So Says I
October 30th, 2007
I worked with a woman at my last job who had an e-mail signature that automatically appeared in every message that went something like this:
Sincerely,
Susan A. Whatever
Honestly, Susan? You cannot be that sincere in every e-mail. “Sincerely” should never be as an automatic inclusion, as it, in fact, makes you insincere, given that you automatically parrot it out like a myna bird no matter what you’re saying. Are you really that sincere when you’re telling me that you have a doctor’s appointment at 9, and you’ll be in late? Seriously, Susan? SERIOUSLY. It should also not be in red glowy italic font, as I recall hers was. Goddamn that signature still haunts me, three years later.
I’m sure it speaks volumes to my mental state (overtired, PMS-ing) that I’ve been periodically getting myself all worked up about this fact for about an hour now, and at one point, very seriously considered writing her an e-mail calling her out for her glaring (GLARING! It’s BLINDING!) insincerity. I don’t even work there anymore, and haven’t for several years.
This is a nice segue into my latest beef with Oprah, which is her extremely dramatic bout with thyroid disease. I’m fairly certain I’ve mentioned this a thousand times, but I, too, have thyroid disease (Hashimoto’s thyroiditis), and while it truly sucks, it really set me off to see Oprah going off about it. She makes everything so dramatic, and while I should be happy that she’s bringing attention to the issue (seriously, it really kind of sucks, and does impact everything from your weight to your fertility, and oh yes, did I ever mention half my hair and eyebrows fell out?), instead, I just want to pummel her with empty bottles of Synthroid or Armour. Yes, Armour. Or perhaps just some desiccated pig thyroid, before it’s made into pills.
Why couldn’t Ellen be hypothyroid? Why does it have to be OPRAH? No one asked me if I wanted her to be the public face of my disease, for I most certainly do not. Oh how I hate Oprah, as I’ve discussed before. Loathe.
In other exciting news, I was quite certain that I permanently blinded myself when I unloaded an entire container of Tilex Clean Shower directly into all of my mucus membranes when I inserted the nozzle backwards. This was followed by the entire — and OH I MEAN ENTIRE — spice rack falling to the ground and breaking in a staggeringly loud display of shattered glass while I was cleaning up after making potato salad for a (oh my God) Halloween potluck at the office tomorrow. Nothing like crunching your bare feet over mustard seed and broken glass to get the blood flowing, I say. Perhaps the only thing more exciting is a 10 p.m. vacuum, because who — and I really mean this — doesn’t love giving the old Eureka some mileage?
(Also, no, I haven’t bought a new vacuum yet. I’ve been too distracted by my oh-so-sexy Bissell steamer.)
I also made chocolate biscuit cake, for those of you who also read Holly, and I made two trays and GOOD GODDAMN, I think I died, it is that good. But I think that Digestive cookies need a new name, because doesn’t it sound like … I don’t know, some kind of laxative? Bad enough that they’re called “biscuits” (I’m sorry, Brits, I’m SORRY!) But … Digestive! So gentle, it loosens bowels overnight!
I’ll try not to think about it as I scarf the rest of it down tomorrow.
And hey, by the way, you may not hear from me until next Monday — I mean, maybe tomorrow, but I don’t know for sure. Thursday, you see, I’m off to Disney World with my sister and nephews for what promises to be the least relaxing vacation under the sun, given that the four of us are sharing a hotel room. You see, I snore, and my nine-year-old nephew thrashes all around, so no one wants to sleep with either of us, and it’s more than likely I’ll find myself on the floor, wrapped in the STD-infested hotel blanket, dreaming of angry families clamoring for overpriced pork products and Mickey pins.
Also, have I ever showed you what I have to sleep in every night?
Toes curled to protect your retinas from my horrid, terrifying toenails that are in desperate need of a pedicure.
This, incidentally, is the only thing that’s worked for my plantar fasciitis. If I fail to sleep in it, the pain comes back within 24 hours. And as I understand it, this will very likely be for the rest of my life. I might as well be permanently pregnant, for God’s sake.
Good golly molly, I sound like I’m wearing the grumpiest pants I own, don’t I? They’re plaid, if you were wondering, and also hot pink.
Happy Wednesday!
*The Shins. After five years of trying, and three albums purchased, they’re growing on me. You win.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
31 Comments Add your own
1. Jamie | October 30th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Hot pink is an excellent color for you. My grumpy pants are horizontally striped in mustard, olive, and terracotta – much like the original Tupperware product line.
My solution to the grumps is remembering how much worse it could be. I usually do this by watching an episode (or two) of “Jon & Kate + 8″ on Discovery Health Channel. After that, I realize how much more crazy my life could be, and I am grateful.
