Pace Is The Trick
February 18th, 2008
Oh hi! I can barely walk, thanks, due to non-stop box toting and heavy lifting. Usually, I collapse into bed at night just PRAYING that my back feels better in the morning and yet knowing that it really doesn’t matter, for I shall lift again come morning. I am now walking around vaguely like a person who is approximately eleven months pregnant, complete with hands on lower back and jutting abdomen.
And sadly, that is the most exciting thing that’s happened to me lately, for when your life revolves around packing and Home Depot, that’s kind of the best you can hope for, in terms of blog fodder. It would have been much more exciting if I were, I don’t know, IMMOBILE or something, but alas, fake-pregnant duck waddling is the best I can do. And further, reality hasn’t totally set in that we’re moving, but it’s hard to deny that I am, in fact, blowing this joint in about a week and a half.
!!!
Excuse me while I go to collect my intestines from the floor after reading that statement again.
But anyway, you don’t need to be tortured this way, for I have MANY other mundane things to go on about, and aren’t you lucky? For starters, I attempted to order a pair of boots in anticipation of the grand freeze, and I thought Adam would shit himself right then and there, because NO BOXES IN THE HOUSE. NO MORE ITEMS. NO BOOTS. BOOTS COME IN BOXES. HAVE I GONE MAD? I didn’t know that a pair of Uggs (shut up) could cause such marital strife and though I am simply DYING to get a pair of footwear that doesn’t expose the entire length of my foot, I will refrain until we arrive in the Green Mountains, lest I tip Adam over the moving edge with Yet Another Pair of Shoes.
Also, I plan to wear my Uggs with shorts and Bohemian tops, like Kate Hudson. Will that offend anyone?
Speaking of Adam, and he’ll throttle me for this, but I was going on to Lawyerish earlier about one of the grand unfair universal truths: men get hotter as they age, and I’m living with a real, live specimen of this truth, and frankly, it’s really starting to piss me off. Adam is WAY hotter now than he was when we first started dating, and while I’m thrilled — don’t get me wrong — that I get more eye candy than ever before, I can say without too much self-deprecation that I have not, in any way, shape, or form, gotten hotter. Better hair, maybe, but that barely breaks me even when you consider the expanding hip-and-ass factor, along with the ever-appealing incredible shrinking boobs. I mean, maybe I’m more attractive because I’m older and therefore less irritating (less drama, less whining … orrr, maybe it’s just different. Forget it), but I haven’t gotten physically hotter the way he has. And it’s totally unfair. Delicious, but wholly unfair. I think these sorts of things should be doled out to couples EQUALLY, so that we can be equal in our hot factor. But alas, I am getting LAPPED, and he was ALREADY way ahead of me on this one before he went and got himself all distinguished with age.
I cannot take advantage of any of this distinguished-ness, incidentally, for not surprisingly, the stress of all the moving has landed me a wonderful case of Lip Herp, so not only am I losing the war of hotness, but as of this moment, I am going down in the smallest of battles, too. I’d also like to say — and cold sore sufferers will back me on this — that I have never in my life had more sympathy for genital herpes sufferers than when I have a cold sore. The VERY THOUGHT of such a tingly, painful open sore (ew, open sore! EW! That’s what it is? I HAVE AN OPEN SORE. GROSS) in that general vicinity makes me want to weep in solidarity. There wouldn’t be enough Valtrex in the world to placate me, and if there are any readers who are … lower herp sufferers, please let me buy you something pretty and shiny, like a Corvette, because Jesus, you deserve it.
Oh and ALSO, I’m watching Big Brother, and though there are many who eschew it for all of the usual reasons (the people are dumb, the content is reprehensible, there isn’t a likable person in the bunch like, EVER), I have to say: I’m addicted yet again. Something about that creepy slice of random, classless life is like television crack to me. I know, there are so many other things I should be doing with my time (like, say, packing boxes or massaging my lips with Abreva or bathing my dog, for she is emanating waves of doggie stink), but I remain riveted by whatever contrived theme they throw my way (Couples! Til Death Do Us Part! AND THE IDIOTS DON’T GET IT. LIKE, HOW HARD IS THAT? HOW HARD IS THAAAAAAT?)
