Tea and Thorazine

Bravo is my new boyfriend. I TiVo approximately 5,678,342 shows on that particular network, and if it were a man, I would make out with it, leading me to wonder if there is a Bravo costume I can buy for Adam, because that would HOT, people, HOT.

Of course, there’s Top Chef, which is always a pleasure, but I have to admit, I’m not as into it this season as I’d like to be. I couldn’t give a rip about any of the contestants, and that includes any sort of deep contempt, as I had with last season’s winner, Hung. Contempt for Padma remains strong, however, and I’m certain — CERTAIN — that she wouldn’t know a proper chiffonade if it rammed its way up her ass. She was all noddy-noddy will Daniel Boulud, oh yes, a chiffonade, very nice. I call bullshit, Padma. Bullshit!

The point, however, is that I sincerely hope you’re watching The Real Housewives of New York City. While I know I mentioned this before, I can’t really stress the high comedic factor enough. These women are pure, delicious trash and yet are abominably wealthy in a way that makes my toes curl in a mixture of disgust and pure delight. These women are … well, they’re nouveau riche and utterly lack class of any kind, but the best part? THEY HAVE NO IDEA. And — and! — they think we envy them! Oh, it’s delicious, and truly a must-see. Alert viewers will catch reality TV whore Bethenny Frankel, who came in second on Martha Stewart’s Apprentice.

To whet your appetite with a particularly grotesque amuse bouche, if you will: one of the housewives, Jill, has an ill-behaved chihuahua named Ginger that she … well, there’s no classy way to put it, my friends, she allows Ginger to LICK THE INSIDE OF HER NOSE. Yes! Yes! The dog is mining for GOLD in there while she casually watches television! And yet, Jill feels quite strongly that she is in a position to judge the rest of us.

Now go TiVo it. Go. Hurry.

The purpose, however, of this entire post is to ask: what does one wear to a professional-type cocktail party at an exceedingly wealthy man’s house that also includes a maple sugaring demonstration in the woods? Note that although the entire event has the trappings of a typical cocktail party, the maple sugaring portion had a parenthesis next to it that said “Wear sensible shoes!”

A little black dress and a pair of Crocs? Seriously? I’m honestly asking here, because I’m at a loss. A total loss. It’s mud season here in Vermont, and I am seriously considering a Croc purchase because I can’t set foot outside without getting mud up to my hips, and my waterproof boots are way too warm. Mock me if you must, I deserve it. (But really, wtf do I wear? WTF?)

And last, but not least, Lawyerish got her referral! She saw her baby’s face! Now go congratulate her on her beautiful, perfect baby girl if you haven’t already. Oh, the TEARS.

I hope you have a great weekend. We’ll be sugaring in the woods with our cocktails and Wellies, hoping that no woodland creatures eat us.

*Andrew Bird

21 comments April 3rd, 2008