Falling Silent in the Dark
December 18th, 2007
We’re heading to the great northern tundra for the holidays, and I needed to ask my neighbors to watch our house-slash-cat, and oh I made it as awkward as humanly possible. This of course, will be no great surprise to anyone who’s been reading this website for more than five minutes.
This time, however, I think I even outdid myself, when I pulled up in front of their house as they were standing outside to just pop out and say, hey! Will you watch the house? And … they didn’t see me and I realized they were heading into their car, and it would be inappropriate to stop them. But I was already out of MY car when I realized this and so I tried to … I tried to dart quickly back to my car without them seeing me, but the thing is that they DID see me, so both of them (BOTH OF THEM) launched wildly out of their minivan like there was some kind of EMERGENCY — or, more likely, a mouthbreathing stalker — as they nervously yelled, “HELLO THERE. WE SEE YOU. WHO ARE YOU?”
And … and I was just left standing there panicking in the dark until I popped out from behind my car and announced, “It’s me! I’m … I’m really sorry to accost you in your driveway and then lurk behind my car. I am … I am really embarrassed.”
That’s … well, that’s exactly what I said to the letter, and I kind of wish I were kidding. I think that summed up the situation nicely, and I’m sure the hysterical nervous laughter and wild hand gestures drove the point home (“I realized you were leaving and tried to leave before you saw me and I bothered you, but I couldn’t get there fast enough and I’m so sorry!” HAND GESTURE HAND GESTURE HAND GESTURE FLAILING HAND FARKING GESTURE).
And then I stood there as they clutched their chests with relief and confusion, because by then I had completely forgotten why I was there, and I still hadn’t explained WHY I was lurking behind my Honda, and it took me a solid three minutes to remember why I embarked on this awkward, ridiculous mission. And if you think three minutes isn’t any time at all, oh, you are WRONG, and anyone who’s ever used an ovulation prediction kit can tell you EXACTLY how long three minutes is (AN EXPENSIVE, USELESS ETERNITY).
But they were happy to do it, even if they went to dinner thinking I was a bit of a nutter, which — let’s be honest — isn’t an inaccurate assessment.
All of this drama to protect the house I kind of don’t like AND a cat who scratches my face off twice a week.
Anyway! It’s pomegranate season, and I’ve been eating one every chance I get, and my God, while those suckers are strangely delicious and tart, they really are kind of giant glorified cranberries, aren’t they? Giant, glorified cranberries that take at least fifteen minutes to prepare, which is interminably frustrating and more than a little obsessive with the never-ending seed picking and juice smearing, and hey, did you know that each of them has exactly, and I mean PRECISELY, 840 seeds? Nature is so randomly awesome.
In addition to all of this holiday awkwardness and merriment, I am currently so busy at work that my eyeballs are bleeding. One of the greatest joys (ho ho NOT) of my business is that when you take a vacation or have a holiday, my job doesn’t slow down or stop for anything, be it a holiday, vacation or national tragedy (actually, I dread a national tragedy for reasons so far beyond the obvious, because in addition to whatever personal reaction to said tragedy, I would have an obligation and odd desire to deal with said tragedy in some kind of professional, public manner and OH THE BLEEDING EYES).
Ergo, I have to finish everything I have on my plate for this week AND everything that could possibly come up for next week and the week after that (and after that, too!) and my head kind of feels like it’s trying to come squarely out of my ears in tiny, typeset strings. On the upside, I met a woman with the last name of Vulcan today and I couldn’t stop snickering.
And with that, I’m off to do more laundry because my dog just … well, honestly, she just farted directly into my face — my lips, to be more specific, as she was climbing on me and her butt was briefly passing right near my lips and it was … well, that makes it sound like I was doing something wildly inappropriate to her butt with my lips and I assure you, I wasn’t, it’s just that … oh, forget it. I’ve got laundry to do.
Happy Wednesday!
*Catie Curtis
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
23 Comments Add your own
1. Sadie | December 18th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
you are just…you are just fucking crazy, that’s what. I like it, I like it.
and what’s even more fucking crazy is that I feel like I have done that exact same weird retreat when you realize your advance is fruitless, and then you are noticed and you look like a complete loon. wow, yeah, I can imagine it perfectly.
p.s. it really, really is the frozen tundra up here, yo. The Ice Bowl. the world is a skating rink full of jagged dirty hunks of glacial gunk, and massive expanses of glistening ice crust. THERE ARE NO CUTE SHOES THAT CAN CUT IT IN THIS CLIMATE.
2. Suebob | December 18th, 2007 at 9:23 pm
It is just too bad that you’re already married and that gay marriage isn’t legal and that neither you nor I is gay. Because I would so totally marry you if those four small things were not standing in the way.
3. H | December 18th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
We currently have a pomegranate obsession at our house. I love them, but they are a lot of work.
I’m in a line of work that has a huge quarterly push (March, June, September, December) and I hate hate hate the June and December mayhem. It makes me so tired that I can hardly enjoy our 4th of July and New Year’s celebrations. It also messes up my very favorite holiday of the year — April Fool’s Day. Anyway, I’m exhausted too. Can’t we all just take a nap?
4. Orange Peacock | December 19th, 2007 at 3:30 am
Oh, the nervous laughter. It’s really great when I do it, and people start to think that I’m not just stupid…I’m INSANE.
Also, I had my first pomegranate ever last week, and that was ENTIRELY too much effort for a fruit. Why, nature? WHY?
5. Lawyerish | December 19th, 2007 at 7:11 am
I had a pomegranate once in college and decided it was too much work for me. I felt like some kind of monkey poking and prodding and extracting single seeds at a time for what seemed like hours.
I am going to be giggling all day about the advance/retreat story. You kill me.
