Yes! No!
November 13th, 2007
I have a thing for high-end cooking magazines, like I have absolutely any idea what I’m doing in the kitchen, and for some reason, I like to read them in bed, which is quite possibly the least appetizing spot in the house. Although that’s not really true, because tonight, we had dinner in bed, does that gross you out? Grilled cheese and tomato soup from a can (Campbell’s!), because Adam is sick, we don’t have a dining room table (the second we knew we weren’t going to stay in this house, we nixed the very idea of buying one, because why? So we can pay to move it?) and our usual spot where we eat in front of the television was unappealing.
Does anyone else do this, or are we the only piggish couple who shovels our food in our mouths in odd locations? I mean, certainly if we had a child, I might feel differently, as really, a high chair has no place in the bedroom or living room, but … well, for now, it’s fine.
The point I started to make is that my bedtime reading leaves me subject to illusions of culinary grandeur, particularly Bon Appetit, and in the last five minutes tonight, I had to be talked off the ledge of making my own handmade spice rubs in pretty jars to give out as Christmas gifts this season. I mean, really, I made Campbell’s soup from a can for dinner … do I really think I’m going to roast a supersize batch of cardamom pods and toasted cumin seeds, grind them with a mortar and pestle, throw in a little gourmet sea salt and then (oh my God) put it all in a hand-decorated tin with a personalized label? Seriously?
I have a mammogram at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning, and while yay, breast health and all, I’m dreading it, because again, I have these dense fibrocystic breasts that take hours to sift through with the assistance of four radiologists and a special decoder ring. I don’t mind these things generally, but all, and oh I mean ALL, dignity is lost when you have four doctors and a nurse repositioning your breast on a set of slides while one says things like, “No, put the nipple THAT way. No, no — THE OTHER WAY. Facing me. Yes, I want the nipple facing ME. Really jam it in there so I can see the top part of it. That’s good. Like that.”
Yes, the last doctor I had said “jam it in there,” like he was packing the trunk of a car for a road trip and my boob was that last pesky duffel bag that refused to cooperate.
And finally, since we’re on the path to dangerously disjointed anyway, vanity sizing is really on my nerves. I initially thought, stupidly, that even though I lost a rather sizable amount of weight, that I could still get away with wearing some of my fat pants, because so what? They’d be a little big! How exciting! Not so much. Perils of bearing your thong at the post office aside, my God, too-big pants are astonishingly unflattering. Most days I alternated between looking like I had a giant load of corn poop in my pants to simply appearing … deflated, like someone had let the air out of my legs. In both instances, I actually looked fatter than I had before, which was certainly not the goal, and I did not give up copious amounts of pizza so that I could look like a half-empty Michelin man.
Enter the new pants I finally bought, which were in a size eight, which, I might add, is a perfectly reasonable size for someone of my … size, hey, can we say SIZE again? Also, I already had two pairs of these pants (Gap jeans, boot cut, if you were wondering) and loved them in my size eight. Except that it appears that what was once a size eight is no longer a size eight, and the current size eight is more like a ten or a twelve. And although I bought them anyway, because they fit in the dressing room, after about an hour on my body, my crotch was starting to seep to my knees and I’m pretty sure I could pull them off without unbuttoning them, and this is WRONG, people, it’s SO WRONG.
I am not a size six. I’m not saying that because I want you to say, “yes you are!” I’m saying that because frankly, I don’t want to be a size six. I’m certainly a lot thicker than that — by choice — and if sizes keep shrinking at this rate, in a few years, I’m going to be the first five-foot-seven woman in history to weigh 140 pounds and wear a size 0.
I know this isn’t new, but God, it’s annoying, and so completely deceptive and it’s cruel, it’s actually cruel. Not to mention the fact that it encourages us to be porkier all the time, because why not? You can eat nachos every day and still be a size two! I’ll roll down the aisles of the supermarket like a blueberried Violet Beauregard, but by gum, I’ll be wearing my size zero pants!
But for now, it’s a minor irritation, because I have to buy new pants again, despite already having gone through the miserable self-ass-checking in the mirror. Thank you, Gap. It is small consolation that you are not Ann Taylor, who designs pants for … well, I don’t know who. Can anyone wear Ann Taylor pants? I might as well throw on the slipcovers for our couches and pair them with a nice cardigan, because geez, are they boxy on me.
Happy Wednesday!
*Shocking Pinks
Entry Filed under: Food follies!,Nuttin'
27 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | November 13th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
I think I am the opposite of you. Ann Taylor pants are some of the only pants that fit me! I think I may be Bizarro Jonniker.
