Makes Sense to Me
November 15th, 2007
I went to Sephora yesterday to get some lip gloss and eyeliner, and remembered that I’d been meaning to search for some night moisturizer and the sales associate, oh the SALES ASSOCIATE, she referred to my skin as “severely dehydrated,” and clucked her disapproval at its crepe-like appearance.
“How … how can we fix this?” I was panicked, because the situation was so obviously SEVERE and URGENT and did I want fine lines and wrinkles? NO! NO! STOP THIS MADNESS! Thirty-three dollars later, I had my answer — Boscia night cream, if you care and after one night it’s okay, I mean, I don’t see any significant results befitting the desperate, desperate situation I was so clearly in. I would think that I should have heard my pores slurping the way I do a vanilla milkshake, right?
In other retail news, I was desperate for some plug-in air fresheners, I don’t know why, and a friend recommended Bath & Body Works Wallflowers, and while I’m sure they smell lovely in small doses, my entire house smells like a spiced pumpkin vomited all over the walls, because I dropped it on the cold tile within five seconds of opening the package. Glass, fine, it’s annoying, but the pumpkin! The pumpkin fragrance! I was complimented on it today, like it was a personal choice to smell like sweet cinnamon pumpkin.
By the way, I was right about my mammogram — righter than I thought I’d be, sadly. Apparently my extra-special boobs are extra-cysty and there’s one cyst in particular that requires the attention of Super Boob Guy, who will examine the cyst with cold, cold hands, then follow up with a personal Super Special Boob Guy mammogram and ultrasound. Maybe he won’t insist that my boobs be jammed in there like a stubborn car key.
Incidentally, I’m sick and have buried my sinuses in a vat of Thai hot and sour soup and the thing is, being sick is all my fault! All my fault! Adam got sick, and I — no, we – rationalized that since in the nine years we’ve been together, we’ve never passed a cold between us, kissing was okay. And while the kissing itself was more than okay, it was actually entirely not okay in the germy realm, and history has been made! History! I caught a cold from my husband, and the grand irony is that he won’t let me kiss him. And that, my friends, is one of the most unfair things ever.
(I so feel like licking his hands, tongue and nostrils in his sleep for small vengeance.)
And at this rate — this feverish, very tired rate — I will not be attending the wedding I am expected at this weekend, and precisely how big of a douchebag does that make me? It’s not a close friend, but it’s a friend and I just … well, I don’t want to go with a raging fever. So what do I do? Do I CALL him the morning of his wedding? I’m not saying it’s a definite no, I just … I mean, it would not be fun with a fever no no no. No?
I also couldn’t sleep worth a poop last night, and when I considered aloud that perhaps the cat’s incessant snuggling was at fault, Adam not-so-politely informed me that perhaps it was the “freight train shooting out of my nose” that kept the whole house up. Sexy. I am OH SO SEXY.
With that, I think … well, I’d considered another non-sequitur, but right now, my head feels like it’s attached to a string and is floating off maybe somewhere in New Jersey while my body remains firmly anchored to the bed. The bed it will unfortunately have to depart, because there are people on vacation tomorrow and they must be covered for! Covered! With snot, perhaps, because that’s the best I can offer right now. Would you like some, perhaps as a deliciously sweet and salty ham glaze?
Happy Friday!
*Widespread Panic
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
15 Comments Add your own
1. amber | November 15th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
I love sephora, but sadly am nowhere near an actual store, so I have to do all of my irresponsible splurging online, where there are no testers to be had. Have you tried the Tarte double-ended lipgloss, named after famous couples? It’s the absolute best ever.
And: I would totally get revenge and pass the cold right back to him, by whatever means necessary.
2. nabbalicious | November 15th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Sephora is a dangerous, dangerous place. I never let those salespeople talk to me unless they’re buying!
Oh, yeah. And totally lick your husband.
3. AndreAnna | November 16th, 2007 at 4:15 am
Oooh, if your body is in Jersey, I will make it some soup!
And for extra dry skin (I have psoriasis and eczema.. yay me!) and the only only only only thing that ever works and I swear by on my face is Cetaphil moisturizing cream.. the kind in the tub.Not the lotion in the pump.. it MUST be the CREAM in the TUB (ooh, that sounded naughty), It feels like thick cream going on, but then your pores drink it, say “ahhh” and go to sleep. I use it every night and finally get compliments on how great my skin looks – so fresh and supple!!
But using it in the morning can make you feel greasy, although I do use it on my legs after I shave them in the shower, because in the winter? My legs flake off enough skin to create a whole new human. So gross, but so true. And this stuff has been the ONLY stuff that works.
And it’s non-comedogenic AND no fragrance so you won’t smell like a field of wildlfowers or an apple pie.
Wow, I totally just sounded like a commercial. They should so pay me.
4. Swistle | November 16th, 2007 at 4:44 am
“Snot as ham glaze” is either the funniest or the grossest thing I have read this morning. Jury = still out.
5. claire | November 16th, 2007 at 6:48 am
Ooh, pumpkin spice? That does sound good…
Maybe not the whole bottle at once, but in small doses, definitely. I could imagine the whole bottle making me a bit nauseous.
Eat your soup and stay in bed this weekend – weddings are not fun with a fever.
