Heaven or Las Vegas
December 12th, 2007
I woke myself up snoring last night by way of what I am convinced was the loudest snore on record, if such things could be measured. Of course, I woke up everyone else, too, and when I opened my eyes with horror, wondering what, exactly that goddamn noise was and can’t people keep it DOWN in here? I noticed that there were three sets of eyes staring at me with a general air of pissed-offedness — for the record, the cat was the most peeved.
Snoring is not new, of course, as I have tonsils the size of meatballs, but a chest cold and congestion takes the existing snoring and cranks it up to 11 — Adam has been sleeping with ear plugs for most of the years we’ve been together out of sheer necessity. I’m told I was snoring in infancy, and I’m shamed to admit that it hasn’t let up. It was great fun to hesitantly warn new boyfriends when we would be in the first throes of staying over together.
Anywho, I’ve been wildly distracted lately by the never-ending year-end wrap-ups (Hi hyphens! Nice of you to come!) of people who died in 2007, and for some reason I’m riveted. I mean, I’m not riveted by death, per se, but I can’t get past the fact that I seem to be morbidly obsessed with how they died. I can’t even read the whole tribute to who they were, why they mattered, blah blah blah, without knowing HOW DID THEY DIE FOR GOD’S SAKE, JUST TELL ME. I don’t know why it matters, for certainly it offers no prophylactic benefit for how I live my life, unless of course, they all died from eating too many chocolate chip cookies, in which case please prepare my portion of the multimedia presentation for Boston.com for 2008 at your leisure.
What is this, this weird desire to know this? (Incidentally, this section was edited later to remove suicide references of family members, because though yes, they were illustrative of the issue at hand, they were also … coming across a little nuts and ah, SERIOUSLY, it took a dangerously sad turn, and that’s really not how I was feeling, I was just trying to make a point. Sometimes I can be remarkably eloquent, and sometimes I can just ramble incoherently and sound like some kind of suicide bride).
I wonder why that is. I’m guessing I’m not alone here — although certainly feel free to tell me if this is some sort of deep, dark warning side of a truly tormented soul. Or you know, don’t, because I don’t think I’d believe you. Part of me wonders if it’s the logical side of us that can rationalize the mechanics of it all, the physical whys of how a life just ends, in the absence of emotional understanding. Although that doesn’t really explain my desire to know exactly what “natural causes” means in the case of Lady Bird Johnson. (NATURAL CAUSES? That’s the best you can do? I get that it’s a euphemism for old age, but cancer is, in theory, a natural cause. Sheesh. Some of us want actual information.)
I think that’s plenty of that kind of death talk, not only for today, but maybe ever. Unless sometime next week you want to talk about estate planning, and if that doesn’t really make you stare death in the face in the most practical sense of the concept, I don’t know what does.
So hey! Guess what? It’s Sunny’s birthday, and she turned two today. And I, ah, bought her presents. Yes, yes, I know, I know, I need a baby or something, I KNOW. But she loved them, and she’s now sacked out with her face buried in her brand-new stuffed pheasant that she “killed” all by her little self, and is gleefully stuffed with chewy bones.
*Cocteau Twins.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
13 Comments Add your own
1. H | December 13th, 2007 at 6:44 am
I watch a lot of old movies (love the 40′s, 50′s and 60′s) on TCM. When I watch a movie, I almost always read the synopsis and cast information on the TCM site and then link to the biographical information so I can find out if and when the actor/actress died and how. I have no idea why I find it so interesting. I also like to read about their family — spouses, companions, children. I guess it is kind of like a version of People magazine? I’ve even been known to go to Wikipedia or IMDb if TCM doesn’t satisfy my curiosity.
2. TwoBusy | December 13th, 2007 at 7:13 am
a. I don’t see anything remotely unusual about that kind of morbid fascination — celebrities are just an interesting story to us, and it’s natural for us to want to know (in detail) how the story ends.
b. My favorite Cocteau song. Thank you for planting it in my head… I’ll be humming it as I shovel later today.
c. Now we know how you first attracted Adam. “Dude… check out the tonsils on her…”
3. She Likes Purple | December 13th, 2007 at 8:24 am
We buy our dog a Wacky Pack from Sonic on her birthday. We need a baby, too. Although Molly is sort of hoping it doesn’t work out for us. She seems to enjoy the gig she’s got.
