A Means to an End
October 28th, 2007
By the time most of you read this, I will have given my notice at my rather cushy office job, and embarked a new career as a professional carpet steam cleaner. That’s right — I’m taking my Bissell on the road.
I know this seems sudden, it’s just that I steam-cleaned the stairs this weekend, and — I know this seems impossible — it was an even greater transformative experience than last week’s downstairs carpet. I came, I saw, I steamed. And I shall steam again. It actually crossed my mind that my mother-in-law mentioned she was in need of a carpet cleaning and damn, if I wasn’t going away next weekend, I would totally take Saturday to clean her carpets if it meant I’d have more surfaces to steam. And that’s where the dream ended.
I’m pretty pissed off, by the way, that Fox decided to make the World Series games at 8 p.m. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, because I’m exhausted and grumpy and also, maybe have to work tomorrow at a job that doesn’t involve steaming carpets at like, an EARLY HOUR. And this 1 a.m. shit isn’t cutting it, but seriously, what if? WHAT IF? WHAT IF I AM SLEEPING DURING THE WHAT IF? Also, because it’s Sunday, and could totally have been a 4 p.m. EST game. Totally, if not for football, but whatever, I hate football, really I do. I’m really sorry, but I do — I know it’s weird, what with the Patriots dismantling every. single. team., and while I’d like to care, I can’t. I’m so sorry. Give me basketball season, please.
(Edited to add: oh hell yes, I stayed awake for the what if. OH HELL YES. And who didn’t get choked up when Varitek did? ARE YOU MADE OF STEEL?)
Anyway, I blame Joe Buck. And also, Jeanne Zelasko, because her hair is just that … oversprayed and hazardous, and really, how many curling irons were injured? And now that I have a posse of Jeannes who do NOT pronounce it Jeannie, I hate her even more, because she’s wrong. I also may have cried a little when Dice-K batted in two runs last night, because he was just … well, he’s a PITCHER, and it was his first World Series run and it was the National League and … well, honestly, I got all choked up.
Enough sports! How was your weekend? Ours was punctuated by baseball and steam cleaning, and not much else exciting to report, except that also — OH YES, ALSO — we bought Halloween candy, and I’ve been stealing Take 5s for about three hours, and have you ever had a Take 5? It’s about as close to confectionery nirvana as it gets — delicate, crispy pretzels lend just the right of salty tenderness, enhanced by peanuts and peanut butter drenched in gooey caramel and finally — OH, FINALLY — the whole thing is enrobed (yes, I totally said ENROBED) in creamy milk chocolate.
It seems completely incongruous that Take 5 — or any Reese’s product, for that matter — is produced by Hershey’s, given that Hershey’s chocolate is widely considered to be the foulest of chocolate, although it’s become such a chocolate monopoly empire that who the hell knows anymore, what comes out of that creepy chocolate factory. I grew up in driving distance from the factory, and though I can’t say that the park is all that enjoyable for adults, if you ever have the opportunity to go to Chocolate World, I highly recommend it, because where else are you going to get the experience of what it’s like to be a roasted cacao bean? And dude, the whole town smells like chocolate and the streetlights are Hershey’s Kisses! This would be more exciting if I actually liked Hershey’s Kisses, but since they are made from that godawful bitter swill, I … no.
And in even more incongruous news, I was reading last week’s issue of People magazine and was disturbed, not only by the fact that I am supposed to see George Clooney’s girlfriend as some kind of accomplished role model (she’s a Las Vegas cocktail waitress who is shown in a photo wearing hotpants. What, exactly, am I aspiring to here?), but Prince William, yet again, is being presented as the hotter royal. This confuses me for many reasons, not the least of which is, has no one seen Prince Harry? Does no one see his deliciousness? Yes, yes, there was that very very unfortunate incident with the Nazi costume, but anyone who’s seen The Queen (and if you haven’t, you should) knows that my God, that family is so horrifically removed from reality that it’s not surprising that he thought it would be jolly good fun to be a Nazi! Because Nazis were mythical creatures, right?
(Seriously, that movie was fascinating in that sense. I mean wow, it’s logical, but still, um, WOW.)
I think that’s enough disparate commentary for tonight. Happy Monday! I’ll be the one with the giant sacks of dark matter under her eyes.
