Lady

January 3rd, 2008

So it’s gotten down to the low 50s in the last few days (30s overnight!), and in addition to the general feeling that the world has ended, there has been an inordinate amount of Uggs and fur-lined parkas, like we live in freaking ALASKA. Actually, it reminds me of pictures of US Weekly’s “Stars! They’re Just Like Us!” for some reason, where everyone is mysteriously wearing Uggs, a scarf and North Face fleece in LA to go to the grocery store in October. Why, LA, why? This also reminds me: did anyone see the recent picture in US Weekly of Kim Cattrall with a straw jammed into a Diet Coke with the caption “They get their straws stuck!”

Seriously? That’s how far they have to reach? THEY GET THEIR STRAWS STUCK. I, for one, don’t use straws in my cans of Coke, so you can’t fool me, US Weekly!

For the first time in nearly three years, we turned our heat on last night — a first since we lived in this house, and while there was that tell-tale burning of brand-new heat, I also realized I have no idea how to turn heat on without sending us into ridiculous bouts of dry heaving sweat. I woke up this morning to a sickening, bone-dry 89 degrees in our bedroom, which is ridiculous.

This is all well and good and highly amusing, but I have to tell you, I’ve spent the last hour completely and totally distracted by this short documentary on the … well, it’s on the iDollator community. And by “iDollator” I mean the people who are so completely and totally enamored with their RealDolls (And uh, if you’re new to the RealDoll World, please, a warning: NSFW!), i.e. their lifelike, silicone dolls, that they … well, they don’t have relationships with actual people. They take them out, they photograph them, they tell them they love them … and they have sex with them. As a man in the documentary puts it, “I can get attached to inanimate objects. I’m not like most people. I don’t need a real girlfriend.”

Uh, oh my God?

Look, if I stretch my mind wide open, I can see the … appeal of a RealDoll, I suppose. It’s a high level of masturbation, and fine, whatever floats your boat. But this … attachment thing goes so far beyond a mere sex toy, I’m at a loss for words. One man in the documentary brought the camera crew into his bedroom and announced he’d had a “lovely romp” with his … well, whatever her name was (A DOLL) and that she was in there “sleeping it off,” which of course, she wasn’t, because she’s silicone, but further, he changed her face to a silicone sleeping face so that he could pretend that she was. This same man regularly took “family photos”of himself and his two dolls in action doing things like reading the morning paper and doing the crossword puzzles.

And I’m going to apologize right now for my next statement, but one dude in the documentary is shown cleaning out the silicone nethers of the doll with a toilet brush, announcing, “She was starting to smell like fish.”

Hold me.

I’m sorry for suggesting something that is not only vile and strangely riveting, but will also suck up 46 minutes of your afternoon. But I have to tell you, please bookmark that site right now, because it’s creepy, sad and one of the most fascinating things I’ve ever watched. Plus — and I might be paraphrasing here — you get to see a doll repairman lament with total sincerity, “This vagina is totally blown out and I am fresh out of vaginas!”

Happy Friday! Whoo!

*Regina Spektor

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41 Comments Add your own

  • 1. -R-  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    I am way to scared to watch that documentary. I am pretty sure there are some things I would just rather not know about.

  • 2. Dave  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 8:44 pm

    I have to admit that I haven’t read your blog in months although I still see your posts in Google Reader and I only popped in to read this one post to totally bust you on being so amazingly uncool and dropping Kenny Rogers on a post title. Imagine my surprise to find out that I am the uncool one because you are hopefully blissfully unaware of who Kenny Rogers is, or at worst think he’s an MLB pitcher prone to roid rage.

    In any case, my own uncoolness which then led me to read the entire post. I will first say that I’m as horrified as you to hear about this culture of robosexuals but, frankly, I have to admit that there are two very significant reasons leading to this weird society. First, men are men. You can read that with whatever positive or negative spin you want, either way supports my conclusion. The second point, is that women, especially the hotties, are unbelievably high maintenance. I live with three women of various sizes and I can guarantee that whatever the animatronic hoochies cost, mine cost approximate a billion times more. I’m happy with my choice, mostly because I’m old enough to appreciate them, but good lord, I got married when I was 23 and if they had this kind of technology back then, anything could have happened. I refuse to believe there are not days when you would trade your significant other in for a couple of C cells.

  • 3. Dave  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 8:50 pm

    Holy.

    Crap.