2. She Likes Purple | October 30th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
I would totally buy you a drink of your choice if I lived closer or could mail the drink in any sort of acceptable way.
Also, I bought all the ingredients for the Chocolate Biscuit Cake but haven’t made it yet. The golden syrup spilled in my car, and I sort of of got angry at the cake (but really at World Market), but soon I’ll buck up and get to it! (It looked amazing!)
I’m actually a wee jealous about the Disney World Trip. I loved Epcot and Animal Kingdom wholeheartedly. And I went when I was 17, so we can’t even blame child nostalgia for that. Have fun! I’m sending you some non-STD happy thoughts!
3. hello insomnia | October 31st, 2007 at 5:00 am
I am perplexed by email signatures, too. Especially those from moms who sign it with their name and their children’s names. Like I totally know that little ten-month-old Jimmy did not write this email with you, woman. Come on.
4. Nilsa S. | October 31st, 2007 at 5:23 am
Does everyone really hate Oprah (a comment from your linked post)? I live in Chicago and feel like everyone LOVES her. I think she’s alright. Generally, everything in moderation is key and when such masses of (mostly) women follow Oprah, it concerns me. There are other books in this world outside her list. *sigh*
5. Sadie | October 31st, 2007 at 5:33 am
Your ass looks hot in those pants.
There is nothing so explosively, fragrantly messy as a full spice rack breaking – the glass shards traveling great distances and oh! the oregano. So much oregano. I well remember the blood and the dustpan, and the billowing swirls of marjoram strewn about.
You make Disney sound SO. FUN. Even more fun than I remember it from my visit at age 12, when it was merely NOT. FUN. Even at 12 I was a crotchety bitch, annoyed by all the waddling fat parents in oversized character-emblazoned t-shirts and the ungodly long lines and the shrieking, WHY is there always so much shrieking?!
6. H | October 31st, 2007 at 5:44 am
I’m glad you explained the picture. At first I thought you had a horrible disfiguring disease that caused toe curling.
7. Rhymes with Thistle | October 31st, 2007 at 5:51 am
I’m posting semi-anonymously because I want to tell you about a friend of mine who has an automatic signature on her emails that tells me how important our friendship is to her, and how she’ll always be there for me. I don’t want to hurt her feelings if she’s ever bored enough to search for all my comments on the whole internet or something, but that signature is really dumb with automatic repetition.
8. Lawyerish | October 31st, 2007 at 6:41 am
How did I not know that you had to sleep with that…that…THING on your leg?? I have seen those in the SkyMall catalogue for years, and I always wondered how in the world you could actually fall asleep with this BOOT in the bed with you? You poor thing!
My crankypants, which appear to be permanently attached to me lately, are black watch plaid flannel.
9. Andrea | October 31st, 2007 at 6:43 am
My cranky pants are blood red and resemble sweat pants to accommodate the uncomfortable pregnant belly.
And if I curled my toes like that, even for a millisecond? I’d have serious foot cramps and quite possibly a Charlie horse in my calf muscle that would hurt for days.
10. TwoBusy | October 31st, 2007 at 7:04 am
Reminder: you just won the World Series. No combination of Oprah martyrdom, processed pork products or RoboCop-foot-binding can take that away from you.
11. Tessie | October 31st, 2007 at 7:38 am
I have a coworker who has a signature that says “Thanks, HerName”. Which is all well and good except…it’s like she FORGETS that she has it, and she will THANK YOU ANYWAY in the body of the email, or even add that exact phrase as she closes, and….ARGG! I thought the human brain was supposed to skip over double words when reading but I SEE THAT SHIT EVERY TIME!
12. Meg | October 31st, 2007 at 7:58 am
I laughed out loud at my rant about Oprah in your other post. Good lord, I’m strident.
13. TB | October 31st, 2007 at 9:54 am
That must do wonders for your sex life. If you want to borrow the pjs my mother in law gave me to go with your brace, let me know.
Also, with the Oprah hate, I’m so there. Sometimes I watch her just so I can ridicule her. I know, I need to just let it go.
14. Kristin H | October 31st, 2007 at 10:04 am
Shhhh, now, it’s okay. What you clearly need is to go home and partake in a little Bissel love. I imagine you wildly zooming around the house, cackling wildly as you Bissel the ever lovin crap out of your carpets. “THIS dirty glob is YOU, Sincerely Susan! And THIS one is YOU, Oprah!” (flings blackety crap out the door with venom)
Trust me. Peace awaits with the Bissel.