4. One Smart Cookie | December 13th, 2007 at 8:49 am
I am equally fascinated with the dead people. Also, have you seen the feature on Boston.com where they give random celebrities and who they are endorsing for President? My favorite story in that bunch was Chuck Norris… but it is incredibly entertaining to try to guess who they are supporting and why.
5. Stop Your Snoring »&hellip | December 13th, 2007 at 10:35 am
[...] Heaven or Las Vegas [...]
6. ie | December 13th, 2007 at 11:07 am
I’ve always wanted to know the “why” and “natural causes” do not cut the mustard.
Glad to know I’m not the only one!
7. magpie's mama | December 13th, 2007 at 11:49 am
My biggest snafoo with obits is when it relates to a child. So sad, so incredibly sad that as a mother I couldn’t ever imagine! But for whatever reason, I MUST KNOW how/what/why/where! Maybe to protect my daughter from the same untimely death? I don’t know. I’ll never understand. But I do understand your position on the whole thing. Glad I’m not the only one who thinks of these types of things.
8. Amanda Brown | December 13th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
My mom is a snorer and it made for terrible family vacations. We’d all be crammed into a hotel room, she’d be sawing logs and I would be ready to SNAP so I would often steal a duvet and sleep in the dry bathtub. No lie.
Happy Birthday, Sunny! A pheasant sounds like a mighty fine gift.
9. cassidy | December 13th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Since childhood I have enjoyed walking through cemeteries and looking at headstones. I am always DYING to know how anyone under the age of 20 died. WHAT HAPPENED? Did they choke? Was it drugs? Cancer? Car Crash? Were they poisoned by their mother? Give me SOMETHING! I promise that if I have a child die, I will let the world know what happened.
10. Christine | December 13th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
Hey you, I feel like it’s been oh three million years since I last commented…you see, your site is blocked at work, the time when I check the most (while being completely productive and totally worth the peanuts they pay me, lest someone is checking).
Anyway, Happy Birthday to Sunny. And I bought Ninja some gifts today, although we certainly don’t know his birthday…shelter kitty that he is.
Oh and if you want you can always remove the tonsils. It sucks. But you get hydrocodone cough type syrup, if that’s any benefit. Although, I will let you know, it could be worst…you could be a habitually drooler rather than snorer.
Last, but not least, I too am fascinated with how people die. Love watching crime investigation shows (the real ones, not the CSI type series) and TLC specials like woman has tumor removed that turns out to be semi parasitic twin! with teeth!
11. Swistle | December 14th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
I always want to know. Does “died suddenly at home” mean suicide, or falling down the stairs, or electrocution, or heart attack, or WHAT? I read the “in lieu of flowers” to see if I can figure it out: if they want a donation made to a society dealing with diabetes, does that tell me anything or not?
12. Mauigirl | December 14th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
I’m so glad I’m not the only one. I do exactly the same thing. Our local New Jersey paper NEVER tells the cause of death. I don’t mind if the person was 93. I kind of expect people of 93 to die. But if the people who are dead are my age or younger, or really any age below 70, I want to know WHY. Because it’s not fair if someone my age or younger dies. Why does one person die at 54 and another live 40 more freakin’ years? It just doesn’t make sense. So I too look at the donation directions for clues.
But the New York Times – ah, my favorite, New York Times – they ALWAYS tell the cause of death. And I think it pisses them off if they can’t find out. If they don’t tell the cause they actually feel obliged to apologize for it. “No cause of death was given.” At least I know they tried.
13. Leaf, probably... | December 20th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
I snore too, and I’ve convinced myself that it’s actually sexy, so that I don’t have to face the thought of myself making sounds like a cow dying while my boyfriend looks on in facinated horror….
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