This Charming Man
March 18th, 2008
I apologize in advance of this post for its lengthiness and abject RANTING MC RANTYPANTS nature — oh, and totally farked punctuation, grammar and … ANYTHING, but Jesus.
Well, THAT was interesting. If by interesting, you mean eye-pokingly awful, then yes, my visit to the gynecologist was interesting! I’m trying to control myself here, but if you’ll allow me a moment of totally freaking out, I would really appreciate it, because what I really feel like doing is screaming something like this:
EW EW EW EW!! GET AWAY!! GROSS!! OH MY GOD!! DO NOT TOUCH ME!! YOUR TEETH!! YOUR CREEPY HANDS!! YOUR EVERYTHING!! OH MY GOD!! GAAAAAAAH YOU ARE HORRIBLE!!! YOU CREEPY AWFUL GYNECOLOGIST!! OH MY GOD!! STUFF YOUR BASAL BODY TEMPERATURE CHART WHERE THE SUN DOES NOT SHINE PLEASE!! I MEAN DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE, AS IN NOT IN FRONT OF ME!!! OH MY GOD!!
There. I feel a little better, don’t you? And you should know that I did scream these things in the car on the way home, and I also stopped for a bottle of wine and it took all the resolve in the world not to bust it open and start drinking at 3 p.m. because again: GAAHHH EW OH MY GOD! (Imagine those written in cartoon letters over my body, like in Batman! POW! VOMIT! FURY!)
So yes, in other words, THINGS DID NOT GO WELL. I don’t even know where to start really, except to say that my Florida gynecologist was about half an inch away from pumping me full of Clomid and progesterone for what is likely a luteal phase defect, but because it was like Groundhog Day every time I talked to him coupled with our impending move, it never materialized. Well, that, and a whole year of finger-pointing between my gynecologist and my endocrinologist in manner of “It’s her thyroid!” “No, it’s not!” “Yes it is!” “No, it’s GYNECOLOGICAL!” “No, it’s her thyroid!” and so on …
Back to the visit: the doctor not only didn’t want to discuss my thyroid OR my menstrual symptoms and within five minutes of our conversation — which was held in his office, with the door open for all to hear — he announced that his solution was to get me started with a basal body temperature chart and that, surprise! Did you know a woman is only fertile at a certain time of the month and that if I want to get pregnant, I should focus on SPECIFIC DAYS OF THE MONTH? BREAKING NEWS.
It is at this time that I stabbed him in the face with his monogrammed letter opener.
A BASAL BODY TEMPERATURE CHART. THAT IS YOUR SOLUTION. Never mind that I *have* charted in the past, and I *have* used one of those goddamn fertility monitors and OH YES, I have USED THE STICKS, TOO. This isn’t my first rodeo, buddy. THIS WHOLE THING CAME ABOUT BECAUSE OF A CHART. THAT I BROUGHT WITH ME. HELLO. HERE IS MY DEFECTIVE, LUTEAL PHASE DEFECT-LADEN CHART. WHICH IS WHY MY LAST DOCTOR WAS ABOUT TO PUT ME ON CLOMID AND PROMETRIUM. BUT YOUR CHART, THAT’S WAY BETTER! THANK YOU!
Oh, and he considers a luteal phase defect to be a “trendy” diagnosis from the 1980s and he doesn’t believe it’s an actual problem and he seemed dubious on anyone having fertility issues ever (“If you’re charting properly, it shouldn’t be a problem!” Ha. HAAA. Infertility: It’s All In Your Head) and I was waiting for the suggestion that I pee under a baobab tree in lieu of actual treatment. And really, a holdover from the ’80s, Mr. BBT? Like a BBT chart is the most modern tool ever to cross his desk? A HOLDOVER FROM THE ’80S.
HOLD THIS, BUDDY.
(Disclaimer: charting is lovely! Really! I have “Taking Charge Your Fertility” too! I AM AWARE OF HOW IT WORKS. BUT IT IS NOT A SOLUTION, ONLY A DIAGNOSTIC TOOL.)