2. Sadie | November 13th, 2007 at 8:06 pm
Heh, I just got that Bon Appetit with the spice rubs and contemplated them for oh, four seconds before flipping the page and shoveling another spoonful of Cap’n Crunch into my maw. So no, you’re not alone, sister. Though, I never eat in bed.
I ALSO noticed that my size has gone from an 8 to a 6 at Gap – though my old worn Long and Leans fit great and are a size 8, the most recent pants I purchased there (Curvy something-or-others) were a 6. For a moment I was all, “oooh, maybe I’ve lost weight,” but then I actually looked at myself in the brutal dressing room light, and I am pretty sure I’m actually fatter than when I bought the 8s.
P.S. I am always in love with a Violet Beauregard ref. “You’re turning Violet, Violet!”
3. She Likes Purple | November 13th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Mike and I bought these new fancy trays that sort of act like a TV tray for your bed and we used them… A LOT.
And grilled cheese and tomato soup is one of my most favorite meals ever.
4. Erin | November 13th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
I HATE Vanity Sizing. Hate. Vanity Sizing is responsible for me having to shop in the CHILDREN’S SECTION. Here’s the thing. I know that some people do have gland issues and are built differently, but if someone is the same size as Gilbert Grape’s mother, she shouldn’t be allowed to wear a size ten. She should accept the fact that she is bigger than the status quo. Why is her self esteem more important than mine? Do you know how humiliating it is to go to a job interview wearing something that your potential employer just bought for their sixth grader?? I’m going to be thirty soon. I am too old to be wearing something designed by the Oleson Twins’ clothing company.
5. the new girl | November 14th, 2007 at 5:04 am
The last doctor I had said ‘jam it in there’ like my boob was a duffel bag…
You are too, too funny, dude. I laughed out loud and startled my baybay.
Good luck with the booby-smooshing.
Ann Taylor LOFT pants (in only one style…Anne, maybe?) fit me correctly. And I’m with you on the trying to still wear your bigger pants, thinking the *looseness* might be a plus but finding, omg, it looks like I have a diaper on underneath.
6. Tessie | November 14th, 2007 at 6:21 am
I’m with Erin. I used to be able to buy clothes in the Grown Up stores, but now I seriously, SERIOUSLY have to shop in the childrens section. And I hope the kids don’t get get any fatter, because I’m going to be really pissed if I end up in onesies from Baby Gap.
7. SK | November 14th, 2007 at 6:25 am
I had the same problem with Gap jeans, and I think it’s the amount of stretch they’ve started to put in their fabric (my two previous incarnations didn’t have that problem, but the third and most recent pair I bought gave me saggy ass by the end of the evening, although they loked hott in the dressing room). I suppose you could take them back on the premise that the stretch worked too well.
8. claire | November 14th, 2007 at 7:06 am
It’s funny that you should mention Ann Taylor pants – i have a love/hate relationship with their pants… I always try them on in the store and am excited that they fit and they look NICE and then when i get them home, i realize that they’re about 5 inches too long and a bit tight in the ass.
They fit so well in the store, and then? Disaster.
Stupid gigantic ass.
9. Jamie | November 14th, 2007 at 7:22 am
When I saw those spice rubs, I was all overjoyed like, “here is the gift I’ve been wanting to give all my friends for the holidays! hostess gifts! stocking stuffers! i’ll make it all at once and i’ll be done! and i can go shopping for adorable containers and labels!” and then when I told Sean about it, he just gave me a look that brought it all back down to cold, hard reality.
A bottle of wine is a much easier gift anyways. I’m just sayin’.
10. Andrea | November 14th, 2007 at 9:20 am
I’ve recently been to a Pampered Chef party and given that I own maybe two PamChef things in the past and have had good luck with them, I looked at the way overpriced catalog with a little more interest this time around.
And oy, Apparently I think I can cook, because I want so much out of the catalog. And yet I was nearly overwhelmed by making tacos last night. You mean my taco meat is almost done, and yet I still have to chop tomatoes and lettuce, AND open this can of black olives? I can’t do it all fast enough! Yeah, put the catalog (and the checkbook) down, Andrea. No delusions of cooking grandeur in your head anymore. Though I am making Thanksgiving dinner next week for my parents, and I’m not sweating over it yet. Just calmly planning on when to set the bread out to dry for the stuffing, and when to make the brine and when to take the turkeys (doing two breasts instead of a whole turkey) out of the freezer. By Friday when I actually make the food, though, I might have a different story.