    I just watched the first two minutes of the documentary before I got creeped out and had to click over to Amazon and buy something for my wife.

  • 4. jonniker  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 8:57 pm

    Oh Dave. YES. It’s insane. INSANE. AND RIVETING. DAVECAT AND THE ASIAN DOLL OMG.

    Also, I totally know Kenny Rogers and can sing “Lady” in its entirety, along with “Islands in the Stream” with Dolly Parton.

  • 5. Jen  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 9:00 pm

    Surely you’ve heard of the movie Lars and the Real Girl starring Ryan Gosling? It’s all about this guy who buys one of those dolls and pretends she’s real. It’s actually quite charming, especially since there’s no, ahem, sex scene, thank god. You should check it out. Good movie about a somewhat disturbing topic.

  • 6. Suebob  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 9:07 pm

    Damn you, Jonniker, damn you. Five minutes and I AM WRECKED FOR LIFE. I got to the interchangeable tongue and I just….eeeeeh.

    I was feeling all glowy and happy about Obama winning Iowa and now that is all gone, replaced by the feeling that I need to scrub out my brain with bleach and a toilet brush. NOT LIKE AN ANIMATRONIC VAGINA, though.

  • 7. Melissa  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 9:14 pm

    I just heard about these dolls earlier tonight, and here they are again! I’m not sure how I feel about it yet – my initial reaction was along the “ew” lines, but I’m not sure how this is different than the Pocket Pussy. Except the doll doesn’t fit in a man’s pocket and she can hold a video game controller.

  • 8. Orange Peacock  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 10:42 pm

    It actually just makes me sad, because I had imaginary friends as a kid because…I was not socially functional enough for many real ones, and I was lonely. But it’s really weird that they reduce the roles of women to, um, things. But hey! HELLO WESTERN CIVILIZATION.

    Also, I adore you hardcore for linking to Feministing.

  • 9. She Likes Purple  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 10:42 pm

    I think it says something about my honed denial skills when what I took away from this post was that I really need to heed the advice of the Internet and download some Regina Spektor.

  • 10. Leah  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 10:44 pm

    I have never loved you more than I do in this moment, Jonna.

    The only thing in my Adventures in Late-Night Cable that’s been as icky/riveting as the RealDoll shows has been the ones about adult babies. I’d heard about them before and thought I knew what was up, but I HAD NO IDEA.

  • 11. Leah  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 10:46 pm

    (I haven’t checked the link yet because I have to wait until I’m on a computer with Quicktime (I know), but does the clip go into the male RealDolls at all? Talk about interchangeable parts!

  • 12. Jeanne B.  |  January 4th, 2008 at 12:41 am

    Nope, it focuses on the men who love female dolls. All I can say is, I’m praying that one day I’ll have the occasion to use the phrase, “Sorry, fresh out of vaginas today.”

    Ewwww double ewww.

  • 13. amber  |  January 4th, 2008 at 2:44 am

    OH. MY. SWEET. GOD.

    That is so…WRONG! I could only watch the first few minutes, because HOLY CRAP isn’t there enough scarring in-your-face material floating around in the universe without my seeking it out?

    But thank you, because now I have something to scar my friend with, and I do so love doing that.

  • 14. H  |  January 4th, 2008 at 6:59 am

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you for the Friday morning cheer to get me through the day. While this work week was short, it seems like it has taken forever to get to Friday.

  • 15. Lawyerish  |  January 4th, 2008 at 7:14 am

    Well, I for one cannot WAIT to get home and watch this video. I remember stumbling upon a site for RealDolls years ago on the Internet (I honestly have NO IDEA how) and being riveted to the testimonials of the men who buy and love them. The RealDoll subculture beats Pony Parties and swingers’ conventions all to hell. You just can’t make this stuff up.

    And, just because I can’t help mentioning it because I am BRIMMING WITH GLEE: Obama ’08! WOO!

  • 16. -R-  |  January 4th, 2008 at 7:38 am

    What the hell is a Pony Party? Wait, do I want to know?

  • 17. Jamie  |  January 4th, 2008 at 7:55 am

    Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I was all set to make fun of you for freaking out about the cold weather and then you casually toss in a couple paragraphs about real doll behavior AND NOW I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING CAN I? Because it’s too good – all of it. Whoever thought there was a guy on earth who gets to regularly say, “I’m fresh out of vaginas!”

