Come on, Come Out
December 2nd, 2007
For once, I put my money where my mouth is unlike past recommendation-request posts (see: vacuums, as I haven’t upgraded yet, and just used my ancient Eureka for the frillionth time), and went to Barnes & Noble and picked up a few books — “The Devil in the White City” the first in the pile, because there were five of you – FIVE! – who enthusiastically recommended it, even those who generally read fiction, like me. I’m cracking it open this evening, and I’m rather excited about it, so thank you!
In the “Oh, the irony — it BURNS LIKE THE HOT SUN!” category, I also picked up Michael Chabon’s “The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay,” which is something I’ve been meaning to read since it came out a few years ago. This, of course, means that I am gleefully lining the pockets of the Chabon-Waldman family, and in some strange way, am contributing to Ayelet Waldman’s uncanny ability to be as condescending as humanly possible. (For a nice, succinct reason as to why I’ve always been … lukewarm at best, on Ms. Waldman, read here. That’s really just the tip of the iceberg.) (Thanks, Lawyerish!)
And yet! I loved Chabon’s “Mysteries of Pittsburgh” and “Wonder Boys” remains one of my favorite books AND movies (though Chabon didn’t write the screenplay to the latter, both are equally good), and one of my neighbors is wonderful and funny and kind and his wife … well, his wife isn’t, to put it nicely, and I hate punishing him because he married a bit of a douche, and I suppose the same theory applies. I’ll just try not to think of the satin sheets I helped the Chaldmans procure with my purchase, and I will try extra-hard not to envision what they do between those sheets, despite Waldman’s relentless reminders.
(For the record, it’s never been the meat of her mothering essay that bothered me, it’s the … well, it’s the condescension with which she presents her ideas. Like those who harbor views different from hers are merely poor, unenlightened sacks worthy of pity.)
Anyway! Anyone who’s sold a house well, ever, can appreciate the misery that is living while it’s on the market. A knife in the sink is not just a knife in the sink, it is a knife in the heart of the prospective buyer who does not want to know that you eat peanut butter. He doesn’t want to know that you use cocoa butter on your legs and he definitely doesn’t want to know that you wear underwear, so for the love of God, put the laundry away! PUT THE LAUNDRY AWAY BECAUSE THE BUYER MIGHT BE AT YOUR HOUSE IN A MINUTE OMG.
Don’t get me wrong — I like a clean house, really I do, but it’s reached the point where I’m afraid to eat, lest a rogue crumb escape my lips and breed and multiply and ruin my chances of moving out of this house as long as I live, forever and ever, amen. All because of a blueberry muffin.
This also means we won’t be decorating for Christmas, which breaks my heart a little, but there it is. It’s particularly sad because we lived in apartments and tiny condos for so long that we were never able to decorate — one of the things we were so excited about moving into our own! house! was that we could finally hang lights like normal people and OH HANG LIGHTS WE DID. Most years, you could see our house from space, and Adam started clamoring for decorations the day after Thanksgiving.
The grand irony in all of this is that Adam was raised Jewish, and yet … he’s the most enthusiastic Christmas decorator you’ve ever met, in large part because he can finally participate, I guess. I don’t know. At any rate, if it were solely up to him, our house would look as though a thousand tiny elves threw up all over the place.
But this year, we’re too terrified of offending anyone to hang anything that smacks of the slightest whiff of religion, because with our luck, we’ll find the one non-Christian couple within a 500-mile radius and they will be offended by our (entirely secular) lights. This would be an astonishing stroke of poor luck , as we live in a part of the country where the Pledge of Allegiance AND at least three prayers are said before any business meeting, but I’m not putting it past our craptastic luck.
And with that, I’m off to fold the 8,897 load of laundry today. I hope you had a great weekend! Happy Monday!
*As in, come on, come out and for the love of God, does anyone want to buy my house? Pretty please? But it’s by A Fine Frenzy, if that’s what you meant. I mean, she’s fine and all — I actually really like her voice — but she’s extremely overrated. The review on iTunes is spot-on. The only reason I can conjure for the ridiculous excitement and … frenzy … around her is that she attracts the teen set after appearing in One Tree Hill. I mean, reading some of the reviews online, I was expecting JESUS HIMSELF to be singing to me, and perhaps I was set up for disappointment from the get-go. Maybe that’s it. Although she is an improvement over Ashlee Simpson, as one iTunes reviewer noted.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
19 Comments Add your own
1. Tina | December 2nd, 2007 at 7:23 pm
This might sound silly…..Have you heard about burying a statue of St. Joseph to sell your home? If you have a condo, you can use flower pot….no joke. It works. It REALLY works.
I’ve been a faithful reader for a long time and love your stories. I wish you the best of luck.
2. Mere | December 2nd, 2007 at 7:43 pm
An opinion from a realtor – DO decorate. Do it very tastefully and minimally, but a tree this time of year should speak to almost everyone. But take the pics and the virtual tour first…so you know, if the house is on the market in 8 weeks no one can tell from the pics.
3. Joni | December 3rd, 2007 at 6:22 am
Devil in the White City is wonderful. If you are a history dork like me, the Chicago History Museum website has a wonderful synopsis of the World’s Columbian Exposition and lots of pictures to help illustrate the story. If I wasn’t so technologically illiterate, I would like to the page (http://www.encyclopedia.chicagohistory.org/pages/1386.html)
4. Beth | December 3rd, 2007 at 6:57 am
When my parents were trying to sell my childhood home, I was convinced that my mom would tell me we had a showing even when we didn’t just to get me to clean my room. If no one showed up, she could always just say, “Oh, they canceled!”
