Glass House
March 31st, 2008
I know intellectually that I’m a smart person, but my actions very often suggest otherwise. It’s like some sort of trigger goes off in my brain to respond to a problem with a completely nonsensical solution while the part that knows better is screeching, “No! NO THIS WILL NOT WORK.” And yet, I press on. Remember the paint incident, wherein I ended up pantless in my garage? Yes. Like that.
Such is the case this afternoon when I stepped out onto our front porch faced with a very icy set of steps and instead of pulling out the bag of rock salt, I ended up taking out the salt shaker and delicately shaking the teeniest bits of salt through six tiny holes thinking that would work better. Ha ha, it didn’t, because they are TEENY TINY HOLES with microscopic grains of salt and the steps are big! So big! Yet I pressed on, my brain screaming “YOU ARE STUPID. STOP.” After all, when the movers hauled in our stuff, the guy had a big container of Morton’s and said it trumps rock salt any day of the week. And in retrospect, perhaps that’s true, but not when you’re shaking it out of a salt shaker the size of a miniature doorknob.
See also: when Roger Clemens was thinking of coming to the Sox for half a season and I blindly asked, “Which half?” (Oh the FIRST HALF, genius. Because pitching isn’t important in the playoffs!)
I also achieved a minor leave of my senses this morning when I … well, there’s no way to sugar coat it: I lost my damn mind. I mentioned yesterday that Adam’s been sick — so sick that we ended up in the ER on Sunday, because dude was hacking up bits of lung all over the place and was near-delirious with fever — and while I casually mentioned that no one was sleeping, what I really meant was that no, actually, NO ONE WAS SLEEPING. I haven’t slept more than three hours a night since Friday night and forget about naps, just forget it. Didn’t get one of those until this afternoon, but still, I am … I am stupid.
The perfect storm of hacking and broken heater and I don’t even know what has left me sleepless and stupefied. And more than a little cranky. Ergo, this is how I ended up screaming (well, in the cold light of the following day, it was more like a solid yell, thank God) at Adam for I don’t even remember what, from the kitchen all the way up to the bedroom for what felt like fifteen minutes today, but was probably more like five. There was also plenty of door slamming, as these things are wont to include, and I’m … well, I’m really sorry and I’m not particularly proud of it. I like to think we’ve all been there, but I don’t really know. You’re all probably more together than I am, and I wouldn’t blame you.
What a lovely way to introduce yourself to new downstairs neighbors, yes? How delightful! Who doesn’t want to live underneath the COMPLETELY INSANE screechy woman upstairs with the overtired yelliness and colorful language? I’m sure they heard it if they were home — and such was the nature of my blind, sleep-deprived fury that I didn’t even think to look — and if so, how would they know that I am an otherwise rational person who does her best to keep the irrational overtired yelling to a minimum?
So I ask you: would you, if you were me and screamed your fool head off in a foggy state that seems so far away after a solid nap, say something to them like HAHA, sorry, I’m nuts, but really I’m usually not like that, now hey ho! Would you like to go out for coffee? Or would you let it go? I’m HORRIFIED, if it isn’t obvious.
Personally, I like to think that everyone goes through these things and if I heard another couple –errr, wife — being nutty, I would be RELIEVED that they were normal. But … that’s not everyone’s version of normal. I mean, not that I do that every day or even every WEEK or MONTH, but … oh forget it, you know what I mean. I hope.
(Incidentally, we rent a house with a basement apartment downstairs. They’re lovely and the wife and I have become friendly. This is also why the furnace is outside and around the house — it’s in the basement, yes, but I have no direct access.)
Onward to happier things! Like paper wasps! Wait, where are you going? We’re inundated with overwintering queens, and I kill approximately five a day INSIDE the house. And Dr. Google tells me that this isn’t something to panic about, but it’s hard to take a rational tack when you’re faced with the fifth wasp OF THE DAY. They’re sluggish and tired from hibernating in their fertile little state, and no, they don’t emit swarming pheromones, but that doesn’t make them any less horrifying.
Well, aren’t I a blast today! Hey, anyone want to go for coffee? Would you like to come over? I promise not to scream at you. Or make you clean up wasp carcass.
Here’s to a happy, well-rested Tuesday.
*Ani DiFranco
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Jess | March 31st, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Not everybody screams necessarily, but they all do slightly nutty and totally audible things. And they may or may not have even heard you.
I always feel most awkward running into the neighbors whose apartment abuts our bedroom wall. We can hear the hangers being pushed around in the closet when they get dressed, so it’s pretty safe to assume that they hear all of our… bedroom activities. And I can never look them in the eye again.
