Apres Moi
February 20th, 2008
Hello! Greetings from the land of the unemployed! I finished my last day of work today, and it’s been a whirlwind of work-related drama and worse, I accidentally deleted my ENTIRE INBOX AND SENT MAIL, so Jesus, I really hope they don’t need anything after I’m gone. So that was my last gift to the company: sheer idiocy and technical incompetence. Good times. I mean, logic tells me they won’t need it because hello, I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE, but the last thing I want to look like is the shady weirdo who vanished without a trace. Mission so not accomplished.
Anyway, I think tomorrow is officially going to be there weirdest day, when I wake up for the first time with nowhere to actually go. Well, I am meeting Carol at noon, but that’s about it, and then … nothing scheduled for the foreseeable future, except for that whole MOVERS ARRIVING thing. And then the whole cross-country (up country?) thing. Incidentally, we’re planning on stopping in Georgia, Virginia, New Jersey and Boston, so if you see a silver Honda CRV with a pug and two glazed-over people in it, it’s us. I’m the one with the flaming red hair. Wave, if you want to. I’ll totally wave back. Or better yet, throw the goat, because how else will I know it’s you?
I’ve been a shitty, shitty human being lately. I’ve been a shitty friend, a shitty acquaintance and a shitty … lots of things. And one of the things I’m looking forward to about starting over is having the time to repair some of my relationships that have fallen apart because of lack of attention. I certainly didn’t do anything overt or direct to hurt anyone, but I’ll say that my strategy for relationships lately has been … benign neglect. I’ve not called a ton of people I need to call. I’ve failed to keep up on my family. And it sucks, ergo I suck. The only thing I can really say is that tomorrow is another day — another day for a fresh start, apologies and Jesus, a little action. I plan to remember birthdays and anniversaries and actually call people back.
And not that this is any excuse, but this all happened SO FAST. The truth is that while the move was sort of planned, it wasn’t planned to go down that fast — Adam’s was initially a telecommuting job, and when we realized we’d want to move, it was an open deadline to get there. And then, just like that, we got a renter and a house and we had to leave and … I don’t even know, I just sort of feel like I blinked and it arrived. And before that, I was working so much and dealing with personnel issues and the pressures of deadline that I neglected to actually LIVE, and I screwed so much of my life up while I wasn’t paying attention. And now, although I never liked Florida that much, it’s too late to really realize what I did have here, and what I ignored while I was focused on things that I now realize don’t really matter.
And you know, I haven’t talked about it in a long time, but we had very few friends here, really. And in retrospect, a lot of that was our fault. Oh, I had people at work that I loved — my coworker, Chad, is someone that I honestly will miss immensely. I felt like Dorothy leaving the Scarecrow, for I will miss Chad most of all. Male-female relationships are so hard — especially between two people who are happily married — due to all of the appropriateness issues, but I think we genuinely liked each other as people on a purely platonic level, and my only regret is that I didn’t have him and his wife over for dinner. I would have liked to get to know her, too, and spend time with both of them and it’s a chance I wish I’d taken. And the truth is, if Chad were a woman, I would have. And when he left, he said the same thing. And for that, I am an idiot, and so is he, for that was stupid, and there was nothing inappropriate about our relationship for even a flash of a second.
And also, did I ever tell you that I’m a pansy? Yeah. I suck at reaching out to people, because I’m always afraid I’ll be rejected. Even when someone is CLEARLY trying to be friends with me, I back off, terrified that I’ll offend them or come on too strong. There have been times when I have avoided friendly advances from people who want to SPEND TIME WITH ME — because surely, I think they must be mistaken, and what if I say the wrong thing? I think it’s why, in part, I’m so comfortable at work. I’m aggressive at the office — organized, outspoken and even risky – because I’m smart and capable (and confident!). And if I’m working, it helps me to avoid what I’m actually afraid of — for in my personal life, I am a turtle. The slightest breeze sends me ducking for cover.
And the other thing is that Adam and I became dangerously complacent in our friendless state. In Boston, we were able to rely on a foundation that we’d built when we were 18 — we moved there from Syracuse with nearly every one of our college friends, and once you have a foundation like that, you can build on it easily. And when we moved here, we quickly got used to having no one to rely on but each other. While it did wonders for our already solid marriage because we literally spent every waking moment together except when we were working, it is a shame that we never branched out to other people. Most of that was because of the weird dynamics of this place — elderly retirees outnumber people under 80 by about 20 to 1, and the young people fall in two categories: rednecks or the extremely wealthy and pretentious Charles Schwab-types with pinstripe suits and cars that they care DEEPLY about. And once we realized we were leaving here (which was about five minutes after we arrived), we just gave up. Because once you know you’re leaving, no matter how far into the future it is, you check out.
I’m looking forward to a life that I can be checked into. I haven’t had that life for two-and-a-half years.
So hey! Here’s to new beginnings. I guess I’ll figure that my life, once again, is happening now and maybe I should wake up and pay attention.
Have a great Thursday.
*Regina Spektor
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
18 Comments Add your own
1. Janssen | February 20th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Lovely post – thanks for the encouragement.
