As Heaven is Wide
January 28th, 2008
We got an angry letter from our homeowner’s association this morning because we violated a rule. A rule! A very important RULE!
Apparently we left our garbage cans out until 7 a.m. the day after garbage day and the deadline is 6 p.m. on garbage day, you see. And that Waste Management bin is an eyesore! A BLOODY EYESORE! And if we do it again we’ll be fined. FINED! Angrily fined!
Seriously, who the hell turned us in for that, is what I want to know. What complete lunatic with way too much time on his hands — time that could be spent eating pudding or making pickled carrots or something — actually watched with his little mouthbreathing knuckle head out his window and REPORTED that our garbage bin — our single, green, totally benign garbage bin — was out 13 hours past deadline.
Incidentally, out of nowhere, Adam just screamed “POOOOOOOOO!” in the loudest, highest voice he could muster. I was understandably piqued, as it scared the crap out of me, and he simply replied with:
“That’s what it’s like when you sneeze. Knock it off.”
I am, it seems, instructed to “learn a new sneeze,” as mine is too jarring.
Not that I want to assume that everyone is as dorky as I am, but I have to admit, whatever your politics, it’s a rather bright day — one that honestly gives me the chills every time I think about it — when a black man and a woman are vying for a major party nomination in the presidential race. Forget the individuals and politics themselves — everyone has strong feelings about that one way or the other, surely — but their demographics alone make me very … well, proud is kind of the wrong word, because REALLY, it’s about damn time, but gets me all verklempt, really it does.
(Also, shame on Bill Clinton for making it all about race. I hope Teddy Kennedy eats you for breakfast. And I used to LIKE you.)
Also, random, equally dorky aside: Am I the only one who noticed that during the State of Union, Nancy Pelosi seemed to be reading … well, it looked like a copy of “Tuesdays with Morrie,” to be honest with you. And as of right this second, she’s totally still reading it. Hey Nancy! It was cheesy and a little contrived! Don’t waste your time!
Maybe she can help me get out of the garbage can conundrum I seem to have found myself in. I should have told her about it before she went into the event. I could have given her something to think about. (A GARBAGE CAN. I’m still seething. I’ve been cited for a GARBAGE CAN, when people’s dogs are leaving GIANT, MEATLOAF-SIZED POOPS all OVER THE PLACE. And also, my other neighbor bought her second — no no, THIRD — ATV and proceeds to ride it around in her UNDERPANTS on Saturday mornings. But no. My garbage can is totally more offensive than a giant mucusy DOG STEAMER AND A FLABBY PANTLESS NEIGHBOR ON AN ATV. I totally get it. Totally.)
(Also, Bob Dole? Looks peaked. Jesus, I honestly didn’t know he was still alive.)
And on a final note, my heart goes out to the Ryan family. I’ve read and watched Bob Ryan for years, ever since I got my first Boston Globe subscription many moons ago. As with all good columnists, I’ve always felt like we’re intimate, old friends, and my heart breaks for him, and for his son’s wife and children.
And with that, I hope you have an outstanding Tuesday. Life is too short!
*Garbage. Oh ho ho HO! THE EFFING GARBAGE.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
22 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | January 28th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
If it is not illegal to drive an ATV while pantless, it should be.
I thought it looked like Senator Pelosi was reading a book too, but my husband informed me that she was given an advance copy of the speech and she was just reading along. I have no idea if that is true or not, but I am choosing to believe it for now.
2. H | January 28th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
I do care about the state of the union, I really do. But honestly, I simply cannot stand the sight of Bush. Also, I can’t stand the sound of Bush. Ugh. So I watched Intervention and then my tape of Jon & Kate Plus 8.
I, too, am thrilled that we FINALLY have some diversity in our candidates. It is about freaking time.
Sorry to hear about the garbage can thing. We have a neighbor who would do that. He is universally hated around here and we step on his lawn when he’s not looking because if he saw anyone touch a blade of his grass, he would HAVE A COW.
3. Angella | January 28th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
The garbage scenario is ridiculous.
However.
I ride my ATV pantless all. the. time.
What?
4. Suebob | January 28th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
HOAs just prove that if you give people a list of rules, there are always a couple that will enforce them to a ridiculous degree…my sister was cited for parking a rental truck in the visitor’s parking between 3 and 6 a.m. ONE DAY…So obviously some insomniac asshole was keeping an eye out, though there were plenty of visitors spaces to go around…sigh.
I am planning on spending my Tuesday with Morrie.
5. Beth | January 29th, 2008 at 2:55 am
I live in a small complex (nine units) and although we technically have an HOA, no one has time to enforce the rules that closely, which is fine by me. However, my past experience with HOAs has been that there are always nosy, opinionated, power-hungry individuals who are only too happy to micromanage their neighbors. And maybe they need a meatloaf-sized poop on their doorstep. ;^)
6. Heather B. | January 29th, 2008 at 3:58 am
My former roommate and I once got a citation for leaving our garbage out in the hall for all of 45 seconds while she went back in the house to grab something. Seriously. 45 seconds and some…well…’mouth breathing’ asshole in our building decided to tell on us. As opposed to, I don’t know, knocking on the wide open door to tell us about it.
As for Bob Dole, he has most certainly aged. But I noticed that a lot of them were looking particularly rough last night. I suppose after seven years of hearing the exact. same. thing. the boredom might cause them to look a little haggard.
7. anne | January 29th, 2008 at 5:03 am
HOAs, especially in Florida, have NOTHING else to do. Try representing them or figthing lawsuits against them – those people got nothing but time.
