Headlights on Dark Roads
February 26th, 2008
The movers finished packing our crap early this morning, so hey, guess what? We’re off! TO VERMONT. Greetings from … where the hell am I? Oh yes! At this moment, I am outside Savannah, somewhere off of I-95. Savannah, incidentally, is one of my very favorite places in the United States, and when I lived in Hilton Head, I often wished I’d lived here instead. For context, my other favorite places in the country are Charleston, S.C.; Salt Lake City, Utah (yes, really); Newburyport, Mass. and, the winner of all, Orange County, Calif. My version of heaven is a small stretch of beach outside of the Montage resort in Laguna Beach. Oh, and their facials aren’t half bad either.
It’s unfortunate that we have to leave tomorrow, because it’s the Collard Green Festival this weekend, and who doesn’t like a … festival … celebrating the wonders that are collard greens! I should confess, too, that I love collard greens but, ah, A FESTIVAL? Really?
The drive so far has been blissfully uneventful and honestly, y’all? It’s effing weird. We’re in that weird sort of limbo-homeless state where we have completely closed out our old house and loaded our shit into a Mayflower truck (holla if you see one! It might be my bedroom set!) and yet, our new house isn’t officially ours until Saturday. Ergo, until then, I am calling a Four Points Sheraton, my sister-in-law’s house and my parents’ place home. And thank God they’re having us, because without them, we would be wandering the streets of a strange town hoping that someone would give Sunny Milk Bones and let us use their toilet.
I should tell you that I did flip off the entire state of Florida as I entered Georgia, and I know that kind of makes me jerky, but Florida and I weren’t friends. So to my Floridian friends: I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me.
What I don’t like is road trip food. Adam has been mocking me repeatedly, for I am nothing if not the picture of health. Within a ten minute stretch today, I was gnawing on a slice of beef jerky, downing a Mountain Dew and sneaking a contraband cigarette out the window of my Honda (Smoking: a road-trip vice I return to, again and again, mercifully with no lasting consequences. Last time I did this was our trip down to Florida two years ago. I seem to be of the lucky former smoker sort who can have an occasional cigarette without being addicted. Given my otherwise shitty luck, I’ll take this one small boon of good fortune, if you can call it that). Oh, and we had McDonald’s for lunch — drive through, baby, because with a certain small dog in the back, dining in healthily is no longer an option.
I also had Combos. And y’all, I LOVE Combos. If heaven were a snack, it would be a big bowl of Combos and crema de leche. And further, it’s the official snack of NASCAR, which is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS, because I’m sorry, NASCAR — or any sport, for that matter — needs an official snack.
And unless you want to hear my review of Kurt Vonnegut’s “Breakfast of Champions”, which I am the last person in the world to read, I think we’re done here (the verdict: Love. I mean, no shit, right? It’s Vonnegut! But also, it reminds me of “The Corrections” in its achingly unflinching and sympathetic portrayal of utterly contemptible characters, which is stupid stupid stupid, as dude, which one came first? HELLO). NASCAR snacks are the best I can do right now, but since people who know me in real life read this, it’s the easiest way to say hey! We’re alive! And in Georgia! Tomorrow: Virginia. Again, throw the goat if you see us in the Chesapeake region.
*Snow Patrol
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
29 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | February 26th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
What does throw the goat mean? Am I old and uncool for not knowing?
Don’t make fun of Combos! They are good! Although I prefer Gardettos.
2. Blythe | February 27th, 2008 at 12:07 am
I love Salt Lake City. And road food. Road trips are the only occasions I ever buy Smartfood White Cheddar Popcorn. And Snapple. Mmmmmmm…
3. kirida | February 27th, 2008 at 1:34 am
If you are on a road trip, you are automatically given carte blanche to eat as many Combos as you like.
4. Orange Peacock | February 27th, 2008 at 4:12 am
…throw the goat?
Wave when you pass DC! I’ll be hunched over a desk here.
5. cagey | February 27th, 2008 at 5:03 am
A Collard Green Festival? Hell, I believe that may just beat the Garlic Festival in Gilroy, CA – which was pretty freakin’ cool. But still – a Collard Green festival? Hmmm….