OH OH AND: Do you remember “While You Were Sleeping” with Sandra Bullock when there’s that whole scene where someone is LEANING, and she’s all, how can you lean inappropriately? No? Well, why would you, but anyway, I am here to tell you that leaning can be inappropriate. BECAUSE HE LEANED. He leaned against me inappropriately. HE LEANED. He was SHOWING ME THE BBT (please kill me now) and HE LEANED. AGAINST ME. HIS WHOLE CREEPY BODY LEANED AGAINST ME WHILE I WAS IN MY PAPER ROBE. He did this despite the fact that I was VERY CLEARLY leaning in the opposite direction. AND HE WAS SORT OF LECHY. NO NO, HE WAS TOTALLY LECHY. I know, you’re thinking leaning isn’t that bad! YOU WOULD BE WRONG. LEANING IS VERY BAD AND VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
It is at this point that I contemplated dying, and it is also at this point that I will tell you that I am flat-out ashamed of myself in that I let him proceed with the examination of my ladybits anyway, DESPITE being TOTALLY CREEPED OUT and I sort of hate myself for not standing up and running away and I am an idiot. And I’m also way grossed out and kind of … well. That’s enough of even thinking about that. But if you could see my face right now, it looks like I ate a plate full of unsweetened limes coated in Sour Patch Kids. GLARGHKETUHGH. I’m horrified. I’m just thoroughly horrified beyond all words and I can’t even go into the details because it sounds so VAGUE, but you know how it is: creepiness is always vague, unless someone is forcefully ripping your pants off. (There was no pant-ripping, I assure you. Only vague lechery and BBT charts.)
And the worst part is that he’s one of several OB/GYNs at the local hospital and all I can think of is that I’m going to eventually have a baby and he’s going to be the one on call and the FIRST FACE my child sees upon entering the world will be his and I think we might have to move. Except not really, because thank God, I got a recommendation for another one from a sympathetic nurse and THIS IS WHAT I GET for taking a recommendation for a gynecologist from a dentist, is all I’m saying.
Hey, um, happy Wednesday! MAY IT BE BETTER THAN TUESDAY.
*mumbles angrily about a basal body temperature chart. OH THANKS, BUDDY. A BASAL BODY TEMPERATURE CHART. HOW INNOVATIVE. Oh, he told me that I would need a thermometer. THANKS FOR THE TIP. I DIDN’T KNOW THAT’S HOW YOU TAKE A TEMPERATURE. I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO BAY AT THE MOON.*
**The Smiths, of course. And he was anything but charming.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
41 Comments Add your own
1. Janssen | March 18th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Well, this post embarrassingly made my day because it was just SO SO hilariously awful. The “leaning thing” is bad enough but in a paper robe it sounds almost worse than death.
Good luck finding a better doctor.
2. aly | March 18th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
omg. you poor poor thing. there is absolutely NOTHING worse than being even more uncomfortable while in stirrups. i had the exact opposite problem– i was 26 and not thinking kids and upon asking for my pill refill, my gyno basically screamed (with the door open) “YOU’RE MARRIED! YOU’RE OLD! YOU’LL JUST GET OLDER! EGGS CAN ROT WHEN OLD! HAVE BABIES!” needless to say, he finished the exam and i never went back. (although, with the next doctor i went on the offensive, making inappropriate jokes to make HER uncomfortable– i.e. during the exam : “well, THIS is a nice way to get to know someone! ha! ha??” and she stopped, dead, like “omg, is this patient serious? do i have to talk to her about stds?”),
just accost one of those lovely american eagle ass showing co-eds. they’ll have a normal doctor!
3. Swistle | March 18th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Jonniker. Sit down, honey. We have to talk. You see, as a girl turns into a woman, something Happens to her body. She begins to MEN-STROO-ATE.
OH MY GOD. YOU ARE RIGHT AND HE IS WRONG AND I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE GOING TO SEE SOMEONE ELSE NOW INSTEAD OF MR. ICKY MC DUMBHEAD!!!
4. K | March 18th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
OH so sorry you had such a bad experience! I tried to get a name for you (you mentioned way back that you were looking for one) from my friend in Burlington (she knows lots of peeps around VT). Anyway, I failed miserably for the moment because the person she e-mailed hasn’t e-mailed her back, but I will keep trying….just in case.
).
Eww….yucky.
I loooove my gyn with his quirky British accent. He’s pushing 70, is never inappropriate, and always tells me I have plenty of time (not ready to have a baby yet, but feeling old) and not to fret (which I admit to doing sometimes – only on every 5th Tuesday
Hope the new one is better….
5. Sadie | March 18th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Wow, that is *quite* a gynecological tale of woe, and right now I have an unwavering ‘unsweetened limes coated in Sour Patch Kids’ expression in solidarity. GROSS, dude! Your doc was GROSS!
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I was once examined by a similarly lecherous dermatologist, who, immediately after inspecting a “suspicious” mole on my bare breast, remarked that his son was a trained pianist and would I be interested in dating him? Okay, okay, that is not nearly as bad as being leaned on by an old creep with less medical knowledge than you got from reading the Internet, who then examines your um, uterus, but I was just trying to distract you.
