Maps
March 4th, 2008
Ha ha HAAAA, guess who got lost in the Green Mountain National Forest today? GOOD TIMES. Jesus, those roads are windy and scary and there were a few moments where I almost went all Jane Fonda in “9 to 5″ screaming to myself, “PULL OVER, PULL OVER!” but there was no where to PULL OVER. I was in the MOUNTAINS. On NARROW SNOWY ROADS. And then my mind went all James Kim, and I imagined my family wondering where I went for weeks and days, not realizing until JULY that I was in a snow drift somewhere north of the gleaming metropolis of Ripton, VT (Pop. 556). Vermont is like that, it seems — one minute you’re searching for the auto supply store in a reasonably populated area seeking only a set of new wiper blades, and the next, you’re wildly cruising through the mountains wondering if you’re going to make it out alive, because THERE ARE NO PEOPLE. ONLY MOOSE. AND PINE TREES.
(GAH. MOOSE.)
Incidentally, my hair turned out perfectly, and dude, I give that hairdresser all the credit in the world for hanging in there and making a concerted effort. When I walked in, honestly, there was sheer panic in their eyes — SHEER. PANIC. It took three stylists, four combs and 30 minutes of analysis to determine how they would approach the highlighting process. I had no idea my hair was so … complicated, but I guess it is, given that at one point my new hairdresser whispered desperately, “THERE IS NO PATTERN. NO PATTERN. AND NO NATURAL COLOR AT ALL. WHAT. THE. HELL.”
(For hair aficionados, my entire head is foiled in shades of light blond, red, pink and copper-ish. I’d post a photo, but I can’t, thank you, Adam! See Flickr for details.)
And it turned out perfectly. And the best part, that will make people who get their hair colored regularly DIE OF SHOCK: the whole thing cost me $80. A FULL FOIL ON MY ENTIRE HEAD. AND A CUT. FOR EIGHTY DOLLARS.
EIGHTY DOLLARS. I AM DEAD FROM REVERSE STICKER SHOCK. (For reference, my friend E got a single process last week — no foils — for $200. In Boston, this would have cost me $350; in Florida, $170. Look, I know it’s expensive, but I am cheap in other ways and am wearing jeans procured at an outlet that are very likely irregular. Not that I have to justify this, but still, as my grandmother would say, there are starving children in China! THE HORROR.) (Why China, I do not know, but that’s what Italian grandmothers do. They bullshit, I guess. Why won’t I stop talking?)
Ahem. I have taken A Turn. Anyway, while my hairdresser offers none of the wild antics that Squiggy did, I anticipate that there will be PLENTY of issues to discuss, because get this:
He lives off the grid. As in, he has no public utilities and he built some kind of insane WATER GENERATOR or some shit and he tells me it doesn’t work so well, so they go without electricity for days at a time.
Days. I mean, dude, I’m all for being environmentally conscious — we’re here, after all, because Adam got a job at a green company — but off the grid? OFF THE GRID. Oh my holy hell. And also slightly ironic, because he spent the better part of the morning smearing chemicals on my head. Something seems incongruous there, but I can’t put my finger on it.
Which reminds me, and then I’ll stop, because really, enough is enough, but I’ll simply add that I went to buy a microwave today and couldn’t find a single store in this teeny town that might sell one. And dude, when I asked the clerk at the drug store, she was utterly FLUMMOXED and said I might have to drive into the “big city for that.”
The big city, which has a population of 38,000. FOR A MICROWAVE.
*Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. motherofbun | March 4th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Highlights and haircut for $80! Did you make a deal with the devil er something? heehee. If so, can I get the same deal? Cause for that price, I’d gladly give someone a kidney, or an eye, or my soul, etc…
But seriously tho. That is awesome.
Good luck finding that microwave.
2. VDog | March 4th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
OMFG, you are hilarious! SueBob came through with the recommendation!
I will be back.
And hair did for $80!! OMFG! DAYUM.
3. Camels & Chocolate | March 4th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Congrats for making it! I took a road trip to Vermont from NYC right before I relocated to the West Coast last month, and holy Joseph and Mary, do I know what you mean. For miles and miles and miles, there are no people. Just snow. And moose.
And in my opinion, the most stressful part about moving is finding a new hairdresser. Actually, I’ve never quite mastered this, so after 14 moves in seven years, I simply return to my hometown in Tennessee every time I need a trim and highlight. Although I can get everything for a reasonable $125, you then must tack on the $300+ for the plane ticket. Now that’s an expensive cut.
4. Sarcomical | March 5th, 2008 at 3:40 am
am so very jealous.
of the nature, and the moose. and the somewhere different!
can’t wait to see some photos.
5. Debbie in the UK | March 5th, 2008 at 5:17 am
Oh Jonniker, I have just decided to go back to my natural colour because of the COST of having highlights. It’s £100 here for my colour and £50 for the cut which equates to $300 or thereabouts. Totally ridiculous and I am going to see if I can live with mosy brown for a while…..we shall see!!
Vermont sounds beautiful.
6. amandampc | March 5th, 2008 at 6:16 am
Jealous here too – trees + no people. You get to have pink in your hair. You write like a bolt out of the sky. I’d gladly trade pretty much most of my lapsed Episcopalian-ism for a chunk of all that.
