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January 27th, 2008
It’s like Parade of Homes around here. Oh hi, would you like to tour my house for rent? Yes, there IS a pool included, but no, it’s not on my property and look! The water pressure is awesome!
:: turns on shower and smiles like Vanna ::
I think I’m doing the tours all wrong, because ultimately, we end up having the final, “So, what do you think?” conversation in my bedroom, and that feels just a little too creepily intimate, like we’re negotiating some kind of party, and I mean that in the Moonlite BunnyRanch sense. The good news is that it’s looking up, and we have a family super-interested, but they’re not PERFECT-perfect, but no one is, so it’s all just a crapshoot, really. Like, who do I trust enough to pay down my mortgage without peeing on my carpet or skipping town and leaving me holding the bag? The family with the dog and two cats, or the guy with a Harley who offered up that he spent a weekend in jail for getting in a fight with his girlfriend’s ex-husband?
Oh, real estate market. I love you so. Incidentally, I’m leaning towards the family. I like them, and maybe my gut is wrong here, but I hope not. Plus, you know, there’s that whole JAIL thing. (Would you ever offer that during a house interview? EVER? HONESTLY.)
All of this is compounded by the fact that I am eye-searingly busy at work, as per usual lately, but before I even tell you why it seems sort of futile, first, I have to come to some sort of resolution on the parade of farking homes and I haven’t even STARTED on the no-shows, I mean look, if you say you’re coming by to look at the house, please call. I’m there, I’m waiting for you, I’m EXPECTING YOU, for chrissake, and believe it or not, I would like to get on with my life and get out of this house.
Ahem. Honestly, that’s all that’s been going on, and it never ends. If I’m not showing the place to someone, I’m calling someone about a new place or I’m cleaning the paw prints from my slobby, slobby dog who leaks all OVER the place when she drinks (the water gets stuck in her wrinkles. How gross is that?) or I’m doing laundry for Adam’s trip to Vermont this week and OH LORD, there is so much to do, so little time, which is why I’m everywhere but here. In fact, if you need me, I am very likely on Craig’s List, surfing around in vain and trying to make my posting look fresh, despite the fact that I posted it YESTERDAY. And I know Craig’s List hates that, but come ON, it gets buried under piles of ************* ALL CAPS LISTINGS OMG!!! ALL NEW APPLIANCES ************* if you don’t.
Do you know that I actually e-mailed a Realtor through Craig’s List and YELLED at him for his “egregious overuse of caps and asterisks”? I specifically said that to a person. For no other reason than it pissed me off.
And — and this is my favorite part — I threw my back out during a particularly hearty sneeze. A SNEEZE. I SNEEZED TOO HARD, and now my back is completely tweaked and it’s difficult to get out of the car without groaning and holding my lower back like a very pregnant lady, of which I remain only an aspiring one. Also, why is a pregnant woman always a pregnant “lady” to me? Always. I never use lady unless I’m referring to a pregnant one.
I am, however, still making pickles. Because they are a requirement in times of high stress, even if it’s good stress, which it is.
Incidentally, this whole situation is going to be exactly like my wedding in that everything requires plan plan PLANNING OMFG over and over again, like a second job, and then once it’s done — particularly in my case, for reasons I’ll go into later — I will literally have nothing to do, and there will be this giant emptiness that will be filled with nothing but fretting as I worry about whether my tenants are burning our house down with rogue pillar candles.
But in brighter news (oh hell, it’s ALL bright news, really it is, it’s just SHINING, seriously, despite my sardonic tone, it really is), Lost is on this week! LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST. And I can’t wait, for I haven’t watched television in ages and ages, and I’m pretty heartbroken that it’s only eight episodes and also been truncated due to the writer’s strike. Incidentally, am I the only one who remains MYSTIFIED by the fact that Friday Night Lights continues to soldier on? How do they have that many episodes? HOOOOW? And please God, let Tyra and Landry get back together. Thank you, and amen.
And finally, I figured out why, exactly, the whole Trista Sutter-US Magazine thing has me all atwitter. Aside from the fact that it’s Trista, who is inherently annoying (the baby voice! The toolly husband! The fact that she constantly refers to herself as a “girly-girl”!), what really grates my cheese about the whole thing is that she very obviously negotiated this package with US Weekly to not only keep herself in the celebrity spotlight, but for money. She PLANNED the whole thing! I’ll bet she even pitched it to them! “Hey, I’ll sell you my baby weight story if you put me on the cover!” I’m telling you, she did. It SMACKED of that, the whole article, and it really grosses me out. Because you know she used the money to hire another publicist for her handbag company, which is very likely going nowhere, as it very likely only has bags that are printed with giant calla lillies and maybe some hydrangeas.
And with that, I have to go to bed. Adam starts his official first day at a new job tomorrow, and is mandating a 9 p.m. lights out so that we can, for the love of God, wind down by 4 a.m. after the whirlwind that was this weekend. And also, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is on, and I’m off to grab my semi-regular dose of too-perky Ty Pennington and sob my face off at people who will very likely not be able to afford the taxes on their new home and will be homeless in a few short months.
Happy, happy Monday to you!
