View from a Blind Eye
March 25th, 2008
Wow, who knew such passion could be elicited by the discussion of laundering undergarments? I have to admit, I have a few lingering questions, not the least of which is, how can you justify the extra loads? (Heh, LOAD. You know how some words come out as dirty, even though they aren’t? Sadie did it again: LOAD. See also: CHUNK). I did a quick scan of my underwear and realized underwear is SMALL, dude. I … I don’t even know if I own a full load’s worth of underwear, and that includes Adam’s. I realize we’re only two people, but still … if I held out until we had enough for separate loads, it would be all period underwear, all the time.
Also, I’d like to say that while I do care about the fact that there might be — how did H put it? — POOP MOLECULES on my Threadless T’s, I find that theory discomforting no matter what the situation. I mean, I don’t want to be spreading more poop molecules onto my most delicate bits and by putting them all in one load, aren’t you CONCENTRATING the poop molecules? Better to spread them around, I say.
Incidentally, my favorite quote from all of you is from Katie, who said, “I don’t exactly think you’re gross for combining, but it’s kind of un-kosher.” Kosher! It’s so funny! It’s just I imagined the underwear salted and brined, like gefilte fish. Oh … forget it, it’s not that funny! Except it is to me! UN-KOSHER!
Also, those who offered to e-mail recipes? I love you. And yes, please. jonniker at gmail dot com OR jonna at jonniker dot com. And my, what a lovely blouse you’re wearing!
Aaand, let’s abruptly shift gears, if you don’t mind (though really, y’all are more than welcome to natter on about washing underwear because I am strangely riveted). I have ruined my dog. I treat her well — I do! — and therein lies the problem. She’s … she’s spoiled, and spends the majority of the day at my feet, usually walking between them so that I am afraid I’m going to snap her head off like a dandelion. And when she’s not with me, she’s clearly devastated by my absence and it breaks my heart. She just WAILS until she’s sitting next to me, and if she’s not touching me in some way, it’s obvious that her world is crashing down in some deep, crushing way. And worse? Her favorite thing in the world is to be carried like an infant and I know I’ve fucked this up, I KNOW. I coddled her for her entire life and now I’m paying the price I KNOW. But honestly, right now, she’s asleep on my leg. I can’t help it, and apparently I deserve whatever shit I have coming my way. Cesar Milan would not approve and would likely have me committed.
And finally, nothing says snorefest like a rant about the economy, but seriously, folks, say it with me now: We’re in a recession, no matter what the definition is. Emotionally speaking, anyway, for Jesus, could there be more doom and gloom and talk of penny-pinching? I’ve read no fewer than five articles full of economic armageddon, and though it mercifully has a rock-bottom feel to it, it frustrates the living hell out of me. Mostly because, as we all know, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more we talk about it, the worse it gets and consumers tighten their belts and wallets until they’re CONSTRICTED. TO DEATH. And those who haven’t choked to death are eating Spaghetti-O’s out of a can to save a few bucks. At this rate, we’ll all be in line at the sausage factory waiting to see if they have any job openings for people who can squeeze mashed pork into pig’s assholes. I’m so sick of it.
And I’m tired — OH SO TIRED — of the stock market being used as an indicator for the economy’s health. It’s meaningless to the Average Joe, and further, there is not nearly as much of a trickle-down effect as the rich white men of the world would like us to believe, and have I ever told you that I wish I’d gone to school to become an economist?
Well, I do. It interests me tremendously, and always has, though most recently as an avid media whore and a person who unfortunately owns a house in one of the worst real estate markets in the country. (I’ll say it again: a normal house with a normal mortgage that I could afford that I did not overpay for. And I LIVED IN THE HOUSE.) (YAY!) (Am now renting it, if you were wondering.)
Also, dude, economist is one job that is recession proof, no? They live for this shit, man.
And might I once again throw out a hearty “fuck you” to subprime lenders and the asshats who built their investments around them in any way possible? Sit and spin, douchebags! I’ll give you something to invest in, like this giant steaming bag of fresh dog poop. The ROI will likely be greater than the pile of shit you’ve found yourself in, and thanks to you, I am also swimming in that pile of shit.