2. Melissa | March 31st, 2008 at 6:45 pm
I think we’ve all been there. Cut yourself some slack and ask the neighbor out for coffee.
I hope Adam is on the mend!
3. April | March 31st, 2008 at 7:16 pm
I have found that anytime I begin to get emotional–it is time for a nap. We are really not much different than those preschool days when we needed daily naps. Adults are only kids that are a little bigger…..
So, YES, we have all been there and sometimes issues, being run down, and the never ending responsibility catches up with us. Just know that those naps work wonders!!!
4. Mandee | March 31st, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I am completely incompetent without sleep. I was just e-mailing with a friend about that very subject today.
I’m a big fan of the pretend it never happened club. My upstairs neighbor in DC (apparrently) used to bowl to a routine choreographed to techno music. He never offered to teach me the moves, but I was OK with that. I also never mentioned that I could hear him vomiting on a regular basis since word on the street was that he was on an HIV cocktail that made him sick.
5. winterwheat | April 1st, 2008 at 4:13 am
*scratches head* I’m confused: How could you be dealing with icy steps and wasps AT THE SAME TIME?
6. TwoBusy | April 1st, 2008 at 5:12 am
(Projecting forward to a time when you produce a little Babyker and 2-3 daily hours of noncontiguous sleep becomes a regular thing in your life)
Um…
(Deciding it’d be better just to raise my hands in a “you just stay right there” pose and back slowwwwwly away)
7. jonniker | April 1st, 2008 at 5:14 am
TB: Oh fear not, I’ve thought about that, and as I’ve mentioned, I don’t do well under those circumstances AT ALL. But then, I would also assume that one would have HEAT.
(Also, was waiting for first parent to jump in with the “YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN” comment. But isn’t it just as miserable as a parent? I mean, no one likes to be sleepless, though I’ll concede it’s surely coming my way.)
8. Erin | April 1st, 2008 at 6:01 am
I lose all control of my faculties when I don’t get enough sleep so I can sympathize, though I am also a big fan of the “pretend it never happened” with the neighbors. If, when you are chatting with downstairs people they bring it up you can always say “oh yeah, I hadn’t been getting nearly enough sleep and had a little bit of a sleep deprived nutty” and then change the subject.
Also, I dislike all things that buzz and fly (including dragonflies which many people do not understand but seriously? those things are damn creepy) so good for you in the wasp murders. Wasps are far creepier than bees–they almost seem like they are hunting for people to sting.
9. Shelly | April 1st, 2008 at 6:25 am
Do you mean have I ever gone bat shit crazy on someone for no reason? Without reasonable provocation? Like pouting at my son trying to GUILT him into doing my bidding? Like huffing at your hubby for not hearing you SPEAK? Like expecting everyone to know EXACTLY what you are thinking/feeling/needing without you having to actually SAY it? Like wanting to maim other parents at YOUTH sporting events because they scream too loudly? Like being reduced to TEARS at same sporting event because you got a CHEESE dog instead of a regular one?
If stuff like THAT is what you mean….nope, I’ve never had it happen.
10. H | April 1st, 2008 at 6:27 am
I cannot function without sleep and sadly, I hardly ever get enough of it. I tend to err on the side of saying something every time I feel I’ve done something inappropriate but people tell me I shouldn’t.
11. Sadie | April 1st, 2008 at 7:28 am
Don’t call attention to your screaming. I mean, there’s a chance the neighbors weren’t even home (this didn’t happen in the middle of the night, or at say, 5am, right?), so you don’t want to put them on guard that you might be a banshee. Then they will reassure you, “oh no, we didn’t hear you, we were out looking for things we could burn in a 55-gallon drum for heat, like bums,” but then they will be listening for it, on heightened alert. And if they WERE home, well, there is nothing more awkward than an embarassed, contrite person attempting to apologize for a crazy outburst, and using the words, ‘I never do that, I’m not usually like that.”
12. rosarita | April 1st, 2008 at 9:23 am
Awww, honey, ease up a little. Let it go, marriage makes us all nuts sometimes, and sleep deprivation really sucks. We’ve all been there.
13. Swistle | April 1st, 2008 at 9:56 am
Here is what I would do. First, I would act all normal. Then I would find a way to bring it up as a funny story. Like, I’d tell the neighbor in a funny way about all our woes (furnace! bronch!), and then I’d say that in fact the other day I totally flipped out and yelled……….see, this isn’t sounding funny. But I’d find a way to say it all off-hand as an illustration of how KER-RAZY things had been at our house.
14. elise | April 1st, 2008 at 10:00 am
Yup, Swistle is right on. I would never bring up the yelling initially (and maybe I would never bring it up ever), but rather wait until I was safely ensconced in a regular old conversation with the neighbs, maybe over coffee, like you said. Then, if the mood was right, I might bring it up in a funny story, all the while pretending like the thought JUST THEN OCCURRED TO YOU that your neighbs might have heard you.