*Interpol, who I adore, but I always forget. But dude, I dare you to listen to them and not feel cool, no matter how dorky you are.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
29 Comments Add your own
1. Janssen | February 18th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Wow, this whole entry just cracked me right up – and also, I’ve never quite thought of them as open sores in that vicinity. I need to go boil my lower half, now, i think.
2. Angella | February 18th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Matthew just gets hotter with age. It is true…and it is not fair.
Also. I got sucked into Big Brother again last night. SAVE ME!!
3. jonniker | February 18th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Angella, I can’t save you, for I am drowning in the Big Brother of Stink like YOU READ ABOUT. It’s bad. I am bad. I am addicted.
And not to suck you into the vortex any more than you already are, but YOU PLAY AS A COUPLE. Why don’t they get it? WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING IT? Like dude, being a divisive NUTBALL and throwing your PARTNER under the FRICKIN’ BUS is not going to help you.
It’s not. And it really grates my cheese.
4. Desha | February 18th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Ah yes, damn those pesky men and their hotness-with-age. It’s something to do with either the texture of their skin or not wearing makeup – have you noticed how they just look CUTE on waking? I look like a train ran over me for a good hour or two. No BB, I fear it would cause me to hurl things at the tv. Good luck on the move! Try tiger balm for your back, it really gets in the muscles.
5. Jamie | February 18th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I support your choice in winter footwear, but I have to break some bad news to you – they aren’t waterproof. Hopefully you know that, or can at least prepare once you get up north and start tromping around in all that snow.
6. jonniker | February 19th, 2008 at 5:59 am
Jamie: I’d heard that they weren’t waterproof, and it saddens me deeply. Frankly, and this is illogical, I want them for traipsing around inside and keeping my feet warm outside in non-shoveling situations. But mostly I just want the option of resting my naked little feets in warm fur, because JESUS, it’s cold. COOOOOLLLLLD.
7. TwoBusy | February 19th, 2008 at 6:02 am
Re: Ugg boots: on behalf of rational males of the species… um… no. Just… no.
8. jonniker | February 19th, 2008 at 6:03 am
HAHAHA, TB, Adam feels the same way. And dude, I agree, they are hideous, but have you ever put them on your feet? SO COMFORTABLE.
(I have a pair of the slippers, but they have been chewed by a certain small dog when she was a puppy)
9. -R- | February 19th, 2008 at 6:22 am
It hadn’t occurred to me before now that you will no longer be able to live in your flip-flops all year! Good luck on the moving preparations.
I think my husband and I look pretty much the same as we did 7 years ago. I’m in denial, I think.
10. Sadie | February 19th, 2008 at 7:19 am
Oh, man, you’ve touched on one of those rage points for me: WHY DO MEN GET HOTTER as they AGE?!?! It’s straight fucked up. Meanwhile I am over here rubbing eye cream into my frigging crow’s feet and wondering if a bikini is age-inappropriate for me (29! I am 29!). And, like you, I have a boyfriend who would have lapped me on my best-looking day at age 24…so this can only go downhill, is what I’m saying.
Take some Doan’s back reliever, if you really want to keep on the geriatric tip. Sadly, it kind of works.
11. Lawyerish | February 19th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Having spent a decent amount of time with both of you, I think I can say with some authority that you and Adam are of equal hotness. You are. I won’t hear otherwise. And while I’m sure you’ve always been adorable, I think based on those old haircut photos (The Shag, we’ll call it), you are pretty much at peak hotness thus far, and still rising.
12. H | February 19th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Big Brother is one of those shows I can’t wait to watch but will rarely admit that I do. This season seems to be a hybrid of Paradise Hotel and Big Brother. How dumb are Jen and Ryan? Could they not have gotten away with keeping their “secret” for longer than 20 seconds? Who wants to be evicted first? Buh-bye folks!
13. Swistle | February 19th, 2008 at 7:46 am
Oh, it is SO UNFAIR. Paul is definitely hottening up, whereas I have 5-children tummy and am getting wobbly arms.
