Knock ‘Em Out

Two leftover wedding dress tidbits:

1) Can I really donate it if it’s streaked with thick black grease marks? I can’t help but feel like that might be an insult to someone. And ha HA, have I ever mentioned that we’re functioning agnostics? So a baptismal/Christening gown is out of the question, I think, although I love the idea. I wish we were religious (no, really, I do), but we’re just not.

2) I didn’t wear a veil: what you see in the picture below is precisely what I looked like the whole day. I HATE veils. Hate. I mean, I’m sure you looked lovely in yours, for they are perfect on other people but I couldn’t bring myself to wear anything that smacked of Wedding Tradition — having a wedding at all was an exercise in miserable dread, though marriage was appealing. HOWEVER, in hypocritical news, I did have a train, and let me tell you, it enrages me to this day. I lobbied — hard — to have the train lopped off, and everyone managed to talk me out of it. My stepmother, my mother, my friends, my seamstress. Everyone lectured me that I had to have something that was “bridal”, but Jesus Christ, I wore a CREAM VERA WANG, for God’s sake. Isn’t that bridal enough? So, a word to all would-be brides: if you feel strongly about something that YOU are going to wear, don’t give in, for it will still piss you off five years later. I have no doubt that in 25 years, I am STILL going to hoot and holler about the damn train that everyone refused to let me cut off. Seriously, it aggravates me like you wouldn’t believe.

< end wedding rant >

I am in such desperate, sad need of a cut and color that I’m almost embarrassed to go out of the house, and my hairdresser isn’t picking up the phone. My neck is reaching Neanderthal proportions (it’s cut short: she Flickr for details) and I have white-trash roots of dingy gunmetal clashing with red and blonde that erase any shred of doubt that my natural hair color is truly hideous. But the thing that’s really getting me is the neck hair, and Adam refuses to assist, just flat-out REFUSES, saying that it’s unromantic or something. It’s normal! It’s baby hair! But it’s THERE, and I can’t stand it. It’s not like I’m asking him to work out a blackhead on my back, I’m asking him to TRIM MY INCESSANT NECK HAIR THAT IS TOTALLY NORMAL.

(Whispers: right?)

Onward! My dog is trying to kill me, or is at the very least conspiring against me, for my lip is now bloody and beaten-looking with a nice purple swell to it. I opted to help the little bugger onto the bed last night at the same moment that she thought she’d try to jump (she’s too little to make it on her own) and her rock-hard skull collided with my lip, which collided with my teeth and OMFG, I thought I lost a tooth, and today, a coworker asked if I’d been in a fight.

This little gem was followed up this evening with her falling asleep on my pillow and leaking her anal glands all OVER my pillowcase and then licking up the remains, leaving me to wonder aloud, “Adam, why does it smell like fish in here?”

Oh dogs. What joys they bring. I think we’re overdue for a butt-squeezin’, is what I’m saying, and there’s nothing worse than THAT all over your pillow and that’s two references to a fishy odor in as many days, and I’m kind of freaking myself out and I’m sorry, look, I AM SORRY.

And finally, since it’s a slow day, I’ll tell you that our waitress this weekend actually asked me, completely seriously, “I can has more Diet Pepsi?”

I mean, clearly English wasn’t her forte, and I’m sympathetic, really I am, but HAHAHAHA, LOLWaitress, I can’t help myself.

Happy Tuesday!

*Lily Allen. I really love Lily Allen a whole lot, and I owe Schnozz a big thank you for mentioning her way back in the day.

27 comments January 7th, 2008