Otherwise, I would cut yourself a break, because everyone yells sometimes. EVERYONE!
15. Kristin H | April 1st, 2008 at 10:35 am
So somehow I missed the Great Pantless Paint Incident, and can I just say that it casts a whole new light on your time in Florida: specifically, your relationship (or lack thereof) with your neighbors.
Trust me, the yelling pales in comparison to the GPPI. I would not sweat it. (heh, because you have no heat of course)
16. ie | April 1st, 2008 at 11:44 am
oh nooooo, not paper wasps. I don’t want to add to the screechiness, but paper wasps are NOT. GOOD.
If they are in the house, that means there is a nest somewhere under some eave or (as in my case) in a wall. Get the yellow pages and find an exterminator ASAP. The guy who came out to our house put one hand on the (humming) door and white-suited up,
Yeah the above makes you want to take a nap now, huh?
17. Andrea | April 1st, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Oh I’ve done some regretful things, believe me. My husband is a SAINT, I tell you. One fight happened in the car in front of our son, and I got out to walk home. In the rain. At 8 months pregnant. With Gabe in the backseat wanting to know where Mommy was going.
Beautiful. That one took weeks to smooth over. I will say that Mike behaved just as abominally, but somehow that makes it worse that we acted like that, not better, considering our child was watching it unfold.
As for sleep deprived parenting that TwoBusy brought up, well, it does suck whether there are kids in the mix or not, but with kids, I think it’s harder because you can’t take a break if you need to. They need constant attention, and at the uber young ages they are when they’re still doing the night waking, they don’t understand when you feel like yelling.
My sleep deprivation mantra when dealing with my kids is, “S/He is too small to know any better. S/He is too helpless to realize how tired I am. It’s not her/his fault.” Gabe is getting to where he does know better than to push my buttons, and when I spell out how tired/sick I might feel and that I need him to take it easy on Mama, he does so to the best of his ability, which is an immense help.
Wasps? And ice? In the same day?
18. Danell | April 1st, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Ewwww….sleep deprivation. I also do NOT do it well. AT ALL. Yes, having a baby involves some sleep deprivation, but my husband was always willing to give me a break during those first few months whenever I needed it. In other words, “can you take the baby for a while” actually meant “can you take the baby RIGHTFUCKINGNOW because I MUST SLEEP RIGHTTHISMINUTE.” I am pretty sure I may have phrased it more like that most of the time.
I would pretty much do what Swistle said after any sort of questionable activity…in fact, I have done that before. I brought it up in conversation later (once I was a good enough friend to BE in conversation with said person) and said something along the lines of “oh man, i was so embarrassed the other night when I was being insane and yelling and carrying on and then I realized YOU GUYS PROBABLY TOTALLY HEARD ME…Ha! Isn’t that funny? So….uh, did you hear me?”
19. Desha | April 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 am
As a person who a) can hear the neighbors’ toilets (apartment building rightnext to my house) flush and showers go on…I can only hope that they are magically struck deaf during our sexxie time. And our occasional fights, which generally involve me swearing like a sailor. Good times!
So I’m not super friendly with the aparment people next door- but my tenant, whose place is attached to mine? Very friendly, interestingly. About tact: I yelled “f***ing MORON” out the window at a (dumbass) person who came thisclose to hitting us. Turns out she’s someone I know…..from my old church. Talk about awkward!!!! The Paint Incident was one of my favorite stories, for the record.
20. Tina | April 5th, 2008 at 2:24 am
Wasps, Oh God, wasps.
We were wasp free for a couple of weeks, after getting 1-2 per day for over a month. Yeah, this morning another one showed up. On the wall above my head. Hubby noticed it when he got up, he captured it and flushed it thankfully. So having 5 per day probably means you have a nest somewhere. I know we had one last fall under the trailer we live in, but we sealed up their exit. So apparently the new ones the queen has been making had to find a way out somewhere, and that happens to be our bedroom. We have yet to find out where they are coming in at. I thought we were done. Trying to sleep after he caught one above my head was not fun. It was very Prickly, as my mind tried to convince me there was another one.
21. Mauigirl52 | April 12th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
I can totally relate. I occasionally have a similar temper tantrum with my husband and sometimes have found myself screeching like a fishwife (why do fishwives have this reputation?) even (shudder) as I’m going outside. Which means our neighbors probably heard it. My method is to smile and say hi to the neighbor every time I see her and never, ever acknowledge that I am occasionally a raging bitch. She lets me play this game and plays along with it so we are all happy.
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