Borrowed Time

I’m grateful that other people are as horrified as I am about a person leaning inappropriately. You know, it seemed so ridiculous, and I just envisioned being in a court of law, a la Hand That Rocks The Cradle and trying to explain that yes, a person can LEAN in a LECHEROUS MANNER and having people laugh at me for insinuating that leaning can be anything but accidental.

“But .. but I was in a PAPER ROBE!”

“Yes, but come on, he was only LEANING.”

See? It sounds ridiculous. And then the doctor’s wife would steal my baby and all the world would go to hell in a handbasket. Except that you KNOW Peyton Flanders’ husband didn’t kill himself over a misdirected LEAN.

Anyway, enough of that, really, because SURPRISE! What a great day to have one’s husband’s coworkers read your site! Lecherous gynecologist day! Never let it be said that I do not have spectacular timing.

That reminds me of a recent situation where a former coworker, upon my departure from my last job, felt free to share his personal blog with me — basically on my last day, so that he knew I would be safe and wouldn’t tell anyone. When I read it, I was genuinely shocked to see that none of it was really true and some of the stuff he talked about — pretending it was happening to someone else — were things that HE did. He talked about a coworker’s annoying habits, but in actuality, was talking about himself. Oh God, this is all sounding very meta and frustrating, but the point is, I was so disillusioned and surprised because none of it was him — either that, or the person I knew at work was a lie — and while I am always a little irrationally spooked when someone from my in-person life reads this site, I am not ever in fear that they are going to read something that isn’t true or isn’t me. I’m pretty WYSIWYG that way, for better or worse. They may know more about my menstruation than any human being needs to, but at least they won’t be surprised.

(Or, as Swistle reminded me, “men-STROO-ation” and I love her, because dude, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. Or was it Deenie? No no, totally Margaret. Deenie was the one with the scoliosis, right? OH DEENIE. I LOVED YOU. I also don’t remember you being about masturbation, but it seems my memory is off, given the vast amount of banning you seem to have gone through.)

Anyway, I was honestly about to launch into the spectacularly slow Sunday we had, wherein I turned on a mysteriously TiVo’d copy of the Adult Film Awards and laughed hysterically at people who were totally taking awards like “Best Anal Scene” SO SERIOUSLY but … honestly, the whole thing was too much. People were UPSET when they didn’t win an award for the most absurd things, and I wish you were all with me to see it. The adult film industry is full of such unintentional hilarity, I can’t help myself. I mean, they have awards for BEST ACTOR. BEST ACTOR. IN A PORN MOVIE. I’m not the world’s most avid fan of porn myself (I’ll bet they all say that), but really, if I had to make an educated guess, I’d say that pornography is not really the place where people go to showcase their acting skills in the traditional sense.

It’s also worth noting that Jenna Jameson made this big, embarrassing announcement where she refuted something US Weekly said (really, Jenna? WHO DOES THAT? It’s not like it’s PEOPLE, even! It’s US WEEKLY. A RAG.) and announced that she would “never spread her legs in the industry again.” This naturally prompted an entire legion of actresses to proclaim, each and every time they got up on stage, that they would GLEEFULLY be spreading their legs in the industry repeatedly. Every chance they got, in fact. And oh dear, I’m afraid this isn’t translating well, but honestly, they were like CARTOON CHARACTERS. And it underscored to me that despite the fact that I have never had any interest in participating the adult film industry, the people were so absurd that even if they were a group of brilliant writers to which I aspired membership, there is no way I could be in the presence of such vapidity without wanting to beat someone over the head with the nearest manhole cover. And wow, wasn’t that a bad parallel?

I’ll say it again: People were genuinely outraged that they didn’t win for their stellar work in an anal sex scene. I mean, I’ll give them credit in that it’s no doubt work, and who doesn’t want to be the best at what they do? But really. REALLY. THEY WERE PISSED. (Or perhaps pooped would be more appropriate? HA. I kill me. And also gross myself out.)

Which brings me entirely incongruously to Flies, Lord of: our otherwise perfect house has a housefly problem. They’re EVERYWHERE, and I think what’s upsetting me most is that they’re clearly breeding somewhere. There are HOUSEFLY EGG NESTS somewhere, and I can’t find them, and worse, we just moved here, the place is spotless and there isn’t any food anywhere for them to eat. So tell me: WHERE ARE THE FLIES COMING FROM? I must kill eight or nine of them a day, and if you think “PAH! Eight or nine is NOTHING!” try living with the perpetual sound of buzzing in your ears and see how long it takes before you start wildly stalking anything that moves with one of the thousands of copies of US Weekly lying about (what?). And I haven’t even talked about the giant wasps, of which we have brutally murdered three. Did I mention it’s very clearly winter out there? And it’s VERY CLEARLY NOT WASP SEASON?

(They’re totally breeding here, aren’t they? WHEEEERRRRE?)

And with that, I hope you all have a great Thursday. I’m heading to my first yoga class tomorrow, and like Lawyerish, am living in mortal terror of either a) having some bodily function go horribly wrong; or b) being “Ohm”ed to death. Of course there is always the possibility of c) I totally love it and decide that wearing hemp clothing is the only way to be.

*A Fine Frenzy who, by the way, I have changed my opinion of, and actually like more than I used to, and can I tell you how much it bothers me that I changed my mind? I got into this raging pisser of a fight with an Amazon reviewer (because I think, for some reason, that I can totally win at Internet) who didn’t like my critical review.

13 comments March 19th, 2008