Punch Drunk
January 15th, 2008
I had to be to a work thing by 7 a.m. this morning, which meant a 5:30 a.m. wake up call, WHICH, as you can likely imagine, made for an early bedtime. And you know how stressful that is, because all you can think about is that OMG I am going to oversleep and the majority of the evening is spent tossing and turning and checking the clock, because is it 5:30 yet? IS IT IS IT HUH HUH HUH?
So you can imagine how pleased I was, in theory, when I crashed out at 10 p.m., completely out cold with nary a thought to the Celtics game or the Michigan primary. I was just out! Asleep! And then it happened …
CHARMCH.
CHARMCH.
MONCH MONCH MONCH MONCH
CHARMCH.
::SMACK!::
**rustle rustle rustle**
MONCH.
Someone, and that someone would be my HUSBAND, thought that eating Cheez-It Party Mix in bed would be the PERFECT way to while away a few late-night hours while shaking the bed with laughter at what I can only imagine was The Daily Show. MONCH MONCH MONCH went his lips, including a light little crunch as he relished each little garlic puff (THE GARLIC PUFF, JESUS).
And with that, I was up and then I was hot! SO HOT! And I ripped my pants off like Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine because apparently the seams, they had had enough, and I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I must be wearing pants when I sleep, which meant I had to dig up a new pair of pants from the laundry to have on call for when this ridiculous pantless heat wave passed. And I believe it was at that point that Adam lost it and was in absolute hysterics, because all he could think about was that Family Guy episode where Peter exposes Anne Frank to the Nazis with an ill-chosen crunch of a Lay’s salt ‘n vinegar potato chip.
And at this point, it’s midnight, my legs are clammy and naked (PANTLESS SLEEP NO NO) and we were both nearly wetting our pants, we were laughing so hard, because have you seen that episode? The potato chip! THE PARTY MIX! OMG THE EFFING GARLIC PUFFS.
Is anyone still with me at this point?
Anyway. I promised myself that I would, under no circumstances, EVER watch American Idol again EVER EVER EVER and yet when I made that promise, there was no writer’s strike on the horizon. Ergo, here I am, suffering through another season and wondering why Randy Jackson continues to change up his look, when none of them are working. Dude, I kept wanting to say JOHNSON, and it would be much, much better if the Big Unit were judging because although he’d be a clueless douchebag, he’d be spitting into a cup, which would be a welcome distraction from the vapidity that emanates from the group at every turn. Simon, he could use a new schtick and the whole thing is so old! So old! And yet, so compelling.
And all this being said, despite working and American Idol and lack of sleep, I have been in an extraordinarily good mood lately, so please, don’t let my pantless Cheez-It or sticky shower bum lead you astray. Whoo to the Cheez-It hoo. I’d also like to add for no other reason than I can, that I have begun snorting when I laugh too hard, and if that‘s not the most attractive habit to pick up, I really don’t know what is.
With that, I’ve got a Democratic debate TiVo’d with my boyfriends Tim Russert and Brian Williams and I’m pretty darn excited. Is it … well, is it THAT nerdy that we have a TiVo wish list set up to look for anything with “debate” in it?
Happy Wednesday!
*Gene Loves Jezebel. Because sometimes I’m stuck in 1980. Also! Random aside: Internet is still friggin’ spotty, so if I owe you an e-mail, it’s not just because I suck, it’s because I have like three whole seconds before it decides to take a big ole dump. I wrote this in Word, not that anyone is BURNING to hear from me.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
19 Comments Add your own
1. Emily | January 15th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Do you know what is worse than sleeping pantsless? Sleeping pantsless with REALLY HAIRY LEGS. And the hairs get kind of… snagged on the sheets and it’s itchy and DUDE, did you know that I have actually gotten up in the middle of the night and SHAVED MY LEGS because it bothered me so badly that I couldn’t sleep?
P.S. “The Big Unit.” LOVE IT.
2. Orange Peacock | January 15th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
About the debates: no, it’s not nerdy at all. It’s CIVICALLY ENGAGED. At least, that’s what you should be telling anyone who disagrees.
And I do the same thing with the panicked awakening, particularly if it’s the first day back at work after a vacation, or I”ve got something important going on. So then I don’t oversleep, but I’m also raccoon-looking and bitchy as hell all day. Win!
And I’m *always* burning to hear from you, Jonna.
3. Carolyn J. | January 15th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
I also must wear pants to bed. My mom must only wear nighties, and she tried to press me into the same mould when I was a girl, but I wasn’t having any of that.