6. Kathryn | March 18th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Oh, Jonna, EWW. I know that having the internet’s fullest sympathy and vicarious disgust on your side won’t make it all better, but if it helps in any way, trust us that you do. Yick. Where do gynecologists get off being creepy? You’d think they’d go out of their way to be as friendly and normal as possible, since it’s such an inherently creepy position.
Ugh.
7. Jeanne B. | March 18th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Eeeeewwwwww! So sorry you got Dr. Lech! I have a good friend in Fairfield. I’ll ask who she sees, because she’s not the type to put up with a lech.
Allow me to add my Dr. Creepy story. New to the area, Needed to establish a relationship with a vet in the area to help with my diabetic cat. Found one literally a block from home. Made the appt. Showed up with said cat. Appt went fine, for the most part. Vet was old, kind of lechy, and had a few issues with personal space (or should I say he didn’t know what it was) but it was only borderline creepy—until he reached up to hand me the paper work and most definitely and deliberately grazed my boob. On the way up AND down.
I was so grossed out we never went back.
8. -R- | March 18th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
This exam didn’t take place in the back of his van, did it? That is what I keep imagining because it just sounds so gross.
I hope the wine makes your day at least a little bit better!
9. Danell | March 18th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
“GLARGHKETUHGH”…that was EXACTLY the sound I was imagining while you were describing that!
And I hope I shouldn’t feel bad about laughing hysterically while reading this…it was totally a sympathetic laugh! May your next visit (to a new doctor) be a comfortable and informative one.
10. Erin | March 18th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Um. Yuck! I am appalled for you! I, however, would have “slipped” when he leaned down and “accidentally” kicked him in the head “whoops! slippery stirrups!” Okay. I wouldn’t have, but I would have thought about it.
My last gyn visit was no fun either. I think that I got somebody fresh out of gynie school who was “getting experience” by floating the local Planned Parenthoods (I no money or insurance). It was akin to somebody trying to stab my cervix with a turkey baster. My hoo-ha pouted for days.
11. Leah | March 18th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
I am swearing loudly and in ALL CAPS in my head right now. Run, don’t walk, away from this dude. Florida isn’t even far enough. He is the definition of ICK. BLEEEEACH!
All the while reading this I was waiting for the part where he tells to you “just relax”–you know, sit back and wait until you feel the gentle brush of angel wings upon your blessed endometrium, signalling that the miracle of implantation has occurred. “Just relax,”they say. “Oh, and don’t forget to have sex.” Uh, really?!
There are very few things I hate more than condescension, and when I imagine having someone say all that crap to me about buying a fracking thermometer…I just can’t even talk about this any more because I’m so steamed on your behalf. Leaving now to go take a few deep breaths.
12. Blythe | March 18th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
ICK! I am so sorry.
(also, ha! baobab tree!)
13. the new girl | March 19th, 2008 at 3:01 am
Ugh.
So sorry that happened to you. DON’T feel guilty/responsible for staying and not speaking up. THAT’S exactly how it happens. You’re sitting there, in a PAPER dress, being very literally LEANED UPON. It’s against human nature to get up and walk out at a time like that.
My friend once sat in a dentist’s chair with her mouth all open while the dentist and his assistant had a RAGING, SCREAMING FIGHT.
Complete with cursing and banging of equipment.
You are certainly not alone.
14. clickmom | March 19th, 2008 at 4:54 am
When I got out of college I went to a new doc for a physical. During the physical he have me a legthy breast exam, complete with him leaning his erect dick into the exam table between my legs while sliding side to side. I tried to focus on his tie to wait it out and I realized that the hidden design in his tie spelled out “fuck you” over and over. I obviously never went back to him but felt guilty for years that I didn’t report him.
15. Shelly | March 19th, 2008 at 5:16 am
Oh, Ugh….I’m so sorry for your HORRIBLE experience. I would have done the same thing though, and stayed for the entire visit wondering WHY IN THE HELL I wasn’t standing up for myself…so I totally get that.
Go with the sympathetic nurse suggestion–they are in the ‘know’ and probably wouldn’t steer you wrong………
Good luck……..I wish you the best.
16. Andrea | March 19th, 2008 at 6:17 am
Thank God for sympathetic nurses. I hope the next appointment you make is far far happier. Well as happy as such an appointment can be, anyway.
This kind of reminds me of the scenes in Knocked Up where Allison drags the one-night-stand-turned-dad-sticking-around guy to a bunch of different doctors searching for the right one and so many of them just rub them both the wrong way on so many levels. Then they end up with the doctor on call that is such a control freak that he doesn’t want to let Allison attempt to have the kind of birth plan she wants, until the boyfriend takes him into the hall and gives him the whatfor. Too bad you didn’t have someone to take Dr. Lech into the hall and tell him NO LEANING, and STOP WITH THE CHART! It’s not rocket science.