And lastly, I have to get this out so that someone can tell me it’s meaningless. About six months ago, I had this dream that some creature was trying to eat me — the creature was invisible, and it came sweeping up this giant hill into my house, which was mysteriously in the country. It was like that weird Lost thing that ate Eko, if you will. And though I woke up before it happened, it was understood that I was EATEN by this invisible force.
And blah blah, dreams, no one cares, but the point is that the giant hill the creature loped up to assist me with my eventual demise looked startlingly like the one that is now my backyard, and it freaks me out EVERY DAY. Or more specifically, like right now, when we’re experiencing winds up to 35 MPH and it sounds like I’m about to be devoured inside. So tell me: should I stay awake nights, waiting to be snacked on like a crudite platter, or should I just chalk it up to coincidence?
Happy … is it Wednesday? I’ve lost track, apparently.
*Emily Wells
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
23 Comments Add your own
1. Jeanne B. | March 25th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Economy: yes, I agree! The more people complain, the worse it will get! I’m studying the Law of Attraction and that’s what it says. Complaining and worrying is negative thought energy, and what we put out returns to us, so OF COURSE the economy is in a freefall. Everyone has been expecting it and fearing it and generating all this energy… oh, I could just start ripping out eyeballs (not mine) over it. Think POSITIVE, people! Then we might have a chance in heck of getting out of this nightmare.
Speaking of nightmares… your dream is very interesting. You were eaten by the creature from the country. You know, maybe it’s not a bad creature. Being consumed by the country lifestyle ain’t all bad, y’know. Not much of an interpretation, but, as for the freak outs, refer to my above paragraph and your comments about self-fulfilling prophecies…
2. Camels & Chocolate | March 25th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
What I would like to know is how you muster up the energy, stamina, wit to blog nearly every day?! Much to the delight of all of your readers, I’m sure.
3. Marin | March 26th, 2008 at 5:12 am
I second Camels & Chocolate…loving the daily updates! I say that your subconscious was predicting the backyard, because it knew how much you hated Florida, and now you shouldn’t be creeped out but rather elated because you’re out of the Sunshine State. And obviously your new house is the epitome of all your dreams. Um, that explanation sucked. But I tried.
4. Gregg | March 26th, 2008 at 5:16 am
Wow. So much going on here worthy of comments!
I’m skipping the whole underwear thing, because it is now well-known that poop is everywhere. Either freak out or get over it is what I say. As far as laundry goes? MATCH COLORS. Forget about the poop.
Economy: right on! We weren’t “in a recession” until a bunch of people started whining about the recession we were heading into.
The stock market: Yeah, I invest. But, that doesn’t mean it really makes a bunch of sense. Naturally, there are dozens of financial items that can be analyzed about a company. The problem is, those things are in the past. The stock price is really determined by one thing:
The price an average investor is willing to pay for a stock is anything less than what this average investor thinks that the average investor (I guess, not including themselves at this point) thinks the stock will be worth in the future.
So, you can tell the market is not sane.
Your dream:
It seems obvious to me that you were not consumed by the invisible country monster. You merged with it. You probably have a new super-power or something. I’ve seen this in video games. Hopefully it is something useful to you and not like an ability to plant corn faster than normal humans…or average investors.
5. Sadie | March 26th, 2008 at 5:27 am
Heh – I came back to read the rest of the comments on yesterday’s post and when Swistle posted the phrase “whole hot bleach load,” I retched and then laughed at myself. Am twelve.
Re: spoiled dogs – I have one too and while I convince myself that I won’t make the same mistakes when I am a mother, who am I kidding? If I let my dog sleep on the couch with a blanket and eat all my potato chips simply because he’s cute and he looked at me, WTF is going to happen when I have a child who is not only cute, but can also use words and reason to manipulate me??
6. Shelly | March 26th, 2008 at 6:10 am
In my house a few days makes a load of ‘whites’ for us…..I have teenage boys…..and they are in sports…..but they do their own laundry, so apparently my hubby and I are just giant laundry makers or something…..