15. maya | October 31st, 2007 at 10:09 am
I love that I’m not the only one wearing their cranky pants in their latest entry (or who doesn’t loooooove The Oprah) By the way am also a thyroid case, such fun, isn’t it? Have had a good experience with an all-natural supplement called TS2 lately. My grumpy pants are olive drab with black stripes. The foot brace? I don’t even know what to say!
16. Mauigirl52 | October 31st, 2007 at 1:39 pm
OMG, am I going to have to wear one of those foot braces too? I have the plantar fasciitis, at least that’s what I have self-diagnosed myself as having, since I can barely WALK anymore when I’ve been sitting for awhile. I keep meaning to make an appointment with the foot doctor but haven’t gotten around to it. So I continue to hobble around like a 90 year-old woman. And y’know what? If the darn brace works I’ll wear it. Anything to be able to walk again. Maybe eventually you get over it???
Sorry to hear of your Tilex and spice rack disasters. Sounds like you deserve to wear your cranky pants!
17. Suebob | October 31st, 2007 at 3:06 pm
At least the Eureka will have a nice, spicy smell until you get rid of it.
Have you heard about the stretches for plantar fasciitis? Tried them?
I guess I should add Oprah to the list of reasons that I am glad I haven’t been able to fork over the $50 a month for cable TV.
18. carolyn | November 1st, 2007 at 5:50 am
my friend got to attend Oprah’s show during the Celine Dion taping and he was HORRIFIED by Oprah’s off-camera behavior. he said Celina was just lovely and sweet to everyone whether the cameras were rolling or not and Oprah was just nasty nasty nasty to audience, guests, camera men, etc., every moment the cameras stopped. he was aghast.
19. Lauren | November 1st, 2007 at 8:09 am
You should replace your broken spice rack with a SpiceStack. Its plastic and very durable, so you’ll never be stepping on mustard seeds again! Check it out at http://spicestack.com and happy reorganizing!
20. erica | November 1st, 2007 at 8:49 am
Someone must’ve said something because she dropped the “sincerely” b.s.
21. Lara | November 1st, 2007 at 9:10 am
You know, I occasionally agonize over my departure line. I hate my co-worker whose signature thing includes “Best, So-and-So”. Best what? And, really? ALL the time? So I vacillate between “Kind regards” and “Best regards” and “Regards” and the occasional “Sincerely”, and I hate every single one of them. Still, they’re better than the typical lawyer departure line: “Very truly yours”. How do YOU know if your mine, let alone very truly mine?
Thank you for making me feel like I am not the only one pondering this issue.
22. -R- | November 1st, 2007 at 10:10 am
At my office, we are supposed to sign formal letters with “Yours truly.” Last time I checked, I was not a 10-year-old girl, and yet I must sign formal business letters like one. At least they do not make me write “PS XOXO.”
23. -R- | November 1st, 2007 at 10:14 am
Lara, so it is not just my law firm??? Very scary.
24. Heath | November 1st, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Academics (at least the ones at my university) are also with the “Best” signature. It used to weird me out, but now I think it’s very postmodern. It means nothing, so it’s not a lie!
Also, what does that brace DO? Keep it stretched out or something? Maybe I need to get me one a them thangs.
25. amber | November 1st, 2007 at 7:53 pm
I also hate Kelly Ripa, a lot. Because of the perky self-righteousness. And all of the snotty eye-rolling and face making she does.
Sorry you feel so lousy. Hope it gets better soon!
26. Blythe | November 6th, 2007 at 8:11 am
I am sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that Kelly Ripa uses a pink sparkly “Sincerely Yours” e-mail signature.
Try the milk chocolate variety of the digestive biscuits and you won’t care what they are called, you’ll camp out in the parking lot of World Market whenever you’ve caught wind that they’re getting a new shipment.
27. salad » So Says I&hellip | November 19th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
[...] Check it out! While looking through the blogosphere we stumbled on an interesting post today.Here’s a quick excerpt I worked with a woman at my last job who had an e-mail signature that automatically appeared in every message that went something like this: Sincerely, Susan A. Whatever Honestly, Susan? You cannot be that sincere in every e-mail. “Sincerely” should never be as an automatic inclusion, as it, in fact, makes you insincere, given that you automatically parrot it out like a myna bird no matter what you’re saying. Are you really that sincere when you’re telling me that you have a doctor’s appoint [...]
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31. Matt | June 16th, 2011 at 11:53 am
Hope you have found some comfort when dealing with plantar fasciitis. Please check out FootsourceMD if you ever have plantar fasciitis questions or are looking for plantar fasciitis pain relief products.
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