  • 18. whoorl  |  January 4th, 2008 at 8:04 am

    “I think she’s sleeping it off”.

    So incredibly disturbing.

  • 19. Beth  |  January 4th, 2008 at 9:00 am

    You know what? I’m desensitized enough to watch videos of blown-up terrorists and plastic surgery and other disgusting things, but I don’t think you could pay me enough to watch the documentary you mentioned. Too, too gross!!

  • 20. claire  |  January 4th, 2008 at 9:15 am

    So… i probably shouldn’t watch this at work. is that what you’re saying? Hmm.

    I remember hearing about these on the Howard Stern show back when i was in high school and at the time i thought, “well, thats….nice?” and now i’m thoroughly creeped out. It’s kind of like when i first saw a documentary on Furries and couldn’t sleep for a few days.
    Ah, the sexually deviant. So entertaining.

  • 21. audrey  |  January 4th, 2008 at 10:09 am

    Okay, so there was this guy on Pushing Dasies who had a relationship like that and blamed his “girlfriend” for a murder that he had committed. Like, he honestly believed the doll had done it because she got mad at the victim for claiming she wasn’t real. And I thought that was a hilarious plot line, and aren’t those writers clever for coming up with something as ridiculous as that?

    But you’re telling me that people like this exist outside of fictional television? Wow. Just … wow. That is something else.

  • 22. Kristi  |  January 4th, 2008 at 10:43 am

    um…just reading this post has made me curl up into the fetal position and rock…back and forth…back and forth….back and forth. Please, higher power, help me to remain strong enough NOT to watch that video clip!!!!!!

  • 23. jonniker  |  January 4th, 2008 at 10:48 am

    Audrey – I saw that episode! I KNOW! And I thought the same thing.

    Kristi: It’s totally not graphic in the really disturbing sense (there are, on occasion, plastic hoo-has, but it’s all very clinical). What’s disturbing is the attitudes of the men who have these dolls, like it’s all OKAY that they only have an inanimate object for comfort.

    One of the guys takes his doll HANG-GLIDING. She waits in the car. It’s horrid.

    OP: I am loathe to admit that I’ve never read feministing — Adam got the link forwarded to him from one of his friends.

  • 24. Manda  |  January 4th, 2008 at 10:54 am

    So in order to procrastinate the cleaning of my living room, I watched the whole documentary. Poor Davecat…what a tool. And I am so glad Jody dumped that one guy..8 dolls, seriously? And the taking “family” pictures of the dolls and taking one hanggliding..hahaha. I am fully creeped out by the fact that this men are having “relationships” with them.

  • 25. Kristin H  |  January 4th, 2008 at 11:04 am

    I … I ,,,

    can we go back to talking about vacuum cleaners again?

  • 26. Style Bard  |  January 4th, 2008 at 11:19 am

    heh. in context, ‘can we go back to vacuum cleaners’ brings forth all kinds of … well, you let your mind go there. ah, simpler days, ey?

    ew I can’t believe I got this far and grossed myself out over that comment.

  • 27. Danell  |  January 4th, 2008 at 11:53 am

    *hork*

  • 28. Leane  |  January 4th, 2008 at 2:38 pm

    And my mother left us northerners to be in Flahhrida for a few months–to escape the cold. :) Ha. It will be 60 here on Wednesday!

    PS Britney is so over the edge now.

  • 29. Alyce  |  January 4th, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    I’m frittering away the company’s time right now so I haven’t had a chance to watch the documentary yet, but I am giddy with excitement.

    I was delighted to hear Leah mention pony parties (we must watch the same HBO coughadultcough programming). I thought I was too hip too outre too avant-garde to be shocked by the weird crap people do in the privacy of their own homes, but the episode with the pony party put me over.the.edge.

    God, sex is so weird.

  • 30. Swistle  |  January 4th, 2008 at 7:17 pm

    Okay. Okay. The part where the guy compares a woman who’s had sex with another man to “a piece of meat that’s been chewed up and spit out”? And then he thinks the reason he can’t get a date is his LOOKS?

    And the creator of the dolls, saying that THE FOOD BILLS ARE WAY CHEAPER than with a real woman??? Oh! My god!

    Also: can NONE of these guys figure out how to apply make-up? It is not ROCKET SCIENCE, people.

    I think what made me queasiest was the way the dolls look like real woman—who are drugged or dead.

