Maps

Ha ha HAAAA, guess who got lost in the Green Mountain National Forest today? GOOD TIMES. Jesus, those roads are windy and scary and there were a few moments where I almost went all Jane Fonda in “9 to 5″ screaming to myself, “PULL OVER, PULL OVER!” but there was no where to PULL OVER. I was in the MOUNTAINS. On NARROW SNOWY ROADS. And then my mind went all James Kim, and I imagined my family wondering where I went for weeks and days, not realizing until JULY that I was in a snow drift somewhere north of the gleaming metropolis of Ripton, VT (Pop. 556). Vermont is like that, it seems — one minute you’re searching for the auto supply store in a reasonably populated area seeking only a set of new wiper blades, and the next, you’re wildly cruising through the mountains wondering if you’re going to make it out alive, because THERE ARE NO PEOPLE. ONLY MOOSE. AND PINE TREES.

(GAH. MOOSE.)

Incidentally, my hair turned out perfectly, and dude, I give that hairdresser all the credit in the world for hanging in there and making a concerted effort. When I walked in, honestly, there was sheer panic in their eyes — SHEER. PANIC. It took three stylists, four combs and 30 minutes of analysis to determine how they would approach the highlighting process. I had no idea my hair was so … complicated, but I guess it is, given that at one point my new hairdresser whispered desperately, “THERE IS NO PATTERN. NO PATTERN. AND NO NATURAL COLOR AT ALL. WHAT. THE. HELL.”

(For hair aficionados, my entire head is foiled in shades of light blond, red, pink and copper-ish. I’d post a photo, but I can’t, thank you, Adam! See Flickr for details.)

And it turned out perfectly. And the best part, that will make people who get their hair colored regularly DIE OF SHOCK: the whole thing cost me $80. A FULL FOIL ON MY ENTIRE HEAD. AND A CUT. FOR EIGHTY DOLLARS.

EIGHTY DOLLARS. I AM DEAD FROM REVERSE STICKER SHOCK. (For reference, my friend E got a single process last week — no foils — for $200. In Boston, this would have cost me $350; in Florida, $170. Look, I know it’s expensive, but I am cheap in other ways and am wearing jeans procured at an outlet that are very likely irregular. Not that I have to justify this, but still, as my grandmother would say, there are starving children in China! THE HORROR.) (Why China, I do not know, but that’s what Italian grandmothers do. They bullshit, I guess. Why won’t I stop talking?)

Ahem. I have taken A Turn. Anyway, while my hairdresser offers none of the wild antics that Squiggy did, I anticipate that there will be PLENTY of issues to discuss, because get this:

He lives off the grid. As in, he has no public utilities and he built some kind of insane WATER GENERATOR or some shit and he tells me it doesn’t work so well, so they go without electricity for days at a time.

Days. I mean, dude, I’m all for being environmentally conscious — we’re here, after all, because Adam got a job at a green company — but off the grid? OFF THE GRID. Oh my holy hell. And also slightly ironic, because he spent the better part of the morning smearing chemicals on my head. Something seems incongruous there, but I can’t put my finger on it.

Which reminds me, and then I’ll stop, because really, enough is enough, but I’ll simply add that I went to buy a microwave today and couldn’t find a single store in this teeny town that might sell one. And dude, when I asked the clerk at the drug store, she was utterly FLUMMOXED and said I might have to drive into the “big city for that.”

The big city, which has a population of 38,000. FOR A MICROWAVE.

*Yeah Yeah Yeahs

21 comments March 4th, 2008