Lady

So it’s gotten down to the low 50s in the last few days (30s overnight!), and in addition to the general feeling that the world has ended, there has been an inordinate amount of Uggs and fur-lined parkas, like we live in freaking ALASKA. Actually, it reminds me of pictures of US Weekly’s “Stars! They’re Just Like Us!” for some reason, where everyone is mysteriously wearing Uggs, a scarf and North Face fleece in LA to go to the grocery store in October. Why, LA, why? This also reminds me: did anyone see the recent picture in US Weekly of Kim Cattrall with a straw jammed into a Diet Coke with the caption “They get their straws stuck!”

Seriously? That’s how far they have to reach? THEY GET THEIR STRAWS STUCK. I, for one, don’t use straws in my cans of Coke, so you can’t fool me, US Weekly!

For the first time in nearly three years, we turned our heat on last night — a first since we lived in this house, and while there was that tell-tale burning of brand-new heat, I also realized I have no idea how to turn heat on without sending us into ridiculous bouts of dry heaving sweat. I woke up this morning to a sickening, bone-dry 89 degrees in our bedroom, which is ridiculous.

This is all well and good and highly amusing, but I have to tell you, I’ve spent the last hour completely and totally distracted by this short documentary on the … well, it’s on the iDollator community. And by “iDollator” I mean the people who are so completely and totally enamored with their RealDolls (And uh, if you’re new to the RealDoll World, please, a warning: NSFW!), i.e. their lifelike, silicone dolls, that they … well, they don’t have relationships with actual people. They take them out, they photograph them, they tell them they love them … and they have sex with them. As a man in the documentary puts it, “I can get attached to inanimate objects. I’m not like most people. I don’t need a real girlfriend.”

Uh, oh my God?

Look, if I stretch my mind wide open, I can see the … appeal of a RealDoll, I suppose. It’s a high level of masturbation, and fine, whatever floats your boat. But this … attachment thing goes so far beyond a mere sex toy, I’m at a loss for words. One man in the documentary brought the camera crew into his bedroom and announced he’d had a “lovely romp” with his … well, whatever her name was (A DOLL) and that she was in there “sleeping it off,” which of course, she wasn’t, because she’s silicone, but further, he changed her face to a silicone sleeping face so that he could pretend that she was. This same man regularly took “family photos”of himself and his two dolls in action doing things like reading the morning paper and doing the crossword puzzles.

And I’m going to apologize right now for my next statement, but one dude in the documentary is shown cleaning out the silicone nethers of the doll with a toilet brush, announcing, “She was starting to smell like fish.”

Hold me.

I’m sorry for suggesting something that is not only vile and strangely riveting, but will also suck up 46 minutes of your afternoon. But I have to tell you, please bookmark that site right now, because it’s creepy, sad and one of the most fascinating things I’ve ever watched. Plus — and I might be paraphrasing here — you get to see a doll repairman lament with total sincerity, “This vagina is totally blown out and I am fresh out of vaginas!”

Happy Friday! Whoo!

*Regina Spektor

41 comments January 3rd, 2008