But no Christmas decorations? What if that tells prospective buyers that you’re descendants of Scrooge, devoid of feelings? One of the reasons I bought my house is because I knew how well-loved it was by the previous owners.
And as for A Fine Frenzy, I saw her and her dudes perform as an opening act for Brandi Carlile. I found Ms. Frenzy to be a bit too cutesy and wide-eyed, but I ended up buying her album on iTunes. Looking back, I’m not sure why. Impulse purchase, I guess.
5. ali | December 3rd, 2007 at 7:35 am
i *like* A Fine Frenzy…
6. jonniker | December 3rd, 2007 at 7:46 am
Ali: I like her too. It’s just that, honestly, after reading some of the reviews online, like I said, I was expecting some sort of GODDESS-LIKE ENTITY to come out of my car speakers. When she didn’t, I was disappointed. I’m glad I have the album, but I think she’s generally overrated, given the flurry of reviews that made it seem like Christmas miracles were coming out.
It didn’t help that I bought Jesca Hoop right afterwards.
7. nabbalicious | December 3rd, 2007 at 8:33 am
Oooh, I’m dying to know what you think of it! I’m so excited you’re reading it.
Also, you couldn’t pay me to move back to Florida, girl. Sorry! I hope your house sells soon, though.
8. fairydogmother | December 3rd, 2007 at 8:45 am
Like Beth, I also saw A Fine Frenzy open for Brandi Carlile. And while Alison Sudol seemed quite sweet, and appeared to do quite well in singer-songwriter 101, I spent most of her set wishing I were watching Tori Amos or Rachael Yamagata instead. When I wasn’t feeling stuck in a Lilith Fair time warp, that is.
That might have been patently unfair to A Fine Frenzy, because Brandi Carlile is stunningly amazing live. But I really didn’t think the two bands were an especially good match.
I do have to admit that Sudol’s songs are catchy, and they do get stuck in my head rather easily. And that is an improvement over that godforsaken Delilah song that was EVERYWHERE this summer and refused to get out of my head for months on end. I hate it with a passion. A PASSION!
9. Andrea | December 3rd, 2007 at 10:13 am
For the couple months our house was on the market we had about 8 couples walk through. 3 of those 8 times, I had accidentally left a bra hanging on a hanger to dry in our laundry closet. Mor-ti-fied was I.
I’m with the realtor: a few Christmas decorations couldn’t hurt. Maybe just a little elfin drool instead of the entire contents of the elfin stomach, non? Besides, it makes the house appear loved.
10. Lawyerish | December 3rd, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Obviously follow whatever advice you get from professional-types who are paid to know this sort of thing, but I would think hauling out the holly (in a tasteful, decorative manner, of course) could only work in your favor. It creates a certain warmth and spirit in a house, no matter what the buyers’ persuasion. Plus how cute is it that Adam is Mr. Christmas?
11. TwoBusy | December 3rd, 2007 at 8:22 pm
“…as though a thousand tiny elves threw up all over the place.”
Aaaaand that’s an image that will stay in my head through the remainder of this holiday season. Thanks!
12. Mauigirl52 | December 3rd, 2007 at 8:56 pm
I agree with Lawyerish and the others who said it would be OK to decorate (tastefully, of course, not with elf vomit, LOL!) – in fact, it could work against you if someone who was rabidly pro-Christmas came to your house and saw nary a piece of tinsel nor a single string of lights.
13. Lara | December 4th, 2007 at 10:11 am
Hmm. Commenting whilst balancing a bowl of soup on one’s stomach is harder than you might think. ANyhoo. I had no idea Ayelet Waldman was married to Michael Chabon. And damn, you’re right about her condescension. Ugh! Someone should kick her in the teeth. Also, good luck with the home sale – and I totally think you can decorate for xmas. And – I wasn’t all that wowed by Devil in the White City (alas, I am too late). Can’t wait to hear your reaction.
14. Kristin H | December 4th, 2007 at 11:06 am
I don’t know about St. Joseph’s statues because I’ve never tried that, but when we were having trouble selling our house in Michigan, I did change some things around so the house was more in line with feng shui principles. I think we had an offer in a few weeks. Coincidence? I have no idea. I was just damn glad to have the house off my hands.
15. TB | December 4th, 2007 at 11:44 am
I have to respectfully disagree about A Fine Frenzy. I had never heard of her until we saw her open for Rufus Wainwright and Neko Case. She is extremely talented. Amazing voice and self taught pianist.
I’ll agree that her first album is a little poppy when it comes to lyrics, but I’m hoping she’ll mature over time and there are a few really great songs, The Minnow and the Trout and Almost Lover are my favorites.
PS – HI! Let’s get together soon, maybe before the New Year.
16. Heather B. | December 4th, 2007 at 11:51 am
I was going to offer advice but I’m having one of those days where anything I say makes me sound like an asshole. So I’ll just give you a robust ‘Good luck with selling!’ and be on my way.
17. She Likes Purple | December 4th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
I TiVo One Tree Hill. I own two Ashlee Simpson CDs.
And I’ll be 26 in less than a month.
You’re going to block my IP address, aren’t you?
18. jonniker | December 4th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
Jennie: I have a soft spot for Ashelee Simpson. I LOVED her reality show. Loved.
Stone me if you must.
19. Carolyn J. | December 4th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
Thanks for the book recommendations. I’d completely forgotten about Kavalier & Clay – I’d meant to read it ages ago!
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