For me it’s not so much the poop molecules (although, thank you to whomever said that, since it gives me something ELSE to obsess about). I suppose many of you are young, hip, skinny and have normal or underactive glandular systems….me? I’m overweight…..and I’m 42………can we say MOIST? Nuff said.
As far as the dog? No advice here? My dogs and kids walk all over me and the boys manipulate me like silly putty. Can I use the overweight, 42 and pre-menopausal excuse again?
7. Val | March 26th, 2008 at 6:37 am
We live in the land of spoiled dogs too. Or spoiled dog. Ours is terribly indulged. In fact, she was mine before my husband and I got together, and he was appalled at the overindulgence. Some things have changed since she’s now become his dog too, but ultimately she still must be near me at all times, is a bit of a freak if I’m not within her line of vision, whines when we don’t feel like letting her on the couch, etc. And I carry her around like a baby too. I can’t help it. She likes it, I like it. I know. Terrible.
As for the economy, I am sooooo tired of hearing about it, reading about it, etc. As you already mentioned, could we please stop sending people into panic mode? That is not helping anything! Although this past weekend, we went to Target (jealous? I know you don’t have one anymore) and the parking lot was packed! As was Costco and the nearby mall. I took one look and said, yep, economy look fine to me. Next issue please!
8. H | March 26th, 2008 at 6:41 am
OH, I hear you on the economy. Every single time I hear or read about the psychology of recession, I get so irritated. Sometimes “they” flat out talk about how talking about it makes it worse, and we’ll talk about this more tomorrow! AHHHHH!
I can’t help you with the dream. I wish I knew how to interpret dreams, if they can be interpreted at all. I recently had a dream in which I gave birth to 6 black and white kittens and then was too embarrassed to see a doctor because — well, how did they get there? I didn’t know.
9. claire | March 26th, 2008 at 7:45 am
I started leaving a comment yesterday about underwear and then things started happening around here and i didn’t get a chance to finish. I don’t separate anything. I am a lazy launderer and nothing gets damaged or anything so in it all goes. Poop molecules? WHATEVER. I live with 2 disgusting dogs. There are poop molecules on everything.
10. Jen | March 26th, 2008 at 9:26 am
I don’t think we can ever get a dog because I know for a fact that I would feed it full of treats like hot dogs and peanut butter all day long, and then my husband and I would be subjected to the vicious gas that would result. I know this from experience after dog-sitting for my sister’s two enormous English Mastiffs one week. Our house practically had to be fumigated, but I was still happy as all heck to fill a kong full of pb for those pups.
11. Pickles & Dimes | March 26th, 2008 at 9:49 am
I’m late to the laundry party, but I just wash my unmentionables with other like colors and dry them. I now fear I have been doing something Unspeakably Wrong the whole time and this worries me.
Yesterday on the local news, they had a piece about the Humane Society and how adoptions were down and the percentage of abandoned pets was up due to the recession.
I wouldn’t worry too much about your dream, although I dreamt last night that my car’s brake line was cut and I crashed into my neighbor’s house. It definitely gave me pause as I got into my car this morning.
12. Shana | March 26th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Indeed, re: poop molecules. They be everywhere. Honestly? Here’s the deal with fecal bacteria: we’re exposed to them constantly. They are normal. We can deal with them. It is only when we get a massive dose or exposure to a particularly nasty strain (E. coli 0157:H7) that problems arise. But if you’ve been exposed to either of those, you’ll know long before you do laundry.
Also, soap and water act as a mechanical disinfectant, and soap also as a chemical disinfectant, affecting the bacterial structure and causing them to die, die, die.
So those washing their skivvies separately may feel better, but aren’t actually doing any good. For evidence, see: those of us who wash all our clothes together and have never had a problem.
Economy? In the toilet because we overspend, and every now and then we need something like this to reset things, sort of. Also, in the toilet because everybody’s wigging, and people need SOMETHING to obsess about. Also, I’m sort of not too sorry about the situation (with many apologies to you, Jonna, and others with real estate suckitude), because we buy too much shit and use too much gas and eat too much crap and we need to cut back on all that anyway.