7. Carrie | March 5th, 2008 at 6:18 am
What–no mor Ronald McDonald hair??? AND it was cheap? Holy crap! You should have moved there AGES ago.
I can top most people when it comes to cheap. If I have to spend more than $20 for a hair cut, I just about have a heart attack. And I DON’T color NOR highlight. I let the dirty blonde just SHINE through! Sometimes I wonder if I’m missing some sort of luxury….but then I remember that I CAN’T AFFORD it. Dirty blonde is good. Dirty blonde is GOOD, I said!
8. Shelly | March 5th, 2008 at 6:34 am
I live in a town with about 38,000 people. Woo Hoo. Excitement abounds. The big scandals around here are the religious community fighting against a casino on the riverfront (for it WILL bring the mafia and prostitutes to our ‘family’ community), and the fact that our one and only (I think….) Adult shop got busted for **gasp** prostitution. And underage drinking. This adult shop is in a residential neighborhood. With real neighbors. And daycares. Does anyone else see the irony of the religious community worrying about prostitution in our town from a riverboat? We already have an adult shop…..geez.
Our finest salon (or used to be at least) would charge you around $80 for foiled highlights and a cut…….I quit going because the upkeep was just too expensive……so I cannot even IMAGINE $200 per highlight……………yikes.
Oh, and you COULD find a microwave in our town, in SEVERAL places…Target, Wal-Mart and Kohl’s and Lowes. I’m sure there are more microwave retailers but that’s a quick sampling. OH and you can eat at Ruby Tuesday OR Applebees.
People from surounding communities come to the ‘big’ city to shop too……people from other areas hesitate to allow their kids to drive here…..you know being the big city an all….you never know…they may get lost in the ‘bad’ part of town.
I used to see the former governor in Wal Mart all the time. The attorney general had kids in school with mine. I just chatted with his wife at the grocery store last week.
So, aside from the lack of entertainment, it’s homey, and a nice place to rasie a family–$200 for a haircut……….shudder.
9. Shelly | March 5th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Oh, sorry, I’m back. I just read our newspaper, and forgive me for calling this place an ‘adult’ shop…I appparently don’t know my terminology—it’s a ‘JUICE’ bar…….which is what they call a strip club that doesn’t serve alcohol. My bad.
10. claire | March 5th, 2008 at 6:41 am
But… did you SEE a moose?
I hesitate to think how difficult it would be to buy a GPS (to navigate through the mountains) if you can’t find a MICROWAVE. Jeebus.
11. claire | March 5th, 2008 at 6:49 am
Oh, and judging by your flikr pictures? Your hair? Makes me writhe with jealousy.
Squiggy had some magical moments, didn’t he…
12. Christine | March 5th, 2008 at 7:01 am
Oh how funny about the hair dresser. And that is so cheap! I don’t even color my hair because then I am prone to go crazy and the expense with upkeep…I did it in college when I was insane and apparently had more disposable income probably because I was student loan free then. When I get a “real” job I will return to the land of highlights, right now I struggle to pay my $50 for a hair cut every couple of weeks. *weep*
Also, good luck on the microwave and the “big city” shopping.
Incidentally we have some litigants who probably classify as batshit insane who live off the grid themselves, but mostly because the guy is his own sovereign state. Ya know. He won’t accept mail with a zip code on it because his home is his own damn country. This comes in handy for criminal offenses though since sovereign immunity and all that.
13. Lawyerish | March 5th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Isn’t there some kind of housewares store there? Or at least a hardware store that carries various houseware type items? It is a COLLEGE TOWN. College students LIVE on microwaves. What the…?
We really, really need to see the new hair. {scowling in Adam’s general direction}
14. -R- | March 5th, 2008 at 8:38 am
I’m glad the hair turned out so well! I didn’t realize all the work that went into it, though. That is kind of crazy. But crazy as in surprising, not crazy as in living off the freaking grid! Vermont sounds awesome.
15. Kristin H | March 5th, 2008 at 10:38 am
You know, I kind of dig the idea of living off the grid. We’ll have a well and septic system at our new house we’re building, and from there it’s just a skip and a jump to solar panels and growing your own food. Then if the shit all comes down, we are still doing okay. My own little fiefdom! Dare to dream!
16. suebob | March 5th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Ican see living off the grid in CA where it is 70 degrees but in Vt????
17. Mauigirl52 | March 5th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Off the grid. Scares me. No internet. Couldn’t cope.
Glad you got a great color and cut for such a great price!
The Big City of 38,000 is smaller than my suburban town in New Jersey…
18. TwoBusy | March 5th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Dear Jonniker,
Come back to the forest… we’re waiting for youuuuu…
Love,
The Moose
(evil laughter, fading into the distance…)
19. Amy | March 5th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Congrads on the hair!! Did your stuff ever arrive?
20. jonniker | March 5th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Amy, it did! Today, in fact. I am up to my ass in boxes. Who knew I had this much STUFF?
21. credit repair vermont&hellip | December 13th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
credit repair vermont…
I like the way things are done around here….
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