14. claire | February 19th, 2008 at 8:43 am
i KNOW! Why couldn’t they keep the secret!? Stupid Ryan and Jen. Just shut up. If you go, you ruin it for your partners. Cause it’s a PARTNER SEASON. HELLOOO. I hear you – i don’t know why i watch this crap, either. But it’s on THREE. TIMES. A WEEK.
help?
15. Jess | February 19th, 2008 at 10:51 am
I want Uggs too. Because they are warm. Seriously.
Also, the boots come in a box and therefore can pack themselves. That’s a good thing, right? No?
16. Ashley | February 19th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
i can understand why he didn’t want more boxes, but seriously….you need warm boots. Vermont is damn cold and they have gotten upwards of 4 feet of snow this season.
i hope your back/legs/joints feel better!
17. Jen | February 19th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I caved and got Uggs this year (I’m in upstate NY) and they are so worth the money. In the frigid weather, my feet are SO warm. I definitely wear them with my frayed little denim mini and a t-shirt that says “Princess” in sparkly letters. SO HOT RIGHT NOW.
18. MsPrufrock | February 19th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Ok, I seriously read the first line as, “I can barely walk, thanks, due to non-stop botoxing…” Goodness, the mental images that provoked…
They are kind of Interpol-lite in my opinion, but I like the Editors a lot too. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
19. Style Bard | February 19th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Sigh. Offended. It’s my official stance, so, no offense back. I just got a nice pair of sturdy black boots with a rubber outside that looks pretty close to leather and inside is insulated and has the fur-comfort thing going on. Much better! And waterproof! I can’t imagine a different fur-lined flat boot being more comfortable, but I do know that mine were quite cheaper and are much more attractive, so say I. (Mostly because the foot of it isn’t so abhorrously square, it’s got a rounded point, and it’s got a tiny flat square heel so they don’t look like bedroom slippers.)
My guilty pleasures are Make Me a Supermodel but ESPECIALLY Paradise Hotel 2. You just have to watch it… it pretty much blatantly sets it up that you’ll go further if you hook up, so it’s… kind of mesmerizing no-brain reality.
20. jonniker | February 19th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
To be clear: I was totally kidding about the shorts and Bohemian tops. I haven’t worn shorts in about five years. And ah, certainly not with Uggs.
21. Desha | February 20th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I, for one, am relieved- not because of you personally eschewing shorts and (f)uggs, but because that is a combo that should never be made (as well as miniskirts and uggs, damn you college girls!), much like peanut butter and….liver. I haven’t worn shorts in about that long either- short skirts, yes, bathing suit bottoms yes. But NOoooooOoooot shorrrrrrts- there’s something that I just find repugnant about shorts.(on me) I’d rather wear thin pants or a dress/skirt if its hot. Sooo… How about the move? How’s it going?
22. amber | February 20th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I’ve noticed the same thing- men all get more attractive with age, in some cases MUCH more so (at least until a certain point) but women, oh no, it’s all downhill for us.
I demand a switch.
23. TB | February 21st, 2008 at 5:14 am
Holy crow, you move FAST. I’m all caught up now and I know you’re probably insanely busy, but if you want to take a break from the craziness at any point this weekend, I’d love LOVE to see you before you leave. I’ll even come to you and help pack if you like. I’ve got a new cell number so if you see an unfamiliar 239 call coming in, it’s probably me.
24. the new girl | February 21st, 2008 at 5:36 pm
ooooh, man. the lip herp. I’m so with you. I actually get them, wait for this:
IN MY NOSE.
Dude. It is certainly less unsightly but way more painful.
The ‘lower herp?’ Can’t even imagine.
25. K McQ | February 23rd, 2008 at 5:31 pm
My Uggs are waterproof. I live in them now that I just spend my time pushing a stroller around NYC and nary a drop has gotten through to my toes! I bought the Ultras, not the Classics so not sure if that makes a diff or not.
Anyway who cares what they look like when your feet are warm inside without even having to wear socks in 10 degree weather!! I’ve suffered through far too many heels-in-the-snow days to care! Bring on the Uggs.
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