anyone else know you watched. It’s better to watch in peace and voice your indignation here, I say.
4. TwoBusy | October 24th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
I love it when Joe Buck starts getting all hot and worked up on behalf of his sponsors — “There really is no more beautiful blimp in the U.S. than the Direct TV blimp… that Hi-Def screen overhead is nothing short of stunning, and you can’t help but be moved by the way it bulges and glows so suggestively.”
That’s the mark of a true professional at work.
5. Josh | October 24th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Neilson ratings. Screw em. My interests are so far off the majority that no matter who they give the boxes to I won’t have shit to watch. Not to mention most everyone in charge of making TV apparently has no idea what’s cool, or mildly entertaining. I spend all my time on the internet. In here, they sure know their stuff. Porn mostly. And I guess a blog or two.
6. Josh | October 24th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Whoah, your blog turned my retarded emoticon into a winking yellow dot. That was the shit. Color me impressed. Next thing you know they’ll have a program to check spelling or something.
7. Jamie | October 24th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Whatever keeps you going to Squiggy’s hair parlor of insanely inappropriate conversations is the same thing that makes you like your waxer. That’s all I’m sayin’.
8. AndreAnna | October 25th, 2007 at 4:13 am
I think if they gave our family a Neilsen box, they would take it away for watching such a huge amount of mindless crap. Ghost Hunters? Star Terk? House? Bones? AND Sesame Street? Who ARE these people?
9. Assertagirl | October 25th, 2007 at 5:05 am
…don’t forget, in your 50′s dream sequence you’d be wearing a lovely pair of tasteful pumps while vacuuming, a pretty, frilled apron swaying.
Not that I’ve considered anything similar…
10. Sadie | October 25th, 2007 at 5:42 am
TwoBusy – HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I was painting in my hallway and peeking at the game, but mostly just *listening* it, and when I heard that moron wax poetic about the blimp I had to get up and go look at the TV, like “wtf is he talking about??”
Also, and who’s with me: WHAT THE FUCK IS DANE COOK DOING IN MY BASEBALL GAME?! Seriously, FOX, you couldn’t find ANYONE ELSE to do your promos, anyone at all? And who wrote them>? What, there’s only one World Series? Really? And only one October? Who knew?? *stab stab stab*
11. jonniker | October 25th, 2007 at 6:27 am
Sadie: And as TwoBusy and I have already discussed, that was *before* Joe Buck and company replayed footage of Bill Buckner’s blunder. Seriously? ARE WE NOT OVER THIS?
12. Beth | October 25th, 2007 at 6:48 am
“…like a bump on a pickle”
I’ll have you know I immediately said this out loud a few times in a Southern accent (I just like it even better that way) and will be adding it to my repertoire. ;^)
And yes, the Seinfeld cookbook — who has that kind of time to puree vegetables and such for fussy eaters? I just bribe/coerce my son into eating things. much quicker that way.
13. Suebob | October 25th, 2007 at 7:39 am
I was actually hoping for the Rockies before I found out that they are trying to trademark “Rocktober.” Huh? Why does a BASEBALL team need “Rocktober” as its very own? And what will classic rock stations do WITHOUT Rocktober.
A choice between the odious Red Sox and those who want to wrongly claim Rocktober…sigh…I am gonna go watch some hoops and pray for a quick ending.
14. Val | October 25th, 2007 at 7:42 am
It is, in fact, a National League alliance. I’ve never uttered the words “Go Rockies” before in my life.
BUT I do also hate the Red Sox. This is true. I’m still stinging from the ass-kicking they delivered to my Cardinals in the 2004 World Series. That hurt. It hurt my heart. I will never recover enough to cheer for the Red Sox. Never. So….Go Rockies!!!
15. Jennie | October 25th, 2007 at 7:46 am
I just watched Monday’s Heroes last night (I was out of town) and I screamed whore at the TV every time that irritating Irish girl even touched him. (Seriously, yellow shirt? With red pants?) And it’s really not good this season, agreed. But I’ll keep watching. Veronica joined the cast! And even though she reminds me a lot of, well, Veronica and seems to do snarky better than anything other than snarky, I’ll never turn on her. NEVER.
16. Jennie | October 25th, 2007 at 7:47 am
I posted my comment on the wrong blog (meant to post it on your previous one). Please don’t hate!
17. Jen from Boston | October 25th, 2007 at 9:01 am
The National League is not nothing more than glorified AAA ball. There, I said it.
I’ve run the numbers, and apparently the Sox are boss at the beginning of every century. Let’s hope we can sustain past 2018.
Don’t forget the pearls for your fantasy 1950s housewife sequence. Those are critical.
18. Kristin H | October 25th, 2007 at 10:14 am
Maybe you should practice bringing Adam his slippers, a newspaper, and a Manhattan when he gets home from work. Just to prepare in case the dream ever comes true.
I used to live in Boulder, CO and I listen to a Boulder radio station at work. I was nearly brainwashed into rooting for the Rockies, but then I came to my senses and realized I…well, I just don’t care about baseball.
I’m looking into what kinds of 10-step programs are available for this.
19. Trina | October 25th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
The solution is clear – quit your job and become a full time housewife and Nielsen family. Or give those bastards my info so *I* can be a Nielsen!
20. Mymsie | October 30th, 2007 at 7:29 am
Oprah pimped Jessica Seinfeld’s book on her show, so JS gifted her with a load of Manolo Blahniks. Is it me or is that obnoxious as hell? I mean, I’m pretty certain Oprah doesn’t need any material items. How about donating to her favorite charity? Or helping me pay off my student loans?
21. june lockhart&hellip | December 9th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
[...] Why Pick on Me [...]
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