*Joy Division. And while I realize it’s not true, whenever I think of Nazis, I immediately think of Ian Curtis because of all those accusations of old. And hey, while we’re on the subject, have I ever told you that I’ve harbored a huge, and I mean, HUGE, crush on Bernard Sumner for like twenty years? And that one view of this video of him in teeny tiny bike shorts and be-bopping around was enough to cure me of that crush for at least another decade, I don’t care if it’s my favorite song, I really don’t. And oh Jesus, there’s a Blue Monday version, too, and a bad one at that (the high vocals! NOOO!). Heaven help us.
And if you’re still here, and have any idea what I’m talking about, go get a cookie, or better yet, a Take 5.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
26 Comments Add your own
1. Jennie | October 28th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
I may have to use up my daily allotment of Weight Watchers points on a Take 5. If that’s not a raving review for a candy bar, I don’t know what is.
2. Jennifer | October 28th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
Really, even if the Sox are your team, you’re not missing much by not staying up late for the series. For the Colorado fans (my husband is down by the TV cursing right now), it has been a most forgettable event. And really, when the teams are so unevenly matched, even for the winners it’s not as fun as a good competitive series would be.
But hey! Even though you hate football, you owe it to yourself to watch the Pats/Colts game next week! Both teams are 8-0! It should be a good competitive event, unlike this miserable World Series.
3. jonniker | October 28th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
Jennifer: As any long-suffering Sox fan will tell you, it’s never — NEVER — boring to watch them win. Ever. They lost for so long that this is still so very new to us … Also, I don’t know if it ever gets old when you’re a big sports fan, does it?
And it’s never over for the Sox, because we know what it’s like to be in the losing side after thinking — no, no, KNOWING — we were winning. Never over, until the last pitch is thrown and the ticker tape is on the field, as evidenced by the fact that it’s a one-run game. ONE RUN. GAME. YOU NEVER KNOW.
As far as next week’s Pat’s game — I’ll be in Disney tooling my sister’s kids around the rides. You can bet that A will be glued to the TV, however, as he hasn’t stopped talking about it.
4. Suebob | October 28th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
I am avoiding the gaze of the 10 bags of Reese’s peanut butter cups right now. Idiot, thy name is Suebob! I usually try to get some candy I hate for Halloween so that I will not be tempted. But last year I suffered the humiliation of giving a 5-year-old a big Tootsie Roll, only to have him yell at his mom “Moooooom! I DON’T LIKE THESE!” And who could blame him? I don’t like them, either.
5. mr. big dubya | October 28th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
I once told Metrodad that if I could be a part of any band, it would have been New Order back in the early 80s during The Hacienda and Factory days.
three. more. outs.
6. TwoBusy | October 28th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. Jennifer | October 28th, 2007 at 8:50 pm
I do indeed remember the whole Bill Buckner thing, so I hear you. I was officemate with another long-standing Sox fan during the Roger Clemens years, so I have always been sort of a Sox “the underdog” fan (I’m also a Cubs fan for the same reason). I just hated seeing Colorado get so thoroughly humiliated this time!
But congrats to you and other Sox fans — after so long waiting under “The Curse of the Bambino,” they’re writing their dynasty now!
(I personally am mostly a Mariner’s fan, I wonder if their day will ever come???)
8. Kirsten | October 29th, 2007 at 1:24 am
GO SOX! While dh and I were hoping amongst hope that the Rocks could pull out a couple of wins *just because we wanted the win at Fenway, the greedy creatures that we are* we were excited to see it end tonight. It was getting a tad bit difficult trying to schedule the rest of our ‘need to do’ appointments around the WS games.
I grew up in Canada, a born and bred Jays fan. Which means 1) you detest the Yankees with the heat of a thousand burning suns, and 2) you hate the BoSox almost as much, but not quite. But since I’ve moved here to the US of A, I’ve had to curb my desire to watch Toronto play, as NOONE… and I mean NO ONE would cover a Jays game unless one of the local teams was playing. So it was time to pick a new team – which based on family preference, became the Red Sox.
I watched from the beginning to the end of the 2004 series, and it was magical. It was almost moreso this season, because while they came in as underdogs in 2004 with the wildcard, this year they were the top team all the way through the playoffs. I missed the end of tonight’s game since I was at work, but I’m so glad for them. I’m sure there will be the chance to see the interviews and such on TV and the net. I’ll be looking tomorrow when I get home.
9. MsPrufrock | October 29th, 2007 at 4:20 am
I’m curious where you’re from, as I’m from the Hershey area originally. What a tiny little world we live in sometimes. As for adults at Chocolate World – go for the COOKIES! The cookies are friggin’ delcious, and now I’m starving for really naughty food.
Will you be seeing the new Ian Curtis movie, “Control”? Also, even non Bernard Sumner fanciers should stay away from those videos for fear of spontaneous retinal detachment. Sorry, Bernard.