6. askew adventures | February 27th, 2008 at 6:01 am
For the people in the audience (and for myself, cause I had no clue either): To throw the goat, you need to extend your index finger and your pinkey, while curling your middle and ring fingers down until they touch your palm. Your thumb is then placed over those two fingers as a guard to prevent them from flying out of position and perhaps causing injury.
Also, I love Salt Lake City, Utah, too and I am not Mormon. It’s got all the advantages of a city in close proximity to all the advantages of being in the mountains in the middle of nowhere.
7. TwoBusy | February 27th, 2008 at 6:06 am
Why would you throw a goat? That seems unkind.
Combos are the best. Several years ago, my wife initiated a policy that both of our cars were required to have a small package of Combos (pretzel; cheddar or nacho) in the glove compartment in case of snack-based emergency. God bless her for it.
(Glad you’re enjoying Breakfast of Champions, btw. I probably read that 15 years ago, but I still get a catch in my breath at the thought of “Fairy Land”…)
8. Christine | February 27th, 2008 at 6:28 am
Honk in Jersey when passing exit 5 on the turnpike (if this is the way you’re coming) during the hours of 8:30 to 6ish. Have an enjoyable road trip…If you’re staying in Richmond VA overnight I recommend seeing the star – the one you can see from I95. Also on our Florida-Jersey drives we always found a trip to Pedro in South of the Border mandatory, but I would not recommend eating there.
Vermont or Bust!
9. claire | February 27th, 2008 at 6:34 am
WOO! Road trip!
Mmmm. Combos.. I’m partial to the ones in the dark blue packaging and the pretzel ones… However, i don’t remember which kind of cheese it is because i haven’t eaten them in years. I’m afraid to start again, because i know i will never stop.. Love the Combos..
Also, good for you for being able to just have one cigarette and go about your life. I hope to be like that when i quit.
Have fun visiting your folks!
10. amandampc | February 27th, 2008 at 6:51 am
Oh wow – the Savannah stops. The moving smokes. The drive-through diet. I’m getting flashbacks. The I-95 corridor, gotta love it. But please – do not stop at Hardy’s. Do not stop at Hardy’s! The smiling star logo is really cute but the burgers, well, not so much. Safe travels to you.
11. amandampc | February 27th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Ooops – I meant HarDEE’s, home of the Thick Burger. Also, you will be driving by South of the Border – perhaps you’ve passed it already. I’ve always been so tempted to go – that weird semi-abandoned amusement park vibe thing. Kind of fascinating.
12. Lawyerish | February 27th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Oooh, I remember reading about South of the Bordern in Sassy magazine when some of the staffers took a road trip to see all the tacky sights they could. Good stuff.
I agree with everyone else; it’s required to eat junk food on the road. In my family, we always ate Pringle’s. The cans somehow made them neater to consume in the car.
13. H | February 27th, 2008 at 8:08 am
OK, now I get how to throw a goat. But what does it mean? Is it like the middle finger? Yes, I’m old, sheltered and uncool.
14. Jamie | February 27th, 2008 at 8:35 am
NASCAR feels it needs an official everything, which includes snack food(s). I, for one, loved pepperoni combos LONG before I became a reluctant NASCAR fan. Perhaps it was predestined for me – written in the stars…
Did you not feel SO ALIVE crossing the Florida border and bidding a not-so-sad farewell to the state? I’m so excited that you’re on your way to something exciting and new! (Like the love boat! only on snow!)
15. Cassidy | February 27th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I am from a place about 40 minutes south of Salt Lake and while I have not lived in Utah in years, Salt Lake City still continues to be one of my favorite cities. Thanks for the shout out.
16. Laurel | February 27th, 2008 at 10:35 am
There’s something about the mention of Combos that makes me quiver–and you know, I really hate that word but that’s the best way to describe it. I love Combos–they are my guilty pleasure on the road (as well as the contraband cigarette–I have the same vice and fortunate non-addiction).
In regards to Combos, I like to bite half of them off and then suck out all the cheese. Combos are meant to be eaten methodically, I think.