6. celebrate woo-woo | December 19th, 2007 at 10:45 am
I have found that I generally love all things pomegranate. I have pomegranate lotion and tea and juice, and my newest love is pomegranate ice cream bars dipped in dark chocolate…delicious little bites of sweetness and tart all in one;>
7. Mauigirl52 | December 19th, 2007 at 11:20 am
Choking with laughter…the fart by the lips!
I know what you mean about the awkward thing. I always feel weird when I have to ask my neighbors to do stuff for me or if I have to drop something off at someone’s house. I distribute flyers for my neighborhood association and always pray no one will be outside and see me dropping them off because then I say stupid stuff like “Oh HI! Hi! I live in the neighborhood! Just dropping off this flyer!” and gesture wildly at the piece of paper that I then hand them.
8. mar | December 19th, 2007 at 11:41 am
i have a pomegranate tattoo on my shoulder. thought that was more about my trip to israel than my love of pom at the time.
840? exactly? i’ve never heard that before.
and i so loathe the awkward accidental/on purpose neighbor run-ins. then again, you probably don’t have my creepy neighbor who ‘birdwatches’ with his binoculars, except there’s no trees, only other apartment windows.
9. Regina | December 19th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
too funny, i have to frequently ask my significant other ” So, how much of an asshole was i or how crazy did i seem THIS time.” so yeah can relate…
Pomegranates, here is an easy trick my finance taught me, if you cut it open then submerge it in water you can pop all the seeds out very quickly. He does this and i swear he has the thing de-seeded and ready to eat in a nice bowl in minutes without a stain in sight!
Figured as a first time posted i had to be at least helpful
10. TwoBusy | December 19th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Poor Adam.
11. Maya | December 19th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Times this entry has made me laugh innapropriately while talking to my mother: 13. Many thanks! The dog fart bit….SLAYED me. I thank you!
12. jonniker | December 19th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Mar: Yes! Google it, and you’ll see. It’s fascinating to me. I mean, how magical is that?
TB: You have no idea. I came home and told him and he just repeated, “No you didn’t. No, you didn’t. Did you really? NO YOU DIDN’T. YOU DARTED BEHIND THE CAR? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?”
13. Danell | December 19th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
HOW HOW HOW do you do that? Make your daily scenarios into such hilarious events??
And pug farts? Definitely hilarious…although probably not the tastiest.
14. She Likes Purple | December 19th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
Word to that ovulation kit side note.
Just word.
15. Carolyn J. | December 19th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
I wish you were my neighbour, we’d try to make you as comf as possible. Although you may not want to come live by me in a month like December, when we only get 7 or so hours of sunlight a day.
But now that I think about it, embarrassment is very difficult to achieve when it’s dark all the time….
16. LCA | December 19th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
I went through a commenting phase abut a year ago, then I lurked for a while, still very much enjoying your blog, but I have to tell you hat I’m crying with laughter at this post. And I’m laughing WITH you, because I can see that being me! It’s as good a the paint spilled on the garage floor post. (Which I just went back and re-read.) Oh, I adore you!
17. Trina | December 19th, 2007 at 11:16 pm
Dude. Petsitters! Even in my tiny-ass town, we have a couple services that will also perform housesitting duties (bonded and insured, of course!). The gal my service sends us is the sweetest thing *ever*, and takes the best care of our critters. And anything that allows me to avoid my neighbors is a good thing! Maybe it’s silly, but I just don’t want them in my house. Hell, if I could avoid it I would never have *anyone* in my house unsupervised. Especially not people I have to randomly encounter a few times a week.
As for pomegranates, I find them soothing. The reward is delicious, and obtaining the seeds allows me to indulge my compulsive tendencies in a positive way. I just wish they weren’t so darn expensive here!
18. amber | December 20th, 2007 at 12:04 am
Each orange-sized pomegranate has 840 seeds? Really? I had no idea. *marvel* I want to eat one, now!
19. Andrea | December 20th, 2007 at 7:55 am
I’ve never had an actual pomegranate but I have had the juice and a couple other pom flavored things. I just found the other day a 2 liter bottle of Pomegranate 7Up. Not quite sure how to feel about that. I love pom juice. And I love love love 7Up. But the two together? I guess I should just try it and see. But what if I love it and then they discontinue it? Plus, 7Up is supposed to be clear or tinted very lightly red. This stuff is dark red, near burgundy. It messes with my 7Up sensibilities.
WTF am I talking about ?
Pug farts. No matter what, where, how, or the sound of them, they are just funny.
20. Leaf, probably... | December 20th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Hehe, the whole time I was reading this I was snorting into my hot chocolate… (in a crowded office at work no less)
Also: It’s my first visit here (I came via a girl and a boy) and I love the pink because it’s not too girly. Especially the header! And the pink!
21. TB | December 21st, 2007 at 6:45 pm
Yay for Catie Curtis. She’s a Boston gal, but you probably already knew that.
Have a wonderful trip north and let’s get together when you return. I promise not to fart anywhere near your lips, unless of course your lips are somewhere close to my ass.
22. willikat | December 23rd, 2007 at 8:26 pm
i think the work you put into pomegranates is so worth the flavor. also, a lot of spendy grocery stores now offer little buckets full of those lovely seedy gems without the peeling. . . but it’s not the same. i don’t wnat to eat it unless i have purple fingernails afterward.
23. Lara | December 28th, 2007 at 8:15 am
You are hilarious, my friend. I had no idea that pomegranates all had precisely 840 seeds in them. Fantastic! Also – my crazy MIL taught me over Christmas that they are much easier to open up if you do it under water. I’m going to try this. Soon. I hope you had a wonderful holiday.
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