Knock ‘Em Out
January 7th, 2008
Two leftover wedding dress tidbits:
1) Can I really donate it if it’s streaked with thick black grease marks? I can’t help but feel like that might be an insult to someone. And ha HA, have I ever mentioned that we’re functioning agnostics? So a baptismal/Christening gown is out of the question, I think, although I love the idea. I wish we were religious (no, really, I do), but we’re just not.
2) I didn’t wear a veil: what you see in the picture below is precisely what I looked like the whole day. I HATE veils. Hate. I mean, I’m sure you looked lovely in yours, for they are perfect on other people but I couldn’t bring myself to wear anything that smacked of Wedding Tradition — having a wedding at all was an exercise in miserable dread, though marriage was appealing. HOWEVER, in hypocritical news, I did have a train, and let me tell you, it enrages me to this day. I lobbied — hard — to have the train lopped off, and everyone managed to talk me out of it. My stepmother, my mother, my friends, my seamstress. Everyone lectured me that I had to have something that was “bridal”, but Jesus Christ, I wore a CREAM VERA WANG, for God’s sake. Isn’t that bridal enough? So, a word to all would-be brides: if you feel strongly about something that YOU are going to wear, don’t give in, for it will still piss you off five years later. I have no doubt that in 25 years, I am STILL going to hoot and holler about the damn train that everyone refused to let me cut off. Seriously, it aggravates me like you wouldn’t believe.
< end wedding rant >
I am in such desperate, sad need of a cut and color that I’m almost embarrassed to go out of the house, and my hairdresser isn’t picking up the phone. My neck is reaching Neanderthal proportions (it’s cut short: she Flickr for details) and I have white-trash roots of dingy gunmetal clashing with red and blonde that erase any shred of doubt that my natural hair color is truly hideous. But the thing that’s really getting me is the neck hair, and Adam refuses to assist, just flat-out REFUSES, saying that it’s unromantic or something. It’s normal! It’s baby hair! But it’s THERE, and I can’t stand it. It’s not like I’m asking him to work out a blackhead on my back, I’m asking him to TRIM MY INCESSANT NECK HAIR THAT IS TOTALLY NORMAL.
(Whispers: right?)
Onward! My dog is trying to kill me, or is at the very least conspiring against me, for my lip is now bloody and beaten-looking with a nice purple swell to it. I opted to help the little bugger onto the bed last night at the same moment that she thought she’d try to jump (she’s too little to make it on her own) and her rock-hard skull collided with my lip, which collided with my teeth and OMFG, I thought I lost a tooth, and today, a coworker asked if I’d been in a fight.
This little gem was followed up this evening with her falling asleep on my pillow and leaking her anal glands all OVER my pillowcase and then licking up the remains, leaving me to wonder aloud, “Adam, why does it smell like fish in here?”
Oh dogs. What joys they bring. I think we’re overdue for a butt-squeezin’, is what I’m saying, and there’s nothing worse than THAT all over your pillow and that’s two references to a fishy odor in as many days, and I’m kind of freaking myself out and I’m sorry, look, I AM SORRY.
And finally, since it’s a slow day, I’ll tell you that our waitress this weekend actually asked me, completely seriously, “I can has more Diet Pepsi?”
I mean, clearly English wasn’t her forte, and I’m sympathetic, really I am, but HAHAHAHA, LOLWaitress, I can’t help myself.
Happy Tuesday!
*Lily Allen. I really love Lily Allen a whole lot, and I owe Schnozz a big thank you for mentioning her way back in the day.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
27 Comments Add your own
1. Orange Peacock | January 7th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
1) I can always count on you for my daily dose of bodily fluid stories (whether your own or someone else’s).
2) Was LOLWaitress not originally from the US….or was it a cutesy deliberate thing…or was she stupid?
3) Lily Allen is great! I was listening to her back when she first got big in England over the summer, and I’ve seen her in concert here a few times. She’s hilarious live, although I think that’s part of why she had to step back and take a breather – she was starting to veer into the Amy Winehouse zone. Also, she got cigarette ash on me. (Ooh.)