6. TwoBusy | November 16th, 2007 at 7:21 am
Adam’s gotta face up to the Law of Germ Reciprocity — snot exchange is a two-way street, my friend. Like it or not, what thou givest, thou must be willing to take away.
7. Nilsa S. | November 16th, 2007 at 9:17 am
As someone in the middle of planning her own wedding and who has spoken with a number of people who already celebrated their vows, let your b-list friend know you’re sick and won’t attend the wedding. Maybe a text message or email is easier than an actual call – but do something. The way my friends speak of the no-shows (who didn’t call ahead) isn’t pretty.
8. Val | November 16th, 2007 at 9:34 am
$33 an ounce? Is it gold? Anyway, I’m cheap and thoroughly in love with my Neutrogena Healthy Skin Face Lotion Night. I don’t usually oooh and ahhh over moisturizers, but I tell you what, I do love this stuff. Within two days I noticed a difference. My skin has been smoother and much healthier. So. There’s my plug.
I am also sick. With a head cold. And a seriously nasty cough. I cannot begin to explain the looks I’m garnering from co-workers as I hack through the day. But I’ve had it for a week, so its not like I can stay at home the whole time. Regular doses of Robitussin DM (yes, I’m 5) seem to help keep the cough from raging out of control. And, my husband refuses to come within five feet of me, let alone kiss me. And now your cold transmission has proven that he is justified in keeping his distance!
Feel better!
9. jonniker | November 16th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Nilsa: oh my GOD, I would never not call or anything. I actually only viewed my options as either a) call and apologize like a motherfucker, maybe with some tears and a doctor’s note; or b) go anyway, all fevered up and feeling horrible. I was leaning towards b), but that … that seems horrible to do to him, too, because I am a) horribly unattractive and b) sick, oh so bloody sick and fevery and if I were a guest at a wedding, would I want to sit next to the fevered girl?
10. Andrea | November 16th, 2007 at 10:47 am
See, you describing the sales person at Sephora reminded me of that scene in The Truth About Cats and Dogs wherein the pretty girl Noelle (Uma Thurman) takes the homely girl Abby (Janeane Garofalo) to the makeup counter and the sales person uses unkind words to talk Abby into buying all kinds of stuff that looks HORRIBLE on her. Maybe there’s some truth to the sales person’s pitch about taking care of her skin, but really, it was clear the sales person was out for a big commission and a good laugh at someone else’s expense. Which then, that scene is followed by one of the best lines ever in a movie between two women. When Abby is bawling about how she’s not as bad as the sales lady made her out, and that guys would want her, Noelle says, “I’d fuck ya,” with such solemnity.
And yeah, Adam deserves to be treated like a Tootsie Pop. Okay that came out WAY more personal than I anticipated. If you can’t get near him to actually lick him, offer kindly to get him a glass of wine or a soda or whatever is his beverage of choice. Then, lick the glass/can while you’re blocked by the fridge door, and present him the tainted beverage with a flourish. He’ll never know. Then maybe, you could complain about how some germs are airborne and then talk him into one of those Sharper Image air purifiers and that could help get rid of the pumpkin spice smell. A solution to nearly the entire set of problems, all tidy and neat-like.
And I would stay home from the wedding, were I in your shoes. Two words, receiving line. If there is one, it will be clear to both the bride and groom that you don’t feel well, and there will be much hesitation of shaking of hands in congratulations, and you don’t want to risk spreading the cold from your hands to theirs, especially if they’re going on a honeymoon. That’s not really a good wedding gift to bring to someone. They should understand, especially with a call in advance. I hope you feel better soon.
11. Andrea | November 16th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Oh, and I hope the extra tests on your boobs are not jam-worthy or painful and that it turns out to be fine.
12. maya | November 16th, 2007 at 11:34 am
I would probably go to the wedding and dash off the instant the cake is cut (but I have a sort of sickness about weddings so nevermind). No really, do everyone a favor and call them up apologize and don’t spread The Sick any further. I am barely allowed to go to Sephora but would like to reccomend the “dear John” cream for your face – it is really moisturizing but somehow a) doesnt make me break out b) light enough to use am and pm.
Sending virtual soup and best get-well wishes,
Maya
13. Page | November 17th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
If you are willing to lay down some cash, Jurliques wrinkle remover/ skin softener is the BOMB. I started having odd flaky patches on my face and this cured it, and even when my skin is fine, it’s incredible. It’s also ridiculously expensive and quite worth it. I’ve tried the stuff you have and philosophy’s Hope in a Jar, but I didn’t feel like either was in any way great.
Hope the boob exam goes well. I’m hopng you avoid the “boobtube” (mammogram) and it turns out to be nothing of consequence. And good for you on the Hot and Sour soup. Cures all ills. HFBS!
14. kris | November 18th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
I am 100 percent certain that you are the only woman who could speak so elegantly about snot. Hope you’re feeling better.
15. Gentry | November 23rd, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Mammograms: Why don’t they have us lay on a table, like a massage table with a hole where our breasts are, so gravity does most of the work….then they smash them between the cold plates (that could perhaps, be warmed to body temperature in this new contraption). They’ve always got me standing on my toes, one shoulder leaningin, the other out. It’s ridiculous.
Who wants to patent this for me?
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