Sorry about the pants. I’ve had pants issues myself lately, though mainly because why do they put zippers on one hip on maternity pants? That practically guarantees not being able to wear them in the bigger belly months, because who can get their arms around the bulging middle to use two hands on a hip zipper? Though I have to say that, as a woman who has struggled with my weight since my early twenties, these people saying they’re aggravated shopping in the kids’ department are making me a twee bit jealous. Not that such a thing wouldn’t be frustrating, but it’s an end to the weight spectrum I’m just not experienced with, so it sounds kinda nice to me. Although WHEN (yes when) I do lose my extra weight, I don’t want any hand-outs or handicaps handed to me in the way of vanity sizes. I want to have EARNED those size 6s or 8s or whatever size I can get myself to. Save the handicaps for bowling and golf.
11. Beth | November 14th, 2007 at 9:20 am
Me! I wear Ann T. pants! It’s like they’re made especially for me and/or my hips.
The thing I will never, ever understand about Gap jeans is how not one pair of the women’s jeans fits me, but the men’s? Like a glove. I am more…er…womanly shaped than anyone I know, and I find it insane that in order to find room for thighs I must head to the section where there should be none.
12. ie | November 14th, 2007 at 9:48 am
One year I lost my mind (hmm, that sounds a bit suspicious, like I tripped over it one day and said Oh there you are!) (ahem) and made homemade potpourri for Christmas gifts. No amount of injectible Martha Stewartness made them nearly as pretty as they were supposed to look, but they did smell nice. I think I overwhelmed my mother, because she insists on keeping the dang stuff, eventhough it has long lost its smell.
Good luck with the squishy-gram. Mine is next week.
13. Val | November 14th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Its the freakin’ stretch they are putting in jeans. Not just Gap jeans. Jeans everywhere. I was on a mission to buy some new jeans, and I usually buy Gap, but I noticed the stretch, and was unsure. So I decided to look elsewhere. Everywhere with the stretch. All brands. Even Levi’s jeans are all stretch now. So anyway, finally caved and bought two pair of the Gap jeans, and have since worn both, and I hate them. They fit great when I put them on, but two hours later after sitting, driving, LIVING, I have saggy butt and baggy legs. Hate the stretch.
14. Mauigirl52 | November 14th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Where do I begin?
First of all – “jam it in there!” Talk about tactful. Men shouldn’t be allowed to be involved in breast health. (LOL though, I couldn’t help it!)
As for vanity sizing, this scares me more than anything because it must mean I am not a 14. I might not even be a Misses. Maybe I’m a WOMAN’S SIZE if we still had real sizes. I try not to think about this. See, the vanity sizing is for people like me!
I agree with Val on the stretch thing. I like stretch in the waist but not all over the pants, especially jeans. They look too tight too. I can’t believe Levi’s has gone that way too.
I’m glad you thought twice about making your own spice for people’s presents. It would not happen. And you’d be left with nothing to give anyone! (If you’re like me anyway).
Yes, we eat in front of the TV every night despite having a dining room table. Usually said table is covered with stuff. All kinds of stuff. Mail we didn’t throw out, catalogues, you name it. I have to invite people over in order to get it cleaned off.
15. Style Bard | November 14th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Hey, I can just watch Top Chef and decide I’m going to cook something amazing and in-depth for dinner as soon as tomorrow night! And you know what I do? Lipton Rice Sides. Every time. (Some of the Lipton Noodle Sides, btw, you can actually make in the microwave. Yes, I’m that lazy about cooking. Now you know.)
Furthermore EVERYone should watch out for that line in particular for Vanity Sizing – The Gap, Banana Republic (yes, I said it), and Old Navy. They’re all owned by the same people, and they’re all just as bad. You will always be one if not TWO sizes smaller in these stores, in pants. Don’t fall for it. And while we’re on the subject, don’t buy pants from Old Navy ANYway, because I think a blind and cruel elf randomly cuts those patterns, drunk.
Oh yeah – and I eat at the desk, bed, table, counter, floor, whatever’s nearby whatever I happen to be doing at the same time when the food’s ready. Lazy, uncouth, classless me.
16. jonniker | November 14th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
SB: I bought a Banana dress in a size 6 recently, and even then? It was a GIGANTIC size 6. I guarantee I could have worn a 4 with little to no angst whatsoever.
The thing is, and this sounds ridiculous, but I know I’m a (normal) size 8. I still have size 8 pants from well before the Vanity Revolution, which is precisely how I know that there is no way in hell I’m a size 6 without some kind of vanity-induced intervention. Not to mention my weight, which is … well, it’s what I weighed when I got married almost five years ago, when I wore a size freaking EIGHT (though my wedding dress was a 10, because it was a Vera Wang, and she goes by actual pre-PRE-Vanity Sizing, and is actually the size that Marilyn Monroe was, I’m guessing. You know, before today’s size 12 was bandied about as her size, when today’s size 12 is actually more like a 16.)