4. Jess | January 16th, 2008 at 7:33 am
I had never watched American Idol until last year, so the whole schtick feels slightly less old to me than it does to other people. And yet! The audition shows! They suck! I’m still excited for the top 24, though.
5. Lawyerish | January 16th, 2008 at 7:43 am
DAMN YOU, WRITERS GUILD. J and I vowed never to watch American Idol again, NEVER. And what did we do last night? Yep. Of course, I still think Simon is hot even with his moobs, so that much is enjoyable. The rest of it is so awful. Most of the bad auditions are total frauds who just want to get their 15 minutes, and some of the production is downright cruel, like parading Temptress’s sick mother around only to reveal Temptress to be one of the world’s worst singers. And yet, I remained tuned in for the full two hours. I AM POWERLESS.
6. Lawyerish | January 16th, 2008 at 7:45 am
And dude, you know I am always burning to hear from you.
TORN ASUNDER.
7. She Likes Purple | January 16th, 2008 at 8:49 am
My husband eats Cheez-Its (no party mix, but close enough) in bed all the time. The ledge next to his side of the bed looks like a pantry.
I feel your pain.
8. cassidy | January 16th, 2008 at 9:33 am
I love that episode of Family Guy.
9. Jamie | January 16th, 2008 at 9:45 am
I absolutely hate sleeping in pants. I climb in my sleep (on my stomach, kind of like a military crawl) and the pants always end up scrunched into a tourniquet-style band around my upper thighs. Then I wake up with the rage of burning hatred, rip them off, and just sleep in a damn t-shirt already.
10. ie | January 16th, 2008 at 10:04 am
“Whoo to the Cheez-It hoo.” omg…this has me hysterical. I may need to borrow it (with all credit due, of course) to ‘splain to someone just how exciting life can be.
I’ll stay out of the whole pants sleeping debate and just say I run hot enough that I WILL burst out of my skin if you make me sleep between flannel sheets and a flannel duvet cover.
11. Kristin H | January 16th, 2008 at 11:09 am
So am I the only one who thinks that eating party mix in bed seems a little…itchy? How do you keep crumbs from getting in the sheets? Y’all must be neater eaters (fun!) than I am.
Add me to the ranks of those who detest wearing anything that can scrunch up, twist around, or otherwise bug me while I am sleeping. Also, we somehow own the world’s hottest bedspread and if my husband gets too near me at night, he must endure Much Huffing And Heavy Sighing while I try to get comfy and cool again. Romantic, huh?
12. H | January 16th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I have to wear pants to bed in the winter but shorts in the summer. I absolutely cannot stand any kind of nightgown or night shirt that will undoubtedly bunch up under my arms like an innertube.
13. amber | January 16th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I love Family Guy, despite what my school marmish side knows is the COMPLETE inappropriateness of that show, and laugh every time.
14. Mauigirl52 | January 16th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I just sleep in my underwear – anything else annoys me. But I have to have on the underwear!
An exception is on a really cold night, if my husband is away on a business trip and I’m freezing, I put on sweats and socks.
I totally identify with the not-being-able-to-sleep when I have to get up ultra early.
Your description of Adam eating the party mix in bad was hysterical.
15. Mauigirl52 | January 16th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Er, in “bed,” not “bad.”
16. Suebob | January 16th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
When I have to get up extra early, I make sure I get plenty of restful sleep…between checking the clock every 4 minutes or so.
17. Mammaren | January 17th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
I’m not sure what’s funnier, your post or the comments..
Re: pants in bed. I used to live n CO and God was it fucking COLD there. So I’d always go to bed in these fleece yoga pants. Well, I always woke up with them beside the bed BESIDE, not under the cover, but beside the bed. Like my alter sweaty ego woke up and took them off and chucked them aside.. Nowadays, living in TX, I sleep in thinner (albeit still) pants.. Some days I wake up with them on the floor still.. and GOD no socks. NO! I will only sleep with socks on if the heat is broken.. But the times I do sleep with socks on they also end up on the floor. The shirt seems to stay on, in case your are wondering.. Oh and waking up to shave, yeah, I’ve done that too..
Re: food in bed.. I agree, you guys must be fairly tidy eaters in bed. If my husband came to bed with Cheetos Mix I’d be horrified. OMG, the crumbs…
As someone who wakes up three times a week at 4 am, I feel your pain. It is SO annoying. I STILL wake up at 3, thinking I’ve overslept. Stupid stupid stupid..
18. Jenny | January 21st, 2008 at 6:33 am
My God, I’m in love with you.
19. Naked Girls Beyonce Naked&hellip | April 6th, 2008 at 1:12 am
Naked Girls Beyonce Naked Naked Teen Girls…
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
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