(I love the economy talk! By all means, hold forth. You are what’s keeping me from vacuuming, and I thank you.)
13. jonniker | March 26th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Shana, this is dorky as all get out, because ours is a somewhat bold opinion, but re: the economy, I do agree with you. It’s how it’s set up, in a way, and Greenspan has very plainly said so on multiple occasions following his retirement — we go through ups and downs, and so much of it is manufactured to keep it all balanced, yes. Incidentally, I love Alan Greenspan, and one of the greatest displays of television journalism was Jon Stewart’s interview of him. I LOVED it.
At any rate, I also agree about the consumption and overspending and whatnot and nothing, and I mean NOTHING, will make you realize that like living in Vermont, especially coming from Florida. In Naples, the entire economy/universe is built around overspending and mass consumption, whereas in Vermont, it’s all about conserving. It’s a fascinating experience, really. I’m glad I had the two so close together so that they are so obviously juxtaposed.
For the record: Vermont kicks Florida’s ass, if it isn’t obvious.
14. Erin | March 26th, 2008 at 11:10 am
I don’t know a lot about the economy so I won’t pretend I do, but whenever people talk about how we are in a recession and oh my god the horror of a recession I flash back to 2001 when all sorts of otherwise smart people were telling us that we could “beat the terrorists” by shopping and going out to dinner.
I am not very good at dream analysis, but maybe the thing that was going to eat you was not all bad and was more of the change that was about to come? That it was going to eat the you that you were in Florida so that you could become the you that you will be in Vermont? I don’t know, but I wanted to work the hill in somehow
15. jonniker | March 26th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Erin, I’m cracking up because YES, the post 9/11 rhetoric.
“Beat the terrorists! Buy a TV! Take a vacation!”
16. Andrea | March 26th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I’m afraid of spoiling my dogs to that point, though with the new puppy, man I want to. However, I even so much as snuggle with her for a couple minutes I feel like I need to snuggle the other dog, and then snuggle the kids, each separately, and it turns into about two hours of idle snuggling and I get nothing done. But man, I wish I could just lather attention on all of them.
This having a job thing really gets in the way of how I want to spend my time, ya know?
17. H | March 26th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Thank you so much, Jonniker, for raising the laundry issue and thank you to your internet friends for responding — because now I can rest easy and wash all my clothes like I used to. I guess l was afraid I was the disgusting idiot who walked around covered in poop molecules because I didn’t know any better.
18. Leah | March 26th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Memo
Re: poop molecules
Dear Jonna,
Are you telling me that your readers are pooping in their underwear on a regular enough basis that it requires separate laundry loads? I am shocked.
Yours,
Leah
19. Emily | March 26th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Last night I had a dream that I went to the dentist, except the dentist operated out of my parents’ bedroom and when I got there, he was NAKED and also very much WITHOUT A WANG.
Make of that what you will.
20. claire | March 26th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Thank you, Leah! I was thinking that, too. HA!
21. Danell | March 26th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I can’t stop laughing at the last two days comments long enough to comment.
22. Maggy | March 26th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I had a dream that I was going to be arrested because I was in labor and wouldn’t go to the hospital. The police kept threatening to break down my door and endanger my neighbors and their officers. I told them I was not doing anything illegal and I was in the shower, for goodness’ sake. Leave me alone! In the dream, I had the baby at home with no problems. In real life, I would wait until the last minute and then go to the hospital, which is what I did the first time.
For the record, I am not pregnant. Discuss.
23. Gentry | March 29th, 2008 at 6:28 am
It’s a pug thing.
Napoléon has to be touching me at all times too. (He’s draped on my lap right now…after circling a few times to find a comfy angle, and then grumbling at me because apparently there is not enough room/thigh fat to make him comfy).
And when we walk he runs quick circles around me so the leash wraps around me and keeps him close. He has me doing piroettes every 20 feet all down the street to get out of it. But he’s a fast little bastard.
Oh, and now he’s snoring as lound as a truck driver.
It’s ok to occasional scream “Argh!!!! I need my space!” at them. They understand.
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