2. Angella | February 20th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
This was all sorts of wonderful.
I was like you for a good part of my life, and can easily slip into the whole “checking out” mentality.
Thankfully, I took some chances, and others took chances on me…and now I am “forced” to be involved.
Some days it seems like too much efoort, but once we actually get together, I wonder why we do not do so more often.
Hooray for you guys, and for new beginnings!
3. bubandpie | February 21st, 2008 at 5:03 am
I’m moving to a town where I’m already pretty certain that I won’t make any friends. Partly there’s the demographic you described (lots of retirees), and partly it’s because the city where I live now is only a 45-minute drive away. I can pretty much keep up with my once-every-two-months schedule for having coffee with my existing friends – I won’t NEED to make new ones. So I won’t. (I’d like to – don’t get me wrong – but it takes a lot more than that kind of mild preference to make me undergo the torture of seeking out and attempting to form new friendships.)
4. TwoBusy | February 21st, 2008 at 6:16 am
So… wait. Does this mean you’re going to miss your naked ATV-riding neighbors? I’m confused.
5. kirida | February 21st, 2008 at 6:39 am
I doubt you’ll be without friends for long.
6. Jen | February 21st, 2008 at 6:49 am
Thought of you this morning as Matt and Meredith were in Vermont for the Today Show…
Making friends as an adult is one of the toughest things. Here’s to a fresh start!
7. Erin | February 21st, 2008 at 7:37 am
Don’t you sometimes miss being in school where making friends was sometimes as easy as saying “can I sit here?” in the cafeteria or sharing a joke about a teacher’s nauseating comb over? Making friends as an adult is sooooo much harder. You want a life outside of work, but actually approaching strangers in non-work-related situations is just so… bleccch. I am a turtle person too, though I have found that it is easier to chat with people when you like where you live. I wonder why that is.
8. Amity | February 21st, 2008 at 8:11 am
Thought of you this morning with The Today Show was profiling Vermont, and how everyone that lives there are transplants from somewhere else–they visit and never want to leave. I hope that you will have that same experience.
9. jen from boston | February 21st, 2008 at 10:08 am
I’ll be on the lookout for your car.
Here’s to do-overs!
10. Ashley | February 21st, 2008 at 10:11 am
I am the same way right now with relationships….I am trying to balance my relationship (long-distance) and my stressful job with my desire to be creative and find a new place to live…and, well. I’ve been neglectful.
I hope you have an easier time in VT connecting and building foundations – but i have a sneaking feeling you will. Everyone in Vermont is so friendly and genuine.
11. ie | February 21st, 2008 at 10:31 am
Giving a little turtle-wave to you as you begin your journey to your new life.
Do-over indeed!
If you know after that first five minutes that VT is it for you, then you both get to poke out your little turtleheads and start anew.
Drive safely!
12. Jennifer | February 21st, 2008 at 11:26 am
Wow, that post sounded like it was written from within my own head. We (hubs and I) moved to town-100-miles-north-of-Seattle 2 years ago, and we telecommute. We have made very few friends too. Although if we were having an open house, we counted up about 60 people we could invite – casual friends we’ve met. But no one we know well enough to invite over for dinner. And that’s our own damn fault – for not following up, making the phone calls, doing all the same relationship-building stuff you mentioned. I’ve even had people come halfway and take the chance: receptionist at my GP’s office last week said, “I see you’ve just moved here recently, well so have I, here’s my phone number, give me a call if you wanna go hiking or for coffee sometime.” Have I called – NO. Why is that? Why do adults have so much trouble making friends?? Turtles, indeed.
13. Rachel | February 21st, 2008 at 11:28 am
Forming a solid friendship with a new person might be one the hardest things about being an adult, in my mind.
I hope Vermont is a rainbow with a pot of friends at the end. Except, knowing Vermont, at the end of the rainbow it’d be more like friends with pot.
14. Kristin | February 21st, 2008 at 4:56 pm
So, if you should get yourselves turned around in, say, Pennsylvania and find yourself wandering aimlessly in the winter barren that is Indiana, feel free to stop by! Um, not that I would know anything about getting lost and finding myself two states away from where I meant to be. Ahem.
15. Mauigirl52 | February 21st, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Best of luck with the move! If you drive past me at exit 148 on the Garden State Parkway, give me a wave! Or stop by!
16. Christine | February 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Hey, so I’m late to this post, but YAY for new beginnings and a place to really call home.
I’m wishing you guys the best. And if you want to stop in New Jersey (or the more southern parts of it) you give me a call and we’ll do lunch.
17. lettuce hater | February 24th, 2008 at 3:55 am
tons of luck for the big move!
i am in the total opposite mode when it comes to friend-making and it’s EXHAUSTING!
having moved back to my hometown after a 16 year absence a couple of years ago, i regard every interaction with another human being as a potential friendship in the making
seriously, i need to BACK OFF!
BUT i have made some good friends now so the effort was all worth it
18. WilliamsCHRISTIE24 | June 30th, 2010 at 6:54 am
Some specialists state that personal loans help a lot of people to live the way they want, just because they can feel free to buy necessary goods. Furthermore, some banks present term loan for different classes of people.
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