2. jonniker | January 7th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
OP: English was not her first language, and it was completely accidental. She said many similar things throughout the meal and it was unintentionally HILARIOUS.
I might add that my favorite Lily Allen song is “Nan, You’re A Window Shopper.” It never fails to crack me up, and it’s so much better than 50 Cent’s original. “The bottom is so much better than the top!” HAR. Oh, Lily.
3. Assertagirl | January 8th, 2008 at 5:28 am
I also shrugged off the traditional veil…just would NOT do it. *Shudder*
4. MsPrufrock | January 8th, 2008 at 6:23 am
I had to think long and hard as to whether I had a veil. I didn’t, but I had some comb thing with a whatsit, or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t keen on the whole wedding thing. A load of nonsense for a day, if you ask me. Bah humbug.
I go back and forth on Lily Allen. I enjoy “Littlest Things”, and I enjoy her feistyness, but she’s a bit too gobby at times. Perhaps the fetus will change things, who knows?
5. winterwheat | January 8th, 2008 at 6:30 am
I took the opposite approach. Mine was all veil, with an understated dress. I have a thing for mantillas, so I got a big long mantilla that hung like the silk it was. No poof, no lift. But it had 6″ of lace all around the border, and with a mantilla like that, the dress has to be really simple, and mine was: just a spaghetti-strap long shift. I like the idea of stunning dress with no veil (as you had), or stunning veil with no dress (BWA-HA-HA!) — I mean, with a simple dress. Stunning dress AND Statement Veil is a little too much.
Okay, now you’ve inspired me to post a pic of myself in my wedding dress on my blog. It’s kind of fun to revisit. I’ll have to see if I’ve got one scanned in. Happy fifth, by the way!
6. TwoBusy | January 8th, 2008 at 6:56 am
Remind me never to sleep on one of your guest beds.
(shudder)
7. Nilsa S. | January 8th, 2008 at 6:59 am
As a soon-to-be-wedding-dress-shopping-bride, I will most definitely be taking your train advice to heart. I am stoked for my marriage, thrilled to be planning one kick-ass wedding and am generally very content dealing with all the many vendors. But … wedding dress shopping … oh how I dread thee. Wish me luck!
8. Lawyerish | January 8th, 2008 at 9:14 am
I totally forgot to comment yesterday about the wedding dress issue. Aside from emailing you to tell you that you looked gorgeous, of course.
I am quite the sentimental fool, and I paid {ahem} eight hundred dollars to have my dress preserved by someone who also does fabric preservation for the Met (they were recommended by my dress designer). You know, in case I become wildly famous and my dress ends up in the Costume Institute. (Am a sucker).
Anyway, the dress is in an acid-free, possibly bullet-proof box at the top of our closet and the (floaty, cathedral-length) veil is in this neat Tootsie Roll of tissue paper also in the closet. For all I know, it’s not even my dress, although they apparently put long white gloves in the box in case I ever want to “handle” the dress and not mess up the preservation.
I doubt my daughter will want to wear my dress, because daughters so seldom do, but I figure if it’s just there for posterity, then I’m ok with that. And as a matter of fact, my mom is making HER wedding dress into a christening gown for our baby, which makes me tear up every time I think about it, and I know that’s not your thing but even without the religious aspect maybe there’s SOME use your child(ren) could get out of it, even if it’s playing dress-up.
So now I’ve gone on entirely too long, but I wanted to represent for the total saps out there.
9. She Likes Purple | January 8th, 2008 at 10:15 am
I didn’t have a veil myself. And EVERYONE tried to talk me into one. And I haven’t regretted it a single day.
I also had cupcakes instead of a wedding cake and my father told me I didn’t make any sense.
AS IF CUPCAKES DON’T MAKE PERFECT SENSE.