I think for OBGYNs, there should be extra classes in med school to teach behavior so that the skeeve factor is minimized BEFORE they get to put the MD behind their names.
17. Christine | March 19th, 2008 at 6:18 am
ACK. I came on today in part to read up on the happenings at Chez Jonniker, but also to let you know that last night I LOVED “Into the Wild.”
And well, now I just want to give you a non-creepy hug and a gin and tonic. OHMYGOD. Gross. I was not pleased with my new gyno, because she didn’t feel me up or do other good gyno things…but this is so not the same.
Boo, creepy doctor. Boo.
18. She Likes Purple | March 19th, 2008 at 6:25 am
I’m FURIOUS for you. I’m seething. RIGHT NOW. Doctors should not be allowed to be creepy — I don’t care WHAT they treat, but especially not gynecologists. Vets shouldn’t even be creepy. MEDICAL EXAMINERS shouldn’t even be creepy.
And leaning? He leaned on you? UGH.
I’m hoping your next doctor is of the kick-ass variety — just like you deserve.
19. H | March 19th, 2008 at 6:33 am
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I had one creepy gyno (he rested his hand on my lady bits while he got his tools and spoke to me — RESTED his hand down there!) and I didn’t say anything either. At that point, I had my legs up in the air and I felt intimidated. Best of luck finding someone else.
20. Suzanne | March 19th, 2008 at 6:59 am
If you’re in Tampa, let me know. I go to a practice that is all female. It wasn’t a deciding factor, but hey, they understood me when I told them I was having menstrual issues!
I want to throttle him for you about the BBT chart. Dude, it is NOT all in her head!
21. jonniker | March 19th, 2008 at 7:01 am
Suzanne — I was in Florida, but I moved to Vermont a few weeks ago. This was my first Vermont gyn experience. And oh HA HA NOT GOOD.
Also, dude, I love that people get that leaning is not appropriate. It sounds so stupid — after all, he only LEANED. BUT GLARGH.
22. Lauren | March 19th, 2008 at 7:43 am
I had an orthodontist who stabilized his arm on my boob while he was twisting and pulling on the wires for my braces. I was 15 and I still haven’t forgotten about it. But you took it to a whole new level and I can tell we’re all furious on your behalf as we sit at our computers across the country/world.
23. Ashley | March 19th, 2008 at 8:03 am
that sounds horrific. like he should be fired and sued and never be allowed to pratice medicine again.
my regular physician, not my OB, is horrendous, though not in the same creepy, leacherous way. she’s just massively incompetent and went to Google how to treat a migraine the last time I was in for a visit. SHE GOOGLED MY SYMPTOMS. And then I had to pay her $15 for doing so.
24. Lori | March 19th, 2008 at 8:08 am
All of this is why I will only go to a female gyno!
Years ago, I thought I might be pregnant and went to a GP for a test. The nurse did a blood test and afterwards the doc told me it was negative, but also added that he’d like to see me again for a full exam. Just the way he spoke those words CREEPED-ME-OUT and there wasn’t even LEANING! I later learned that he’s not liked by anyone on staff and now I always ask a nurse for recommendations, because they KNOW!
25. Jess | March 19th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Oh no, this is horribly unfair and seriously? If I were you I would totally be thinking about a home birth once it gets to that point, not because of any good reason but just because KEEP THAT ASSHAT AWAY FROM ME AND MY BABY. Okay, maybe not a home birth but at least a birthing center. Or a contract with the hospital stating clearly that they will keep that doctor away from you unless it is a life or death situation.
Oh I would be so MAD. SO SO MAD. It must be so frustrating to move and have to start all over on the doctor hunt and the whole background of medical conditions thing. Perhaps I shall never move again, now that I’ve found an endocrinologist I like.
26. Desha | March 19th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Jess- no fair, I was born at home! (really!)
As all expressed above- angry! Yucky! Nurse reccomendations! Mad! Icky!
Now can I say that a babikker (baby + Jonniker) would be sooooo cute and you would definitely be the cool fun parents? And that I will say nary another word about it till given leave, but am rooting for you two to be you three sometime soon! (you know, whenever it happens) . Also I think you would have the rare talent: being a kick-ass blogger, who also happens to have a baby.