  • 31. Trina  |  January 5th, 2008 at 1:31 am

    I, too, thought of Kenny Rogers when I sw your post title! In elementary school, we actually sang a “medley” of his songs in chorus (my music teacher had a thing for him) that included Lady.

    So now I’m left with sick, twisted images of Kenny cavorting with RealDolls in my brain. Thanks.

  • 32. mar  |  January 5th, 2008 at 8:23 am

    that frightens me, but as far as documentaries go, not as much as the prospect of watching ‘jesus camp’ scares the crap out of me,
    also, i have trouble with the heat & i’ve lived in north dakota, minnesota & now iowa. i think it’s because i never turn the heat (& rarely the ac, unless it gets above a sweltering 100) on & then when i do i miscalculate how much warmer it needs to be!
    and i had to laugh a bit sophomorically at the ‘regina’ spektor (i really like her) because, even though i know it’s re-gee-na, in saskatchewan, the town is, well, it’s pronounced like ‘vagina’.

  • 33. Andrea  |  January 5th, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    I’m not even going to go look. Too degrading, and really, having just given birth on Thursday, I would only remind myself that those silicone who-has can’t produce a beautiful bebe.

    Though unfortunately, I can totally relate to the comment “that vagina’s totally blown out and I’m all out of fresh vaginas!” At least there is healing. And no need for a toilet brush. Ugh.

  • 34. Nicole  |  January 6th, 2008 at 10:40 am

    Oh day-um. We had a huge conversation on a chat board I moderate about these things. Horrible, horrible. It went on for DAYS. The Jesus Camp discussion is getting that way too.

    The bottle brush was frightening.

    I went to have a shower once, and realized there were no towels in the bathroom. So I zip over to the linen closet (stark naked, of course) which is next to the office (we have a weird layout). Partner sees me, looks at me and says, “What? Need a bottle brush?”

    :cringe:

  • 35. Nicole  |  January 6th, 2008 at 12:06 pm

    And then there’s this: http://imdb.com/title/tt0805564/

  • 36. Mauigirl52  |  January 7th, 2008 at 2:40 pm

    I’m at work but despite that I tried to click on the link. However, my company’s firewall is apparently well aware of this site because I got the “forbidden” screen and couldn’t get into it.

    I don’t know what’s worse, these dolls or those really weird people who like to dress up as babies. (I’d look for a link but I’m sure my company would block that too!)

    I feel it’s grossy unfair if there are no male counterparts to these dolls. Equal time, ladies, equal time! LOL!

  • 37. Mauigirl52  |  January 7th, 2008 at 2:41 pm

    Um, that was supposed to be “grossly” but perhaps “gross-y” makes more sense…

  • 38. Jonniker. » Mouthwa&hellip  |  September 3rd, 2008 at 6:02 pm

    […] it is because of the whole RealDoll issue, which still grosses me out, and you know that whole documentary thing I talked about in January. Oy. The mere mention of a RealDoll (TM) sends me into a strange sense of ick, and wild Googling to […]

  • 39. plastic dolls  |  January 14th, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    Thanks again for the informative post.

  • 40. Meet an Asian Girl&hellip  |  February 5th, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Meet an Asian Girl…

    This past weekend was the bachlorette party in Philadelphia. It was amazing. I started out by picking up Keri from her house and we literally screamed with excitement when we saw each other haha. We drove over to Cooper’ s house and it seriously felt l…

  • 41. janesays  |  September 17th, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    There are as many owners and reasons for owning these dolls as there are for cars. Within the demographic of doll owners there are married, single, doctors, authors, unemployed, minimum wage earners, those with social disorders, and those with strong libidos, couples where dolls compensate for unbalanced libidos, caused by an illness, disability. There are those that have them for fantasy play, photography, cuddling . There are also male dolls which are predominantely owned by males and also a small percentage of females owning female dolls. The percentage of “Lars” type personalities amongst this group extremely low. Most have peaceful loving non-violent personalities.
    Most doll owners do desire to have relationships with human companions. Only in rare cases would the dolls actually hinder an owner’s ability or desire to seek human companionship, and in many cases reduce anxiety by helping to reduce sexual frustration or as one owner, a middle aged doctor stated, “allow me to get the sex out of the way so when I go out on a date, sex isn’t foremost on my mind. I can concentrate more on the interaction and social compatibility.”
    Click on my name to see this community and see for yourself.

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