17. Leah | February 27th, 2008 at 11:06 am
My heart is warmed to hear that so many people love SLC. It’s beautiful, and weird, and BEAUTIFUL, and WEIRD, and there’s no way in hell I’d ever moved back, but still, there’s no place like home.
I suspect Cassidy and I may have gone to school together; must investigate…
18. Jess | February 27th, 2008 at 11:13 am
This is exactly why I try to avoid road trips. It’s like you get in the car and immediately gain 10 pounds. Urgh.
Way to go on flipping off Florida! I would have, too. Enjoy your long trip alllll the way up 95.
19. Artemisia | February 27th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I hate to admit it, but I really love SLC, too. The suburbs make my skin CRAWL, though.
Here’s to safe travels and new beginnings!
20. banana | February 27th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Delurking to say Breakfast of Champions is absolutely one of my all time favorite books. That’s all.
21. ie | February 27th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Gosh, I guess I was crazy to think I was the only one who goes on road-trip eating mode. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of combos, but I know that I will need: a thermos of coffee, a large soda (of some flavor I never drink), something salty and something sweet.
That’ll get me to the next drive-thru meal.
Don’t forget to get out and stretch once in a while, lest your butt muscles get all sore on ya.
22. Jennifer | February 27th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
So what are the logistics of this-a-here road trip? Are you and Adam driving up your separate cars or are you in the same one? Are the doggy and kitty wandering the car or in carriers and who are they with? How are they doing on the road?
When we drove from CO to WA, hubs was in his car (with bicycles and breakables) and I had both cats with me (in a carrier). It was quite the howl fest for the first day. Fortunately they settled into the routine and quieted down. And for some reason I ate quite well – I just kept gulping down iced tea while eating apples, grapes, cherry tomatoes, and string cheese. Whenever I made a potty stop (quite frequent given all the liquid) I’d clean the kitty litter box. At the end of the whole thing I was actually quite proud of myself!
And we did the same thing… sold our house on a Tuesday, but had no lease on a new place until Friday. We were homeless for 3 days and we have no idea where our furniture was during that time!
I’m excited for you in your new grand adventure.
Oh, and how is “throwing the goat” any different from doing the Texas Longhorns “hook ‘em horns” thing that they’ve been doing for about 50 years?
23. Jennifer | February 27th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Don’t know if you’ve seen this, but it’s the preferred screen-cleaner for Pug parents everywhere:
http://cache.valleywag.com/assets/resources/screenclean.swf
24. She Likes Purple | February 27th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Mike loves combos, and I really didn’t think anyone else on the planet did (although, admittedly, someone other than my husband must be eating them). Too bad you’re not driving through Texas (odd route to get to Vermot, I know). I’d have a margarita and a guest room with your names on them if so. Next move, maybe.
25. Style Bard | February 27th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
It’s not you; it IS us. I have no problem admitting it on our behalf.
Combos are such roadtrip food, you’re right! Is there a reststop anywhere in the US that doesn’t have these?? I think not. So.tempting. And then I make myself get normal pretzels instead. Ah, guilt.
I loved visiting Savannah but I wouldn’t want to live there. When were you in HH?? I vacationed there… it was a little Stepford Wives in SC, but I really thought it was beautiful and serene. I think of all your many travels, VT is seriously going to be the first where it’s not a mutual location for us! Weeiiird.
26. Sarah | February 28th, 2008 at 8:59 am
This makes me want to take a roadtrip really badly. I am an odd type of person who actually enjoys them most of the time, even really long ones. I even went so far as to try beef jerky on the last one, which was the final threshold of roadtripdom I had not crossed. It was okay at first, and then horribly, horribly bad. But I gave it an honest chance! There’s just no beating original Combos though.
I’m thinking that having a toddler and nursing baby would really put a damper on my Combo munching and Snow Patrol listening, so maybe no road trips for me for awhile. Bummer. Have fun for me!
27. Susan | February 28th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Oooh- I was just in Laguna Beach, one of my favorite places, too. It also beats February in Northern Illinois by a long shot!
28. skiplovey | February 29th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Collard green festival? Brilliant, I love collard greens. I mean hey if they can have an asparagus festival, why not collard greens?
29. TB | February 29th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
So, you’re probably there by now… I hope you haven’t lost your mind yet.
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