Pelosi was reading along. But I was kind of hoping she give an evil look or even maybe punch Cheney while she sat up there
8. Lawyerish | January 29th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Mitch Albom sucks. What a hack.
Yeah, she was reading a copy of the speech as were lots of the other attendees, which I just don’t get — why would you read along when he’s RIGHT THERE in front of you, giving the speech? Maybe to pretend with the voice in your head that someone other than GWB is our president?
And, ohhhhh, Bill Clinton is dead to me after pulling the race card. It just shows how ruthless they are, how little the Clintons care about what is right for this country or how they could take a high road to win, but instead they are taking a lesson from Karl Rove and trying to win by any means necessary. I find it repugnant.
And yet, every time I think of people going out and supporting and voting for Obama and even Hillary, I become almost giddy. It is about damn time.
9. amber | January 29th, 2008 at 7:47 am
OH my god. I can’t believe you got turned in for your garbage can when someone’s dog is crapping everywhere and your neighbor is indecently exposed. Are you sure someone turned you in, or maybe the garbage police themselves just had too much time on their hands?
AND, in re: to the presidential race, I was horrified at the gym the other day when my workout partner (I’m ashamed to call her that now) actually said, “Don’t you think it’s a shame that a WOMAN is going to president before a black man?”
Honestly, I almost fell off the bleeping elliptical, and I didn’t know who to be more offended for, Hilary or Obama. And this is coming from a WOMAN! I just looked at her, like…SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE WOMEN’S LIB DISOWNS YOU and you have to become a man, you TWIT.
10. Swistle | January 29th, 2008 at 8:16 am
1) You could try Paul’s sneeze, which is like HA-CHOWWW!!!!!!! It puts my heart into my eardrums Every Single Time. I wouldn’t say I’ve considered divorce, but I’d say I’ve rethought the marriage.
2) Speaking of my heart, I’m not sure it can take the stress of all the things I keep hearing people saying about the candidates. I thought we were PAST that except for icky hicks and ancient jerks. But no!
3) Well, clearly someone needs to REPORT the violations. First step: watched. Second step: reported.
11. Nilsa S. | January 29th, 2008 at 9:10 am
I’m pretty sure Pelosi was reading something official as I saw other people holding it, too, But, I completely agree – it looked like she was reading a book!
I also agree about how bright it is today because we have two minorities running for President. You want to know another reason today is beautiful? We won’t ever have to listen to GW give another State of the Union. And for that, I will celebrate!
12. She Likes Purple | January 29th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Our Christmas lights are still up and our grouchy neighbors put their LADDER against the side of our house. They’re staying up now, bitches.
13. Kristin H | January 29th, 2008 at 10:53 am
My husband’s sneeze sounds like this: HHHUUUUHHHppbbWAAAAAHHH!!! So I feel for Adam, I really do. In the car, it’s an unbearable sound.
SLP: Their ladder against your house? I am sorry to laugh, but…not really. I will laugh all day at your neighbors, who in my mind are 80, frumpy, and frowning.
14. moo | January 29th, 2008 at 11:54 am
OMG, I totally hate the HOA. We used to call them the “homeowner nazis” because they would write us scathing letters about nothing in particular. I think they were just looking for something to do.
Die HOA! Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie.
15. Mammaren | January 29th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I’m with Jonniker, she was totally reading Tuesdays with Morrie. LOL HOA rules are STUUUPID. And I love you for your comment about Clinton and being eaten by Kennedy..
16. clickmom | January 29th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
OMG – the people in my neighborhood jog down their driveways to collect their trash cans the minute the trucks rolls by. My house? Well, there was one time when we just brought the fresh bags back to the can while it was still standing vigil at the curb- the next time trash was being picked up- three days later. We got class!
17. Muse | January 29th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
OMG! The garbage! My neighbor, the crazy ass Italian war-bride (when I moved in that’s how she was described to me.. okay, minus the “crazy ass” part, I added that after 5 seconds of meeting her), has gone out of her way to tell my to move my steeenky (she has an accent) trashes and that it is ILLEGAL to leave them somewhere other than my backyard. I didn’t even leave them curbside – they were just in front of my garage.
And for the record, I stand by my claim that if you throw a pointy, red cap on Bush, he would make THE perfect garden gnome. Am I right?
18. rookiemom | January 30th, 2008 at 10:07 am
I too have experienced the pain of over-zealous homeowner’s associations. I seriously think the people around here have nothing better to do then stare out their windows 24 hours a frickin’ day.
19. Alyce | January 30th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I’m just perplexed that you actually watched the SOTU.
20. cagey | January 30th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Wandered over here from Leah’s place and the first 2 paragraphs had me choking on my shiraz-grenache blend.
2 weeks ago we received a notice from our CITY about leaving our cans out (I know damned well who it was the reported us.) The difference in my situation is that I then had something tangible to wave in front of my husband’s face. Which I did gleefully. I mean, not that I would ever nag my husband about helping to bring in the trashcans.
Hell NO.
21. the new girl | January 30th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Okay.
Get this.
Today it was super windy here and ALL of my garbage cans BLEW AWAY!
I’m not even kidding. They’re GONE. I looked around, in the street and such. NOTHING.
22. Mauigirl52 | January 30th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
My sympathies on the garbage thing. We violate our town’s rules all the time by not putting our garbage out in actual garbage cans (we put it out in its black plastic garbage bags). This is because our last garbage can got STOLEN.
I totally agree it’s about damn time we had a Presidential candidate who is either a woman or an African-American. Now let’s hope one of them actually gets elected in November!
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