Iceblink Luck
March 23rd, 2008
Sometimes a magical miracle comes along that pushes an already sweet life right into overdrive and this weekend, that miracle was the discovery that Damn Good Beef Jerky is readily available right here in Vermont. Previously only available via expensive online orders I can now get it anywhere! In stores! In gas stations! Everywhere! The WORLD HEADQUARTERS is only two hours from here, and I’m tempted to show up to demand a tour and a lifetime supply of teriyaki flavor. I know I’ve talked about this before, but if you’re a fan of beef jerky, this is the Cadillac of beef jerkies, if you will. Side effects include Stay Puf-like bloating and puffiness from vastly increased salt intake, but let me be the first to tell you that it’s totally worth it. I can’t button my pants right now, but I’m quite satisfied.
Anyway, how are you? How was your Easter? We completely ignored/forgot that it was a holiday until we attempted to go to the grocery store and were DENIED because everyone else was at home eating a pineapple-glazed ham and searching for eggs. Ultimately, we ended up doing our best to make the newly resurrected Jesus proud with some leftover pizza and beer. Festive!
And if you were wondering, as I was, the Miller “Chill” chelada-style beer is foul. Always the marketer’s wet dream, I had fantasies of a salty-sweet beer experience — like a Corona rimmed with salt and lime mixed with a margarita. It is not, as they promised, muy refreshing, and in fact, is muy disgusting, but I’m not sure what I expected from a Miller Light product, really. Do you have something you’d like to market to me? Because believe me, I’m dumb enough to buy it if the pitch is good enough. (See also: Sweet Simplicity at-home sugar waxing kit, purchased via an infomercial)
I don’t know why I feel like I have to explain this, but I got a little bit of (polite, mostly e-mailed) shit yesterday about me perpetuating Vermont stereotypes and while I get what some of you are saying — I do — I take a few more liberties than I should, perhaps, because I like it here and in a weird way, these are my people. New England is my home in all of its oddities, from the terrifying wilds of rural New Hampshire to the posh Back Bay to the granolati of Vermont, and I am so grateful to be back here — ergo, it kind of feels like making fun of my family. My default behavior trends towards the uber-liberal, and it’s refreshing to at last poke a little fun at a place that incorporates the most extreme characteristics of myself, rather than the enduring endless days in a land where I saw glimpses of my personal sensibilities in almost no one.
I did my best to lay off the mocking of Florida (but often failed) because it felt unusually cruel, for it was far too ill-intended — I really hated living there, and to cope, I took on an obnoxious tone of superiority to console myself from the near-constant feeling that I was an outsider. I’m not going to deny that there were times when that edge was perhaps warranted, such as the afternoon a man sporting a swastika tattoo and a rifle — along with his his camo bikini-clad girlfriend — popped out between two houses on a Confederate flag-emblazoned ATV announcing, “Well, darlin’, we done found ourselves in a new location!” But that had more to do with the antics of one moron and not a generalization of an entire state — as much as I wanted to play the “it’s not me, it’s YOU” card with the Sunshine State, the truth was, it was me. Most of the time, our differences could merely be chalked up to the fact that my part of Florida just wasn’t my cup of tea, and it was no one’s fault.
I’m just saying that because I’m sure I’ll do it again. So I guess, in summary: lay off with your nicely judgy comments on my judginess. For I shall judge again with affection!
Moving on. I’ve mentioned that I have aversions to certain words that include, but are not limited to: wetness, panties, napkins and nipples. In fact, I believe I’ve already proposed an alternative word for nipples that I’d like to reintroduce for those who may have missed it the first time: fleenies. Fleenies! So much more pleasant. Use it today!
This brings me to the latest word that’s disturbing me so much that it’s actually grossing me out and I can’t get it out of my head: nub. NUB. What the hell? Doesn’t that imply some sort of bloody stump, like a lopped off TOE? NUB. GOD.
BLOODY NUB. God, once again, it reminds me of “Boxing Helena” — a movie I saw once, in a moment of really bad judgment, and has been haunting me ever since.
