Fix-it Men

Well, I sincerely hope your weekend involved excitement and non-stop thrills, because mine sure did, and sadly, those thrills did not involve gazing along bucolic Vermont roads in search of the best sugar-on-snow as planned, but instead, revolved primarily around various and sundry bronchial and HVAC woes.

Mmmm, HVAC woes. Scintillating topic of conversation, yes? The shortest version is that the reset button on our oil furnace keeps mysteriously going off, and who doesn’t like to wake up freezing and trek outside in the snowy Vermont winter to the furnace room to reset the button, ONLY TO HAVE IT GO OFF AGAIN A MINUTE LATER? AND A MINUTE AFTER THAT? AND A MINUTE AFTER THAT, TOO?

Also, I watched I Am Legend this weekend and trekking around in the dark after that is unappealing, to put it mildly. There could have been Darkseekers out there ready to gnaw my face off like a chicken leg, for chrissake.

Which brings me to scary movies: enjoyment or lack thereof. I hate them. Hate. And I realized while watching “I Am Legend” that I am rarely more miserable than when I am watching a film designed to startle and/or frighten me in any way. I don’t see how being on edge is enjoyable, for I find fewer things things less pleasurable than being terrified ON PURPOSE.

Horror movies make me cry. I get so stressed out about what might happen that I just break down. I … I truly don’t get it, and when I’ve queried various people who love them — notably Adam and TwoBusy – many cite an unexplainable thrill in being scared, particularly in the theater. Plus, there’s that whole “It reminds me that I’m alive!” argument, but God no, I’d rather clip my nails to the quick and BLEED for that reminder, thank you. I can handle anything else: dramas, tearjerkers — minor thrillers, even! I was fine with What Lies Beneath! FINE! But things JUMPING and bloody people and DARKNESS, oh my hell, no thank you. No zombies, either. NO ZOMBIES.

Anyway, ha HA, did you notice way back up there that I said winter? Because I don’t know if it’s spring where you are, but it seems when someone announced that spring was here, they totally spaced on informing Vermont. And this morning when I woke up, it was 45 degrees INSIDE THE HOUSE and hello, snow! So nice to see you again.

Also worth noting is that no one is sleeping due to what we have affectionately referred to as Adam’s Bronch, and our poor visiting houseguest endured two solid nights of hacking and wheezing through the paper-thin walls, and yes, there is a lesson here: If you come to visit us, DO NOT HAVE SEX unless you’re an exhibitionist and want us to hear every bump and grind.

And finally, I made Persian meat patties for dinner tonight and lo, they were fabulous. I discovered the recipe on CityMama after being strangely riveted by the whole J&J brouhaha and I now believe the whole thing happened because God wanted me to find the recipe for those patties. Yes, it was all about me. They’re delicious! And simple! Except, if you make them, might I recommend that you add an extra half teaspoon of salt? Not to go all Tom Colicchio on you, but they were well seasoned, but in dire need of salt.

I hope you had a great weekend. I am looking forward to the dawn arrival of Furnace Fixing Man so that I may stop venturing outside to a very scary furnace room. Because did I mention that thanks to I Am Legend, I am now TERRIFIED of the dark? I just ran from the dark kitchen to the bedroom, because there could be someone THERE. TO EAT MY FACE.

*Reindeer Section

(Random side note of major importance: If you haven’t heard of the J&J mess by now, might I urge you to stay away, even though I mentioned it? I know this makes me a hypocrite, but man, everyone enjoys getting their vicarious Internet Dramapants on once in a while, but this was so PAINFUL, and I am now regretting joking about it, but feel like a tool editing it out. I think … I think I would rather read pages and pages of extremely sanctimonious women proselytizing about breastfeeding and attachment parenting vs. CIO than endure such absurdity again.

Unfortunately, this is a lesson that I seem perfectly content to learn over and over again, and next time someone sends me a link to something, will I remember this? No. No, of course not. I will read it and waste several hours of my precious time. In other words, do as I say, not as I do.)

23 comments March 30th, 2008