10. jonniker | October 29th, 2007 at 4:51 am
MsP: I grew up outside of Allentown, and I DO NOT REMEMBER COOKIES. SHOULD I?
11. Swistle | October 29th, 2007 at 5:17 am
Oh, Harry is DEFINITELY better-looking. But my ovaries prefer William: he seems nicer, less dangerous, and more like he’s GOING TO BE KING.
12. Sadie | October 29th, 2007 at 6:46 am
I fell asleep during inning 5 and woke up at the bottom of the eighth, panic-stricken. I was demanding that my boyfriend recap the runs I missed and he refused, insisting smugly that if it was THAT important to me, I would have stayed AWAKE like HE did. But thankfully I was awake for the good stuff, like Varitek choking up, and Papi soaked in champagne and doing that weird stiff mummy dance, and creepy orange Jeanne Zelasko in the locker room in that horrible shiny pantsuit. My boyfriend actually said, “ooh, she hasn’t lost the baby weight.” What man says that??
If it paid well, I would totally steam-clean carpets for a living. And I would secretly judge people, too – “I got 8 gallons of black water out of their rugs! swine!!”
13. Jamie | October 29th, 2007 at 7:02 am
When are your Bissell Tour Chicago appearances because my Hoover sucks. Or, as it turns out, doesn’t.
14. Janssen | October 29th, 2007 at 7:32 am
I TOO am always a bit appalled at the crazed loving for William. His face is so . . . horsey? Something. While Harry is just so loveable and awesomely red-headed.
15. claire | October 29th, 2007 at 7:53 am
I want to be a roasted cacao bean.
That is all.
16. Alyce | October 29th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Harry is eitch oh double tee HOTT. For rls. Also, I like the naughty boys.
Would it be wrong for me to assume that Wils is into pony play? His dad must be.
Oh that was just mean. I was kidding.
I don’t even know what pony play is. I certainly don’t watch HBO Real Sex episodes showing it in all of its icky glory. Of course not. I only watch the 700 Club.
17. Suebob | October 29th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Did something happen in sports yesterday? Hm, I wasn’t paying attention.
18. jonniker | October 29th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Suebob, we have you on record as saying “Rockies in four.” And wow, how right you were … sort of. Except kind of like NOT AT ALL.
19. TwoBusy | October 29th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
She was completely right except for the “right” part.
20. Suebob | October 29th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
In my universe, the Angels won. It is nice over here.
21. Trina | October 29th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Harry is TOTALLY hot! I noticed it a couple years back and felt a bit pervy, thanks to the age difference. I think he and his brother are on some sort of cosmic Seesaw of Hotness, because for years the poor boy was fugly and William was gorgeous, but the older they get and the hotter Harry gets, the less attractive William becomes. I was sure H would grow up looking just like his dad, but he managed to dodge that bullet!
And now, with the tacit approval given by this post, I shall go invade the Halloween candy. I can buy more tomorrow or Wednesday, right?
22. Allison | October 29th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
Take 5′s are number one and I love them. I joined a campaign through BzzAgent last year and they sent me a box of 30 Take 5 bars and I ate the WHOLE BOX.
Also, I bought a Bissell steam cleaner on Sunday! The joy of dumping out the scroungy water. Love.
23. ali | October 30th, 2007 at 10:58 am
prince william is not good looking. i think people just like him because he looks like his mother. but to me he’s really just all horseface-y
24. Mauigirl52 | October 31st, 2007 at 1:49 pm
“As any long-suffering Sox fan will tell you, it’s never — NEVER — boring to watch them win. Ever. They lost for so long that this is still so very new to us.”
So true! Since I am at heart still a Red Sox fan I reveled in rooting for them in this Series. I had no pity on the Rockies. They’re young. They’ll get over it. They’ll get another chance. And would you believe someone on our local blog said something to the effect that the Red Sox are taking the fun out of baseball?? LOL! As if the Yankees didn’t do that for the past how many years?
Good for the Red Sox. Good that they were confident, that they looked impressive and imposing and intimidating. The Rockies looked like deer in the headlights and it was gratifying, nay, justified, for Red Sox fans all over to be thrilled with a sweep. Yippee!
25. Lara | November 1st, 2007 at 9:16 am
Harry is totally the hotter prince. Also, yummo to the Take 5. Mmmm!
26. Teen Girls Teen Mpeg Ass &hellip | February 15th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Teen Girls Teen Mpeg Ass Teen
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view
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