17. Val | November 14th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Ok, now I feel fatter.
18. jonniker | November 14th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
Val: No no no no no! The thing is, I swear I’m not super-skinny. I’m not, I’m really not, NO NO.
It’s just the whole thing, the whole tweaky thing, designed to fool us, like some cheap trick. It’s mean. MEAN.
19. Danell | November 14th, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Having a kid IS exactly why we finally got a table…not even a dining room table, just a kitchen table. Before that, we always ate in the living room sort of squatting around the coffee table because we were too slovenly to even get TV trays or something. Once the kiddo got old enough to really “eat” with us, we finally decided we better do something to enable us to have real family-like dinners.
Is it bad that your mammogram description had me laughing hysterically? I mean, I guess I could say that I was laughing WITH you, not AT you, but that would imply that you were laughing to begin with, which I am guessing you were not. But still…a duffel bag. BWAHAHAHA. (might be a good description of mine and why they are able to easily arrange mine on the plates…like plopping and mooshing empty duffel bags around.)
I don’t get sizing for our clothes. An 8 this year is last years 10 or a 12 ten years ago…blah blah blah…how come it can’t be like men’s sizes that just go by inches? I’m pretty sure 28 inches this year is the same as it was last year or twenty years ago as it will be next year. Isn’t that how men’s clothing sizes run?
20. Jennifer | November 14th, 2007 at 7:39 pm
First off: YES we eat our dinner on our laps all over the house, even though we have a dining table, a nook table, AND an island with barstools! But, eat in those places? NAH! Only when company is over. (So please come over and we will serve you at a real table and not make you use your lap.)
And yeah the vanity sizing, I weigh now what I weighed in high school, and then: it was size 12 jeans. Now: size 4 jeans. I’m exactly the same (although now I think my waist is a couple inches BIGGER). And, OK OK OK so that was 30 years ago, but STILL! Like you say, by the time I’m really elderly I’ll be the same height/weight and will be buying size 0 at the Gap, pushing my walker in there to try on pants. Why don’t they just change women’s sizes to the same absolute measurements as men’s sizes: inches around the waist, inches around the hips, inches of inseam. I’m still wearing exactly the same Levi’s men’s measurements as I have for 30 years. Women’s fashion industry, BAH!
21. celebrate woo-woo | November 14th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
Yes, yes we have eaten breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed. Before we moved to our current home, my husband and I more or less lived in our bed while we were home. We once contemplated the idea of using a bed instead of a couch for the living room. So, no, I don’t find it gross at all;>
22. velocibadgergirl | November 15th, 2007 at 8:26 am
We have two dining tables in our apartment, but unless one of us cooks an actual meal involving the stove (which happens maybe once every other week), we usually eat in front of the TV, too.
23. Lori | November 15th, 2007 at 9:29 am
Yep, I stayed a size 10 despite gaining 20 pounds. Now that I’ve lost 10 pounds I’m an 8, but hey I could be a 6 if I get rid of the other 10 pounds. I think they are doing this with shoes too, because my feet are not shrinking, but my shoe size is!
And the mammogram thing? I always got ultrasounds along with mammograms and the little dot markers on the nips and little things that look like reinforcement stickers.. Good times!
24. sjb | November 15th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Stretch in denim is the work of satan. They’re all form fitting when you put them on and then a few hours later, after you’ve been sitting (and stretching the stretch) they’re all whee, baggy ass, falling down, we need a trip through the dryer to shrink back into shape so we can do it all over again and drive you crazy. (the stretch my also be a factor in the vanity sizing). Don’t buy jeans with stretch.
-Signed, a girl who has made this mistake more than once
25. amber | November 15th, 2007 at 8:53 pm
I KNOW about the pants! And you know what’s worse altogether? Dresses are still accurate, or at least they appear to be. So I can wear a size fourteen dress (I have a huge ribcage) and size 8 pants. It’s sad, sad and pathetic.
26. Carolyn J. | November 15th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
While I am not gigantic, I am a large tall woman. I can now shop in more than one store, thanks to what is called “vanity sizing” but is a trend that is built on anthropometric studies, especially SizeUSA http://www.sizeusa.com . I hope that one day these studies will also help my smaller sisters shop in more stores. Maybe they can figure out why our pants all get baggy in the ass while they’re at it,
27. Sarcomical | November 16th, 2007 at 12:43 am
i’ve noticed that GAP tends to be more generous in its sizing than, say, Hollister. but honestly i’ve not come across a lot of jeans that get terrifically baggy in the ass. maybe i need to buy some bigger jeans so i can experience this phenomenon? dammit.
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