And with that, I’ll leave you with an image from the road right near our house after a recent ice storm. Pretty, right? I had no idea how beautiful it was here year-round.
Happy Monday!
*Cocteau Twins
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Jenk | March 23rd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
The Chill beer is the worst thing to happen to beer. Ever.
They fooled me with their clever marketing too. I was hoping for the beerish version of the Tostitos Lime tortilla chips. *Sniff*
So very wrong.
2. Nothing But Bonfires | March 23rd, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Oh, nub is awful. But not nearly so awful as WAD.
3. Angella | March 23rd, 2008 at 9:11 pm
I have two words for you, of the “I hate them” variety:
Moist
Insert
That is all.
4. TwoBusy | March 24th, 2008 at 5:00 am
“Granolati.”
(stands and applauds)
5. Shelly | March 24th, 2008 at 5:53 am
Chill beer, according to my husband, is terrible. I don’t drink beer…I prefer hard liquor…..
Aversion to words? Me too! Vagina. It pains me to spell it out in public. When needing to express something regarding the ‘v’ word, I generally make fluttering hand movements and discuss issues ‘down there’ or ‘in that area’…….I think it’s due to my mother making me use ‘proper’ terms for body parts and sounds when all my friends used slang……I couldn’t say ‘fart’….I had to refer to it as ‘expelling gas’…..
When I was 8 she bought me a ‘kit’ for the ‘womanly’ changes my body would go through. Once a month or so she’d get the ‘kit’ down and we’d have to go over the contents…..OMG……I just wanted to wear jeans–not polyester pands w/ a seam down the front and hang out with my friends…….not discuss pads and belts (yes, I’m that old)……..
6. claire | March 24th, 2008 at 6:04 am
I see your “nub”… and i raise you a “bin”: “Nubbin”. It’s maybe smaller and cuter than a nub. You decide.
7. Andrea | March 24th, 2008 at 6:28 am
I was thinking nubbin, too, if only because I always associate that word with a third fleeny, which yes, I agree is so much easier and more fun to say than nipple.
Also, I have to ask you, have you ever tried Pat’s Beef Jerky? It’s expensive, $20 a pound, and they have a website http://www.patsbeefjerky.com that you can order online. I grew up a couple hours west of the town the store is located in, in the heart of Kansas beef country (what the hell is the matter with me? KS beef country?) and honestly it’s the best beef jerky I’ve ever had, bar none. How could one not like the product of a man who says this: “Remember what Pat always says, ‘You may be able to beat our prices, but you can’t beat our meat.’”
They don’t have a lot to do in that part of Kansas. But the beef jerky is the best ever. Though they don’t have your teriyaki flavor. Just regular, peppered, and hot.
8. She Likes Purple | March 24th, 2008 at 6:31 am
I feel similarly to all the things people say to me about Texas. It’s a really wonderful state in a lot of ways and although I’m sure the stereotypes are warranted of some people (just as they are everywhere), I met my husband and my maid-of-honor here. It’s got a lot going for it. But it doesn’t have a view like that above.
In other news, I think we’re pretty sold on Boston for our anniversary trip. And I can’t wait.
9. jonniker | March 24th, 2008 at 6:38 am
HAHAHAHA. Insert doesn’t faze me at all, Angella. INSERT? I think it’s because I worked in newspaper that I think of it as a shopping insert.
And moist. Well. I’ve talked about moist — I know it ooks people out, but it makes me think of Duncan Hines. I think CAKE, while others think ookiness.
Wad, however, is totally disgusting, and now that Holly pointed it out, it’s all I can think about. WAD. WAAAAAADDDD.
Also, Andrea, I’ve never tried Pat’s, but now I will!
And Jennie: Boston! HOORAY! Let me know where you are going to stay.
10. She Likes Purple | March 24th, 2008 at 8:15 am
We haven’t picked a place yet — we were torn between Chicago and Boston and just made the decision. If you have any suggestions, I’m all ears!
11. Jill | March 24th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Firstly, hello! I stumbled over from reading comments on Sundry, and what do I find?