*Zero 7
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
18 Comments Add your own
1. Suebob | January 27th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
I rented rooms in my house (well, actually I was a renter too) for um, about 13 years, so I got good at spotting the weirdos. In all that time I had 2 freak/jerks and one guy that skipped on the last rent.
Two tricks: Application. You can tell a lot from whether someone will fill it out correctly. If they do it not at all, vaguely or super sloppy, you know who you are getting. Super anal people are likely to be super anal about stuff like faucets dripping at 2 am as well. A nice medium is what I was going for.
Check their car: People who can’t afford a car can’t afford rent, usually. People whose cars look like they never throw a piece of trash away are bad news. I mean, if a car is filled with productive crap – school books, rain jackets, etc – that is ok. If it is filled with year-old Jack in the Box wrappers, NO DO NOT RENT.
Goldie is the worlds messiest drinker, too. It drives me a bit nuts but she is my girl so I put up with it.
Hugs and smooches.
2. jonniker | January 27th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
SB: You’re making me feel better. These folks have been nothing but lovely — in fact, the only strike against them is the two cats. They have a good job, a decent car (like ours — not super-fancy, but ours aren’t either, and we’re great tenants). They care about their kids, the school system, and they gave references out the hoo-ha. I think you may have just convinced me that they’re it. Thank you.
3. M&Co. | January 27th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
The family with kids and references sounds good. I was a landlord once upon a time and the best renters I ever had sound like the couple you described. I almost cried when they moved.
4. Swistle | January 27th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
FIRST of all, we also say “OLD lady” and “HEY lady” and “AVON lady.”
Second of all, when oh when am I going to try the carrot recipe? I get discouraged because I need to put THREE WHOLE INGREDIENTS on the list.
Third, people who spend the night in jail because of fights with a girlfriend’s ex-husband are people who should have the sense to keep their mouths shut about it.
Fourth, I have MANY TIMES wanted to speak individually with EVERY SINGLE ONE of a MILLION eBay sellers in re capitals, punctuation, and words such as “LQQK!” and “MUST SEE!!!!!” I am not someone who skimps on capitals myself, but GEEZ lady! (We also say “GEEZ lady.”
5. Swistle | January 27th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
)
6. H | January 27th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
As much as Trista annoys the crap outta me, she’s actually pretty…what’s the word…smart? a good business person? I’m not sure what the right word is, but it is pretty amazing that she’s still out there for public consumption.
I don’t know how you gracefully get a look at the interior of a potential renter’s car, but I think Suebob might have hit the nail on the head. Most people I know keep their cars like they keep their house — clean daily, let it build up and then clean, or never clean. Interesting theory.
7. Jeanne B. | January 27th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Oh, I don’t envy you, having to choose a renter. But may I offer an alternate perspective about the mention of Jail? He was honest about it and explained the situation, rather than waiting for it to come up during a background check. IMHO, that took balls and he gets points for honesty. If everything else feels right, I say go for it. GQQD LVCK!!!!!!!!
8. jonniker | January 28th, 2008 at 5:06 am
Jeanne: He mentioned it not because he thought we’d CARE, but in the context of casual conversation about what a douchebag his ex-girlfriend is and how surely we understand he needs to find a new place, what with her totally psycho ex-husband and all? If he’d offered it up somewhat honestly, I’d have been okay with it. But no, he thought it was COOL.
9. TwoBusy | January 28th, 2008 at 6:33 am
We just finished watching Season 3 of Lost on DVD last night. Bring on the new confusion!
10. Lawyerish | January 28th, 2008 at 7:07 am
It seems to me that someone as pathetic and inconsequential as Trista should be paying THEM to put her on the cover.
11. Jen | January 28th, 2008 at 9:47 am
I think I might just bring my thrilling nightlife to a full and complete stop to watch Lost this week. I am SO. EXCITED.
12. amber | January 28th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Hmm. I always refer to them as ‘pregnant ladies’ too. Never women. No, there’s something more DIGNIFIED about being pregnant, don’t you think?
13. babs | January 28th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Yes, I’m also super excited about Lost! Have you seen that 8 min, 15 second recap? It’s awesome:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIuXZ37GQIs
14. She Likes Purple | January 28th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
I wish we lived there… we’d be the BEST tenants.
Also, I just watched Friday Night Lights for the first time this weekend and am probably going to download it because 1) so many people love this show and 2) there’s NOTHING else to watch except All my Children.
Who’s Tyra? Who’s Landry? What happened to Jason? You’re fairly busy so don’t feel the need to answer. I imagine that’s why I have such easy access to Google anyway
15. Camels & Chocolate | January 28th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I used to work at Us Weekly (oh, the shame! I needed the money! They pay really well!), and that sounds about on par.
16. Kathryn | January 28th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Jonna, I hate to break it to you, but you do not hold the title for the lamest back-throwing-out. That title is currently held by none other than yours truly, who managed to put hers out while brushing her teeth last winter. BRUSHING.HER.TEETH. I mean, granted, my receding gumline will attest to my over-vigorous brushing habits, but STILL.
17. willikat | February 4th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
i have hurt my back tying my shoe. also, i am loving your political excitement.
18. gfjh | February 24th, 2012 at 3:42 am
fxghfxhg
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