10. Laurel | January 8th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I am getting married in November and I just bought my dress. It’s lovely and the train is lovely but I totally feel you on the train thing. I’m not into it. It will totally get in my way. AND when i was trying on dresses, the poor girl that was helping us put me in this hideous poof thing and plopped a veil on my head. AND then she shoved some fake bouquet in my hands.
IT WAS AWFUL. I had trouble breathing. So, no. No veil for me. And up until I bought my dress, all I wanted was a bouquet of baby’s breath. (unfortunately, the super embroidered dress won’t allow such simplicity.)
I’m not totally lopping off the train, but I am keeping it bustled for everything because you know…I need to move around like a lady from the 21st century.
11. ali | January 8th, 2008 at 11:31 am
love lily allen…just wish she’d stop smoking…
12. Constance | January 8th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Okay. Okay, I am TRYING to get past the grossness of that dog anecdote to focus on the wedding dress situation. I think that a Vera Wang is worth saving. So I think you should GO BACK IN TIME and have it cleaned, and donate it now.
Oh. Well then, I think you should advertise it (newspaper, or one of those online list things) as a Vera Wang that needs cleaning, and make a few bucks.
13. Kristin H | January 8th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
We always had big dogs so while I was aware of the anal gland thing, I was not familiar with the, uh, intricate details. And, uhhhh, the smell of it.
uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh
14. Alyce | January 8th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Sounds like you don’t care, but… JB and I have been married for almost 9 years. My wedding dress and veil (don’t hate) sat in a cardboard box for 8 years. I kicked myself over and over for not having it properly cleaned right away. JB spirited it away and had it professionally cleaned. The grease stain I was sure wouldn’t come out, did. So did the yellowing arm pit area.
Sometimes it is fixable. Don’t give up on it, unless you want to.
15. Judith in NYC | January 8th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I’ve never had a dog and was seriously thinking about getting one. Thank you for making the decision for me. No way in hell am I going to get a creature that would leave fishy discharge on my bed! I don’t care how cute they are.
16. kerrianne | January 8th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
I traded my veil for bear grass on the beach. Or so I told my mother.
I think LOLWaitress would probably be funnier than LOLCats.
17. Gentry | January 9th, 2008 at 6:08 am
Napoléon always headbutts me and gives me a fat lip, too.
And Lawyerish: god bless you. A future designer or vintage enthusiast will pay lots of money for your wedding dress…in like 100 years. And in 200 years, it will most defiantely be in a museum.
18. Amanda Brown | January 9th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
You were beautiful on your wedding day, Jonna. And still are,
19. Kelly | January 10th, 2008 at 7:40 am
I was digging my veil, but you look stunning in that photo. Simple, elegant, ’nuff said.
I was missing the dog of my adolescence this morning, and somehow your story of leaking anal glands, and the feast that followed it, made the hurt lessen a bit.
Thanks for the laughs.
20. willikat | January 10th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
thanks for the advice. i have a dress that’s perfectly fine but now i’m a-feared that it’s not as flattering as it could be and i want to wear something vintage. . . .now i don’t feel so bad.
21. lettuce hater | January 11th, 2008 at 7:01 am
belated HNY to you, J!
i love lily allen too – the chicklets ADORE ‘sun in the sky’ although i fancy it’s only a matter of time before they come out with some of her lyrics and ask my mum what “a pimp and his crack whore” is
sometimes i am concentrating on cutting up the car behind and forget to sing “lalalalalala” over the inappropriate bits
ooooops
22. Mauigirl52 | January 11th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
For my wedding I had a lacy looking hat since I look good in hats. It had a veil too. It was very annoying because it wouldn’t stay on, so the first pictures of me have the hat and veil, but after that, nothing on my head.
I can relate to the injury inflicted on you by your dog (and the anal gland issue too, it goes without saying). One time my previous dog jumped up on the bed just as I was leaning over to look under the bed. Her forehead collided with mine, making a huge goose egg. After a day or two I had TWO black eyes. Talk about looking as if I was on a fight…
23. Mauigirl52 | January 11th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
P.S. No injury occurred to the dog, whose skull must have been six inches thick.
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