Falling Silent in the Dark

We’re heading to the great northern tundra for the holidays, and I needed to ask my neighbors to watch our house-slash-cat, and oh I made it as awkward as humanly possible. This of course, will be no great surprise to anyone who’s been reading this website for more than five minutes.

This time, however, I think I even outdid myself, when I pulled up in front of their house as they were standing outside to just pop out and say, hey! Will you watch the house? And … they didn’t see me and I realized they were heading into their car, and it would be inappropriate to stop them. But I was already out of MY car when I realized this and so I tried to … I tried to dart quickly back to my car without them seeing me, but the thing is that they DID see me, so both of them (BOTH OF THEM) launched wildly out of their minivan like there was some kind of EMERGENCY — or, more likely, a mouthbreathing stalker — as they nervously yelled, “HELLO THERE. WE SEE YOU. WHO ARE YOU?”

And … and I was just left standing there panicking in the dark until I popped out from behind my car and announced, “It’s me! I’m … I’m really sorry to accost you in your driveway and then lurk behind my car. I am … I am really embarrassed.”

That’s … well, that’s exactly what I said to the letter, and I kind of wish I were kidding. I think that summed up the situation nicely, and I’m sure the hysterical nervous laughter and wild hand gestures drove the point home (“I realized you were leaving and tried to leave before you saw me and I bothered you, but I couldn’t get there fast enough and I’m so sorry!” HAND GESTURE HAND GESTURE HAND GESTURE FLAILING HAND FARKING GESTURE).

And then I stood there as they clutched their chests with relief and confusion, because by then I had completely forgotten why I was there, and I still hadn’t explained WHY I was lurking behind my Honda, and it took me a solid three minutes to remember why I embarked on this awkward, ridiculous mission. And if you think three minutes isn’t any time at all, oh, you are WRONG, and anyone who’s ever used an ovulation prediction kit can tell you EXACTLY how long three minutes is (AN EXPENSIVE, USELESS ETERNITY).

But they were happy to do it, even if they went to dinner thinking I was a bit of a nutter, which — let’s be honest — isn’t an inaccurate assessment.

All of this drama to protect the house I kind of don’t like AND a cat who scratches my face off twice a week.

Anyway! It’s pomegranate season, and I’ve been eating one every chance I get, and my God, while those suckers are strangely delicious and tart, they really are kind of giant glorified cranberries, aren’t they? Giant, glorified cranberries that take at least fifteen minutes to prepare, which is interminably frustrating and more than a little obsessive with the never-ending seed picking and juice smearing, and hey, did you know that each of them has exactly, and I mean PRECISELY, 840 seeds? Nature is so randomly awesome.

In addition to all of this holiday awkwardness and merriment, I am currently so busy at work that my eyeballs are bleeding. One of the greatest joys (ho ho NOT) of my business is that when you take a vacation or have a holiday, my job doesn’t slow down or stop for anything, be it a holiday, vacation or national tragedy (actually, I dread a national tragedy for reasons so far beyond the obvious, because in addition to whatever personal reaction to said tragedy, I would have an obligation and odd desire to deal with said tragedy in some kind of professional, public manner and OH THE BLEEDING EYES).

Ergo, I have to finish everything I have on my plate for this week AND everything that could possibly come up for next week and the week after that (and after that, too!) and my head kind of feels like it’s trying to come squarely out of my ears in tiny, typeset strings. On the upside, I met a woman with the last name of Vulcan today and I couldn’t stop snickering.

And with that, I’m off to do more laundry because my dog just … well, honestly, she just farted directly into my face — my lips, to be more specific, as she was climbing on me and her butt was briefly passing right near my lips and it was … well, that makes it sound like I was doing something wildly inappropriate to her butt with my lips and I assure you, I wasn’t, it’s just that … oh, forget it. I’ve got laundry to do.

Happy Wednesday!

*Catie Curtis

23 comments December 18th, 2007