27. Kristin H | March 19th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Good Lord. My instinct, when someone tells me a horrifying and awful story like yours, is to try and make them laugh by distracing them. So here goes. And please know, this is no way compares to what you went through. But:
During my last OB appt I had her put in an IUD. It so happened that she had a medical student shadowing her that day, and he was a he. They asked me if it was okay to have him in there, and since I like to think of myself as open-minded, I said sure. He was JUST out of college. I mean, he could have been a frat boy two seconds before he stepped into her office. Imagine the baby-faced kids running around your town, right? So she’s in the middle of the procedure, and by the middle I mean I am in stirrups, fully displayed for the world to see with the speculum inserted and jacked WIDE open. She says, “Oops! I need a blahbadedah that I forgot, it’s in the other room.” and she jauntily left me and Chip McBoy alone, awkwardly trying not to acknowledge the position I was in. Finally I couldn’t stand it. “So!” I said brightly. “Tell me about med school!” He turned several shades of red. It was, bar none, the longest five minutes (five minutes! Apparently the room was in another building!) of my life.
Sorry for hijacking your comments section. : )
28. jonniker | March 19th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Kristin, I totally laughed out loud at your comment.
“So … tell me about med school!” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
But honestly, I’m cringing, because I HATE the wide-open speculum. It HURTS. How did you sit there with it wide open for that long? OMFG.
Also, Swistle, been dying to tell you that I’ve been thinking of Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret ALL DAY. MEN-STROO-ATION. HAHAHAHAHA.
29. Shelly | March 19th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Hi! Delurking to say that I’m deliriously happy to know that I’m not the only one too cowardly to get up and leave an awful doctor/ dentist appointment. I once had a wisdom tooth removed while I laid there and cried and thought “But I really don’t want this done!” So I totally feel you on the staying and letting him examine you even though he was awful and you wanted to kick yourself afterwards for not getting up and leaving.
Good luck on finding a better gyno soon!
30. TwoBusy | March 19th, 2008 at 11:45 am
(still cringing)
31. Carol | March 19th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I am so sorry this happened to you. Why can’t things like this be simpler? Can’t someone invent a better way to examine our girl bits that didn’t involve men OR leaning?
32. Amy | March 19th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
This is one of those times when I would go home and get drunk. Hey, It’s 5:00 somewhere right. I cannot imagine anything worse than a weird creepy OB doctor. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
33. Amy K | March 19th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Yikes, I’m sorry for your terrible experience! Good luck on the hunt for a new doctor. I made up my mind a while ago that I was sticking with female gynecologists from now on – not because I’m a prude or think all males in the field are lechy, but simply because it seems like other women understand a little more clearly when I’m describing symptoms or issues that men don’t have to deal with.
34. Angella | March 19th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Oh, dear.
Can I buy you a cocktail? In SF in July?
Because you deserve one.
Unless you are with child then, of course. Then I will buy you chocolate.
35. Mauigirl52 | March 25th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Just catching up with your posts and am SO sorry you got Mr. Creepy Gynecologist. I hope the other one you go to will be 100% better!
I know what you mean about creepy. Many moons ago when I first started working at the Big Corporation I work at, they made new hires go to the local doctor for an exam before being hired. He was right across the street. He was creepy – sounded like this guy. He did the breast exam with me sitting up so it was more like being felt up. It was creepy. I thought maybe it was me but other women I talked to felt the same way! And this guy wasn’t even a gynecologist. I’m not even sure a breast exam was required by the Big Corporation, come to think of it!
36. Jonniker. » Which W&hellip | March 26th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
[...] above and beyond Mr. BBT, I had an intro phone conversation with a prospective primary care doc today and she seemed [...]
37. Jonniker. » Untold &hellip | April 17th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
[...] I asked her for a recommendation for a gynecologist and ended up telling her of my experience at Dr. Leans-A-Lot. And something in her reaction made me think that I wasn’t the first to complain about him, [...]
38. Jhianna | August 5th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Okay, I’m really late, but I’m trying to catch up after going into turtle mode. OMIGOD! The lean and the paper robe and every time I think about it, the hands they just start flapping and the horror is just too much! AAAAAAh
39. Jonniker. » Hand in&hellip | October 6th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
[...] I mention I’m giving birth like an hour and a half from here? Oh HA HA, yes I am, thanks to Dr. Gropes-A-Lot, who, I have learned, has a TOWN-WIDE reputation for being a total creeplor with a penchant for [...]
40. Jonniker. » The Per&hellip | January 28th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
[...] big hospital here vs. the small one where I am almost certain to pass my infant into the hands of Dr. Leans A Lot, I am now wishing they had intrathecals as an option vs. the epidural, because my birthing teacher [...]
41. MaudeStrickland | April 14th, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Specialists claim that mortgage loans help a lot of people to live their own way, just because they can feel free to buy necessary goods. Moreover, some banks give small business loan for young and old people.
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