1) disparaging comments about Florida. Oh, Florida. My husband really really wants us to move there and I really really would…rather not. Ahem. However, this is a man who refused to buy me beef jerky last weekend, so mabye there is some correlation there?
2) In high school my friends and I made up a “Forbidden Word List” that contains many of the horrifying words mentioned here. To this day, lo these many years later, I still cannot bring myself to call them anything but underwear.
3) What is this “Chill” beer of which you speak? I’ve never heard of it, and I certainly will not be trying it after your description!
Anyway, just thought I would stop by and say hello, and now continue reading some of your older posts.
Carry on!
12. Leah | March 24th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Just last night over dinner, we were discussing the perfect storm of words that is the phrase “moist panties.” My pal Emily hates those words so much that her sister mixed a nice pink cocktail and named it Moist Panties in her honor. Ew.
That conversation also involved the word “stump,” as in “The four-legged cat likes to gnaw on the three-legged cat’s stump.” Also ew. You really shoud have been there.
13. ali | March 24th, 2008 at 10:06 am
moist. by far my least favorite word.
14. H | March 24th, 2008 at 10:09 am
I really don’t think that Miller crap is beer. I think it is Zima With Crappy Fake Lime Flavor. Are you old enough to remember Zima? Or do they still sell it? (Somehow, I’m afraid that sounds like an insult and I by no means intend it to be. I honestly can’t remember when Zima hit the shelves but I know my kids were very young, and now they are 16 and 19 so I am OLD.)
Also, although I don’t live anywhere near Vermont so maybe that’s why, but I never thought you were being mean in your statements about Vermont. I get that you mock with affection and that’s how I took your statements.
15. jonniker | March 24th, 2008 at 11:11 am
H: Oh dude, I totally remember Zima. And I’m almost never insulted, so please, do not fear. And … I think they still sell it. Don’t they? I don’t know! And worse, now they have those things that are basically JUST LIKE Zima, but under new branding — those Bacardi Silver things and whatnot. Although I have to tell you, I’ve had the watermelon flavor and it is truly spectacular. Edited to add: You know what pissed me off most about the chelada? THERE WAS NO LIME. I tasted no lime! Just crappy beer!
At any rate, one very polite commenter said something on my post but she wasn’t the first. And then after she commented, the floodgates opened and I got several more e-mails warning me that I was being “judgy” which is something Vermonters never do.
Never MIND that they, too, were making broad, sweeping generalizations about the kindness of Vermonters and being JUDGY themselves about my judginess. Just now, I was nearly run over in the parking lot by a Vermonter who wasn’t being at all kind or helpful. Rather, they were being PLOWY.
Also, Jill, I’ll … I’ll email you about Florida. My default answer whenever anyone asks is usually, “OH MY GOD. NO. DO NOT. DO NOT GO THERE.” But your mileage may vary. Plenty of other people’s does.
16. Catherine | March 24th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I’ve been in FL 25 years, and whenever anyone asks, I tell them to visit for the months of August and September and then see if it still looks like a freaking paradise. Oh, and check out the salaries in their chosen field of employment, too. And the crime rate in their dream neighborhood, and the ranking of the schools, and by then they have changed their minds.
17. Style Bard | March 24th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
What a beautiful picture, it looks like a movie set. Is that an odd compliment?
I spent most of my life in FL, and I never want to live there again, and yet I still feel the impulse to list good things about it when I run into the very ubiquitous hater. I think, upon reflection, it’s one of those things where if I get other people to do it than I’m not the only loser? Maybe? When I AM in FL I want everyone and their mother to come live there or visit so I’m not alone. FLORIDA IS GREAT, I’LL HANG OUT WITH YOU, COME VISIT PLEEEASE?
Sigh, and yet I might have to move back in Sept. Let’s cross our fingers that I don’t.
18. Mauigirl52 | March 25th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I like your substitute word of “fleeny.” It’s really funny, I had a good friend who used to work with me who had the same phobia about using the word “nipple.” She used to call them “Niz.” (plural). I think she’d like fleenies too.
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